Still Trying to Grow

I continued my quest to grow through Cognitive Therapy by making files via the computer to use for sorting through my numerous negative thoughts. I'm hoping this will help me not just think about myself more positively but that it will also improve my quality of life by changing my behavior. I think today may have been a good start. I was with my wife all day today and we both seemed to enjoy each others' company. We were also doing different things though we were in each others' presence all day. Cognitive therapy is the beginning. I hope that during this vacation, and in the New Year, that I will find a renewed experience with God and that God will find me and renew me in a way I haven't known for a long time. However, regardless of what happens, I aim to continue my pursuit of truth in all facets, and I hope you'll join me whoever you are and wherever you are. I'll also try to be honest about what I am experiencing. Perhaps we can start the year fresh, together, as one people seeking for truth and finding it in the numerous ways that God reveals Godself to us.

Back to the basics...again

It's 12:50am and I am starting again at Ground Zero. No, there are no disasters. I'm still employed. I'm happily married, though my wife and I have hit a bump in the road with what language to communicate in. But I think my struggles with shame were the predecessor. I would like to trace my Christian experience from the time I got married. You may recall that I was thinking pretty seriously about Calvinism for a while. That was because I couldn't believe that there was a beautiful woman in this world who could love me for who I am and say to me, "No matter what, I will be here." I learned differently when I got married, that such a thing is true. I think we can call this the Honeymoon. And since my wife seemed to accept me unconditionally, I thought that God would have to accept me that way. I still believe my wife accepts me unconditionally, but I don't think that means she is indifferent to the way I act (aka the way I treat or her fellow Koreans). I'm learning that it is the unconditional love that has such high expectations and it is that unconditional love that confronts me to be different. It says something like, "You're stuck with me forever, Buddy. Are you gonna change or do you wanna make us miserable for the rest of your life?" So I'm learning that marriage doesn't make me perfect and it doesn't remove the many weaknesses that I have. I now think that it doesn't even cover up those weaknesses, whether they be minor or major. I would've thought that my weakness in cooking would be pretty minor but now I am finding myself dreading meals because I'm afraid of making a mistake. I really hate the feeling of not knowing what to do. Of course I can cook for myself, but cooking for someone else is another story. When I first got married, I found myself being more conservative and less cynical about God. Now I suspect I was replacing my relationship with God with my relationship with my wife. In other words, if things are good with my wife, and if we pray together then things with God must be good. Yet I hear God calling me back to God in a way I haven't heard in a long time. It seems to be as much God calling me back as it is a thirst in my heart to find God NO MATTER WHAT! So here I am. I suppose I'm making progress and successes (Something I will share more about when it becomes official) but that big capital S (Shame) is still hanging over me and it haunts me everywhere I go. You know where it has plagued me the most? In the classes I have taught. It seems that I extended the shame I feel to my students. And now I've extended it to my wife as well. So what am I going to do? I've been reading, "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David D. Burns. This is the same writer of "Feeling Good" which I highly recommended about a year or so ago. In his second book he recommends doing Cognitive Therapy fifteen minutes every day. So I'm finally going to start that tonight. So here is to yet another beginning back to the basics. That means pushing aside that constant nagging that I'm not being a good enough Christian unless I'm helping the poor (I might mention that voice still hangs around even when I am teaching English to children who can't afford to go to an academy, though I'm suspicious now that I see them with smartphones). I'm also going to cool it with the voice that tells me I need to move to another country or just go back home. I'm going to follow my favorite pastor's advice and stay where I am until God moves me. And I'm going to read the Bible, pray and look for ways to love my neighbor. That's my wife, the people who live on both sides of my apartment, the professors next to my office, the people I work with and the students I teach. Will you keep me accountable to this and call me on the carpet, so to speak, when I get all idealistic and poor-hungry? You can join me, too...if you want.