Determining My Mind

After spending 10 days with Sinae, we came to the most serious dilemma we have faced yet. That is about our visions and specifically where in the world (literally) we are going to live after my contract runs out.

Rather than give the details about what took place there, I want to start dealing with my ideas about returning to St. Louis. This is a safe thing to think about right now because I still have a year-and-a-half left before my contract runs out. If I remember correctly, I went through the same thing a year or so ago and then I decided to sign make contract to stay here longer.

But now this decision involves another person and so I need to start figuring out what I want to do. This dilemma came as a result of me thinking constantly about St. Louis. I guess I see myself settling into an easy life in South Korea at the cost of the reason why I came to Korea in the first place. The reason was that I had more debt than I could manage and that I would return to St. Louis once I had contained the debt enough to invest in helping others.

So therein lies the first goal of this dilemma of whether or not to return to St. Louis. I'm hoping to be debt-free in 2 years but that is something I aimed for nearly two years ago and I am just getting to the point where all I have left to pay are my school loans.

The second major factor that leads me to wonder about returning to St. Louis is the dreams I've been having lately, combined with a sense of guilt for leaving St. Louis and wondering what might have happened if I would've stayed. Recently, I dreamed of when I first started moving things to St. Louis before I officially moved to St. Louis. While most of this guilt as about St. Louis, there is also some guilt about leaving Kansas City.

I've contacted one pastor that I connected with well during the short time that I was in St. Louis. I am waiting for his reply and hoping for a telephone conversation in the near future. I'm curious if I could continue down the line of ordination if I were to live in another part of South Korea, not working for a Nazarene-affiliated position, as well as what possibilities I might be eligible for regarding working with Asian communities after having lived in Korea for four years (As of the time when my contract will have ended).

My next plan of action will be to contact the pastors I worked with as a volunteer at the church I attended. I had a difficult time working with them at times perhaps because of the idealism I had about ministry. Nonetheless, I think they were patient with me overall, though perhaps a little disappointed that I didn't practice what I preached about building relationships with people in the neighborhood where I lived.

After this, there is just the matter of exploring community development, the field I'd like to work in if I do end up moving back to St. Louis. And after that, all that seems to be left are my mentors around the US as well as the people I know in Korea.

The main question, as it seems to me, is whether this is just a pipe-dream I will fantasize about for the rest of my life or if this is some kind of vocational calling. Is this something that I MUST return to St. Louis for or is it something I could actualize in South Korea just as much as I could in St. Louis or another major city in the US or somewhere else in the world.

I remember when I was living in the US and how grateful I was for the opportunity to live in another country for a while. I didn't get the opportunity to visit St. Louis so I'm not sure about the pull in that direction. But when I visited there the year before, I think it was hard for me to leave St. Louis.

Will you pray with me and offer me guidance on this serious matter that has consequences not only on my life but on Sinae's as well as we both consider the plausibility of our relationship regarding this serious discussion?

The Latest on Mom

It's been a while since I wrote anything about how Mom is doing. Since I just talked to her on the phone, I figured this might be a good time to give you the latest.

Mom is no longer using a wound vac. Because of a yeast infection they took the wound vac off of Mom and once the infection was gone they said Mom no longer needed the wound vac.

This does not mean that Mom's incision is completely healed. It still has another inch until it has grown completely together. I think Mom is a little concerned that this isn't happening as fast as when I was sick but I suspect that a difference in age and procedures has a little bit to do with this. Mom is still seeing some puss in her incision but apparently this is no reason for concern as far as the doctors are concerned.

Mom is still on medicine for reducing her blood sugar. Mom's blood sugar is usually low unless she has something sweet. I'm hopeful that this means she will be released from the blood sugar pill.

When I called Mom and Dad last Sunday night (American time) they were driving around and planning on going shopping. These are all very good signs to me and Mom seems to look forward to these outings. I think her anticipation to get outside of the house is a good sign as far as her health is concerned.

The second surgery hasn't been confirmed yet, but it will probably be sometime in January or February. Mom is hoping for sometime in February since her birthday is in January and she doesn't want to be bogged down during that time. She's also itching to take care of her granddaughters again.

While it is has been difficult for Mom with Dad and Bruce working so much and me being in another country, JoAnn has been good about going to help Mom in the afternoon and Mom has a friend, Laurie, who is a nurse who has been a Godsend for Mom.

Everybody needs their independence, but when?

I learned today that different cultures view independence in different ways. Not only is the definition of independence different, but so is the timing of it.

For most of my life, I seem to recall always dreaming of when I might be set free from the limitations of living with my parents. I presume this to be part of the American dream. Before today, I thought this was the normal thought of people around the world, and perhaps even on other planets.

But I learned that is not the case, especially for Korean women. Instead, it is apparently traditional for Korean women to live with their parents until they get married. The exception to this may be when one goes to college (aka university) or when one is offered a job in another city or when one's own family can't support him or herself, or perhaps when one should support his or her family.

This means that when someone gets married they may have had little or no independent, single experience which makes the transition from the single to the married life much more stressful. Not only do you go from being dependent on others making choices for you or at least helping you make choices to having to make your own choices but your choices also have consequences not only for you but for the person you are in a covenant relationship.

This was very hard for me to swallow. I think it is mostly because of my own experiences. I cannot imagine having to live with my parents for the last 32 years with the exception of going to college. Even though that is a dependence of sorts it is not the same as having to pay rent every month and deal with maintenance issues that you can't simply report to the Resident Assistant (RA) or his/her superior.

This conversation opened up a whole new can of worms as far as my thinking is concerned.

You are alone.

This morning we met a conflict about the problem we had recently resolved. And the cause of the conflict? Cultural and language differences. It's funny what a difference there is between saying, "You are alone" and "You are lonely".

Sinae's friend Jeongsu tried to explain the differences between Korean and American culture to me per her request. But I knew nothing about this because he went right into the explanation of this without saying, "Sinae has asked me to talk to you about..." so I felt like they were ganging up on me. And then when he said, "You are alone" as in nobody else thinks the way you do that was the straw that broke the camel's back. What he meant to say is that "You must feel like you are alone" or "You are probably lonely living in another country" but those words "You are alone" stung. So I said I didn't want to talk about this and that pretty much ended the possibility of talking about anything.

I was so aggravated and shocked that whatever chance I had of understanding the sermon in Korean was eliminated so I decided to arrange my thoughts by writing four pages in a notebook while the pastor was preaching. This turned out well since it helped me to prepare for a frank conversation with Sinae and Jeongsu. As is normal with me, I had misunderstood the whole situation.

But I learned something valuable about cultural differences. First, the definition of "friend" seemed to be more related to activities and commonality than intention (I'm still not sure I'm understanding this right). Second, it is normal for one friend to explain to his friend's boyfriend an issue that her boyfriend may not understand from her (I don't understand Sinae's perspective so she asks her friend to explain the situation to me).

I'm so very glad that we were able to resolve this issue between the three of us and I hope that we have not only a stronger relationship between Sinae and I but also between Jeongsu and I.

Loving the sinner and hating the sin

Here is a report of yet another victory in my relationship with Sinae which seems to have a parallel with what Jesus (as it stands in my mind Jesus taught this either both in words and actions or at least by actions) taught about loving the sinner but hating the sin.

Sinae and I discovered a cultural difference (Either a difference between Korean and American culture or at least a difference between our own frames of mind) regarding chatting online with people we've never met. Of course I didn't think there was anything wrong with this, particularly because I've heard a lot of good explanations about Korean or about Asian culture. But in the end I chose my relationship with Sinae as being more important than these virtual relationships. As part of our victory, I decided to delete those women I've chatted with whom I've never met in person.

My Uncle Leland reminded me of the difference between not being able to accept a part of a person's life (i.e. chatting) and not being able to accept the person. I'm not sure I've ever experienced this paradox in real life comparable to what I experienced yesterday and a little bit today.

Now that I've deleted those contacts I hope that this dilemma will be one that only exists in our memories and hopefully that memory will become less and less, and by God's grace, hopefully it will never resurface again.

Love the sinner but hate the sin...what a stark contrast. How does this work?

Revival

I wanted to post a picture but I couldn't think of a good way to portray "revival" in a picture without snatching something off the web and that doesn't have someone else's name on it.

This has to be the biggest turning point kind of weekend that Sinae and I have seen since our relationship began. After a series of difficult conversations (I might have called these fights in the past) we decided to draw a conservative (Now for those of you who know me, you know how serious I am to use this word) boundary in terms of our physical relationship. We did this before and saw great growth during that time. Since we both seem to have some trust issues, we both agreed that we should focus on developing the emotional side of our relationship to give that aspect time to catch up with the physical side.

I felt bad about this, wondering if we were starting off where we left off when we stopped our previous boundary, hoping that our relationship has been progressing. I started to cry a little bit as I had a loss for words, something that is quite common when we don't have an issue to work through. Since we drew a new boundary, I couldn't opt for the physical side so I had to suffer through it and I cried a little bit. Then Sinae cried a little bit, and a little bit more, and a little bit more. I think we are both happy that this relationship is surviving all of these twists and turns, mountaintops and valleys. And I think that for me, my love for her has been renewed.

I want to talk about something that is a serious struggle, and something that future generations may struggle with, especially people in Korea who were influenced by conservative missionaries of yesterday. When I was a teenager, a lot of people talked about boundaries, as in what NOT to do, but I don't remember much about what we should do. I remember one lesson where the youth pastor talked about boundaries and we even went around the room and drew a boundary. Most of us drew the line at french-kissing. But I'm not sure if that is the best method for drawing a line. I think you have to consider backgrounds (in our case, differing language and cultural backgrounds) that may affect this issue as well as where the most vulnerable points are.

I think that a lot of organizations have done well in presenting the abstinence form of unwanted pregnancies and hopefully this has prospered health on a deeper level than not getting pregnant before a couple is ready. But I think it would have been helpful to address these issues on a more specific basis, and perhaps talking more about how these choices affect one's emotional well-being and how about talking about it in the positive as far as where, when and how it might be appropriate to have some physical contact.

Maybe I'll add that to my book-writing dream AFTER I get married.

Anyway, I think I have peace tonight. I'm not thrilled about the physical boundary, but I am fulfilled to have experienced a very special conversation with Sinae that may have come as a direct result of this boundary. And I hope and pray that we will be stronger about our boundary. I think the ironic thing is that fulfillment comes in waiting. This seems to be an ideal taught in Scripture that must have been as counter-cultural in the various societies represented in culture as it is in this country and others around the world. That is where I think campaigns like "True Love Waits" did well.

Love is like a roller coaster...?

I am writing on here for once in a delightful mood. I spent a long weekend with Sinae last weekend and I think our relationship grew by leaps and bounds because of it. We were together from Thursday evening through Sunday evening. That was well worth the time. There were, of course, a few disagreements or misunderstandings here and there, but it was all worth it in the end.

I think one of the greatest lessons I learned about her is that she is a keeper and very strong in the loyalty category. This makes me want to love her and treat her well. I have shocked her with a lot of things and, while she was disturbed at the time I told her, she was okay after a little alone time. It seems apparent to both of us that we are good for each other and that we are changing and growing in positive ways. We are even able to have some really interesting conversations in spite of the language, cultural and gender barriers.

I think that as a direct result of my relationship with her I am learning to love Koreans more and more. One book I read about Korean culture said that foreigners have a love-hate relationship with Korea I am finding that I have more of a love than a hate relationship with Korea. But I guess I better be cautious about my optimism since the semester just started.

I'm also glad to know that there are anonymous readers out there who don't leave comments. I learned from one student that he goes to my blog from time to time but only looks at the pictures because my entries are so long. Thanks for following me and I hope you'll leave a comment some day.

My computer battery is getting low and so is my own.

To err is human but to make a really big mistake you need a foreigner.

I am pleased to announce that my thinking that Sinae and I might separate was a complete misunderstanding that, fortunately, didn't lead to a broken relationship. We eventually discovered that we both thought the other person wanted to break up with us and now we are really happy. These seems analogous to what happened when Mom got really.

Perhaps there is a lesson here about treasuring the things we have and more importantly, the relationships we have while we have them before we lose them. I've learned this with Mom and Sinae but I think I could improve in this area with other family members.

I think with all of this behind me, it's time to get back to talk about life in South Korea and other things I've been thinking about.