I Don't Want to be Perfect

I just finished reading, "Dare to Be Average!-Ways to Overcome Perfectionism", the 14th chapter in his book, "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy". Before I finished reading this chapter, I had a little squabble with Sinae, the cause of which was probably related to the same subject as this chapter.

I've been thinking about the counseling session we had yesterday and the things the counselor told us. I blindly followed everything he told us then and have been thinking about it today. The main things I remember are him telling Sinae to speak very easy Korean since I said that Korean would be our language of choice. I mistakenly assumed that Sinae was trying to speak even easier Korean after that and wound up criticizing her for speaking easy Korean to me. Of course, this aggravated her because here she was trying to speak simple Korean and I was still criticizing her.

The second thing he said was that we always have shame and that we can never get rid of it. We just have to know how to deal with it. As soon as I heard that, I start analyzing whether this was a Calvinistic ideal or simply a realistic approach. Either way, I didn't like that notion because it gave me a sense of defeat that I could never overcome my shame.

I'll let those thoughts hang for a while and see what you think. I've been struggling more with the concept of Sinae loving me and me loving her this week more than I did last week. I feel bad about our date yesterday because I didn't sleep very well and then I was tired after our counseling session. Since we weren't able to have a lot of deep conversation because of how tired I felt, I was a little sad when I got home. This was no problem to Sinae, of course. But I felt shame for not always being able to have deep conversation. I was so tired that I could hardly have conversation at all.

Back to Dr. Burns, he says some things about how glorious life can be when we are not trying to be perfect and the things we could miss out on if we were perfect. I think this gives me a better glimpse of what it means to love someone and perhaps this is why Sinae loves me, too. Read that last sentence correctly. I couldn't possibly doubt Sinae's love for me. I just find myself wondering why she loves me, sometimes.

"In fact, just think what it would be like if you were perfect. There'd be nothing to learn, no way to improve, and life would be completely void of challenge and the satisfaction that comes from mastering something that takes effort. It would be like going to kindergarten for the rest of your life. You'd know all the answers and win every game. Every project would be a guaranteed success because you would do everything correctly. People's conversations would offer you nothing because you'd already know it all. And most important, nobody could love or relate to you. It would be impossible to feel any love for someone who was flawless and knew it all. Doesn't that sound lonely, boring, and miserable? Are you sure you still want perfection?"

See you later...Farewell to a friend who became family

This morning I heard the sad news that Elmer Hays, a long-time family friend who was more like family, passed away. He had been sick for quite a well and from what I hear he had been praying to be sent home away from a body that was inflicting so much pain.

I realized tonight when I started crying after seeing his obituary, apparently the realization that his passing wasn't simply a nasty rumor, that he was a significant piece to me being who I am today, one of the many people that is easy to take for granted for all the good things that have taken place in my life in spite of the many difficulties. In fact, I think talking about him is right in line with my ongoing discussion with my reflections on shame.

When I was a little boy (I'm sure that is a classic storyline, right?) my mom babysat four boys who demanded a lot of attention. I'm sure my brother blended right in with them but apparently Elmer realized this wasn't the case more than anybody else. At some point, he noticed that I hardly even talked amongst the rest of the clan and he had a talk with my dad about this which I'm sure was pretty forceful. I don't know what was said but I don't think it was too long after that Mom didn't babysit those four brothers anymore. And from what my dad tells me, I started coming out of my shell. Thanks, Elmer, for telling me then and so many years later, "You're important."

I remember one time when Elmer took Mom, my older brother Bruce and I to Mom's hometown in the company van. On the way there or back, Elmer spotted a turtle on the highway and pulled over so he could rescue that turtle and give it to Bruce and I to take care of. Of course the rest of the story is that in one of my moments of selfishness the turtle got away because Bruce went inside to use the bathroom and I was ordered to watch the turtle. That didn't seem too exciting to me, especially being ordered around by my brother. Anyway, thanks Elmer, for telling the turtle, "You're important."

It's funny how much pressure I put on myself to be an outgoing person and say all the right things. When I think of Elmer I remember four things: his eyes, his beard, his smile and his hand that I always shook when we met. The most impressionable part of him to me was his eyes for it was with his eyes that he told me, "You're important." I still remember that look so many years after seeing him face to face.

One of the later memories I have of him, perhaps the last of him when he was in really good health, was when I was attending a Bible school about 45 minutes from Elmer and Francee's house. I somehow wound up visiting them one night and we talked about my confusion about eternal security. Elmer seemed to agree wholeheartedly with my dad on that issue but he gave a slightly different interpretation that was beneficial to me. Once again I heard him say, "You're important."

Elmer was also very respectful to Dad. There was a time in my life when I didn't respect my dad as much as I do now and Elmer told me what a good friend Dad was. That made me really proud. I heard him say, "You're dad is important and so are you."

It may sound like I'm exaggerating that point but I think in most if not all of my interactions with Elmer that was the message I got the most from him. What you may not know about Elmer is that he was a big man and he gave me the impression that he could get mad at somebody and even hurt them if he really wanted to. And yet in his dealings with me, and this was probably his real personality, he was as tender of a person as anyone could ever meet.

I'm sorry to Elmer Hays for all the times that I doubted myself and felt like the whole world was turning against me, including myself, that I forgot what you always said to me: "You're important." I also know that you're important and I will never forget all the good things you did for me. And thanks for saying a word to Dad to give me the love and attention that I needed. I suppose I was worthy of that but your actions were most definitely an act of grace.

Houston, We've Got A Problem!

Wow! That's my response after reading the chapter for tonight from Feeling Good. Here I thought I had made all kinds of progress and it turns out I'm still thinking in some majorly unhealthy ways. How does a guy who falls in love with philosophy and logical thinking get so messed up in his own thinking and perception of day-to-day kinds of issues?

The first part starts out well with some common statements about figuring out what causes one's depression and how important it is to deal with that in order to get down to the root of one's depression. There's even a practical method for figuring this out.

It's the test that comes next, proposed as an alternative, easier way to evaluate oneself, that was so alarming to me. In all six areas including approval, love, achievement, perfectionism, entitlement, omnipotence and autonomy, I scored in the negative. The good news is that if I take the coming chapters serious and use the tools of the book, I may be able to overcome these challenges. The bad news is that I must be bringing on this depression myself just because of the way I think. I've been told a number of times that I think too much, but I would say that my problem is not in thinking but just in thinking inappropriately. I suppose not thinking would cut the source and perhaps end my bad thinking.

I had an interesting conversation with a colleague who is helping me with a research program. The truth is that Nahk Bohk should have cast me out of his office a long time ago. The irony is that those things which would seem negative to me like my English communication-skills seeming less fluent than a native speaker usually is, my negative thinking, my complaints about the universities policies, and my lacking the appearance of a preacher and being much gloomier than any other Christian he'd encountered were the very things that made him want to be friends with me. Now I don't quite get this. It would seem like these things are vices and he would want to steer clear of me, but after giving him plenty of reasons not to tell me to come back, he kept inviting me back. Now I think Lewis B. Smedes would call this grace.

The Difference Between Sadness and Depression

I just took the BDC (Burns Depression Checklist) and I scored a 21, which he classifies as mild depression. That might sound bad but it is a huge improved compared to my two previous tests which I scored in the moderate depression category. That means I am making progress. I feel like I've had major victory this evening. My upper left side was hurting earlier today so I started to worry that I might have to have gall bladder surgery or that I might have to have kidney stones removed. I decided to take a nap to see if a little rest my help. I found myself waking up and feeling pain on my sides (which may be the result of exercising for the first time in quite a while last night). When I woke up I found myself shoulding myself as usual and I found that I had a sick feeling as I started to search for the Korean sitcom I've been watching lately. In that moment, I decided to stop feeling guilty for something I was enjoying and I have had a superb evening. I haven't gotten anxious by not receiving a text message from Sinae and I have just enjoyed being alone in my apartment without the anxiety that I SHOULD go out and meet some people somehow. I am planning on going running like I did last night but because I WANT to not because I HAVE TO.

I read some encouraging stories tonight of people who became depressed because of situations they were in. One person was diagnosed with cancer, one person had a spouse who lost a limb, another person lost his job and still another person felt guilty for giving her brother information which he used to kill himself, his fourth suicide attempt that caused his death.

The biggest lesson I learned through all of this which was probably more of a reminder than a lesson is that my worth is independent of my productivity. So if I get a lot done on the research or if I only get a little bit done, that doesn't take away from my worth as a human being. This gives me a lot of freedom as far as meeting the professor I have a meeting with tomorrow to talk about this research with. I'm also hoping to be a lot more patient with him when I don't understand what he is saying or when it seems he doesn't understand what I am saying.

Another important lesson from this chapter is that their are events that cause us to feel genuine sadness but these are authentic external events that do not cause us to feel a loss of self-esteem, such as when a family member dies or when we experience another kind of loss. If these events cause us to have a loss of self-esteem and lead us into an extended period of sadness that debilitates us in some sense that may be a symptom of depression caused by a cognitive distortion.

Ironically, today is my friend Jake Hoover's birthday and it is also the day that my maternal grandmother passed away, three days after my casual friend Jerod Krohn passed away. As I think of those events on this day, I do feel a certain level of sadness but not a loss of self-esteem. I think especially of my grandma whom I had a lot of contention with but whom I know really cared about me and I feel her love today, especially as I remember her smile. And I also remember Jerod's smile as he and I were able to have comfortable conversation even though we seemed to be very different. He was very well-liked by most of the students at the university and seemed to have a lot of friends whereas I was busy working as many hours as possible so that I wouldn't have to face the person I saw in the mirror who couldn't make friends easily.

Obviously, there is some shame there. I did eventually stop working so many hours and at this time in 2003 I found it almost impossible to finish my homework for any class, particularly philosophy. I had been seeing a counselor at that time but for some reason we didn't address the issues of shame that I was feeling at that time.

Thou Shalt Not Should!

Here comes another post about how I shouldn't should. I've been in my apartment all day today with no interaction with the outside world until tonight when I decided to try exercising to see if I could rid myself of the horrible way I felt. This feeling is normal for me at the end of the day when I have been alone in my apartment. I'm not sure if it is a matter of missing Sinae or if I am shoulding myself about all the work that I didn't get done.

After a joyous conversation with Sinae, and no fighting in spite of my bad emotions, I decided to pursue this emotion further by reading the next chapter in "Feeling Good" which speaks to the issue of guilt. The aspects of this chapter that I heard over and over again are that we depressed folk tend to should ourselves into depression. Rather than sharing the methods Dr. Burns advises for working through these emotions, I thought it might be interesting to list the "shoulds" I have felt today with a possible exception in brackets.

1. I should have gotten up earlier [which means I should've gone to bed earlier].
2. I shouldn't have gotten up so late [even though I went to bed late and it IS my vacation].
3. I should have finished reading all the articles I borrowed for my meeting on Wednesday [even though I received them on Wednesday not knowing how long I would stay at Sinae's house].
4. I should do the dishes.
5. I should clean this apartment.
6. I should always be joyful, whether I am alone or I am with people.
7. I should pray for a long time.
8. I should exercise.
9. I shouldn't watch tv for two hours.
10. It shouldn't take me so long to eat dinner [even though it is difficult to eat dinner while watching tv when I have to read all of the subtitles of an hour-long drama that takes longer when I have to download it in 15-minute increments].
11. I should talk on the phone as long as Sinae wants to talk.
12. I should understand if my family seems to be uneasy about my relationship with someone from another country.
13. I should study Korean [even though it seems difficult to do all things in a day that I want to do].
14. I should do something for fun.
15. I should go to sleep [even though I'm not really tired after drinking coffee, exercising and having a delightful telephone conversation with Sinae].
16. I shouldn't feel guilty [even though this may be a natural feeling and just because I feel guilty doesn't mean that I am guilty].

As you can see, it is difficult for me to change some of these statements into "non-should" statements.

Here is an example of something that turned out differently than "should've" happened. As I wrote previously I was extremely nervous, or perhaps scared would be more accurate, about meeting Sinae's family. Since both of her parents were previously suspicious of our relationship working out, not to mention the fact that I don't speak Korean well, I'm a foreigner and I've never done a full bow properly before, I think I really believed that they shouldn't accept me.

If you are expecting me to report that Sinae's parents and family did NOT seem to accept me, I am sorry to disappoint you. Yes, that means that Sinae's family did seem to accept me, even her dad, which was a total surprise to me. By the time I arrived at her house I did my best to believe that things would turn out well. Somehow, Sinae's mom seemed to be as comfortable with me as she could've been in spite of my limited Korean ability and not being a Korean and her dad even expressed enjoying meeting me on the day I left. This was a big lesson for me in believing the impossible can be possible and that I might actually be a better person than I give myself credit for. I think I was happier as a result of this Lunar New Year experience with Sinae's family than I have been prior to that experience. That also gave me a chance to see Sinae in complete relaxed form and it proved to me how much Sinae really loves me. Even though I'm sure we could persevere if her family didn't approve of me it is a big blessing to me that they are receiving me and this is clearly a sign of Amazing Grace. How else is it possible for Sinae's parents to have changed their minds about me. As it turned out, Sinae was right all the millions of times she told me that if her parents get a chance to meet me and get to know me, they will like me.

The Power of Negative-Thinking

I thought I was doing really well with managing my thoughts on paper yesterday until I started boiling as Sinae and I started talking about the big event of me meeting her parents. As this event gets closer, I am getting more and more nervous. And I think it is because I have the idea that this is not going to go well, which is the cognitive distortion that David D. Burns calls, "Bad Fortune Teller". Then I am also shoulding myself into thinking that I have to be nervous about this event and that I can't just be happy about the joyous occasion of meeting Sinae's parents. Needless to say, for reasons I don't understand myself, that boiling resulted in me using a sharp tone with Sinae and we have been on rocky ground since. It seems like we might be coming around but it is still hard to say at this point.

Which makes a good segue into Dr. Burns' sixth chapter, which talks about more productive ways to manage disagreements. There is a lot in this chapter that speaks to the ways I erroneously respond when Sinae and I start arguing. Of course my struggles go back long before I met Sinae and I recall the way people on my father's side criticized me and how I felt like my self-esteem was always being tampered with. Dr. Burns does well in showing some practical ways of investigating the accusations by asking questions of time and location, when and where I did such and such, and also by finding something to agree with what the person says, even if the accusation is entirely false.

I hope I can put these things into practice, especially in my relationship with Sinae, so that I stop feeling like I am being attacked and so that I can start to really hear her out on ways that I can improve myself and also my relationship with her.

By the way, I am amazed by how Dr. Burns sets himself against many if not most psychotherapists, and Freud himself.