Choosing to believe

The last few days have been a little difficult for me. Well, actually the last week has been difficult and it probably has to do mostly or all with my self-esteem struggles. When I first came to Korea, and probably before, I wasn't as careful about the settings in which I encountered female students or how many students I met with. This means that sometimes I have been seen in public with only one student which led to all kinds of rumors. I should have learned through all of this but it took the insight of my girlfriend, who is much wiser than me, to come to this realization that I need to change my habits of meeting students one on one, particularly at a restaurant off-campus.

This issue was difficult for me to confront because I have found the most satisfaction in my job by developing relationships with students. I think that part of this is healthy and part of it is unhealthy. Perhaps the healthy part comes from a huge sense of gratitude for my professors who invested in me. On the negative side, it probably had something to do with my need to be affirmed.

After telling Sinae my struggle about this issue of a low self-esteem, which was later complicated by my accountability partner strongly urging me to find a group of guys to meet with as well as students not trying to practice speaking in English at a time when I was emotionally drained, I realized that when I am hurting Sinae is also hurting. That means I need to be even more aware of my own healthy well-being because when I'm not it will cause conflicts between Sinae and I.

With all of this in mind, I made a conscious decision tonight to believe I am a good person. This came after realizing that Sinae really loves me and that if I tell her I don't think I am a good person then in a sense I am calling her a liar or perhaps myself a liar because I am telling her that what she sees is not what she is getting.

As I think more and more about getting married to Sinae, I worry a lot about my habits as far as cleaning and cooking are concerned. Since I didn't grow up with a model of men helping in the kitchen in my immediate family, I am worried that I will slip into those kinds of habits and that Sinae will love me less or find out that she didn't marry the guy she fell in love with. But tonight I decided to make a concerted effort to be the guy that Sinae loves. Interestingly enough, I found that I had more energy tonight after not having to fight the inner struggle about whether or not I am a good person. That of course does not mean I am flawless but at least at my core I am a good person. I'm not sure what that sounds like theologically, but sure there is a sense of goodness even when one is still tainted by Original Sin. I'll save that discussion for a later post since I had an interesting discussion about that with my office-mate today.

I have made my decision...

It's been way to long since I've posted anything on here. I'd like to get ready for bed but I feel like I have too much energy to go to bed just yet. Besides, I'm so tired these days that it doesn't seem to take away my feelings of exhaustion if I sleep more.

A lot has happened, at least to me, since I last posted on this blog. The biggest thing that has happened is that Sinae and I have decided to prepare for getting married. I haven't proposed to her yet, and I won't say my plans on here in case she is reading along, but we have basically made a decision to move forward in our relationship, being convinced that we love each other so much that we can't imagine our lives without each other.

Prior to that decision, I realized that my self-esteem problems were hindering our relationship and that I was afraid to commit to marriage even though I told Sinae that I had been thinking about her many times in the context of marriage and that I used debt and time as excuses for putting this decision off. The amazing thing is that Sinae discerned all of this through one sentence about me saying I thought we should get married after my debts are paid off. After a long and difficult week we both agreed that we wanted to get married. I've been living in bliss ever since then while also dealing with my own shortcomings that I hope to at least start working through before that blissful day.

For those of you who know me well, you know that self-esteem is a constant problem for me. I realized that even when one is in a romantic relationship with one s/he loves, a low self-esteem continues to be a thorn in my flesh. One of my former professors recommended a few good books to me on this subject and I am debating on whether to buy them now and pay the higher cost of shipping to have them sent to Korean from America or wait until I am in America again. Even though the books may be more expensive I think I should start reading them now.

The two biggest areas where I see my self-esteem holding me back is in terms of my relationship with Sinae as well as in getting things done on a daily basis. I have yet to catch up on grading things that should've been done shortly after the Mid-term exam. I feel a constant war going on inside of me about whether or not I am good enough.

A Good Weekend

I usually post on here for a specific reason, like if I want to work on my Rule of Life, complain about culture, talk about a problem with Sinae or sort through some of my negative thinking. But I'm not going to do any of that tonight.

Instead, I'm going to talk about my splendid weekend that was quite different than normal. Before I get into it, I am surprised that one of the events that I was looking forward to before, wasn't quite as perfect as I hoped, and then afterward ended up being a good experience.

The start to my weekend was attending the required KOTESOL conference which the university paid for, as well as our membership in the society. I almost renewed my membership with them, but I decided not to and I am glad I did. The two best presentations I saw were the first and the last. The first was about the narrative of those teaching English as a second or foreign language. She is an Australian doing Ph.D. studies on qualitative research. I found this interesting just because she's looking at how teaching in another culture changes one's own beliefs about a variety of things. The last one, which was related to a sales pitch though done much better than any I've seen before, was about incorporating English education with technology. After hearing the statistics about people who are involved with technology, it is no wonder that my students are having trouble communicating in English in my classroom. I'll be posting more about this on my "We Can English" blog. The most interesting and unfortunately, the most difficult for me to stay awake to, was the presentation by a well-known ESL/EFL scholar about vocabulary.

Today, I returned to that area again today in Seoul to meet Sinae for our weekly date. We intended to go to the largest Church of the Nazarene in Seoul but ended up missing that service after making a mistake on the subway. We went to a service at a church near her alma mater this afternoon. The preaching pastor was not the main pastor but she received grace through his sermon and she helped me by writing a few sentences related to what he was saying.

We had many good conversations today about our future and I finished the book, "In Love But Worlds Apart". This book lists a lot of practical questions which I'm going to start e-mailing to Sinae and perhaps posting parts of on here. I am learning that talking on the phone for 4, 5 or 6 hours at a time isn't always the best thing for our relationship because of the language barriers and communication problems that take place over the phone.

And now it's time to get myself to bed in hopes of getting up early enough to get geared up for Mid-Terms which start tomorrow as well as making a telephone call to my parents. It's hard to get a hold of my dad these days since I teach at 9am every Monday morning.

Things to Do

My life has become serious chaos in recent weeks due to poor time management. If you know me at all, you know this is a big struggle for me. When I was in seminary, I wrote a Rule of Life, which I think would be a good exercise to revisit. I don't remember the exact details but I'd like to start by making a list of all the things I need to incorporate into my schedule in a wholesome manner. Then I'll try organizing all of that and you can also tell me what you think I should do to organize these thoughts.

1. Respond to comments on my English blog.
2. Register attendance online.
3. Research Project
4. Study Korean
5. Devotions
6. Clean my apartment
7. Think about my future and contact the appropriate people.
8. Exercise
9. Read
10. Class Preparation
11. Class Reflection
12. Record grades for assignments
13. Prepare for a new Bible Study
14. Accountability
15. Initiate conversation with someone I don't know.
16. Practice Justice
17. Develop Relationships (i.e. family, Sinae, friends, colleagues etc.)

Determining My Mind

After spending 10 days with Sinae, we came to the most serious dilemma we have faced yet. That is about our visions and specifically where in the world (literally) we are going to live after my contract runs out.

Rather than give the details about what took place there, I want to start dealing with my ideas about returning to St. Louis. This is a safe thing to think about right now because I still have a year-and-a-half left before my contract runs out. If I remember correctly, I went through the same thing a year or so ago and then I decided to sign make contract to stay here longer.

But now this decision involves another person and so I need to start figuring out what I want to do. This dilemma came as a result of me thinking constantly about St. Louis. I guess I see myself settling into an easy life in South Korea at the cost of the reason why I came to Korea in the first place. The reason was that I had more debt than I could manage and that I would return to St. Louis once I had contained the debt enough to invest in helping others.

So therein lies the first goal of this dilemma of whether or not to return to St. Louis. I'm hoping to be debt-free in 2 years but that is something I aimed for nearly two years ago and I am just getting to the point where all I have left to pay are my school loans.

The second major factor that leads me to wonder about returning to St. Louis is the dreams I've been having lately, combined with a sense of guilt for leaving St. Louis and wondering what might have happened if I would've stayed. Recently, I dreamed of when I first started moving things to St. Louis before I officially moved to St. Louis. While most of this guilt as about St. Louis, there is also some guilt about leaving Kansas City.

I've contacted one pastor that I connected with well during the short time that I was in St. Louis. I am waiting for his reply and hoping for a telephone conversation in the near future. I'm curious if I could continue down the line of ordination if I were to live in another part of South Korea, not working for a Nazarene-affiliated position, as well as what possibilities I might be eligible for regarding working with Asian communities after having lived in Korea for four years (As of the time when my contract will have ended).

My next plan of action will be to contact the pastors I worked with as a volunteer at the church I attended. I had a difficult time working with them at times perhaps because of the idealism I had about ministry. Nonetheless, I think they were patient with me overall, though perhaps a little disappointed that I didn't practice what I preached about building relationships with people in the neighborhood where I lived.

After this, there is just the matter of exploring community development, the field I'd like to work in if I do end up moving back to St. Louis. And after that, all that seems to be left are my mentors around the US as well as the people I know in Korea.

The main question, as it seems to me, is whether this is just a pipe-dream I will fantasize about for the rest of my life or if this is some kind of vocational calling. Is this something that I MUST return to St. Louis for or is it something I could actualize in South Korea just as much as I could in St. Louis or another major city in the US or somewhere else in the world.

I remember when I was living in the US and how grateful I was for the opportunity to live in another country for a while. I didn't get the opportunity to visit St. Louis so I'm not sure about the pull in that direction. But when I visited there the year before, I think it was hard for me to leave St. Louis.

Will you pray with me and offer me guidance on this serious matter that has consequences not only on my life but on Sinae's as well as we both consider the plausibility of our relationship regarding this serious discussion?

The Latest on Mom

It's been a while since I wrote anything about how Mom is doing. Since I just talked to her on the phone, I figured this might be a good time to give you the latest.

Mom is no longer using a wound vac. Because of a yeast infection they took the wound vac off of Mom and once the infection was gone they said Mom no longer needed the wound vac.

This does not mean that Mom's incision is completely healed. It still has another inch until it has grown completely together. I think Mom is a little concerned that this isn't happening as fast as when I was sick but I suspect that a difference in age and procedures has a little bit to do with this. Mom is still seeing some puss in her incision but apparently this is no reason for concern as far as the doctors are concerned.

Mom is still on medicine for reducing her blood sugar. Mom's blood sugar is usually low unless she has something sweet. I'm hopeful that this means she will be released from the blood sugar pill.

When I called Mom and Dad last Sunday night (American time) they were driving around and planning on going shopping. These are all very good signs to me and Mom seems to look forward to these outings. I think her anticipation to get outside of the house is a good sign as far as her health is concerned.

The second surgery hasn't been confirmed yet, but it will probably be sometime in January or February. Mom is hoping for sometime in February since her birthday is in January and she doesn't want to be bogged down during that time. She's also itching to take care of her granddaughters again.

While it is has been difficult for Mom with Dad and Bruce working so much and me being in another country, JoAnn has been good about going to help Mom in the afternoon and Mom has a friend, Laurie, who is a nurse who has been a Godsend for Mom.

Everybody needs their independence, but when?

I learned today that different cultures view independence in different ways. Not only is the definition of independence different, but so is the timing of it.

For most of my life, I seem to recall always dreaming of when I might be set free from the limitations of living with my parents. I presume this to be part of the American dream. Before today, I thought this was the normal thought of people around the world, and perhaps even on other planets.

But I learned that is not the case, especially for Korean women. Instead, it is apparently traditional for Korean women to live with their parents until they get married. The exception to this may be when one goes to college (aka university) or when one is offered a job in another city or when one's own family can't support him or herself, or perhaps when one should support his or her family.

This means that when someone gets married they may have had little or no independent, single experience which makes the transition from the single to the married life much more stressful. Not only do you go from being dependent on others making choices for you or at least helping you make choices to having to make your own choices but your choices also have consequences not only for you but for the person you are in a covenant relationship.

This was very hard for me to swallow. I think it is mostly because of my own experiences. I cannot imagine having to live with my parents for the last 32 years with the exception of going to college. Even though that is a dependence of sorts it is not the same as having to pay rent every month and deal with maintenance issues that you can't simply report to the Resident Assistant (RA) or his/her superior.

This conversation opened up a whole new can of worms as far as my thinking is concerned.

You are alone.

This morning we met a conflict about the problem we had recently resolved. And the cause of the conflict? Cultural and language differences. It's funny what a difference there is between saying, "You are alone" and "You are lonely".

Sinae's friend Jeongsu tried to explain the differences between Korean and American culture to me per her request. But I knew nothing about this because he went right into the explanation of this without saying, "Sinae has asked me to talk to you about..." so I felt like they were ganging up on me. And then when he said, "You are alone" as in nobody else thinks the way you do that was the straw that broke the camel's back. What he meant to say is that "You must feel like you are alone" or "You are probably lonely living in another country" but those words "You are alone" stung. So I said I didn't want to talk about this and that pretty much ended the possibility of talking about anything.

I was so aggravated and shocked that whatever chance I had of understanding the sermon in Korean was eliminated so I decided to arrange my thoughts by writing four pages in a notebook while the pastor was preaching. This turned out well since it helped me to prepare for a frank conversation with Sinae and Jeongsu. As is normal with me, I had misunderstood the whole situation.

But I learned something valuable about cultural differences. First, the definition of "friend" seemed to be more related to activities and commonality than intention (I'm still not sure I'm understanding this right). Second, it is normal for one friend to explain to his friend's boyfriend an issue that her boyfriend may not understand from her (I don't understand Sinae's perspective so she asks her friend to explain the situation to me).

I'm so very glad that we were able to resolve this issue between the three of us and I hope that we have not only a stronger relationship between Sinae and I but also between Jeongsu and I.

Loving the sinner and hating the sin

Here is a report of yet another victory in my relationship with Sinae which seems to have a parallel with what Jesus (as it stands in my mind Jesus taught this either both in words and actions or at least by actions) taught about loving the sinner but hating the sin.

Sinae and I discovered a cultural difference (Either a difference between Korean and American culture or at least a difference between our own frames of mind) regarding chatting online with people we've never met. Of course I didn't think there was anything wrong with this, particularly because I've heard a lot of good explanations about Korean or about Asian culture. But in the end I chose my relationship with Sinae as being more important than these virtual relationships. As part of our victory, I decided to delete those women I've chatted with whom I've never met in person.

My Uncle Leland reminded me of the difference between not being able to accept a part of a person's life (i.e. chatting) and not being able to accept the person. I'm not sure I've ever experienced this paradox in real life comparable to what I experienced yesterday and a little bit today.

Now that I've deleted those contacts I hope that this dilemma will be one that only exists in our memories and hopefully that memory will become less and less, and by God's grace, hopefully it will never resurface again.

Love the sinner but hate the sin...what a stark contrast. How does this work?

Revival

I wanted to post a picture but I couldn't think of a good way to portray "revival" in a picture without snatching something off the web and that doesn't have someone else's name on it.

This has to be the biggest turning point kind of weekend that Sinae and I have seen since our relationship began. After a series of difficult conversations (I might have called these fights in the past) we decided to draw a conservative (Now for those of you who know me, you know how serious I am to use this word) boundary in terms of our physical relationship. We did this before and saw great growth during that time. Since we both seem to have some trust issues, we both agreed that we should focus on developing the emotional side of our relationship to give that aspect time to catch up with the physical side.

I felt bad about this, wondering if we were starting off where we left off when we stopped our previous boundary, hoping that our relationship has been progressing. I started to cry a little bit as I had a loss for words, something that is quite common when we don't have an issue to work through. Since we drew a new boundary, I couldn't opt for the physical side so I had to suffer through it and I cried a little bit. Then Sinae cried a little bit, and a little bit more, and a little bit more. I think we are both happy that this relationship is surviving all of these twists and turns, mountaintops and valleys. And I think that for me, my love for her has been renewed.

I want to talk about something that is a serious struggle, and something that future generations may struggle with, especially people in Korea who were influenced by conservative missionaries of yesterday. When I was a teenager, a lot of people talked about boundaries, as in what NOT to do, but I don't remember much about what we should do. I remember one lesson where the youth pastor talked about boundaries and we even went around the room and drew a boundary. Most of us drew the line at french-kissing. But I'm not sure if that is the best method for drawing a line. I think you have to consider backgrounds (in our case, differing language and cultural backgrounds) that may affect this issue as well as where the most vulnerable points are.

I think that a lot of organizations have done well in presenting the abstinence form of unwanted pregnancies and hopefully this has prospered health on a deeper level than not getting pregnant before a couple is ready. But I think it would have been helpful to address these issues on a more specific basis, and perhaps talking more about how these choices affect one's emotional well-being and how about talking about it in the positive as far as where, when and how it might be appropriate to have some physical contact.

Maybe I'll add that to my book-writing dream AFTER I get married.

Anyway, I think I have peace tonight. I'm not thrilled about the physical boundary, but I am fulfilled to have experienced a very special conversation with Sinae that may have come as a direct result of this boundary. And I hope and pray that we will be stronger about our boundary. I think the ironic thing is that fulfillment comes in waiting. This seems to be an ideal taught in Scripture that must have been as counter-cultural in the various societies represented in culture as it is in this country and others around the world. That is where I think campaigns like "True Love Waits" did well.

Love is like a roller coaster...?

I am writing on here for once in a delightful mood. I spent a long weekend with Sinae last weekend and I think our relationship grew by leaps and bounds because of it. We were together from Thursday evening through Sunday evening. That was well worth the time. There were, of course, a few disagreements or misunderstandings here and there, but it was all worth it in the end.

I think one of the greatest lessons I learned about her is that she is a keeper and very strong in the loyalty category. This makes me want to love her and treat her well. I have shocked her with a lot of things and, while she was disturbed at the time I told her, she was okay after a little alone time. It seems apparent to both of us that we are good for each other and that we are changing and growing in positive ways. We are even able to have some really interesting conversations in spite of the language, cultural and gender barriers.

I think that as a direct result of my relationship with her I am learning to love Koreans more and more. One book I read about Korean culture said that foreigners have a love-hate relationship with Korea I am finding that I have more of a love than a hate relationship with Korea. But I guess I better be cautious about my optimism since the semester just started.

I'm also glad to know that there are anonymous readers out there who don't leave comments. I learned from one student that he goes to my blog from time to time but only looks at the pictures because my entries are so long. Thanks for following me and I hope you'll leave a comment some day.

My computer battery is getting low and so is my own.

To err is human but to make a really big mistake you need a foreigner.

I am pleased to announce that my thinking that Sinae and I might separate was a complete misunderstanding that, fortunately, didn't lead to a broken relationship. We eventually discovered that we both thought the other person wanted to break up with us and now we are really happy. These seems analogous to what happened when Mom got really.

Perhaps there is a lesson here about treasuring the things we have and more importantly, the relationships we have while we have them before we lose them. I've learned this with Mom and Sinae but I think I could improve in this area with other family members.

I think with all of this behind me, it's time to get back to talk about life in South Korea and other things I've been thinking about.

On the rocks...

Last night a conversation with Sinae went south very fast. My advice to you is never to be online when someone else you are in a significant relationship with is also online without planning to meet first, especially when it is getting late. That is what I did and I am currently seeing how this relationship might be salvagable (And I'm not sure that's a word either). I don't know what to say here that can be said on a blog.

I guess I'll share my thoughts about what is going through my head. We have been in a relationship for almost 9 months. In fact, this Sunday is her birthday AND our 9 month anniversary if it is possible to call it that when dating someone for less than a year. During that time we've had a lot of ups and downs. I've shocked her with a lot of things she's never heard a guy tell her before or perhaps it was new information and she has been really good about working through that information until now.

Until now...we are waiting to see where our relationship will go from here. I'm currently waiting for her text message in response to the shotmail I sent her. Whatever happens, I wouldn't trade the last 9 months (almost) that I have had with her for all the money in the world. She has taught me so much and has instilled good values in me which I hope I will continue for a long time. Some of these are the importance of going to church, even if you don't always get something out of it, read as many books as you can, and don't forget to take some time to yourself. That also means you don't have to tell the other person everything you're thinking. Unfortunately, I may have learned that lesson a day late and a dollar short.

I hope you'll wait, and pray, with us as we try to figure out what the best decision is for us as persons who are very different as well as a couple who may or may not be able to do greater things than we could do by ourselves.

And I hope I haven't violated any kind of confidentiality this morning. Thanks for your prayers.

Community Development

Today was kind of a hard day. Even though Sinae and I spent several hours talking on the phone and had fun while I joked around, the elephant remained in the room, even now. I don't know what to make of all of this. I don't see what the big deal is with wanting to help poor people. Doesn't everybody want to help poor people? What happens when you see someone on the street in need? If you hear of a child growing up in an abusive home do you nearly cry as you pray for God to drop the answer on you or do you passively walk away without giving a single thought to this? What about in Korea where there are reportedly poor people living in the vicinity of the shopping mall where the female employees where gobs of make-up and the men where high-dollar clothing or so it seems. Do you think about the shopping center as a facade of what the neighborhood is really like, perhaps similar to the facade of West Hollywood that hides the hopelessness and despair of East Hollywood?

If I am the only person who wishes he could cry to release the sense of hopelessness that he has in helping someone else get out of a bad situation, please tell me now so that I don't chase everybody away with my wild dream.

How come most people respect those before us who have done so much for the sake of the other? Do we not all admire those martyrs of whatever faith you are who gave their all for what they believed in? How do we forget the blood, sweat and tears that they endured in order to spare someone else's life? How do we live so comfortable without thinking about the unfortunate situations of those around us?

I don't think I'm doing anything as radical as those you might be thinking of this very moment. I may have just made a baby step in that direction by visiting Heanoorim Youth Center in Cheonan, the city where I live. Students who come here apparently come from poor families who can't afford to send their children to academies which are very important in Korean culture. I don't think this is much but I hope it will be a step in the right direction and that I'll step beating myself up for not doing enough and seek ways to help others, even if their deficit is not financial but some other shortcoming. The next thing I want to check into is visiting people in the hospital. There is a licensed minister at the church I attend whom I want to ask about that. He is a medical doctor so I imagine he might be a good lead.

A while from now I will go to bed. I can't meet Sinae because she is going to visit her grandpa. I'm so glad she is going to do this. She hasn't been able to do this for a long time. I don't know if I will ever be able to meet him. He is in his mid or upper 90s and he is in the hospital. He may have been a prisoner who was taken to Japan when they tried to colonize Korea. I don't know if this is exactly right but when he went to another place they beat him at the knees to some degree. He became a Christian because he saw churches helping people they weren't related to. He couldn't believe people would help people they weren't related to. These later years he couldn't do much so he mostly sits, reads the Bible, prays, sleeps and then starts the cycle over again. When Sinae talks to him, she has to practically yell in order for her grandpa to hear her. I would love to meet him and hear his story but he is losing his memory so I may never hear that story. Of all the people in her family I'd like to meet, he is chief among them.

Tomorrow I will finish preparing for classes this week and then I'm going to continue reading "The Two Koreas". If I haven't talked about this book, I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to know more about North and South Korea's long tension. I think this also helps me to understand Koreans, including Sinae.

I think right now I'm going to try to translate Colossians 1:1-8, the passage Sinae's pastor preached on last Sunday. Then I'm going to call it a day and try to resume my habit of rising early in the morning. I think I'd like to memorize Colossians 1:1-8 but that might be very difficult since Paul wrote using such long sentences.

When I went to see my very first Korean teacher today who works at an NGO, who helped me get involved with what I am doing with the youth center, she and her colleagues laughed at me when I said some things the way I did in Korean. I was thinking about it and realized I can't say too much because I KNOW that I do the same with foreigners about the way Koreans talk in English. I hope I can figure out what the things were that I said. I suppose it is comparable to listening to a toddler learning to talk, except that I am not a native Korean speaker.

Feed my lambs...isn't it obvious?

This has been an exciting week, full of jet lag and drama. On Monday, I drove myself crazy waiting for Sinae to respond to my long text message. Somehow it seems to have gotten lost in cyberspace since I apparently didn't receive it. Then on Tuesday, I managed to keep myself busier by going to have lunch with a couple friends who work at NGOs in the same office. I had some problems finding the right place and I get a second chance to look around tomorrow. I thought I was going to stay up late tonight but I think I better just get some sleep and start again tomorrow so I can follow the bus signs.

I was excited on Tuesday because I made arrangements to start teaching underprivileged children English at an NGO everyday Monday through Wednesday and perhaps also to teach NGO staff on Thursday nights. I'm kind of waiting to see if Sinae and I work through things overnight and through the weekend. Our lesson for this week is that I like to have open conversations about different possibilities and she likes to think about things on her own and make a decision on her own.

It seems that we've hit a speed bump regarding my desire to help those who can't help themselves. I guess this is a conviction that I take for granted, figuring that most if not all Christians have that same desire. This seems to be difficult for at least some Korean women to accept. Perhaps it is difficult for women, or perhaps just people in general, of all nationalities. And in my case, this is one of those things that is important for me that the other person at least accept, regardless of whether or not she engages in that kind of work herself. I guess we just have to take time to think this through.

I'm sure there is some stuff missing but I'm so tired that I think I'll go to bed and start again in the morning. Hopefully I can finish everything necessary for preparing for classes this week.

I hope you can follow my rambled thoughts, and if so, please help me.:)

Back in Korea

Greetings from South Korea! I arrived here on Friday local time and came directly to Sinae's hometown where I am still on Sunday evening. I'm planning on going to Cheonan, the city I live in, tomorrow around 10am so I can get settled in at "home" doing business that I need to tend to as well as starting to prepare for classes next semester. I'm still not completely sure of what I am doing but I purchased a lot of books from Cambridge University that will hopefully give me some tools on teaching better classes. The internet has a lot available but sometimes I end up spending more time looking than I actually find and these tools seem to describe what the purpose of the activities are.

I also feel like I have a more realistic goal with students this time. Rather than expecting them to be able to have conversation comparable to native English-speaking university students I am setting a goal of them being able to have conversations that I can have with my nieces Emma and Tammy who are 6 and 4 years old, respectively.

It was hard to leave for the airport on Wednesday night Mountain Daylight Time. There were a few moments when I almost started crying as I remembered what I have seen Mom go through. There are some memories, both good and bad, that I don't think I will ever forget. Did I mention that I started crying as I read the last few pages of "Letters to God" to Mom just before she went home. As I read that book, I recalled times when things seemed really unstable with Mom. I learned later (back to me leaving for South Korea) that Mom cried after I left, when she was alone at home and had to do things herself.

For the most part, I am happy to be back in South Korea, though it is hard for me to be so far away from my mom during this time of recovery. I am hoping to go back in January or whenever she has her second surgery to help out around the house like I did this time. Hopefully her blood clots will be long gone by then and she won't have to go through the whole process of going from the OR to ICU to the surgical unit to TCU.

This whole dilemma about whether I should return to Korea or not is an interesting one. There does seem to be a conflict of interests between taking care of Mom at home and continuing my life in South Korea, where I am involved in a deep, romantic relationship. Both relationships are very important. I did ask Mom if she would like me to stick around for a year and she said she didn't think that would be necessary. Of course it wouldn't seem realistic since my job is in South Korea, which I need to pay off my debts and more importantly, this is where my girlfriend lives. I don't know what the future holds but I think we are both hoping marriage is in the future for both of us. This requires a lot of conversations, growth, thinking and praying on both of our parts, both together and separately.

The whole scenario is interesting because early on in our dating relationship, as we talked about our values and how they differ in both cultures I recall telling her family is not as important to me as my relationships with my friends. My how Mom's health condition change my thinking and my actions. I no longer question whether or not family is important but I still wrestle with how to continue to live my life overseas, continuing to grow and learn about others while also taking care of my family.

For me, there is no question that blood is thicker than water. But I think that we sometimes forget that and when we do we hurt those who are closest to us. To prove the significance of this statement, my relationship with my Uncle Kenneth comes to mind. I hesitate to use his name here but I think with the limited traffic of people who come here as well as the fact that he wants to be known for living up to his convictions is enough reason to name him here. Anyway, it is interesting how much he came to mind as I was going through the process of helping Mom and the family out during this eventful visit home. I'd just like to take a few minutes to reflect on these things. I intend to say nothing negative here, since that probably wouldn't do much to build him up or mend fences with our relationship as it stands now.

I think Kenneth probably had a lot to do with my ease of taking care of Mom. If you know Kenneth at all, you know that he lived with his mom (my paternal grandmother) for a number of years and did things that I didn't understand while sacrificing other things. It is not insignificant to me that Kenneth only married after my grandmother passed away. I don't think there was even a question to him of whether or not he should care for his mom except when her health came to the point where he didn't feel he could do enough for her anymore. I learned a lot of consistency from Kenneth, particularly when I was a child. While I disagreed with him regarding some of his views on the status of women he was quick to make sure that he helped women out, rather than holding one view and then expecting them to do those things his rationale said they weren't equipped to do.

That brings the many mowing lessons I had with Kenneth to mind. Of course there were many other lessons he taught me. But this was a basic one. We had conversations about how my brother Bruce, my dad and I should help my mom mow the lawn more. And I learned how to use a John Deere self-propelled push more from Kenneth. I also dare not forget the many lessons he taught Bruce and I when he, my Great Uncle Glen and Grandma would come to Greeley, the city where I lived. We would go shopping together and Kenneth would usually buy something for Bruce and I that we needed, like a tube for our bicycles or a low-priced word-processing program for the computer his older brother, my Uncle Leland, gave Bruce and I. One of the other memories I have came to mind often during my time there because I saw it every time I parked my Honda in my maternal grandpa's garage during my most recent visit.

I was working on my car, a 1970 Ford Galaxie 500, with Shane, someone I went to church with whom I thought needed some TLC. I was in a hurry to get him home before I had to be at work so I wasn't thinking very clearly (Haste certainly did bring about waste on that day). I put the transmission in reverse and it wouldn't go because the parking brake was on. The parking brake release handle was broken so I using adjustable pliers (aka "Channellock" even though that wasn't really the brand of pliers that I used) without putting my footing on the brake pedal. The idle was set quite high on that car and before I shut my door it seemed that car was flying out of the garage until the door caught the middle pilar of that garage and must have pulled the bottom out a good foot. As strong as that Ford was built, my mistake ended up bending the door, something Bruce was able to fix very quickly, partly because of his own ability and partly because of his training in auto body. The next time Kenneth came to Greeley, he fixed that pillar so that it was in at least as good of shape then as it was before my accident.

As I reflect on those things, I realize how important that time was with Kenneth. He was also very supportive of me when I went to college in Boston and Idaho, even though he didn't agree with the views I had taken on as my own. He even drove all the way from Chappell, Nebraska to Nampa, Idaho (This is about a 12 hour drive from Colorado). This meant a lot to me and is something I won't forget.

During these times, Kenneth communicated to me that I am a valuable person and that my views, as far as how close they are to being right, is not as important as our relationship was. And there is a part of me that understands why things have worked out the way they have, at least for now. It is hard to have a deep relationship with someone when your views seem so different, even though it seems to me we are probably closer than what we think, and I don't think Kenneth is interested and perhaps not even able to have a deep relationship with someone whose views are so different from his. So, instead of harboring ill feelings toward Kenneth, I want to remember these lessons he taught me and practice them in my own life. Of course I hope we are able to mend fences at the right time, but I also want to respect his privacy and his own personal convictions.

This reminds me of another lesson I learned, both through various experiences during my time at home and the insight Sinae offered me. I believe Leland also contributed to the lesson that sometimes we need to take the good with the bad in our family experiences and be grateful for what we have, learn from past mistakes, and treasure the gift of family, something not everyone has, rather than shunning our own families for not being the Platonically perfect (Somewhere out there is the perfect family which I should have been given) family. When I think about it that way, I think I have been very blessed. The funny thing is that where my family has sometimes had weaknesses, God blessed me with friends who filled in those holes as well. And sometimes I find myself identifying family members as friends (One of which reads this blog and posts comments regularly).

Now all of this is easier said than done. So I hope you will remind me of these lessons when you find me complaining about the imperfections in my own life.

This is a long post. Thanks for hanging in there. It's almost 11pm here. I think I'll take a look at my notes from the sermon this morning (I was blessed to be able to follow along a little bit this morning, especially when the pastor talked about "in Christ" in Greek. I'm hoping I can find his sermons online since he preaches in Sinae's hometown which is 2 1/2 hours away from me, and also since I think this might be a good way to study Korean. I figure that if I can understand Korean sermons listening to people speak normal speed Korean might be a breeze), brush my teeth, send Sinae a long text message (It's called "Shotmail" in Korea), and get some sleep before tomorrow morning.

I hope you have a blessed day wherever you are.

Mom's Finally Home

Well, they finally gave Mom the clearance to go home. We regretted her not eating dinner at the hospital. We were waiting for the nurse to give her the orders to go home and the nurse was waiting for Dad to come to the hospital. He was waiting for the hospital to call him to tell him they were ready for the orders. Then he was aggravated because I didn't call him when I got there but I didn't know they were ready for Mom to go home. We found out they were ready because a friend of my mom's went to ask the nurse to give her instructions. Dad thought he would get there in time that the nurse wouldn't have to go over it again. Anyway, we got Mom home and I made her a quasi-satisfactory meal.

Mom slept in my bed, being worried that Dad might accidentally bump her stomach and she slept surprisingly well. I guess we don't have as many noises here as the hospital. I was surprised I slept as well as I did in a room where I can't open the window.

Mom still has a long road ahead of her but it seems that she has started the next chapter of her recovery. She is tired of dragging her wound vac around so she will be glad when she doesn't need that anymore.

I hope all is well with you. I have two more days in America and then I am leaving for South Korea early on Thursday morning.

God's Shalom!

Waiting...Praying...Learning

Today isn't such a good day for Mom, at least not this morning. After they came in to change Mom's sponge, she threw up. Mom thinks they may have put too much pressure on her stomach, which they may not have been able to help. One person also asked another if she cut a stitch. Mom didn't think that sounded like a good thing.

Apparently, we are still waiting for them to figure things out with the wound vac. They have also indicated the possibility that Mom might have stress-induced diabetes type 2. As of yet, they don't have any reliable tests because Mom has been on insulin most of the time she has been here. We are hoping her body begins to regulate her sugar properly as she continues to heal and has less and less stress. I guess that means we have to make sure not to give her stress at home.

I'm a little worried about what's going to happen when Mom goes home and when I go to South Korea. Dad isn't the best at cooking or cleaning. He is usually in the paperwork zone, almost oblivious to the condition of the house. I've taken four cold showers this week because Bruce hasn't been able to (or hasn't received the orders) fix the water heater. Dad told JoAnn we don't need any help cleaning at home but I could use the help. Nevertheless I figured it would be a good lesson for Dad to get what he wants. It's his house so he should be able to have the right to manage it the way he wants.

JoAnn thinks I've taken over Mom's roles, as far as housekeeper and office-watcher. That made me wonder if I'm enabling Dad and should tell him what I think or if it would be better to do what I can do without trying to change Dad's thinking. When this whole ordeal started, I thought it would be a good time for us to all change our routines so that when Mom comes home we would have to mess with delegating responsibility and more importantly, Mom wouldn't be burdened to clean or do the other things. Unfortunately, Dad didn't bite onto that bait so I decided to just do what I can do. Otherwise, we all end up frustrated.

On a side note, Emma had to go to the doctor to have a berry removed from her nose. She and Tammy got this grand idea that it would be fun to push berries up their noses while JoAnn and I were talking. Tammy's came out but Emma's didn't. So they went up Emma's nose with long tweezers and pulled the berry out of her nose. I think this is another opportunity for us to all learn from these circumstances. I think the lesson for me is to watch my nieces closer. And perhaps the lesson for Emma is to realize that she can't do anything she wants to do. But I think I will leave that lesson between her, her sister, her parents and God.

I'm getting a little impatient waiting for them to discharge Mom from the hospital. A week from tomorrow I'm going to be heading back to Korea. I hope Mom will be home for a week before I leave but that may not be happening. Once Mom is home, it will be easier to take care of things at home. My goal for today is to mow the lawn and to start clearing things out of the living room. Then I hope to get everything cleaned before Mom gets home. Now how can I read 300 pages before I go home to South Korea next Thursday?

Going home soon?

Mom is still in the hospital, where she has been since June 15th. She just said, "It is so discouraging." Sometimes she feels good and sometimes she doesn't. She has to take some stool softener every day which seems to help but before that she doesn't feel like eating much.

On the other hand, she seems to be quite strong and getting stronger every day. Yesterday was a good day for her. She was talking and she even expressed her frustration with me. That was the first time we had a really awkward moment because of a difference of opinion. I guess that is a good sign as far as her coming back to her old self.

On the other hand, that was an unfortunate experience and was a reminder of how overprotective my parents were of me and I think I was guilty of the same thing with Mom last night. What was the problem? We're trying to figure out how to best help Mom when she gets home. Of course, if I were going to be home forever we may not have much to worry about, though I'm sure we'd still need to find other people to help out. The big concern is how to find someone to be with Mom when Dad goes out of town for business, which he does on a weekly basis these days. He's not gone every day but he leaves for two or three days every week. We've been thinking that we (That's JoAnn, Bruce and I) will find help for Mom without asking Mom who she'd like to help. She didn't like that idea because there are obviously some people she's more comfortable with than others. Now I know this is a "well duh" situation and am embarrassed that I didn't think about this more. I felt bad last night even though we both said, "I'm sorry" and forgave each other.

Today I went to my family's church. It's an Independent Baptist Church. I was not looking forward to this nearly as much as I was going to the Episcopal Church I attended last week. But I survived the experience. My only major qualm was that it seemed like the pastor "guilted" the people. A secondary qualm was that he was all over the place, which reminded me of my pastor in Korea who goes to so many different passages that it seems utterly impossible for me to understand him preaching in Korean. Because my dad sings in the choir, he noticed I blinked my eyes a lot. I told him it was because I was so tired from listening to the long sermon.

Ironically, the pastor today preached on the same lines as the priest last Sunday: giving. But of course their passages were different (Today's was from Acts and last week was from one of the gospels). Today, the pastor emphasized giving in general, not just financially, though financially was a big part, perhaps in part because they have a building project in line, though they haven't begun any of the actual work. I'm not sure if they've even gotten the plans finalized just yet.

I think there's plenty more I've been thinking about but I guess that's enough for now. They just took Mom's temperature and she seems to have a bit of a fever. She wants to go to bed soon so I'll try to post more soon. Thanks for your prayers and following this blog, especially regarding Mom's health and her road to recovery.

Little by Little

Here is a quick update on Mom before I translate a letter from Sinae that is very important for me to understand. I welcome anyone and everyone in helping me understand Korean. Any takers?:)

On the therapy side, Mom is doing well. They will probably be ready to release her by tomorrow (Friday). On the medical side, things are still unclear. Mom has been feeling nauseous and the wound care specialists (I'm not sure if they are classified as doctors or technicians or another title) said that they thought Mom's bowels weren't working since she hasn't had a bowel movement in a while and she isn't able to eat very much. So they told her to walk a lot and drink a lot of water. That seems to be helping, along with eating more fruit and being more selective of the other food she eats. She didn't didn't throw up today, unlike yesterday, so I think that is a plus.

My grandpa (Mom's dad) is worried that Mom isn't making progress sooner. But I think this is just a long process. I expect there to be a lot of ups and downs and we might as well stay positive because if we're negative that won't do us or Mom any good. I think I might be learning some of this from my relationship with Sinae. I think there is a difference between naive optimism where one is optimistic for the sake of optimism and optimism where one puts one's hope in something or someone. I'm not sure if I have this concept of faith down yet, but I still think it makes sense to trust God that God will work things out one or the other, though that way may not necessarily be the way I think God should do it. What do you think?

Have a nice day and thanks for stopping.:)

Talk is cheap...except when it is about sending Mom home

Mom woke up this morning with nausea like she has been doing for the last few days. For some reason she hasn't felt real well today, along with a few other patients on the floor. On the positive side, one of her physical therapists said that she thought Mom would be going home soon so she started talking to Mom about what Mom might want at home (i.e. a chair in the bathtub etc.). They say it will be a few days but it seems that they are making progress with Mom. The dilemma of how to take care of Mom's wound care seems to be the main issue keeping Mom in the hospital. I don't think there is any rush since Mom isn't feeling real well today and since her eating isn't too strong, yet. Still, things seem to be coming along and I'm looking forward to the day when Mom will be ready to go home. She is looking forward to that day, too. It's always encouraging when people start talking about sending the patient home. The PT put Mom on independent today, which means she's able to get up and go to the bathroom as well as walk on her own.

I've been thinking today about how many different nationalities have been represented through the nursing staff at this hospital. Of course, there have been American citizens of various skin colors as well as people from other countries. So far, Mom has also been served by one nurse from Nigeria, one from Mexico and one from the Philippines. I envied her when she talked about eating white rice for lunch. There is also the hospitalist from Ethiopia.

I worked at the family business this afternoon. Dad wanted me to clean the counter but all I ended up doing was spreading everything on the counter and wiping the dust off. At least I was able to clean all the dust off the fan in the office. Then when Bruce came to ask me for help I was very short with him for some reason. He wanted me to help him move a van that has a mechanical problem and I didn't think about how hard I pulled on the chain when I drove the van and I wasn't sure what he wanted me to do. I acted like I knew what to do and then I got mad at him for not being more specific. Then I wondered why I got mad at him and apologized an hour later.

I've been disconcerted since yesterday when I chatted with Sinae for a few minutes and neither of us were very good at communicating. What I was telling her didn't line up with what I e-mailed her a few days ago and so she thought I was lying to her. Well, she agreed when I said she thought I was lying. But I am still wondering if "lie" means something different to her than the classic definition of intentionally misleading someone. I haven't heard from Sinae so I'm waiting for her to respond to my e-mail. It may that nothing is wrong from her end. It's very difficult to have this kind of issue as far apart as we are from each other. But perhaps there are some things lying underneath the issue that we need to talk about.

I think I better get some phone numbers for my friend Gil-Jun who wants to study at a university in America soon. Let me know if I haven't responded to your e-mail. Thanks for reading this blog, regardless of whether or not you leave a comment.

Losing Things Can Be A Good Thing

I think I wrote yesterday that the PT had Mom walk without a walker yesterday but the nurses kept using a walker with Mom. But today was a new day. They took the walker out of her room and started letting her handle her wound vac (It must way somewhere around ten pounds). I went walking with her tonight without a nurse or CNA so I believe she is making progress. She told Bruce (when I was in the room) that her bleeding had stopped so I think that gives her some relief and she seems to be stronger tonight though she still seems to be extremely tired.

She's telling me I can go home if I want which I think is probably a subtle hint that she wants me to go home. I'll look forward to writing more good news tomorrow.

Blessings!

TCU: Day (I'm not sure how many now)

I think I missed a day or two in keeping this blog up to date. Things feel like they are progressing a little more slowly and there hasn't been too much excitement so perhaps I felt less of a need to update this blog. Thanks to my Uncle Leland for asking me about Mom to remind me to post something here.

It seems that Mom has a problem with bleeding when she is on the blood thinner called Coumadin. A doctor who came in to see Mom today said he thought it may be because of Mom's hemorrhoids which were discovered ten years ago. Her nurse gave her a suppository and she seems to be doing better now though she has been sleeping a lot today.

Mom's progress seems to be coming right along though it seems to be going rather slow. But for being in the hospital for a little over two weeks, she has come a long way. I saw her walk without a walker today and I heard the PT say that she doesn't think Mom needs a walker anymore. Of course the nurses still have her use her walker to go to the bathroom and that sort of thing, probably just for safety.

Sometimes Mom seems discouraged because of how long the process of recovery is and how tired she gets. I came to visit her at 6:30 tonight and after we had some casual conversation she fell into a deep sleep and didn't wake up until Dad came around 8.

The doctor who came to see her today told her he thought she would probably be going home soon but he didn't specify how long "soon" would be. I think I have said before that the people taking care of Mom's incision are going to have a meeting on Tuesday to see about how they should advise Mom to take care of her incision. Because of the wound vac, she has to change the sponge once every three days. They would like her to do that but she is not sure she can handle that. They also need to train her on how to take care of her colostomy bag. So I would imagine it will be a few days left. I think we'd all be satisfied if she could be ready to come home by early next week. Notice I said "ready". We don't want to rush her coming home so that she has to be re-admitted to the hospital.

In response to my dilemma a week ago, I found a way to go to church today while also being with my mom in the morning. I thought that if I could find a church that has a service at 8am I could receive grace while also extending it to my mom. Then I remembered a church that I have driven by many Sundays through the years in my hometown because it is the way to the church I grew up in. Since that church doesn't have an 8am service and other reasons (I like the Anglican tradition which I have experienced in America and Korea and I wanted to receive grace through communion) I decided to go to Trinity Episcopal Church. The Rector talked about how we really cannot call anything "our own", which reminded me what a gift both Mom and Sinae, among other people and things" are to me and that I don't have a "right" to any of the relationships or the people or things that are in my life now. After I received communion I went to one of the prayer ministry teams to ask them to pray for my mom. The Rector also told me to come back if I can make the commute from South Korea to my hometown in America (This was a funny joke at the time).

Transitional Care Unit (TCU): Day 1

Yesterday evening, they finally transferred Mom to the Transitional Care Unit (TCU). I first learned about this unit through a patient I met on the elevator who is probably around my age, who was wheeling himself around in a wheelchair. He broke my stereotypes of someone with blue hair and a patch over his eye. It turns out he is a very positive person and extremely easy to talk to. In fact, sometimes I end up talking with him as long as I talk to my mom. I'm glad for him that he gets to go home today. I'm sure he could use your prayers. I don't know much about his background, and am not sure it would be appropriate to share his name due to confidentiality laws. I just saw him get on the elevator to go home.

One of the hospitalists (A physician working in the hospital) came to visit Mom this morning. She is the doctor who examined Mom before the surgeon came in and shortly after that decided it was time to operate on Mom. At that time, Mom could hardly get out of bed. She thought Mom had made quite a bit of progress and didn't seem to think Mom would next an extreme amount of rehab. Someone told her that she'd probably be here 10 to 14 days, but one nurse told me some people are here for less time than that while others are here longer than that. The physician is concerned about the swelling in Mom's feet and legs so hopefully they will put Mom on some kind of water pill to take care of that. It is also disconcerting that they have to keep a close eye on Mom's blood sugar but the doctor (By the way, this doctor happens to be a woman. Something I think is worth mentioning, don't you?:) said that if she didn't have diabetes before her body should be able to regulate sugar later. The thing we don't know for certain is how long that will be. So we will continue to wait and take things a day at a time.

Have I mentioned that I am reading "Letters to God" to Mom at night. This is fun for me because it gives me a chance to continue practicing my acting skills. For those of you who don't know this, my students and Sinae think I'm quite an actor. Now, don't take this too seriously but it is a fun way to show the differences in intonation. On a more serious note, I find this book to be a means for me to think through the process I've seen with Mom. So far in the book, the father/husband was killed when he had a head-on collision with a drunk driver. In the book, his wife has a lot of questions about why this happened. I suppose that somewhere deep down inside, behind all the busyness of visiting Mom and helping out around home, there is this part of me who wonders this same thing.

Last night, I received grace by talking with Sinae. I find myself in constant bewilderment about how this relationship continues to take place. I am so grateful for the relationship I have with her. I don't think this is simply a case of me being grateful for a relationship with just any woman, but with one woman in particular. I like her approach to dealing with problems and her openness to having a relationship with me. If you know me at all, you know I'm not the easiest person to be around, what with all my seriousness and the many questions I have. Sometimes these questions scare her, but after thinking through things some, she comes around. She has been quite a blessing to me over the 8 or 9 months.

The last day on the surgical unit and then on to the rehab unit

Today was a much better day for Mom, which I think she deserves after a worrisome night wondering why she was bleeding so much. After pooping out some blood clots her bleeding stopped and the doctors think they just had her blood too thin.

Why might they be moving her, you ask? She went for a walk in the hall for the first time today and a CNA and I went with her on her second walk. She walked on her own with the walker while the CNA pushed her IV pole which is only holding the wound vac.

There is some question about which rehab unit Mom will go to. Whichever unit she is transferred to, we hope they will work with her several hours each day and that that will be her last stop before she goes home. But nonetheless, we are hopeful that the hospital staff is wise in their decisions and that Mom's progress will be slowly but surely.

I thought I would get Mom's pantry all organized this afternoon but for some reason I was lacking in energy this afternoon. I tried eating some "mini chimis" (Miniature chimichangas) which were apparently lacking in protein to my surprise. After taking a long nap (about an hour or so) I emptied out her pantry and am hoping to put everything away before I go to bed tonight. There are more things to do but I am getting things done one day at a time. Getting work done around the house (mobile home if you are talking to Dad) also gives me confidence and a nice break from sitting around most of the day.

Thanks for your comments, thoughts and prayers.

When things get bumpy...

Things were looking really good with Mom this morning. After getting 2 pints of blood last night she was stronger and she even walked to the bathroom mostly on her own. She felt a lot better after that. One of the CNAs said that she turned a major corner.

Then I went to get some TV dinners for the family business and that's when my wheels started squeaking somewhere. I stopped at Brakes Plus, which was on the way to Wal-Mart (Just so you know, I was spending someone else's money and they wanted me to go to Wal-Mart). They didn't have time to look at my car then so they recommended I make an appointment. I asked for a card and said I'd call later if I want to make an appointment. I proceeded on to Wal-Mart to buy 26 TV dinners. Mom tried calling me once but she couldn't hear me because of the bad reception (I still don't understand this concept after living in Korea). I proceeded to select TV dinners and as I was waiting to pay for the tv dinners Mom called me again and told me she was bleeding. I finished buying the food, called JoAnn to see what she thought I should do, and then I executively decided to put the food in the freezer and then come to the hospital.

When I got here, a doctor was examining Mom so the nurse asked me (More like, told me) to stay outside the room. He then contacted the surgeon (who by the way has a very good reputation among the nurses and the doctor who examined her today). We are waiting for the blood test and the surgeon to finish surgery (That is, we are waiting for the blood test results and we are waiting for the surgeon to finish doing surgery on a patient, just in case there are any wisenheimers out there).

Mom is feeling a little more relaxed after the nurse told her that when she used the restroom she only lost an amount of blood equivalent to a woman's period. This helped Mom relax some, though she is feeling pain like she felt before she had surgery.

Thanks for your prayers.

No move to therapy today, but maybe tomorrow.

We thought they might be moving Mom to the TCU (Transitional Care Unit) but they decided not to since Mom is still on a catheter and she is still using pain medicine through the IV. She needs to be more able to get up and walk to the bathroom in order to lose her catheter so hopefully they will get her to that point today. Otherwise Mom is doing well as far as her recovery is concerned.

Mom is a little discouraged because she is still not able to walk further than it takes to get to the chair. I, too, am a little frustrated with this unit because the surgeon put her here in order for them to get her up and going but they have been pretty easy on her. Last Thursday, nobody came from PT (Physical Therapy) and on Friday a woman who was 8 months pregnant came but she couldn't work with Mom other than telling Mom to do exercises with her legs because she is so far along in her pregnancy and she didn't come with another person who could help her with therapy. I told a nurse about that today and she was going to check into that. I'll be more than happy to help Mom along as far as walking is concerned. She stood for a long time yesterday with the help of a walker so I'm not seeing why they are taking things so easy with her. She has been sitting up in a chair quite a bit so I think she is getting stronger. She just needs more personal attention in my opinion. She didn't feel like getting up the first time in ICU but she had to because they made her.

I guess my job isn't to tell people what their job is. I'm just comparing with my own experience (granted I was about 40 years younger) and what I have heard from others. I saw an elderly woman walking with a therapist today in the therapy unit and I think Mom is in much better condition than her.

Sorry...there I go complaining again. I better follow my Uncle Leland's advice and focus on faith today. Faith in Mom's ability to recover, faith in the process (Sinae's favorite word), faith in those who are responsible for seeing Mom to good health, and of course, faith in God. It's just hard to see Mom as discouraged as she is. Nonetheless, she is doing a whole lot better than she was a week ago. We are just waiting in anticipation for the next step.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to get things rolling with getting things organized for when she does get home. Of course, I'd like to do basic cleaning like making sure all the newspapers have been recycles and that the bathroom and kitchen are clean. But I also want to organize her pantry, defrost her freezer in the kitchen, organize a drawer in the dining room and organize the cabinets in the bathroom. If we do all of these things, Mom will not be overwhelmed with the condition of her home and she will be able to focus on getting well. I'm also hoping Dad can get rid of a card table that he uses for doing some of his paperwork which will make it much easier for Mom to get around.

I think there are a lot of people who are ready, willing and able to help and I hope we can put all of them to good use. I just need to make a list of how we can best use you so that all of us feel satisfied and not frustrated. If you are able to tell me what you would like to do and when, I will try to work out a schedule so that your service to Mom is fulfilling and not too exhausting.

I am thankful for all of you (most of which are probably not reading this blog) for the ways you are expressing your concern to Mom. I think she is probably amazed at all the people who care for her. She couldn't believe that both of her brothers and their spouse and children (Jeff's children I mean) came 150 miles from their home to be with her and her family in the middle of harvest. I think she needs to be reminded of how important she is to all of us, including God himself.

Hmm...I feel much better now after focusing on the positive. While I am hanging around with Mom at the hospital I am thinking about lots of things. I'm thinking about my relationship with Sinae, how I can teach English better in South Korea, my life in South Korea, what it's like to be in America for longer than I have been for a while, and the mystery of me being so comfortable in the hospital. As you know, I have this crazy vision for helping those who can't help themselves and I see the hospital as one place that is doing that in the most amazing way. Interestingly enough, the hospital is an institution that probably has more politics than I could handle myself. So I am thinking about how this might be a place where I could help people. I could get involved in a hospital as a Chaplain, which wouldn't require more degrees or I could get involved in some other aspect of the hospital which may require another degree and might open more possibilities outside of the United States.

Right now, the most important thing to me is being with my mom and family now, but continuing my relationship with Sinae for a long time (my vote is forever) and to continue doing things outside of the United States while also visiting the US once or twice a year.

Sorry for the overload. I keep meaning to post more of my reflections about living in America. I'll try to do that soon.

Thanks for everything.

Surgical Unit: Day 3

I'm sitting with Mom in her room on this Sunday morning. We are trying to find a good church service on TV but that's a little difficult. I may try to find something online.

Mom is continuing to make progress. She has been taken off of Heparin (blood thinner by IV) and is on Coumadin (the pill form of one type of blood thinner). She is eating regular meals provided by the hospital. She's still not able to walk on her own but she did use a walker yesterday with the assistance of nurses and I got to help another nurse get Mom out of bed yesterday. The most challenging part was dealing with all the lines for her medicine and wound vac.

I wasn't sure whether I should go to church this morning or not. Since I don't live here I feel like I can do Mom more good by being with her than by going to a church by myself or with a family where I don't know the people. Part of this is because I remember how hard it was to be alone during the time my family was at church when I was in the hospital with a ruptured appendicitis.

So far I have three followers leaving comments. I hope to add to that but am grateful for those of you following this blog.

God's Shalom!

Surgical Unit: Day 2

I've become a little disorganized about my blogging but hopefully it is still making sense. The surgeon who first met with Mom is covering for the surgeon who operated on Mom and saved Mom's life came to see Mom today. He remembered seeing Mom before they discovered the blood clot in her artery and the hole in her colon. I probably overstated how grateful we are to Dr. Burton without expressing gratitude to him for what Dr. Burton did. I hope I didn't sound like a cranky customer. I guess there is just a part of me that wonders how the hole in Mom's colon was missed when Dr. Burton (the surgeon who operated on Mom) found it. But I guess it is harder to read a CT scan than it seems to those of us who don't know the first thing about reading a CT scan.

The surgeon talked about putting Mom on a regular diet so hopefully they'll be experimenting with her diet today to see how she does. She hasn't been eating a lot so hopefully with some more appetizing food, she will start eating more. Her blood sugar has been going up and down but things are going well.

Mom's greatest desire is to start walking and hopefully that will happen as the fluid they pumped in through her veins comes out slowly but surely. Right now I'm going to visit another lady in the ICU with my grandpa. He's very good at making friends with a lot of different people.

Thanks for following Mom's journey and participating with us.

God's Shalom!

Blood IS thicker than water.

It seems that I am learning a lot more about family after being in America for a bit longer than I anticipated. I have had problems with my only grandpa still living, whom I have always enjoyed being around, and the problem seems to be about money. I usually let him buy my meals since he is usually the one to invite me to meals and since I figure he has more money than I do. I also assume that since he is older than me and that since I have limited funds until I return to South Korea, he will be more than happy to buy the meals. The second issue is about the garage that I have used since I was old enough to drive a car. Regarding the first issue, it is not easy to convince Grandpa that I should buy the meal. He seems like he wants to but he often complains about how much more expensive the restaurants in my hometown are than they are in the city where he lives. This suggests to me that he doesn’t really want to do this so I think he should just do what he wants to do. The garage issue is a baffling one, one that comes up time and time again. Though it seemed he brought it up in a very passive-aggressive way, I decided I was tired of hearing him complain about it so I said I’d start paying the $9/month for electricity. Eventually he told me he didn’t like my attitude but we both agreed that I should go ahead and starting paying this part of the electricity. After all, I’m not paying any rent for use of the garage. Though yesterday was rough, today seems to have gone better.

I should’ve known this wouldn’t be the end of the family squabbles. I guess it started when I decided that after all the company Mom had today, she deserved to have a little rest and relaxation with her husband. So I opted to take my nieces into the nearby waiting room. I figured there might not be any people there, there would be plenty of space, it would be easier to keep them under control since they don’t listen to me all that well and I sure didn’t want to my mom to have more stress and have to get after them herself. I thought this was a good idea. Then when their mom came back, we went back with her into Mom’s room.

Now what happened after that I’m not quite sure about. I didn’t receive any information that might correct my negative thinking. All I have to go off of is vibes and the one thing I have learned from Sinae is that it is sometimes better to let someone be mad at me and wait for her/him to talk to me than to make the issue worse by bringing it up. So this is only my perception. Remember, I am an INTJ, NOT an INFJ, so I probably can’t feel very well.

That being said, it seems to me that my sister-in-law was bothered by the fact that I took her daughters away from their grandma whom they haven’t been able to see very much over the past week. She left me in charge of them while she went to change vehicles in case you were wondering why she left. I think she changed vehicles because her husband needed the car she was driving for a business appointment he had tonight.

My hint to this possible confrontation was when my sister-in-law asked my mom if she was burdened by her daughters being in the room with her. Then something seemed different about the way she communicated with me. I did get a response when I told one of her daughters she has a big belly. Apparently, this was one of those moments when I didn’t say everything I was thinking. What I was thinking is how concerned I am about her bloated belly and the fact that her stomach always seems to be bothering her. She seems to be a prime candidate for IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). When my sister-in-law said, “That’s not a very nice thing to say to girls”, I justified my action by saying, “It’s okay this time.” I didn’t really think about what I was saying when I said that. I think that’s probably something my brother and/or father might say. I wasn’t too happy about that thought. Then my other niece asked her mom as if I wasn’t in the room, “Why did he say that, Mommy?” Then I said I was concerned about her sister always having a bloated tummy but I suppose I didn’t communicate that very well.

So, now I guess I’ll wait to see what happens next in this family episode. My sister-in-law hasn’t been sleeping well these days for some reason. I suppose that could be taxing and could set her on edge to some extent. But I would imagine there is something that set her off when I took her girls into the waiting room around the corner from my mom’s room. And perhaps there was something else that caused this upset.

Whatever the answer to this perplexing situation, I suppose I should take a step back and try to look at things from a mother’s perspective and then I would like to return to my overwhelming question, “If family is important, so what?”

The thing I don’t know that might be telling as to why my nieces’ mother was upset, if she was in fact upset with me due to how I took care of her daughters while she was gone, taking the girls out of their grandma’s room while their parents were gone, is the feelings of the girls I was taking care of. My oldest niece didn’t seem to be bothered by my telling her that we were going to go to another room so that grandma can have some peace and quiet but my youngest niece didn’t seem to want to go. Nonetheless, neither of them cried and we had a fun time in the waiting room where we went. And I do believe I asked my mom if she’d like us to leave the room for a while so she and my dad could talk for a while. I do believe I had my mom’s best interests in mind, not the girls. Whoops. I’m supposed to see things from my sister-in-law’s side. The only thing I can come up with as to why she would be upset is if she felt like I was taking her daughters away from one of their grandma’s or if I was just power hungry and didn’t think about their grandma, them or my sister-in-law. I wonder what the big deal is. If someone puts someone else in charge, is it reasonable for the person who left to question the other person’s judgment, especially without saying a word about it to the person who was left in charge?

I do think my comment to my niece does deserve some negative criticism. If it were possible to say what I was thinking, I suppose I could’ve (I’m trying to get away from “should”) said, “It seems like your tummy is bloated (What is the equivalent of this that a 4 year-old would understand?). Does it seem like your tummy feels big when your tummy hurts the most (Again, I question how much of this is intelligible to a 4 year-old).” Then again, perhaps I should’ve just kept my thoughts to myself and talked to her parents about it later. I find this kind of situation hopeless no matter how one looks at it.

This is probably analogous of something I’ve been struggling with since Mom got sick. That is, “How can I help my family improve things for Mom?” I find myself sometimes trying to fix things that I can’t really fix. It seems that regarding one of my nieces, it is really none of my business how my brother and his wife deal with her, even though I think that one of their daughters has the same problem I have.

Now for the question about what to do about those members of society who are most important to us, our family. It seems to me that family is important to us. But what does that mean? Does that mean that we drop everything for them? Does that mean that we do things for them that we wouldn’t do for anyone else?

For me, the thing that makes friends, significant others or spouses so valuable is that we get to choose them. And if we don’t get along with those people we call our friends or whatever, we don’t have to continue relationships with them anymore. Sadly, at least in my family, this happens sometimes, too. I wonder if my family and I were only friends if we would still be friends. There is a part of me that is glad that family members are more sticktoitive than that. But then there is another part of me that is perplexed at these kinds of situations where it seems like we do things much more cautiously for the sake of having peace, rather than being more open as it seems I am with some of my closest friends who surely couldn’t be as close as family. But in my case, especially during my college and seminary years, my friends provided me with at least what appeared to be closer relationships. And yet, it is my family that I meet most often when I come home from another country.

Lest this blog suggest that this question is closed by ending in a statement, this subject is not closed. And perhaps it would do me well to think seriously about the difference between friends and family. Do friends fill the void that family members sometimes leave or are they merely the most plausible substitute for a void that only family can fill?

ICU No More

I'm sorry for the late update. I worked on a long letter to Sinae yesterday which occupied most of my time. We received good news from the surgeon yesterday that Mom would be transferred out of ICU and that she could try liquids. Mom just ordered lunch and they said she could have soup. The Physical Therapist recommended that Mom go to the physical therapy unit before going home. It sounds like they may transfer her there by the weekend or early next week and then after she is there for a week she may be able to go home.

Mom is coming right along, recovering from all the drugs in her system, a lot less blunt, and is freely using the telephone. All of the things unique to Mom's personality are coming alive. She even played Old Maid with JoAnn (My sister-in-law), Emma and Tammy (Mom's granddaughters) and she seemed to do fairly well. She was happy that yesterday went faster than the day before and she slept well until 3 am.

Mom's legs still feel a little bit rubbery so that part of her is still uncomfortable. I guess that is to be expected after lying in bed for nearly a week without any movement outside of the bed. I suspect they will try to get her walking at least to a chair in her room by the end of the day. They had her sitting at the side of her bed two times and a nurse stood with her the third time while they did some maintenance on her catheter.

Right now she and Grandpa seem to be having a normal conversation in her room. The surgeon told me that she thinks Mom is doing very well so this is good news to me. Mom had to have the gauze on her wound vac replaced for the second time and she said it went better than the first time. Mom had a temperature last night but they seemed to nip that in the bud with a little more antibiotic.

Mom is at the stage where she seems able to have conversation very comfortably so if you are in the area and have the time, feel free to drop by.

Thanks for all your prayers, support and the time you give to think about Mom.

ICU: Day 4

Mom continues to show signs of improvement. They took the tube out of her that keeps her from vomiting after they clamped it and found it wasn't gathering much liquid. The doctors and nurses continue to give good reports in spite of the pain that she is feeling. Right now she is moaning because of all the pain she is feeling. Although they've given her a button to push for when she needs more pain medicine, I'm hoping they'll be giving her more pain medicine in a minute (aka booster).

The physical therapist started working with Mom today but decided not to take Mom out of bed because she is so weak. So she had Mom doing hand and foot exercises and brought her up to 60 degrees. That hurt to do that and then of course when they replaced the wound vac gauze, which they have to do three times a week as opposed to two times a day with gauze pad when I had a ruptured appendicitis, they laid her flat. That caused a lot of pain because of all those muscles that were cut through for the surgery.

She's been moaning because of all the pain she's been in but they just repositioned her and she said that's better. Now she doesn't seem to be moaning quite as much but she is still moaning some. I guess it might just take some time.

When they removed the gauze one of the technicians thought she might be in a different unit by Friday. That sounds good though I'm not taking that too seriously. The day nurse, Linda, said that she's not ready to be dismissed from ICU just yet. She still seems to be struggling with her breathing. Still, people are saying she's getting better every day, in spite of the way Mom feels.

Thanks for your continuous thoughts and prayers. See you next time. Don't forget to leave us a comment or question.

The Breathing Machine Has Been Removed

Today started off with a bang, as you may have sensed from my previous blog. As they suggested might happen, after weaning Mom off the machine and doing some breathing tests, they decided it was time to take the breathing machine off of Mom. After this, her voice was hoarse and she wasn't able to say much. But she did eventually say, "I'm alive" five times to Grandpa and I. She and Dad were able to have their first long conversation since Mom went into the OR.

Mom is having a little trouble breathing since they took her off the breathing machine. I'm learning that "is this normal?" is the wrong question to ask in situations like these. I guess it is possible that Mom is having to rebuild her strength to breathe on her own though nobody knows this for sure. The nurse gave Mom some breathing medicine that is supposed to remove the fluid from Mom's lungs and I suspect that the blood clot near her lungs is also making it a little difficult to breathe.

In spite of this, I think we can still give thanks for the progress Mom is making while also recognizing that she has a long road ahead of her. The nurses also keep reminding us to take a day at a time. They talked about having Mom walk sometime today but perhaps they will wait until Mom gets her breathing under control. I DO think that would be a good idea, though I also know getting Mom out of bed is important to prevent her from getting adhesions and it's just better for her overall once she is able to manage that.

One of Mom's friends came to be a blessing to Mom and apparently struck some nerves (I mean this in a positive) as she talked about the importance of facing the why questions that we all have while also recognizing we may not always find answers to these questions. I noticed that Mom cried some during this time and I was very grateful to Mom's friend (Let's call her Carol because...that's her name).

Hopefully many more (Perhaps those of you reading this blog) will also be able to come and visit her soon. I'll let you know when this happens. Meanwhile, please pray for Mom as she continues to heal that Providence will continue to guide Mom's healing process, not just her physical well-being but also her spiritual and emotional well-being, too.

God's Shalom!

ICU: Day 3...Help is on the way

My spirits are much higher today than they were yesterday at this time. When I came in to visit Mom with my grandpa the nurse told us Mom's blood pressure is up which is a very good thing because only with medicine were they able to keep her blood pressure up to normal. I can't help but think it had something to do with Dad coming into the room to visit and speaking to Mom. He even gave her a kiss which I think she deserved after all she's done for us, not to mention all the things she's been through.

They have started to wean her off of the breathing machine and she seems to be doing quite well. When they moved her she was breathing heavier but the nurse said that was to be expected in light of the fact that they were moving her and we all breathe harder when we are exercising.

I don't know what else to say. When I first came in yesterday morning I was a bit discouraged until the anesthesiologist came in and assured us she would be fine but that this would be a tough week. Grandpa and Dad thought they saw change yesterday and it seems like there is more positive change today.

I just want to say thank you again for all the prayers, phone calls, thoughts, concerns and support we have received from our family and friends. Mom is making progress but she still has a long road ahead of her.

It pleases me that Mom is smiling more today, particularly with her eyes. As her cousin Ardis has said, that's the real Marilyn.

My spirits are high. Please leave a comment to let me know your thoughts on all of this and continue to pass this on to the whole world. I am so thankful every day that I get to spend time with Mom and I hope we don't take her for granted every again.

ICU: Day 2

Mom is still in ICU for the second full day (presuming she stays there until tonight) and they are not going to take her off of the breathing machine because her blood pressure is still too low without medicine. I had to come into the waiting room while they put a wound vac on her to suck out all of the stool and other bad stuff from her belly cavity. They can do this because they didn't close her incision when they operated.

I was a little disheartened when the nurse who is working with Mom for the first time (for her) said that Mom is no worse. I heard that before she went into surgery. Then I was encouraged when the anesthesiologist came into the room. I remembered him from when he came into the room before surgery and told us that the surgery was very risky and that we could lose her in the OR. Now I know that he is very direct. He said that Mom was stable during the surgery (I'm proud of my mom who was very strong even during this difficult time with her health) and that she will make it through this though this week will be very tough for her. That took away the tears from my eyes for the time being. Nonetheless, I'm choosing to believe that things are going to work out. I seem to hear a constant reminder from God to trust God in spite of these difficulties and not to forget the vow I made to live my life differently as a result of all of this.

My mind is very much at ease now that I have decided to stick around here at least until August. I hate being so far away from Sinae but I can't hardly pull myself away from my mom. I was blessed by Sinae's brother, Siwon who wrote me an e-mail practically ordering me to stay with my mom and family during this time of need and NOT to return to Korea until Mom is better.

It's time for lunch. I'll be posting more by tomorrow. Feel free to pass this blog onto people as you wish. We need all the prayer and support we can get. We are grateful to God and the grace God is giving us in many different forms.

ICU: Day 1

I came to visit Mom this morning with my maternal grandpa. We stayed here until lunchtime and then joined JoAnn, Bruce, Emma and Tammy (my brother and his family) for lunch. Dad came along to drink a glass of Pepsi and finish off the hamburger that Emma didn't want to finish. After that we came to the hospital and I was surprised to see my mom's cousin Yolanda and her husband Clayton come along to visit. Then Sharon and LeRoy (Mom's younger but not youngest brother and his wife) came along. Katie (my cousin, their daughter) joined them during her lunch break. She might come back tonight with her husband, Ivan.

The report on Mom is that her vitals are good and she is doing better than the surgeon expected her to do. She is still on the breathing machine which they will continue until her breathing is better. She is breathing fast right now, perhaps because of the blood clot. But all in all, the report on her is good. The nurse thinks she is strong and that Mom will make a full recovery.

I would imagine that the most difficult part for Mom is not being able to communicate with us (i.e. talk) though she can understand what we are saying and nod up and down. I would imagine the second hardest thing for her is not being able to serve herself. And perhaps the third hardest thing is asking for more pain medicine when she is hurting. After that, it is difficult for her not to bite down on the breathing tube. I think they are beginning to suspect that they need to give her more medicine when this happens. She had some problems earlier but now she is doing well.

I was blessed to have my Aunt Sharon ask me how I am doing. For me, I am thankful that Mom is still alive. Even though she has tubes going every which way, I am hopeful that she will come through. I did cry for about an hour last night as I remembered all the trauma I've seen Mom go through. I trust these are tears of joy in gratitude for the fact that Mom survived two significant ordeals that seemed to be life-threatening to some extent.

I hesitate to talk about how we are dealing with this as a family but I think it might be helpful to write this down and come to a better understanding of my own thinking and perhaps you can tell me where I am wrong in my thinking. It seems that some of my family is less optimistic. Mom's cousin Ardis suggested this is because they didn't see Mom when her blood clot apparently moved (aka the afternoon episode that seemed like ER central where Mom's heart rate and temperature shot through the roof as she shivered so bad that the bed was shaking). Or perhaps it is just difficult to see Mom in this condition.

For some reason, I am drawn to spending a lot of time with Mom in the hospital. I can't imagine any place I'd rather be and I think it does Mom good to show that she is important enough to spend time with her above all else. Not only that, but I remember when I was sick in the hospital and how difficult it was when my family wasn't around and I got edgy as I wondered when they were going to come. Meanwhile, other family members spend some time with her and go about their other duties. I'm probably not being fair in my expectation that they should be here more since I have little to no responsibility. I am just so thankful to have Mom around and I think we can (I said should but I'm trying to change my thinking with this word) show her our appreciation and love by spending a lot of time here. Now surely I am in the wrong in my thinking, aren't I?

I guess everything is what it is. Surely Mom has a sweet deal with some family members who want to spend a little time with her and one who can't do anything else. I heard a lot about "ministry of presence" in seminary and I find that we can do what we need to do here while keeping Mom company while she gets better.

She's Fine

I am pleased to share the good news that Mom came through the surgery in better condition than the surgeon expected. I would like to make mention of the fact that the surgeon is a woman. What a great thing for a woman to not only be able to have this kind of job but also to be superior at her job. I wish we would've given her applause for the work she did. But I guess we were so numb from everything that we were just glad she came through.

She still has the blood clot and she will be put on blood thinner for the next 6 months and after that they will remove the bag and connect the two pieces of her large intestine. The surgeon removed approximately one foot of Mom's large intestine and said that once Mom recovers she expects Mom to live a normal life, perhaps more normal than she did before.

She is in ICU now and she will hopefully be awake tomorrow morning. Dad and Bruce are in there now. I feel like I should sing the Hallelujah chorus, though the battle is not over. However, this is a HUGE victory. And I am thankful to God for hearing the prayers of many a people, a true testimony of God's love, grace, and forgiveness. I think Mom went into surgery feeling guilty for not taking care of her body and I trust she's going to wake up with gratitude for the grace to experience a second chance at life. She does have a long road and I trust that we will all remember that along the way.

I think that while I sing the Hallelujah chorus I'm going to shed tears of joy and thankfulness for this second chance at life and I intend to live my life differently and love my mother deeper than ever before.