"What I Don't Want to Do...that I do..." Simply a pre-Christ reality?

Hello again.

It has been a long time. As usual, when things don't go as things ought or seem like they should go, I come back here, not knowing whether what I am thinking and feeling and the way I am acting should be recorded on public record. And yet there is a sort of accountability through this method.

I made a big mistake today by having dinner with a female colleague. That in and of itself isn't so bad, but the fact that I broke a long-standing promise with Sinae NOT to eat alone with one woman is what made it bad. I was in a difficult situation before and Sinae was probably more understanding than she needed to be but today I didn't get the same same slack.

I know I was wrong. I know what I could have done differently. I just have a knack for finding myself in these compromising types of situations. How? Today it started because I casually mentioned that I was going to lunch and the other person asked if she could join me. Stumbling over what I could say so as not to sound accusatory I find myself agreeing, knowing I would pay for the decision for the next few days or however long. I was hoping I'd get the same benefit of the doubt as before and when I read the message my heart sank even deeper and that is where I have been all afternoon. Of course I know that if I would have just slipped out quietly that there would have been no problem. It's just that I don't think a step ahead and then I find myself in compromising situations.

You know I struggle with shame. Shame has been my bedfellow for as long as I can remember. It's the one friend I've always had that understood my pain when nobody else did and it's also the friend that has kept me humble. It's also the friend that constantly impairs my judgment, the friend that tells me I should get angry with Sinae for asking me sensitive questions about how I relate to women when all I really have to do is show her that I love her.

And those words that I hear every now and again really sting me. Those words that I don't really love Sinae. I won't say where the source comes from. You can probably figure that out, yourself. The important thing here is that I am failing at loving Sinae in a way that she knows I really love her that isn't just lovey dovey, impractical emotional sentiment. And today, this very moment, I find myself rock bottom at the bottom of the barrel of what it means to love another human being feeling totally clueless as to how to love someone else as well as how to overcome my own inadequacies.

I find myself at the foot of the cross once more, where the ground is level, where nobody is adequate enough. I hear the Wesleyans saying we sin no more, which may be an oversimplification of that theological tradition. And I hear the Calvinists say that we are inclined to do this continually. My understanding of the Bible and theology says that's bogus and yet that is where I find myself experientially on July 25, 2011 at 6:14pm, Korean local time.

Another voice I hear is the voice of St. Paul, whose words have been twisted every which way to suit various peoples' theological interests. Perhaps the two most extreme views are one that says Paul himself sinned continuously for he himself said "what I don't want to do that I do and what I want to do that I don't do." Then on the other side are those who say that for Paul to have confessed to constant sin would undermine his whole argument that Christ makes us free from sin.

You can probably induce rather easily that I fall in line with the latter, but in my experience in this moment I sympathize with the latter. I wonder if it could be possible that when we forget who we are and whose we are, that is when we fall into the grip of sin but that when we find ourselves AGAIN at the foot of the cross, confessing, "Almighty God, I have sinned against you in thought, word and deed..." that the Triune God responds with "Of course you have. You forgot me."

I hope things will be okay, that I'll find ways to keep myself away from compromising situations. I think for the rest of this week, I'll be making sure I make it up in time to eat breakfast. And I'll skip lunch and take time to focus on my natural inclination to sin and try to find my way through the forest with my friend, Shame. I want to start with you, God. I confess that I have sinned against YOU in thought, word and deed, in what I have done and in what I have left undone. I have not loved you with my whole heart and I have not loved my neighbor as myself. I am truly sorry and I humbly repent. For the sake of your Son Jesus Christ, have mercy on me and forgive me of ALL my sins that I may delight in your will and walk in your ways to the glory of your name, forever. Amen.

And then I turn to you Sinae, and then to all of my other neighbors whom I have let down in so many ways. I don't expect you to give me another chance. God knows I don't deserve that. Whatever happens, I'll do my best to learn from this situation and change my own behavior, with God's help. If you find it in your hearts to forgive me, then I will change, with God's help. But I really can't do it alone. Is there anybody out there who will help a friend of Shame to find his way?