Determining My Mind

After spending 10 days with Sinae, we came to the most serious dilemma we have faced yet. That is about our visions and specifically where in the world (literally) we are going to live after my contract runs out.

Rather than give the details about what took place there, I want to start dealing with my ideas about returning to St. Louis. This is a safe thing to think about right now because I still have a year-and-a-half left before my contract runs out. If I remember correctly, I went through the same thing a year or so ago and then I decided to sign make contract to stay here longer.

But now this decision involves another person and so I need to start figuring out what I want to do. This dilemma came as a result of me thinking constantly about St. Louis. I guess I see myself settling into an easy life in South Korea at the cost of the reason why I came to Korea in the first place. The reason was that I had more debt than I could manage and that I would return to St. Louis once I had contained the debt enough to invest in helping others.

So therein lies the first goal of this dilemma of whether or not to return to St. Louis. I'm hoping to be debt-free in 2 years but that is something I aimed for nearly two years ago and I am just getting to the point where all I have left to pay are my school loans.

The second major factor that leads me to wonder about returning to St. Louis is the dreams I've been having lately, combined with a sense of guilt for leaving St. Louis and wondering what might have happened if I would've stayed. Recently, I dreamed of when I first started moving things to St. Louis before I officially moved to St. Louis. While most of this guilt as about St. Louis, there is also some guilt about leaving Kansas City.

I've contacted one pastor that I connected with well during the short time that I was in St. Louis. I am waiting for his reply and hoping for a telephone conversation in the near future. I'm curious if I could continue down the line of ordination if I were to live in another part of South Korea, not working for a Nazarene-affiliated position, as well as what possibilities I might be eligible for regarding working with Asian communities after having lived in Korea for four years (As of the time when my contract will have ended).

My next plan of action will be to contact the pastors I worked with as a volunteer at the church I attended. I had a difficult time working with them at times perhaps because of the idealism I had about ministry. Nonetheless, I think they were patient with me overall, though perhaps a little disappointed that I didn't practice what I preached about building relationships with people in the neighborhood where I lived.

After this, there is just the matter of exploring community development, the field I'd like to work in if I do end up moving back to St. Louis. And after that, all that seems to be left are my mentors around the US as well as the people I know in Korea.

The main question, as it seems to me, is whether this is just a pipe-dream I will fantasize about for the rest of my life or if this is some kind of vocational calling. Is this something that I MUST return to St. Louis for or is it something I could actualize in South Korea just as much as I could in St. Louis or another major city in the US or somewhere else in the world.

I remember when I was living in the US and how grateful I was for the opportunity to live in another country for a while. I didn't get the opportunity to visit St. Louis so I'm not sure about the pull in that direction. But when I visited there the year before, I think it was hard for me to leave St. Louis.

Will you pray with me and offer me guidance on this serious matter that has consequences not only on my life but on Sinae's as well as we both consider the plausibility of our relationship regarding this serious discussion?