It has been a long time since I’ve posted something on here, which means things are going well. Sinae and I overcame the last mountain. It seems that I may have misunderstood her, which is usually the cause of many of our mountains. I guess that is to be expected in a relationship of any kind, and especially since we are of different cultures and different languages.
I have to admit that I am finding myself in disbelief these days. I keep thinking this can’t work but it keeps on working. Tonight I was just a little bit worried that maybe all was not well but in the last hour or two we’ve been sending messages back and forth and it seems that things are well between us. So far, my first impression of Sinae being a loyal person in a relationship such as this, has yet to be proven wrong. Sometimes she has some trouble with something that comes up and after a little bit of alone time and arranging her own thoughts, and me mine, we come out on top, and I think that our relationship is getting stronger because of it.
Today, I arrived at church right on time. This was directly related to me getting up almost at the same time as my alarms went off. This still left me enough time to prepare for the class I taught this afternoon but we ended up playing other games instead. I found the sermon a little bit difficult to understand as usual, though I did find that if I stopped thinking about anything else and only focused on the pastor I could piece together what he was saying. And of course, the fact that he showed two videos also helped me make sense of what he was saying.
I think I have already referenced, “Why Men Hate Church”. I’m not recommending the book yet since I haven’t read it myself, though I do think the title has a lot of credibility. One of the videos I saw today at church was quite humorous and apparently originally directed at an English-speaking audience. Since it didn’t have much speaking from the main characters, there was not much need for a translation. The video seemed to point to the fact that a guy sometimes doesn’t fit into a traditional church service and he ends up spending more time trying to do what everyone else is doing rather than doing the things that mean the most to him personally as it relates to his relationships with other people and his relationship with God. I’m not sure if that was the original intent or if that was even the intent of the pastor, but that was my sense of it, along with a video showing Father’s School (아버지 학교), which showed men praying and hugging together as well as doing service projects. I think this fits my idea of church much better and I wonder how it suits the thinking of most men. If this has some credence to it, I wonder how the Church can bridge this gap between women and men. I’m sure there is some credence from the feminist voice for not making the church too masculine but I also wonder if there is a need to take seriously these major gender differences in order to fulfill God’s mission for the Church.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
"What I Do Is My Business and Only My Business" What a Misconception
I had a good weekend with Sinae. We decided to draw a conservative physical boundary to ensure that we would have many deep conversations over the next few months. Sometimes it is more comfortable just to get physical because of our cultural and language barriers. So we both felt really good after keeping that boundary and having many deep conversations. I learned a lot about her family which explained why they have the concerns they have about us. I also told her some of the reasons why I think we have different understandings on the importance of family which she greeted with welcome arms so we seemed to have some mutual understanding without wholly understanding the other person’s thinking. Unfortunately, we had another qualm today which I will say more about in a minute.
Last night I set my alarm for the wrong time which resulted in me getting up an hour later than I should’ve. I didn’t realize this until I got out of bed. Had I skipped breakfast, I would’ve only been a few minutes late but I didn’t want to skip breakfast so I wound up choosing to eat breakfast rather than going to church. I thought I would just go late but with the distraction of reading some blogs I wasn’t ready until 11:30 or so. By that time it was too late to go to the service which usually ends at 12:00. So I decided to stay home and prepare for the English class I had to teach at the same church this afternoon. Incidentally, I saw a man at the park who is known as “Chaplain” by the International Church where he attends. I haven’t seen him in quite a while so it was nice to cross paths with him. Unfortunately, I couldn’t talk to him long because I had to teach the class at church. It was funny how he greeted me: “Hey, American Guy!” For some reason I wasn’t offended when I realized who it was. I went to the International Church and really enjoyed talking to him because he was blunt.
I taught the class at Grace Church (천안 은혜교회) and it seemed to go fairly well. I wrote out questions from an ESL website that involved scrambled sentences and trivia questions about Europe and the USA. I divided the class into two teams and had a competition back and forth. Because one student was better at English than the other students I had to be careful that he didn’t get all the glory.
After the class, I went with Yeon Sook (연숙씨), a good church friend to have lunch, since I skipped lunch in order to prepare for the English class. After that we went to an inauguration service at another church. While I was there, I was surprised to see the president of KNU (나사렛대학교), the university where I work, join the others on the platform. Then I remembered what a close relationship the university has with churches of the same denomination.
After the service, I headed home, thinking I would have some time to prepare for this week or rest for a while. Then I read a text message from my friend So-Hee (소희) who graduated from the university where I work and we wound up having sam-gyup-sal (삼겹살) with a student and one of her other friends. I was surprised how little they dominated the conversation. It turned out to be a pretty good conversation, though I was tired by the end.
I sent Sinae a text message in response to her message to me and somewhere around that time everything went south. It seems that the fact that I didn’t go to church was a really big deal to her. I wondered if it might be but since this happened once before I didn’t think it would be a big deal to her now. I was wrong. Perhaps that explains why she didn’t respond for a while. I sent her the message at 1pm telling her I didn’t go to church and she asked me about it this evening. She usually takes a nap in the afternoon so this may have had something to do with it.
The worst part about this is that when something starts to bother her she likes to have time to herself to think about this. This is hard for me to understand because if I am alone my molehills become mountains. But for her, it seems to be the opposite. I was afraid she might want alone time, which means we may not talk on the phone again until Thursday night.
Her concern is that she wants to be with someone who is a good spiritual leader. I expressed my concern about whether it is important for me to go to church when I can’t understand the Korean sermon and I am not needed in that service. Of course I believe I should go to church, but I also need to see the practical reason for it, especially because of my INTJ personality. Before I started dating her, I dreamed of talking with my girlfriend and, eventually, wife, about the many questions in my head. Of course I was just dreaming of my own conception of the perfect woman. But now I’m beginning to wonder if this is possible. I’m not sure what I could’ve done differently except to say much less about why I didn’t go to church. Since Sinae asked me, “You didn’t listen to the service?” in Korean which I understand to mean, “You didn’t go to church?” I thought she wanted to know why I didn’t go to church. Then I figured that because she has struggled with a lot of questions herself, that she would understand my situation, particularly because I don’t speak or understand Korean well. But this time my suspicions were dead wrong.
I suspect her disconcerted feelings are related to the problem we had last Sunday (exactly a week ago). I was frustrated in the church service because I couldn’t understand what the pastor was saying, again because he preached in Korean. Apparently I am in the valley of culture shock, tired of not being able to understand Korean spoken at the speed of fluency, feeling stupid, as if I will never learn to speak Korean fluently. I expressed that concern to Sinae in some passive-aggressive ways (see previous blogs for further details) which led to having a disagreement. That issue was related to cultural understandings and a bad tone on my part. But this time it was about my own personal struggle which apparently also hits home with Sinae.
I thought there might be someone else who has talked about this struggle online (http://www.musicademy.com/2009/03/why-men-hate-going-to-church/). I couldn’t find much on the search, “What is the point of going to church when you can’t understand a sermon which is in another language?” but I did stumble across an article about David Murrow’s book, “Why Men Hate Going to Church.” I found this article quite stimulating, affirming and reassuring that I am not the only one who struggles to go to church.
While I could pass this off as simply being about culture or language, I think that is only part of the puzzle. I do think there is a very real inner struggle in me about going to church. I’m not sure where this comes from, since I loved going to church when I was a child. Perhaps it happened when I started to think about the implications or because I struggled with my faith or was involved in a church whose numbers dwindled down from nearly 40 people to somewhere around 10 people. I’m not sure about the numbers but there was no argument that the church lost people as a result of a pastoral change or perhaps because of the behavior of some of the people in the church at that time.
Well, I have yet to receive a reply to my text message, and perhaps I have found another issue that I have to sort through in order to be healthy so that I can be a better person and so that I can be the boyfriend that Sinae needs. Hold on...I just received a response. I’m a little nervous but I better check it out.
Last night I set my alarm for the wrong time which resulted in me getting up an hour later than I should’ve. I didn’t realize this until I got out of bed. Had I skipped breakfast, I would’ve only been a few minutes late but I didn’t want to skip breakfast so I wound up choosing to eat breakfast rather than going to church. I thought I would just go late but with the distraction of reading some blogs I wasn’t ready until 11:30 or so. By that time it was too late to go to the service which usually ends at 12:00. So I decided to stay home and prepare for the English class I had to teach at the same church this afternoon. Incidentally, I saw a man at the park who is known as “Chaplain” by the International Church where he attends. I haven’t seen him in quite a while so it was nice to cross paths with him. Unfortunately, I couldn’t talk to him long because I had to teach the class at church. It was funny how he greeted me: “Hey, American Guy!” For some reason I wasn’t offended when I realized who it was. I went to the International Church and really enjoyed talking to him because he was blunt.
I taught the class at Grace Church (천안 은혜교회) and it seemed to go fairly well. I wrote out questions from an ESL website that involved scrambled sentences and trivia questions about Europe and the USA. I divided the class into two teams and had a competition back and forth. Because one student was better at English than the other students I had to be careful that he didn’t get all the glory.
After the class, I went with Yeon Sook (연숙씨), a good church friend to have lunch, since I skipped lunch in order to prepare for the English class. After that we went to an inauguration service at another church. While I was there, I was surprised to see the president of KNU (나사렛대학교), the university where I work, join the others on the platform. Then I remembered what a close relationship the university has with churches of the same denomination.
After the service, I headed home, thinking I would have some time to prepare for this week or rest for a while. Then I read a text message from my friend So-Hee (소희) who graduated from the university where I work and we wound up having sam-gyup-sal (삼겹살) with a student and one of her other friends. I was surprised how little they dominated the conversation. It turned out to be a pretty good conversation, though I was tired by the end.
I sent Sinae a text message in response to her message to me and somewhere around that time everything went south. It seems that the fact that I didn’t go to church was a really big deal to her. I wondered if it might be but since this happened once before I didn’t think it would be a big deal to her now. I was wrong. Perhaps that explains why she didn’t respond for a while. I sent her the message at 1pm telling her I didn’t go to church and she asked me about it this evening. She usually takes a nap in the afternoon so this may have had something to do with it.
The worst part about this is that when something starts to bother her she likes to have time to herself to think about this. This is hard for me to understand because if I am alone my molehills become mountains. But for her, it seems to be the opposite. I was afraid she might want alone time, which means we may not talk on the phone again until Thursday night.
Her concern is that she wants to be with someone who is a good spiritual leader. I expressed my concern about whether it is important for me to go to church when I can’t understand the Korean sermon and I am not needed in that service. Of course I believe I should go to church, but I also need to see the practical reason for it, especially because of my INTJ personality. Before I started dating her, I dreamed of talking with my girlfriend and, eventually, wife, about the many questions in my head. Of course I was just dreaming of my own conception of the perfect woman. But now I’m beginning to wonder if this is possible. I’m not sure what I could’ve done differently except to say much less about why I didn’t go to church. Since Sinae asked me, “You didn’t listen to the service?” in Korean which I understand to mean, “You didn’t go to church?” I thought she wanted to know why I didn’t go to church. Then I figured that because she has struggled with a lot of questions herself, that she would understand my situation, particularly because I don’t speak or understand Korean well. But this time my suspicions were dead wrong.
I suspect her disconcerted feelings are related to the problem we had last Sunday (exactly a week ago). I was frustrated in the church service because I couldn’t understand what the pastor was saying, again because he preached in Korean. Apparently I am in the valley of culture shock, tired of not being able to understand Korean spoken at the speed of fluency, feeling stupid, as if I will never learn to speak Korean fluently. I expressed that concern to Sinae in some passive-aggressive ways (see previous blogs for further details) which led to having a disagreement. That issue was related to cultural understandings and a bad tone on my part. But this time it was about my own personal struggle which apparently also hits home with Sinae.
I thought there might be someone else who has talked about this struggle online (http://www.musicademy.com/2009/03/why-men-hate-going-to-church/). I couldn’t find much on the search, “What is the point of going to church when you can’t understand a sermon which is in another language?” but I did stumble across an article about David Murrow’s book, “Why Men Hate Going to Church.” I found this article quite stimulating, affirming and reassuring that I am not the only one who struggles to go to church.
While I could pass this off as simply being about culture or language, I think that is only part of the puzzle. I do think there is a very real inner struggle in me about going to church. I’m not sure where this comes from, since I loved going to church when I was a child. Perhaps it happened when I started to think about the implications or because I struggled with my faith or was involved in a church whose numbers dwindled down from nearly 40 people to somewhere around 10 people. I’m not sure about the numbers but there was no argument that the church lost people as a result of a pastoral change or perhaps because of the behavior of some of the people in the church at that time.
Well, I have yet to receive a reply to my text message, and perhaps I have found another issue that I have to sort through in order to be healthy so that I can be a better person and so that I can be the boyfriend that Sinae needs. Hold on...I just received a response. I’m a little nervous but I better check it out.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Potential Negative Thinking Turns Out Well
I have several files with the same name for some reason. Apparently there is enough similarity between the names to get them confused but enough difference to keep them separate. I’m sure there is a lesson in there somewhere. Suffice it to say that someday I’m going to have a headache merging all those things together.
My Uncle Leland told me to beware of using “should” in my blogs. I can’t find it but apparently my sense of guilt is implied in this language of what the voices in my head are telling me to do. Please feel free to remind me of this if you see this in my writing.
Today has not been a perfect day but I have been surprised to see the way my thinking changed from bad to good. This started with an awkward conversation with a student over dinner. I told him some time ago that I was going to make sam-gyeopsal (삼겹살) and he said that we should eat dinner together sometime after Mid-terms. I agreed and today ended up being that day. For some reason he has a hard time understanding my Korean and English pronunciation. Eventually I got frustrated to the point of not talking unless I absolutely had to when I started to think about Sinae. I remembered what she told me about how uncomfortable it makes her when I complain about Korean culture. My first thought was, “Well, I just won’t tell her about this.” Of course I’m not good at that sort of thing so I quickly realized that if I didn’t want to tell her I had a bad experience that I had to figure out a way to tell her that would be positive. Before I knew it, I found myself turn an uncomfortable situation into a positive one by remembering that not everybody has troubles with my pronunciation in Korean OR English and that perhaps I just needed to talk slow and keep trying to speak in Korean. Of course his roommate (or friend anyway) came and could understand my Korean AND my English for the most part and before I knew it I was comfortable. The first student’s name is Min-Cheol (민철), who told me on the way back to campus that my Korean pronunciation was improving. I said thank you and quickly added that he was probably just getting used to it. He agreed. I was so happy that I didn’t have to mess with the burden of telling Sinae about a bad experience but rather, about an initially uncomfortable experience that turned out well.
I had a second situation that also lended itself to negative thinking and problems with Sinae if I didn’t deal with it properly. I met a friend of mine who can’t see. His name is Gil-Jun (길준) and he can speak English better than I can speak Korean, and probably better than most of my students. He humbles me often as I see how comfortable he is with himself and how he is able to live independently, whereas I often find myself being enslaved to my own hindrances that seem much less excusable than for him to complain about not being able to see. Now his English is good but it is not perfect. This means that we often have problems communicating. Either he doesn’t understand my English or I don’t understand his. While there are some people I try to communicate with primarily in Korean he seems to want to practice English with me so I usually only speak Korean with him if we are with his girlfriend or someone else who can’t speak English well.
Here again was another situation where I found myself handling the situation differently than I have in the past, probably again thinking about what Sinae has said recently about criticizing Korean culture. I have found myself thinking a lot today about how these Koreans that I meet all day long are her people. I found myself respecting Koreans more than usual when I don’t understand Korean culture by making mental notes of questions I have about Korean culture without being critical about why people do the things they do. Usually I ask students, “Why does that matter in Korean culture?” but I didn’t today because I think that more often than not those answers are dissatisfactory because of language and cultural barriers which often lead to further complications down the road, i.e. with Sinae. I will try to list those questions at the end of this entry.
I told Gil-Jun about my problems with Sinae over the weekend which I perceive to be mostly my fault since I was the one who had the bad attitude. It seemed that Gil-Jun was giving me advice that presumed the relationship would go beyond where it is, something I’m not wanting to entertain at this moment simply because I want to live in the moment without dwelling on the anticipations of what may happen in the future. For the record, I hope this relationship will continue for a long time, lest there be any misunderstandings about that.
Now usually when there is an obstacle between Gil-Jun and I because of the language problem I find myself complaining inside that I just can’t be close friends with anyone who is a Korean. But I learned over the weekend that I have to stop that kind of thinking, which probably has less to do with people who happen to have been born in another culture and country and more to do with my own personal issues of not liking who I am and then diffusing that on others by imagining there is a perfect friend out there who just doesn’t live in Korea. The reality is probably that such a person doesn’t exist and that I ought to be thankful for the people who may not be perfectly perfect but could be great friends for me and hopefully I can return the favor to them. Shortly after this, Gil-Jun’s girlfriend Han-Ol (한올) came to his apartment with a new rice-cooker. After helping them deal with recycled goods, something Korea seems to be more organized with than America, we had ddeok-bokki, soondae (pigs intestines), and twigeem. This was a very fun and comfortable time for me, mostly because this is some of my favorite Korean food and the company was comfortable. And also because what happened to be uncomfortable at some points also gave me a lot of joy and satisfaction in the end. And now I have survived my second night of alone time not feeling a burden about the struggle of being alone or second-guessing Sinae and why she needs this alone time. I think I am doing better with this than I have in previous weeks. I also feel like she is compromising by constantly offering to have a conversation when needed. And I am compromising by giving her the space she needs while also looking forward to seeing her again on Friday if that works out as planned.
Now as for culture, here are the things that came up today in conversation. (1) Why do Koreans go to church during the sunrise every day (Monday or Tuesday-Friday or Saturday), on Wednesday, Friday and sometimes Saturday nights, as well as the 9:00, 11:00 or Sunday evening service? (2) Why are students of different ages or years (i.e. Freshmen, Seniors etc.) usually not friends with one another? I thought I had more than that but apparently that is all I can think of right now. I think that after I spend some time thinking about my questions about family that I will want to spend some time learning Buddhism, Confucianism and Shamanism, three major religions or worldviews that have highly influenced Koreans. Of course Christianity has influenced Korean culture or at least Koreans themselves, particularly Protestant Christians. I was surprised to see titles of books about the relationship between Protestant Churches and Nationalism in Korea.
My Uncle Leland told me to beware of using “should” in my blogs. I can’t find it but apparently my sense of guilt is implied in this language of what the voices in my head are telling me to do. Please feel free to remind me of this if you see this in my writing.
Today has not been a perfect day but I have been surprised to see the way my thinking changed from bad to good. This started with an awkward conversation with a student over dinner. I told him some time ago that I was going to make sam-gyeopsal (삼겹살) and he said that we should eat dinner together sometime after Mid-terms. I agreed and today ended up being that day. For some reason he has a hard time understanding my Korean and English pronunciation. Eventually I got frustrated to the point of not talking unless I absolutely had to when I started to think about Sinae. I remembered what she told me about how uncomfortable it makes her when I complain about Korean culture. My first thought was, “Well, I just won’t tell her about this.” Of course I’m not good at that sort of thing so I quickly realized that if I didn’t want to tell her I had a bad experience that I had to figure out a way to tell her that would be positive. Before I knew it, I found myself turn an uncomfortable situation into a positive one by remembering that not everybody has troubles with my pronunciation in Korean OR English and that perhaps I just needed to talk slow and keep trying to speak in Korean. Of course his roommate (or friend anyway) came and could understand my Korean AND my English for the most part and before I knew it I was comfortable. The first student’s name is Min-Cheol (민철), who told me on the way back to campus that my Korean pronunciation was improving. I said thank you and quickly added that he was probably just getting used to it. He agreed. I was so happy that I didn’t have to mess with the burden of telling Sinae about a bad experience but rather, about an initially uncomfortable experience that turned out well.
I had a second situation that also lended itself to negative thinking and problems with Sinae if I didn’t deal with it properly. I met a friend of mine who can’t see. His name is Gil-Jun (길준) and he can speak English better than I can speak Korean, and probably better than most of my students. He humbles me often as I see how comfortable he is with himself and how he is able to live independently, whereas I often find myself being enslaved to my own hindrances that seem much less excusable than for him to complain about not being able to see. Now his English is good but it is not perfect. This means that we often have problems communicating. Either he doesn’t understand my English or I don’t understand his. While there are some people I try to communicate with primarily in Korean he seems to want to practice English with me so I usually only speak Korean with him if we are with his girlfriend or someone else who can’t speak English well.
Here again was another situation where I found myself handling the situation differently than I have in the past, probably again thinking about what Sinae has said recently about criticizing Korean culture. I have found myself thinking a lot today about how these Koreans that I meet all day long are her people. I found myself respecting Koreans more than usual when I don’t understand Korean culture by making mental notes of questions I have about Korean culture without being critical about why people do the things they do. Usually I ask students, “Why does that matter in Korean culture?” but I didn’t today because I think that more often than not those answers are dissatisfactory because of language and cultural barriers which often lead to further complications down the road, i.e. with Sinae. I will try to list those questions at the end of this entry.
I told Gil-Jun about my problems with Sinae over the weekend which I perceive to be mostly my fault since I was the one who had the bad attitude. It seemed that Gil-Jun was giving me advice that presumed the relationship would go beyond where it is, something I’m not wanting to entertain at this moment simply because I want to live in the moment without dwelling on the anticipations of what may happen in the future. For the record, I hope this relationship will continue for a long time, lest there be any misunderstandings about that.
Now usually when there is an obstacle between Gil-Jun and I because of the language problem I find myself complaining inside that I just can’t be close friends with anyone who is a Korean. But I learned over the weekend that I have to stop that kind of thinking, which probably has less to do with people who happen to have been born in another culture and country and more to do with my own personal issues of not liking who I am and then diffusing that on others by imagining there is a perfect friend out there who just doesn’t live in Korea. The reality is probably that such a person doesn’t exist and that I ought to be thankful for the people who may not be perfectly perfect but could be great friends for me and hopefully I can return the favor to them. Shortly after this, Gil-Jun’s girlfriend Han-Ol (한올) came to his apartment with a new rice-cooker. After helping them deal with recycled goods, something Korea seems to be more organized with than America, we had ddeok-bokki, soondae (pigs intestines), and twigeem. This was a very fun and comfortable time for me, mostly because this is some of my favorite Korean food and the company was comfortable. And also because what happened to be uncomfortable at some points also gave me a lot of joy and satisfaction in the end. And now I have survived my second night of alone time not feeling a burden about the struggle of being alone or second-guessing Sinae and why she needs this alone time. I think I am doing better with this than I have in previous weeks. I also feel like she is compromising by constantly offering to have a conversation when needed. And I am compromising by giving her the space she needs while also looking forward to seeing her again on Friday if that works out as planned.
Now as for culture, here are the things that came up today in conversation. (1) Why do Koreans go to church during the sunrise every day (Monday or Tuesday-Friday or Saturday), on Wednesday, Friday and sometimes Saturday nights, as well as the 9:00, 11:00 or Sunday evening service? (2) Why are students of different ages or years (i.e. Freshmen, Seniors etc.) usually not friends with one another? I thought I had more than that but apparently that is all I can think of right now. I think that after I spend some time thinking about my questions about family that I will want to spend some time learning Buddhism, Confucianism and Shamanism, three major religions or worldviews that have highly influenced Koreans. Of course Christianity has influenced Korean culture or at least Koreans themselves, particularly Protestant Christians. I was surprised to see titles of books about the relationship between Protestant Churches and Nationalism in Korea.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Oh Be Careful Little Mind What You Think...Oh Be Careful Little Mouth What You Speak
Yesterday (Sunday) I was reminded of the things I've done to get through the last thirty-two years (or thirty-three years if you are in Korea) that have not always been healthy but have gotten me through a lot of difficult circumstances that I didn't understand and if I allowed myself may have caused me to go insane. Well at least that is how I see it. If you are from my father's side of the family you know exactly what I am talking about...being critical.
It seems that my college and seminary careers foster this natural cynicism that I grew up with to some extent and have been aware of but only now do I realize the real urgency of changing my thinking. It certainly isn't any easier now than before but now I have more of a sense of urgency and I think that given the fact that this is my third entry in one night hopefully demonstrates my desire to change. But we all know that the first step is easier than following through, at least on something like this where I'm not sure that people even read this blog very often. No offense if you're reading this now.
I’m not sure how, but somehow this cynicism exposed itself slightly on Saturday and moreso on Sunday. I think I had some legitimate concerns, like how I can have deep conversation with my Korean girlfriend in the same language, what to make of the voices that are telling me this can’t really work and why I can’t understand a Korean sermon after living in Korea for two years but rather than express these concerns (obviously the second one is something I have to figure out for myself) honestly or try to figure them out without planting seeds of doubt in my girlfriend’s mind (I think I want to call her by her name from now on) I used the passive-aggressive tool that has been my bed-fellow for so long, being critical. Note: this is not to be confused with critical thinking which I take to be a good thing.
And the cultural difference that goes along with this conflict is that related to the importance of family. This is something I have probably wondered about for a long time, perhaps before I moved to Korea. In my family, I have seen some brokenness that has probably lended itself to more brokenness in subsequent generations. This of course is merely speculation and I’m sure there is as much evidence against this as there is for this. But hearing negative talk about my paternal grandfather, all the things he did to cause discourse not just in the immediate family but in the extended family, the things his father did to feed his bad habits and the things that are happening now, has caused me to wonder what the importance is of family.
Then, of course there also seem to be suggestions in the Bible that the family is not THE most important thing in the world. From the early command that a man shall leave his parents (or perhaps family) and cleave to his wife, God’s call (or command, which could amount to a debate grounded in semantics) to Abram (later to be called Abraham) to leave his land, family and father’s household, along with Jesus identification of those who follow him as his mother and brothers and the Lukan account of Jesus telling prospective followers that if they want to follow him they are to hate their own family members. In one gospel account, I recall one person expressing interest in being Jesus’ disciple but feeling the need to bury his own parent, to which Jesus tells him to let the dead bury the dead.
In my own personal experience, I have had many encounters with people who were under no obligation to do what they did for me, which would suggest to me they were as much my own “family” as those I was related to. But all the while, I don’t want to underemphasize the importance of my real family. My own mother has supported me through every phase of my life, regardless of whether she always agreed with my choices. And my relationship with my father has come a long ways, having grown by leaps and bounds since our strong disagreement about where I should go to school, which led to four, five or six of the most difficult years in terms of our relationship. And of course my maternal grandparents were an unbelievable blessing to me, treating me as one of their friends rather than merely as a grandson. They modeled Christian faith for me in very quiet but convicting ways. And of course my paternal grandmother always cared for me, though the way she expressed this love was not what I thought I needed at the time. I am grateful for the way she opened her mind up to my perspective especially towards the latter part of her life. I’ll never forget the time when I was so upset about her thoughts regarding a youth conference in another state that I started crying and left the table. My mom as my witness, my maternal grandma’s attitude toward me seemed different from that time forward.
And of course the real reason why I am writing on this subject: the importance of family in Korean culture. This is significant to me because I am dating a Korean woman, now. It seems apparent by our willingness to endure through the difficult moments of misunderstanding, that we really like each other and that this liking for one another has the potential to grow into love for one another. But there is a slight obstacle: that is our understanding of family and more important, the importance of her relationship with her family, particularly with her parents. Unfortunately, I have heard a lot of accounts of foreigners who dated Koreans only to break up because the Korean family didn’t approve of their daughter or son marrying a foreigner. And in my case this is a situation that causes concern and anxiety for me because in my experience, parents don’t change their mind easily.
But that is something I don’t have any control over. I have a lot of reason to believe the Sinae is willing to overcome this mountain in order to have a relationship with me. After having had lunch with her brother, I think I understand at least her family’s culture a little bit more. And I was relieved to receive a text message from her mom tonight in response to my text message wishing her a happy mother’s day. She said, “I hope you will be healthy and have a strong mind in the Lord.” And of course she said thank you for sending her that message.
So now the next step is to finish the book I’m currently reading and start learning about family in Korean culture. I think I’ll finish the chapter I’m working on in my Korean language book, say a prayer regarding all the things I have written about tonight, send a good night text-message to Sinae and call it a night.
Trying To Understand Korean Culture
I've been reading this book (“The Koreans: Who They Are, What They Want, Where Their Future Lies” by Michael Breen, 2004) in order to understand Korean culture. This is directly related to dating Sinae (the woman in the picture below). I was surprised at how quickly this book helped me understand her as well as Korean culture. I’m more than halfway through the book and I have enjoyed reading it.
The easiest part of the book so far is the first section. In this part the writer deals with some of the easier, day to day concepts of Korean culture. I felt like this section was a Means of Grace to me because it greeted my lack of understanding as if I was talking with a friend about all the things I didn’t understand. While it could be perceived to have a slightly negative tone, I think this perspective is valuable for the foreigner experiencing frustration as a result of a lack of understanding. While greeting this frustration with open arms on the one hand Michael Breen also offers explanation that at least deferred my frustration. I found his discussion of “gibun” especially helpful in understanding why it is important for my girlfriend to be alone when we are not together and why some Koreans are hesitant to say something confrontational. Of course there is much more to this concept than I can do justice to in this short blog.
The second section is about the history of Korea and a bit more difficult to understand, or perhaps that was just my experience as I tried to read it as I rode the subway to Seoul with a lot of distractions. Nonetheless, I was able to understand more about the people I live near and work with. It certainly gave me a greater degree of compassion for Koreans which needs to go much deeper. Now I’m learning about some of the events that have led up to Korea’s nearly current circumstances. It is unbelievable to me that I knew so little about Korea’s economic crisis in 1997, when I was barely beginning my Bible school career. I’m looking forward to the upcoming chapters on politics and the economy, things I hope to write more about as I progress through the book.
A Providential Blessing
It has been far too long since I posted anything beyond a newsletter on this blog. Wouldn’t you know it is when I am trying to improve myself that I return to this habit? It just so happens that now I am in a relationship with the girl in this picture. Her name is Sinae Park (박시내). We have been dating for just over five months now. I think that she is very patient and loyal to have put up with me that long. And we certainly have our mountains. But the funny thing is we keep climbing the mountains which help us to appreciate the good times that much more. It seems that we have developed a pattern of having an issue to deal with about every other week. One of those issues has been about having alone time which I have tried to dissuade her from but I think she is right on this as well as many other issues. When she has the alone time that she needs it seems that when we are together our time together is that much more enjoyable. So I think I’m going to follow her example and start taking better care of myself, particularly emotionally, for her sake and for mine.
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