I have made my decision...

It's been way to long since I've posted anything on here. I'd like to get ready for bed but I feel like I have too much energy to go to bed just yet. Besides, I'm so tired these days that it doesn't seem to take away my feelings of exhaustion if I sleep more.

A lot has happened, at least to me, since I last posted on this blog. The biggest thing that has happened is that Sinae and I have decided to prepare for getting married. I haven't proposed to her yet, and I won't say my plans on here in case she is reading along, but we have basically made a decision to move forward in our relationship, being convinced that we love each other so much that we can't imagine our lives without each other.

Prior to that decision, I realized that my self-esteem problems were hindering our relationship and that I was afraid to commit to marriage even though I told Sinae that I had been thinking about her many times in the context of marriage and that I used debt and time as excuses for putting this decision off. The amazing thing is that Sinae discerned all of this through one sentence about me saying I thought we should get married after my debts are paid off. After a long and difficult week we both agreed that we wanted to get married. I've been living in bliss ever since then while also dealing with my own shortcomings that I hope to at least start working through before that blissful day.

For those of you who know me well, you know that self-esteem is a constant problem for me. I realized that even when one is in a romantic relationship with one s/he loves, a low self-esteem continues to be a thorn in my flesh. One of my former professors recommended a few good books to me on this subject and I am debating on whether to buy them now and pay the higher cost of shipping to have them sent to Korean from America or wait until I am in America again. Even though the books may be more expensive I think I should start reading them now.

The two biggest areas where I see my self-esteem holding me back is in terms of my relationship with Sinae as well as in getting things done on a daily basis. I have yet to catch up on grading things that should've been done shortly after the Mid-term exam. I feel a constant war going on inside of me about whether or not I am good enough.