Still Trying to Grow

I continued my quest to grow through Cognitive Therapy by making files via the computer to use for sorting through my numerous negative thoughts. I'm hoping this will help me not just think about myself more positively but that it will also improve my quality of life by changing my behavior. I think today may have been a good start. I was with my wife all day today and we both seemed to enjoy each others' company. We were also doing different things though we were in each others' presence all day. Cognitive therapy is the beginning. I hope that during this vacation, and in the New Year, that I will find a renewed experience with God and that God will find me and renew me in a way I haven't known for a long time. However, regardless of what happens, I aim to continue my pursuit of truth in all facets, and I hope you'll join me whoever you are and wherever you are. I'll also try to be honest about what I am experiencing. Perhaps we can start the year fresh, together, as one people seeking for truth and finding it in the numerous ways that God reveals Godself to us.

Back to the basics...again

It's 12:50am and I am starting again at Ground Zero. No, there are no disasters. I'm still employed. I'm happily married, though my wife and I have hit a bump in the road with what language to communicate in. But I think my struggles with shame were the predecessor. I would like to trace my Christian experience from the time I got married. You may recall that I was thinking pretty seriously about Calvinism for a while. That was because I couldn't believe that there was a beautiful woman in this world who could love me for who I am and say to me, "No matter what, I will be here." I learned differently when I got married, that such a thing is true. I think we can call this the Honeymoon. And since my wife seemed to accept me unconditionally, I thought that God would have to accept me that way. I still believe my wife accepts me unconditionally, but I don't think that means she is indifferent to the way I act (aka the way I treat or her fellow Koreans). I'm learning that it is the unconditional love that has such high expectations and it is that unconditional love that confronts me to be different. It says something like, "You're stuck with me forever, Buddy. Are you gonna change or do you wanna make us miserable for the rest of your life?" So I'm learning that marriage doesn't make me perfect and it doesn't remove the many weaknesses that I have. I now think that it doesn't even cover up those weaknesses, whether they be minor or major. I would've thought that my weakness in cooking would be pretty minor but now I am finding myself dreading meals because I'm afraid of making a mistake. I really hate the feeling of not knowing what to do. Of course I can cook for myself, but cooking for someone else is another story. When I first got married, I found myself being more conservative and less cynical about God. Now I suspect I was replacing my relationship with God with my relationship with my wife. In other words, if things are good with my wife, and if we pray together then things with God must be good. Yet I hear God calling me back to God in a way I haven't heard in a long time. It seems to be as much God calling me back as it is a thirst in my heart to find God NO MATTER WHAT! So here I am. I suppose I'm making progress and successes (Something I will share more about when it becomes official) but that big capital S (Shame) is still hanging over me and it haunts me everywhere I go. You know where it has plagued me the most? In the classes I have taught. It seems that I extended the shame I feel to my students. And now I've extended it to my wife as well. So what am I going to do? I've been reading, "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David D. Burns. This is the same writer of "Feeling Good" which I highly recommended about a year or so ago. In his second book he recommends doing Cognitive Therapy fifteen minutes every day. So I'm finally going to start that tonight. So here is to yet another beginning back to the basics. That means pushing aside that constant nagging that I'm not being a good enough Christian unless I'm helping the poor (I might mention that voice still hangs around even when I am teaching English to children who can't afford to go to an academy, though I'm suspicious now that I see them with smartphones). I'm also going to cool it with the voice that tells me I need to move to another country or just go back home. I'm going to follow my favorite pastor's advice and stay where I am until God moves me. And I'm going to read the Bible, pray and look for ways to love my neighbor. That's my wife, the people who live on both sides of my apartment, the professors next to my office, the people I work with and the students I teach. Will you keep me accountable to this and call me on the carpet, so to speak, when I get all idealistic and poor-hungry? You can join me, too...if you want.

Living with Flaws

Why is it that when I tell my wife on a daily basis that I'm not perfect she seems to be okay with that but then when it comes to an issue that is more sensitive that issue seems to be enough to damn our relationship? The key word is "seems". We've been going on for several hours without saying more than necessary. I suppose it will end tomorrow but this being the big deal it seems to be, it may take longer. Meanwhile, I'm trying to get as much work done as possible so that I have room to negotiate tomorrow. Lest the reader think I'm arrogant, I know I have flaws. That's why I've become interested in Calvinism in recent weeks. This gives me a sense of freedom and acceptance. But in moments of not feeling accepted it makes me wonder if Calvinism can be true. And yet in those moments, such as these, where I don't understand why things are such a big deal, I find great peace in the idea that God might accept me in spite of my many flaws. However, that doesn't mean that God is really okay with my flaws. Could God be seen through the perspective of my wife, who although I think she will leave me if she has any sense, she probably won't and instead she will sweat drops of blood in order to make sure I'm a million times better. It's just that the idea of a loving God whom I can't see are get into an argument with seems much more romantic, no pun intended.

Taking the Reformers for Granted

I started reading the intro. to Calvin's Institutes. It's amazing how oblivious I am to the Reformers' suffering after all the theology I've studied. I think I've focused more on what they believed than who they were as people. And I'm grateful that John Calvin took the risk and wrote his Institutes. I'm not sure if I'll get them read before I have to return the book. If not, hopefully it will make good vacation reading. But then again, hopefully I'll begin to get started. I'm still trying to look at the eyes through the world of Calvinism to see whether this is a plausible perspective. I experienced two things today that made me think of this perspective. The first was in the church service I participated in today. It was in English, which was a nice change. We sang a sang that spoke of submitting to the Lordship of Christ. This struck me as odd in a way. If God is sovereign then why are we submitting ourselves to the Lordship of Christ? Doesn't Christ already have us? But then I wondered if there could be a paradox in that and if that is part of the futility of being human, that we don't really have a right to choose. The other was in an e-mail from a student who spoke of "losing" the Holy Spirit. I began to wonder what it might be like to not be able to lose the Holy Spirit. If the Holy Spirit is a downpayment which is to serve as a guarantee of what is to come, how could we lose the Holy Spirit. I hope s/he only meant that s/he felt like s/he had lost the Holy Spirit, but I suppose both are plausible in Wesleyan or Arminian thought.

The Psychology of Calvinism

I'm still entrenched in Calvinistic thought, perhaps more now than last time. I'm in the desert at the moment. I'll say more about that shortly. I felt a lot of peace today as I considered the idea that we are all filthy and the fact that anything good happens is a shear act of the Divine (aka God). I found myself surprised at various moments today, such as when the department secretary covered the sign outside of my office door which had a professor's name who no longer uses the office since he moved elsewhere. I was also pleased to see students responding when they did. But I was still disheartened when they didn't respond. Yet that didn't seem to wear me down as much as it has in the past. I've also been thinking a lot about unconditional love, something I could sure use a lot more of. Or so it seems. At the moment I can't comprehend the possibility that a relationship with God could possibly be broken to the point that one had no salvation though one had begun the process of salvation. What a joyful thought that there is absolutely nothing I could do to end the relationship with God. Verses such as Romans 8 (Nothing can separate us from the love of God...) and the promised Holy Spirit which is to serve as a guarantee of the fulness of salvation. What good is a guarantee if God doesn't follow through with it? I recalled what my university and seminary professors said about Calvinism being a logical system and I wondered what might be wrong with that in contrast to those anti-Calvinist scholars who made statements against Calvinism based on preference ("I have never liked Calvinism" or "Since I believe in free will going to a Calvinistic school was never much of an option to me"). I'm still not sure about concepts that God chooses who to save and who not to save but total depravity makes a lot of sense to me. There was a battle that I began against Calvinism in varying degrees (i.e. from 3 points to 4 1/2 points) when I enrolled in a Bible school in the fall of 1996 and I feel like I've been in battle against Calvinism until now. It makes me wonder if my resistance to Calvinism robbed me of the joy I felt when I first started attending that school. And now I find myself wanting to surrender to the God whose perfection makes my greatest deed look like the most filthy of crimes. But to be honest, the thing that makes me resonate the most with Calvinism is that I feel the most wicked in my own heart. Hearing about the optimism of Grace from the Wesleyan perspective sounds ideal but overwhelming to me. I like the Aristotelian philosophy of perfection in terms of actualized potential rather than perfection in the absolute sense. And yet I feel like even in terms of purpose I fall short and that I might as well aim for absolute perfection for the result seems to be the same at the end of the day. When I think about my own inadequacies and connect it with Calvinism's total depravity, the thought "Well Duh" comes to mind. That is to say, no wonder I feel so dirty inside because I AM dirty inside! That was all good and well until tonight when I had a fight with my wife over something that seemed so trivial and yet now is such a big mountain that we can hardly talk at 12:12am. I thought I was managing myself very well in struggling to understand a normal Korean conversation between my wife and some students. Of course she knew I was frustrated with myself and wanted to know how she could help me the next time. The way I saw it, I was the one whose works were as filthy rags who had made the mistake or that I had sinned. But she wasn't satisfied with that and as she kept asking me I got more and more frustrated along with her and I once again proved my wickedness by fighting fire with fire. I even tried praying to God to confess my unknown sin at which point she left the apartment for a few hours and just returned. I guess I'll try to resolve the conflict and pray that the Sovereign Lord might somehow intervene in spite of myself.

Me? A Calvinist?

I could have posted something when I had a hard day last week. It was one of those realities where I'm not perfect and even though sometimes people need to accept me as a flawed human being, I would like to overcome those flaws so that people wouldn't have to cater to my flaws. In that case, it wasn't about my current flaws but about my past flaws that created issues of distrust. The following day, I beat myself up over the feelings I had about myself not being perfect. While all those thoughts were coming about what a flawed human being I am, thoughts of Calvinism also came to mind. You probably know me well enough to know that I try to be as Wesleyan as possible and as little Calvinism as possible. I started to wonder last Monday if that was just because I didn't want to face the fact that I am flawed. I was thinking especially of the first point of TULIP which states that all human beings are totally depraved. That thought seemed more in line to me in that moment than the idea that there is something good in human beings, especially in this one. I further thought about my long battle against Calvinism that started when I went to Bible school. I saw a video-lectured recording of Dr. William Abraham in which he stated that he thought Calvinism came from the pits of Hell and further stated his allegiance to Wesleyanism, a perfect fit for a Methodist. That statement made me wonder how many times we choose what to believe based on what interests us the most. I know that Dr. Abraham is a million times smarter than me, and so I proffer this blog not as an attempt to outsmart a theological genius but rather to suggest a point of view to myself that I might like to be more open-minded to. As I reflect on the many conversations I've heard on this subject, I recall hearing a lot of non-Calvinists reject Calvinistic thought (which I want to remind the reader is not necessarily equivalent with John Calvin's thought) based on their own presuppositions or that they just didn't like Calvinism and I have heard more Calvinists argue on Biblical grounds that the system is true. I suppose both could be misrepresentations in one way or another, for there must surely be Wesleyans on a more Biblical front and Calvinists on a more philosophical one. When I was a student at a Nazarene university I found this dilemma could only be resolved on philosophical rather than Biblical grounds. Now I am looking at it from more of a psychological perspective than a philosophical one. I want to close this blog by sharing some good news about myself and my beliefs. I have found myself being much more skeptical about Christian thought since I have gotten married. I now see the truth in my friend Brad's counsel that whether or not our spouse shares the same faith we do has a lot to do with what we actually believe ourselves. I trust this is a good thing, whether I am resting in a second naivate or simply resting in what seems to be the most solid truth as far as we can tell as human beings. I suppose where I am at in that regard is still up for debate. But I am also hopeful that being more resolved in this regard of faith will also give me even more freedom to wrestle with the hard questions without being the double-minded person that the Epistle of James talks about.

A New Day

This is the first night that my wife, Sinae, and I are in our new place of residence in Cheonan since we got married. This is all very new to me, even though we have been through three formal events which we are classifying as "getting married". Which reminds me of a riddle we came up with. "What do you call it when someone gets married three times without ever getting a divorce? International marriage." Please feel free to edit this to make it better. Meanwhile, I think this sums up our experience pretty well.

For some reason I've been more uneasy today than I've been through all the other events. Being married seems a whole lot different to me. Whereas before, I did what I wanted to when I felt like doing it, I can't do that anymore. I also feel the realization that it's not about me anymore but rather, it is about pleasing my wife. And I think there is a significant dose of fear throughout all of this, mainly because I know I have to be better than I was before I got better. I hope you don't read too much into that "have to" because it's something I want to do.

While I was in America, I bought, "The Christian Atheist", which is a pretty easy read but is giving me a lot of "food for thought" about all the ways in which I am hypocritical and how my actions don't line up with what I say I believe. I think it also reminds me that what I believe is important not just for the sake of my eternal destiny but also for the sake of how I live my life. This brings much more meaning to me as far as the significance of faith because it isn't just about being right.

"What I Don't Want to Do...that I do..." Simply a pre-Christ reality?

Hello again.

It has been a long time. As usual, when things don't go as things ought or seem like they should go, I come back here, not knowing whether what I am thinking and feeling and the way I am acting should be recorded on public record. And yet there is a sort of accountability through this method.

I made a big mistake today by having dinner with a female colleague. That in and of itself isn't so bad, but the fact that I broke a long-standing promise with Sinae NOT to eat alone with one woman is what made it bad. I was in a difficult situation before and Sinae was probably more understanding than she needed to be but today I didn't get the same same slack.

I know I was wrong. I know what I could have done differently. I just have a knack for finding myself in these compromising types of situations. How? Today it started because I casually mentioned that I was going to lunch and the other person asked if she could join me. Stumbling over what I could say so as not to sound accusatory I find myself agreeing, knowing I would pay for the decision for the next few days or however long. I was hoping I'd get the same benefit of the doubt as before and when I read the message my heart sank even deeper and that is where I have been all afternoon. Of course I know that if I would have just slipped out quietly that there would have been no problem. It's just that I don't think a step ahead and then I find myself in compromising situations.

You know I struggle with shame. Shame has been my bedfellow for as long as I can remember. It's the one friend I've always had that understood my pain when nobody else did and it's also the friend that has kept me humble. It's also the friend that constantly impairs my judgment, the friend that tells me I should get angry with Sinae for asking me sensitive questions about how I relate to women when all I really have to do is show her that I love her.

And those words that I hear every now and again really sting me. Those words that I don't really love Sinae. I won't say where the source comes from. You can probably figure that out, yourself. The important thing here is that I am failing at loving Sinae in a way that she knows I really love her that isn't just lovey dovey, impractical emotional sentiment. And today, this very moment, I find myself rock bottom at the bottom of the barrel of what it means to love another human being feeling totally clueless as to how to love someone else as well as how to overcome my own inadequacies.

I find myself at the foot of the cross once more, where the ground is level, where nobody is adequate enough. I hear the Wesleyans saying we sin no more, which may be an oversimplification of that theological tradition. And I hear the Calvinists say that we are inclined to do this continually. My understanding of the Bible and theology says that's bogus and yet that is where I find myself experientially on July 25, 2011 at 6:14pm, Korean local time.

Another voice I hear is the voice of St. Paul, whose words have been twisted every which way to suit various peoples' theological interests. Perhaps the two most extreme views are one that says Paul himself sinned continuously for he himself said "what I don't want to do that I do and what I want to do that I don't do." Then on the other side are those who say that for Paul to have confessed to constant sin would undermine his whole argument that Christ makes us free from sin.

You can probably induce rather easily that I fall in line with the latter, but in my experience in this moment I sympathize with the latter. I wonder if it could be possible that when we forget who we are and whose we are, that is when we fall into the grip of sin but that when we find ourselves AGAIN at the foot of the cross, confessing, "Almighty God, I have sinned against you in thought, word and deed..." that the Triune God responds with "Of course you have. You forgot me."

I hope things will be okay, that I'll find ways to keep myself away from compromising situations. I think for the rest of this week, I'll be making sure I make it up in time to eat breakfast. And I'll skip lunch and take time to focus on my natural inclination to sin and try to find my way through the forest with my friend, Shame. I want to start with you, God. I confess that I have sinned against YOU in thought, word and deed, in what I have done and in what I have left undone. I have not loved you with my whole heart and I have not loved my neighbor as myself. I am truly sorry and I humbly repent. For the sake of your Son Jesus Christ, have mercy on me and forgive me of ALL my sins that I may delight in your will and walk in your ways to the glory of your name, forever. Amen.

And then I turn to you Sinae, and then to all of my other neighbors whom I have let down in so many ways. I don't expect you to give me another chance. God knows I don't deserve that. Whatever happens, I'll do my best to learn from this situation and change my own behavior, with God's help. If you find it in your hearts to forgive me, then I will change, with God's help. But I really can't do it alone. Is there anybody out there who will help a friend of Shame to find his way?

Ice Cream and Gravesites

I heard a story today that touched my heart in the most mysterious way. Before I tell that story, I'd like to tell a story of my own about someone very dear to me who died without me even being able to say goodbye to her.

My favorite place to go when I was a child was to my mom's hometown, actually six miles or so outside of city limits. My friend was a person of few words and had a love that seemed to know no end. When it came time for my parents to want to leave, Grandma would always ask us if we would like to have some ice cream and cake before we leave. Eventually my brother and I learned this was a good way to delay our departure back home which took several hours. We learned to say, "Grandma, can I have some ice cream." Because she loved us more than her own self, she would always say yes. And we were usually able to buy another thirty minutes or so before we had to leave.

Unfortunately, Grandma is not here with us, at least not in visible site. And that is why the next story I want to tell is so touching. The story is quite simple. There was a person who ate ice cream at the graveside where his parents were buried. That's the story. And there is something that is literally bittersweet (no pun intended) about that kind of a scenario. I imagine myself doing that very thing, asking Grandma why she didn't call me while she was in the hospital or why she didn't do this or that to prevent her passing. And I know that as I eat that ice cream that Grandma is somehow with me just as the person who actually did this experienced her or his loved ones' presence as s/he ate that ice cream.

To Know or Not to Know...that is the question

Yesterday, I thought I was doing a good thing. I have to finish grades by Sunday night and I am also in the midst of preparing for my wedding with Sinae which will happen in various phases. Yesterday, I was confronted with two questions I've struggled with before: (1) the relationship between church and government and (2) the relationship between knowledge and choices.

I read on the US Embassy site that the marriage takes place at the District Office. I didn't realize that disregarded any public profession of one's commitment to one's spouse. I thought that Sinae and I would go to the courthouse together and take the next step to getting married. I didn't realize that our marriage would be complete in that one step.

As we walked about of the courthouse, I learned that what I thought was just a signature for something I didn't understand was a signature to commit oneself to one's spouse.

Of course, once it was brought to my attention that I had acted out of oblivion, there was a question of how much accountability I would have. Would it matter how much I knew or didn't know? Obviously I was not looking to get out of the commitment I had made, just to receive a little understanding over my blunder. After all, we still have two ceremonies left, not to mention the wedding night.

In spite of all the debate about how much separation of Church and State there is or ought to be in America, I saw that some countries have more separation than the most liberal politician might dream of. There seems to be a paradox because in the eyes of the law Sinae and I are really married and yet we won't be spending the night together until after the second wedding ceremony in South Korea.

When I was in seminary, and pondering all the great ideas of the world, one point of thought that really stumped me was Agnosticism. One of my uncles convinced me that Agnosticism is an idealism contrary to reality because we have to make choices based on the limited knowledge that we have and to say we don't have to make choices simply because we don't know something can easily become a scapegoat. Now I look at it another way. And perhaps his explanation had this meaning as well, that we have to make choices based on the very fact that we don't know. And even after we make the choice, we have to own up to that choice and the knowledge that we didn't have at the time.

I couldn't possibly resolve either of those questions in this short blog. The way that separation takes place is different depending on one's geographical location as well as one's philosophical and theological convictions. That probably sounds pretty individualistic, doesn't it? I don't want to end there. As of yet, I don't have a good solution to this dilemma, a way to get around rugged individualism without denying the uniqueness of each person or group of people who carry with them a variety of experiences.

On the second question, I wonder if the focal point on "knowledge" is the wrong place to start and if we need to look instead at the choices we have to make. We have to turn right or turn left. We can spend money on ourselves and write it off on our taxes or we can give it to someone else and still write it off on our taxes. We don't give money to the beggar on the street because we don't know how the person is going to use our money. All the while, we are basing are decision on what we don't know rather than on what we do know. And we will probably have to answer to our Maker someday and give an account on why we did what we did without the proper knowledge.

I Just Don't Have Time

I've been falling into my same old habits of feeling overwhelmed and not knowing where to start. I think I developed a habit in Bible school of laying in bed for eight hours with the intention of getting up after a "nap" late at night but never getting up. The result of that is waking up the next morning and feeling like I have been up all night as well as the feeling of being overwhelmed because I didn't do any work last night.

There seems to be a funny intentionality game here. It seems that whatever I intend to do I don't get everything done that I seem to want to do. So it would seem like I would be better off to simply listen to that voice that knows I can't do everything because that voice usually winds up winning anyway.

How can this effect my habits? When I have this feeling of being overwhelmed I try not to do anything but work. That means no exercise, no studying Korean, no cleaning my apartment and no reading.

So, tonight I'm starting over again. I recognizing again that I am a human being and that I can't do everything. And the most important thing is for me to intentionally get eight hours of sleep or as much as I can get before getting up early enough to drop off some coffee in a colleague's office and get on the train bound for Seoul at 6:30 or 7:00 in the morning. I hope this will be a time of preparing for a class coming up where I will be a student, that I can take some time to thank God for the eventful life I'm experiencing, and also ask God to take me out of the way of whatever things lie ahead of me.

I wonder if anyone else struggles with the same sort of thing.

When All You Can Do Is Laugh

Last week was a mixed bag of learning about how to use and how not to use my sense of humor, and probably in the opposite order. I went on a trip with colleagues and felt like I was misunderstood when I was trying to be sarcastic about something. That trail followed me when I apparently misused the expression, "So you all sat there like bumps on a log" to make my point that we always use a method in teaching. And of course I was less serious than Sinae needed me to be about something that was bothering her (Little did I know that the subject at hand was bothering her).

These circumstances brought to mind the counsel that one friend of mine gave me several years ago, to consider stop joking around since it can easily become a tool we use to hide from others or use it against others in some way.

Thankfully, there was one situation (and perhaps others that I overlooked at the time) where having a sense of humor got me through a situation (as I think is the case with a lot of situations throughout my life). It was in the middle of one of my classes when I would normally have gotten upset because students weren't participating in class. And I will be giving them less points for participation, but the experience itself may be the funniest I've seen in the three years I've been teaching in the classroom in South Korea.

There were five students who were about as detached from the classroom as they could be. Two students, one female and one male, were just sitting there saying nothing to each other. After much prodding, the male student told me the reason they weren't speaking was because of "cold war". Two male students who were supposed to be working together on drawing up a healthy lifestyle were making flowers out of some type of artistic material (i.e. foam) rather than talking to each other. The third scenario was with a female student who was sitting by herself, taking pictures of people with her cell phone.

The rest of the class seemed to be talking to each other (two students, one person talking to the other) about how to have a healthy lifestyle. But when I asked them what they came up with, they gave me one word answers. So here is what the class came up with altogether, with some revision on my part.

1. Life can be stressful to the point that we think we are in a cold war.
2. That's when we need to change our actions and start by making flowers out of paper.
3. And after making flowers, we would do well to enjoy them by taking pictures.
4. And after looking at the pictures we can take a minute just to smile.
5. Then we need a moment to do nothing...
6. At which time we can do some stretching...
7. and relieve the excess mental stress by going jogging.

A Tragic Ending

I just finished watching the 126th episode of "High Kick through the Roof". This series was my company while I ate meals at home alone. I watched this many times when I was depressed and it enabled me to express my frustrations through crying. My favorite male character was probably Ji-Hoon who had the affection of to women, though he only dated one of them. I like him because he is cool, a doctor and he is considerate of others. But actually his character changes for the better as the series progresses. My second favorite character is Jun-hyuk who is a high school student. At the beginning of the show he is a gangster but he also changes as he falls in love with Se-Kyung, my favorite female actress. Even though Jun-hyuk's family is rich, and his mom doesn't have compassion for Se-Kyung or Sin-Ae (incidentally a name similar to my fiancee), Jun-hyuk convinces his mom to take in these two sisters and he does things for them without announcing it to the whole family.

Se-Kyung is probably around Jun-hyuk's age and she is a housekeeper, and a good one at that. She starts out very mellow in the beginning and becomes more relaxed as the show progresses.

Although these are my favorite characters, I see myself the most in Jun-hyuk's dad, who is always making some kind of a mistake and can't seem to do things right, even if his life depends on it, until the series is nearly over.

The irony of this series is that Se-kyung and Sin-ae, who come with hardly any money to their names, and work in a rich family, are actually rich in terms of character. Sin-ae is usually happy except for the understandable disappointments of having to be the guest of someone else's house. Se-kyung is very pretty and has a lot of character which is often overlooked by Ji-hoon until nearly the end of the series. Jun-hyuk continually tries to win her heart and only comes close in the second-to-last or last episode.

This drama or sitcom, depending on what part of the world you live in or were born in, is good for its rich variety of conversation. With the various ages of people, one can learn how to address people in Korean using honorifics as well as the lower form without honorifics between friends or loved ones. This gets to be a little tricky because not everyone uses the honorific-less form just because they are the same age or even if they are dating.

I won't tell you how the story ends in case you are interested in viewing this series yourself, which you can easily find on the internet with English subtitles.

Oddly enough, as I finish this series, I myself am a little depressed. I suppose it could be that the series is over, though I'm planning on watching it again to improve my Korean. I suspect there are other issues at play such as job issues, wedding preparation, being engaged to a graduate student in South Korea, my future job and other related aspects. I've been wrestling with shame, which I see as a significant theme in "High Kick through the Roof". I see the two greatest "shame-carriers" being Bong-suk (I hope I have his name right) and Se-kyung, who simply endures a lot of heartache. It's bad enough that she and Sin-ae are separated from their dad for an uncertain amount of time but to not even be noticed by the man she has the most affection for is even worse.

As I watch the end of this episode, the question of the meaning of life comes to my mind. Many questions confront me, like, Why does a good thing have to come to an end? Why does a person have to give up a good relationship for the sake of supporting her family? What gives a grandpa the right to treat his son-in-law disrespectfully until the son-in-law proves himself?

But I don't think the producers of this sitcom want the show to only impress a person at that level. Instead, I see a different motive in mind. It is the things that seem the most routine, and the most annoying at the time, that develop our character and it is those things that we look back on both in laughter and in genuine sobriety that form us and make us into better people. And, if we are blessed, we find ourselves in the moment we dream of, even if it only happens in the last moment.

The Next Chapter

Next week starts the beginning of the next chapter of Mom's recovery. She has a few days to enjoy spending quality time with her friend (aka "the bag") before they part ways. Surprisingly enough, Mom seems to be looking more forward to saying goodbye to her long-time friend than she does to "going under", the process necessary in order to say goodbye to her friend.

The first step is to prepare for a colonoscopy on Monday morning and then if all goes well, to have her surgery at the crack of dawn on Tuesday morning, which is supposed to be a two-hour long process.

I'm feeling a little strange about this process myself. I guess you could say I feel helpless. For some unknown reason, I am really comfortable working around the hospital, perhaps because of my experience in medical transportation. And this environment seems to be more comfortable for me than the rest of my family. Unfortunately, because the semester has already started, I am not able to be around home in order to help out the family. I was hoping the surgery would be in February but things went a little longer than we expected.

But perhaps this is a good chance for my family to do the things that I did when I was able to. I am hoping to do whatever I can from far away, like sending flowers or writing cards and certainly, calling Mom as much as possible.

I will certainly miss spending the day at the hospital and writing long letters to Sinae, my fiancee, but I am also very glad that I don't have to be separated from her by the Pacific Ocean this time, too. If you are able to spend some time with my mom, I know she will appreciate the company. But if you, like me, have unalterable circumstances, will you join me in praying for my mom and encouraging her through other means? You will certainly be extending grace to her, whomever you are.

I Don't Want to be Perfect

I just finished reading, "Dare to Be Average!-Ways to Overcome Perfectionism", the 14th chapter in his book, "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy". Before I finished reading this chapter, I had a little squabble with Sinae, the cause of which was probably related to the same subject as this chapter.

I've been thinking about the counseling session we had yesterday and the things the counselor told us. I blindly followed everything he told us then and have been thinking about it today. The main things I remember are him telling Sinae to speak very easy Korean since I said that Korean would be our language of choice. I mistakenly assumed that Sinae was trying to speak even easier Korean after that and wound up criticizing her for speaking easy Korean to me. Of course, this aggravated her because here she was trying to speak simple Korean and I was still criticizing her.

The second thing he said was that we always have shame and that we can never get rid of it. We just have to know how to deal with it. As soon as I heard that, I start analyzing whether this was a Calvinistic ideal or simply a realistic approach. Either way, I didn't like that notion because it gave me a sense of defeat that I could never overcome my shame.

I'll let those thoughts hang for a while and see what you think. I've been struggling more with the concept of Sinae loving me and me loving her this week more than I did last week. I feel bad about our date yesterday because I didn't sleep very well and then I was tired after our counseling session. Since we weren't able to have a lot of deep conversation because of how tired I felt, I was a little sad when I got home. This was no problem to Sinae, of course. But I felt shame for not always being able to have deep conversation. I was so tired that I could hardly have conversation at all.

Back to Dr. Burns, he says some things about how glorious life can be when we are not trying to be perfect and the things we could miss out on if we were perfect. I think this gives me a better glimpse of what it means to love someone and perhaps this is why Sinae loves me, too. Read that last sentence correctly. I couldn't possibly doubt Sinae's love for me. I just find myself wondering why she loves me, sometimes.

"In fact, just think what it would be like if you were perfect. There'd be nothing to learn, no way to improve, and life would be completely void of challenge and the satisfaction that comes from mastering something that takes effort. It would be like going to kindergarten for the rest of your life. You'd know all the answers and win every game. Every project would be a guaranteed success because you would do everything correctly. People's conversations would offer you nothing because you'd already know it all. And most important, nobody could love or relate to you. It would be impossible to feel any love for someone who was flawless and knew it all. Doesn't that sound lonely, boring, and miserable? Are you sure you still want perfection?"

See you later...Farewell to a friend who became family

This morning I heard the sad news that Elmer Hays, a long-time family friend who was more like family, passed away. He had been sick for quite a well and from what I hear he had been praying to be sent home away from a body that was inflicting so much pain.

I realized tonight when I started crying after seeing his obituary, apparently the realization that his passing wasn't simply a nasty rumor, that he was a significant piece to me being who I am today, one of the many people that is easy to take for granted for all the good things that have taken place in my life in spite of the many difficulties. In fact, I think talking about him is right in line with my ongoing discussion with my reflections on shame.

When I was a little boy (I'm sure that is a classic storyline, right?) my mom babysat four boys who demanded a lot of attention. I'm sure my brother blended right in with them but apparently Elmer realized this wasn't the case more than anybody else. At some point, he noticed that I hardly even talked amongst the rest of the clan and he had a talk with my dad about this which I'm sure was pretty forceful. I don't know what was said but I don't think it was too long after that Mom didn't babysit those four brothers anymore. And from what my dad tells me, I started coming out of my shell. Thanks, Elmer, for telling me then and so many years later, "You're important."

I remember one time when Elmer took Mom, my older brother Bruce and I to Mom's hometown in the company van. On the way there or back, Elmer spotted a turtle on the highway and pulled over so he could rescue that turtle and give it to Bruce and I to take care of. Of course the rest of the story is that in one of my moments of selfishness the turtle got away because Bruce went inside to use the bathroom and I was ordered to watch the turtle. That didn't seem too exciting to me, especially being ordered around by my brother. Anyway, thanks Elmer, for telling the turtle, "You're important."

It's funny how much pressure I put on myself to be an outgoing person and say all the right things. When I think of Elmer I remember four things: his eyes, his beard, his smile and his hand that I always shook when we met. The most impressionable part of him to me was his eyes for it was with his eyes that he told me, "You're important." I still remember that look so many years after seeing him face to face.

One of the later memories I have of him, perhaps the last of him when he was in really good health, was when I was attending a Bible school about 45 minutes from Elmer and Francee's house. I somehow wound up visiting them one night and we talked about my confusion about eternal security. Elmer seemed to agree wholeheartedly with my dad on that issue but he gave a slightly different interpretation that was beneficial to me. Once again I heard him say, "You're important."

Elmer was also very respectful to Dad. There was a time in my life when I didn't respect my dad as much as I do now and Elmer told me what a good friend Dad was. That made me really proud. I heard him say, "You're dad is important and so are you."

It may sound like I'm exaggerating that point but I think in most if not all of my interactions with Elmer that was the message I got the most from him. What you may not know about Elmer is that he was a big man and he gave me the impression that he could get mad at somebody and even hurt them if he really wanted to. And yet in his dealings with me, and this was probably his real personality, he was as tender of a person as anyone could ever meet.

I'm sorry to Elmer Hays for all the times that I doubted myself and felt like the whole world was turning against me, including myself, that I forgot what you always said to me: "You're important." I also know that you're important and I will never forget all the good things you did for me. And thanks for saying a word to Dad to give me the love and attention that I needed. I suppose I was worthy of that but your actions were most definitely an act of grace.

Houston, We've Got A Problem!

Wow! That's my response after reading the chapter for tonight from Feeling Good. Here I thought I had made all kinds of progress and it turns out I'm still thinking in some majorly unhealthy ways. How does a guy who falls in love with philosophy and logical thinking get so messed up in his own thinking and perception of day-to-day kinds of issues?

The first part starts out well with some common statements about figuring out what causes one's depression and how important it is to deal with that in order to get down to the root of one's depression. There's even a practical method for figuring this out.

It's the test that comes next, proposed as an alternative, easier way to evaluate oneself, that was so alarming to me. In all six areas including approval, love, achievement, perfectionism, entitlement, omnipotence and autonomy, I scored in the negative. The good news is that if I take the coming chapters serious and use the tools of the book, I may be able to overcome these challenges. The bad news is that I must be bringing on this depression myself just because of the way I think. I've been told a number of times that I think too much, but I would say that my problem is not in thinking but just in thinking inappropriately. I suppose not thinking would cut the source and perhaps end my bad thinking.

I had an interesting conversation with a colleague who is helping me with a research program. The truth is that Nahk Bohk should have cast me out of his office a long time ago. The irony is that those things which would seem negative to me like my English communication-skills seeming less fluent than a native speaker usually is, my negative thinking, my complaints about the universities policies, and my lacking the appearance of a preacher and being much gloomier than any other Christian he'd encountered were the very things that made him want to be friends with me. Now I don't quite get this. It would seem like these things are vices and he would want to steer clear of me, but after giving him plenty of reasons not to tell me to come back, he kept inviting me back. Now I think Lewis B. Smedes would call this grace.

The Difference Between Sadness and Depression

I just took the BDC (Burns Depression Checklist) and I scored a 21, which he classifies as mild depression. That might sound bad but it is a huge improved compared to my two previous tests which I scored in the moderate depression category. That means I am making progress. I feel like I've had major victory this evening. My upper left side was hurting earlier today so I started to worry that I might have to have gall bladder surgery or that I might have to have kidney stones removed. I decided to take a nap to see if a little rest my help. I found myself waking up and feeling pain on my sides (which may be the result of exercising for the first time in quite a while last night). When I woke up I found myself shoulding myself as usual and I found that I had a sick feeling as I started to search for the Korean sitcom I've been watching lately. In that moment, I decided to stop feeling guilty for something I was enjoying and I have had a superb evening. I haven't gotten anxious by not receiving a text message from Sinae and I have just enjoyed being alone in my apartment without the anxiety that I SHOULD go out and meet some people somehow. I am planning on going running like I did last night but because I WANT to not because I HAVE TO.

I read some encouraging stories tonight of people who became depressed because of situations they were in. One person was diagnosed with cancer, one person had a spouse who lost a limb, another person lost his job and still another person felt guilty for giving her brother information which he used to kill himself, his fourth suicide attempt that caused his death.

The biggest lesson I learned through all of this which was probably more of a reminder than a lesson is that my worth is independent of my productivity. So if I get a lot done on the research or if I only get a little bit done, that doesn't take away from my worth as a human being. This gives me a lot of freedom as far as meeting the professor I have a meeting with tomorrow to talk about this research with. I'm also hoping to be a lot more patient with him when I don't understand what he is saying or when it seems he doesn't understand what I am saying.

Another important lesson from this chapter is that their are events that cause us to feel genuine sadness but these are authentic external events that do not cause us to feel a loss of self-esteem, such as when a family member dies or when we experience another kind of loss. If these events cause us to have a loss of self-esteem and lead us into an extended period of sadness that debilitates us in some sense that may be a symptom of depression caused by a cognitive distortion.

Ironically, today is my friend Jake Hoover's birthday and it is also the day that my maternal grandmother passed away, three days after my casual friend Jerod Krohn passed away. As I think of those events on this day, I do feel a certain level of sadness but not a loss of self-esteem. I think especially of my grandma whom I had a lot of contention with but whom I know really cared about me and I feel her love today, especially as I remember her smile. And I also remember Jerod's smile as he and I were able to have comfortable conversation even though we seemed to be very different. He was very well-liked by most of the students at the university and seemed to have a lot of friends whereas I was busy working as many hours as possible so that I wouldn't have to face the person I saw in the mirror who couldn't make friends easily.

Obviously, there is some shame there. I did eventually stop working so many hours and at this time in 2003 I found it almost impossible to finish my homework for any class, particularly philosophy. I had been seeing a counselor at that time but for some reason we didn't address the issues of shame that I was feeling at that time.

Thou Shalt Not Should!

Here comes another post about how I shouldn't should. I've been in my apartment all day today with no interaction with the outside world until tonight when I decided to try exercising to see if I could rid myself of the horrible way I felt. This feeling is normal for me at the end of the day when I have been alone in my apartment. I'm not sure if it is a matter of missing Sinae or if I am shoulding myself about all the work that I didn't get done.

After a joyous conversation with Sinae, and no fighting in spite of my bad emotions, I decided to pursue this emotion further by reading the next chapter in "Feeling Good" which speaks to the issue of guilt. The aspects of this chapter that I heard over and over again are that we depressed folk tend to should ourselves into depression. Rather than sharing the methods Dr. Burns advises for working through these emotions, I thought it might be interesting to list the "shoulds" I have felt today with a possible exception in brackets.

1. I should have gotten up earlier [which means I should've gone to bed earlier].
2. I shouldn't have gotten up so late [even though I went to bed late and it IS my vacation].
3. I should have finished reading all the articles I borrowed for my meeting on Wednesday [even though I received them on Wednesday not knowing how long I would stay at Sinae's house].
4. I should do the dishes.
5. I should clean this apartment.
6. I should always be joyful, whether I am alone or I am with people.
7. I should pray for a long time.
8. I should exercise.
9. I shouldn't watch tv for two hours.
10. It shouldn't take me so long to eat dinner [even though it is difficult to eat dinner while watching tv when I have to read all of the subtitles of an hour-long drama that takes longer when I have to download it in 15-minute increments].
11. I should talk on the phone as long as Sinae wants to talk.
12. I should understand if my family seems to be uneasy about my relationship with someone from another country.
13. I should study Korean [even though it seems difficult to do all things in a day that I want to do].
14. I should do something for fun.
15. I should go to sleep [even though I'm not really tired after drinking coffee, exercising and having a delightful telephone conversation with Sinae].
16. I shouldn't feel guilty [even though this may be a natural feeling and just because I feel guilty doesn't mean that I am guilty].

As you can see, it is difficult for me to change some of these statements into "non-should" statements.

Here is an example of something that turned out differently than "should've" happened. As I wrote previously I was extremely nervous, or perhaps scared would be more accurate, about meeting Sinae's family. Since both of her parents were previously suspicious of our relationship working out, not to mention the fact that I don't speak Korean well, I'm a foreigner and I've never done a full bow properly before, I think I really believed that they shouldn't accept me.

If you are expecting me to report that Sinae's parents and family did NOT seem to accept me, I am sorry to disappoint you. Yes, that means that Sinae's family did seem to accept me, even her dad, which was a total surprise to me. By the time I arrived at her house I did my best to believe that things would turn out well. Somehow, Sinae's mom seemed to be as comfortable with me as she could've been in spite of my limited Korean ability and not being a Korean and her dad even expressed enjoying meeting me on the day I left. This was a big lesson for me in believing the impossible can be possible and that I might actually be a better person than I give myself credit for. I think I was happier as a result of this Lunar New Year experience with Sinae's family than I have been prior to that experience. That also gave me a chance to see Sinae in complete relaxed form and it proved to me how much Sinae really loves me. Even though I'm sure we could persevere if her family didn't approve of me it is a big blessing to me that they are receiving me and this is clearly a sign of Amazing Grace. How else is it possible for Sinae's parents to have changed their minds about me. As it turned out, Sinae was right all the millions of times she told me that if her parents get a chance to meet me and get to know me, they will like me.

The Power of Negative-Thinking

I thought I was doing really well with managing my thoughts on paper yesterday until I started boiling as Sinae and I started talking about the big event of me meeting her parents. As this event gets closer, I am getting more and more nervous. And I think it is because I have the idea that this is not going to go well, which is the cognitive distortion that David D. Burns calls, "Bad Fortune Teller". Then I am also shoulding myself into thinking that I have to be nervous about this event and that I can't just be happy about the joyous occasion of meeting Sinae's parents. Needless to say, for reasons I don't understand myself, that boiling resulted in me using a sharp tone with Sinae and we have been on rocky ground since. It seems like we might be coming around but it is still hard to say at this point.

Which makes a good segue into Dr. Burns' sixth chapter, which talks about more productive ways to manage disagreements. There is a lot in this chapter that speaks to the ways I erroneously respond when Sinae and I start arguing. Of course my struggles go back long before I met Sinae and I recall the way people on my father's side criticized me and how I felt like my self-esteem was always being tampered with. Dr. Burns does well in showing some practical ways of investigating the accusations by asking questions of time and location, when and where I did such and such, and also by finding something to agree with what the person says, even if the accusation is entirely false.

I hope I can put these things into practice, especially in my relationship with Sinae, so that I stop feeling like I am being attacked and so that I can start to really hear her out on ways that I can improve myself and also my relationship with her.

By the way, I am amazed by how Dr. Burns sets himself against many if not most psychotherapists, and Freud himself.

Write It Down

It's taken me a few days to make it through the fourth chapter of Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy partly because I've been trying to get more rest since I have had a serious cold the last week or so. But I finally got back into it, today. And the main thing he talks about in this chapter is the importance of writing down negative thoughts.

He presents a number of methods for evaluating such thoughts, framing them in a distortion (i.e. All or nothing) and suggesting an alternative positive response. I'm going to work on that right now regarding something negative that's been going through my head. I'll lead you know whether it helps me in my thought processes or not.

After reading this chapter, I feel more hopeful that I can overcome my negative thought processes, but that this is going to require work. Dr. Burns recommends taking 15 minutes to process such negative thoughts but I think my processing will require more time. We'll see.

"You just simply have to adjust the dials." David D. Burns, M.D.

Tonight I resume my discussion of David D. Burns book, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. This chapter includes some blunt statements about the ways in which we depressed folks alter reality in ways equivalent to world-renowned majicians. I'll start with a list of these ways.

1. All-or-Nothing Thinking: This is pretty self-explanatory. As an example, consider my apartment in the current state it is in. I've been thinking that I should clean it for some time but I don't want to do it until I can clean it perfectly. That means I have to take a whole day to clean it up to my expectations. Meanwhile, dishes are piling up in the sink, papers and books are piling on my desk and dust continues to gather on the floor, not to mention the bags of recyclable products that need to go outside.

2. Overgeneralization: This is the assumption that if something bad happens once, it will always work out that way. Another example of this from my personal life would be in regard to my efforts to communicate with people in Korean. Recently, during English Camp, people had a hard time understanding me when I tried to say, "영어 캠프는 거의 끝냈어요 (English Camp is almost finished)". If I am applying the distortion of overgeneralization, I would tend to think that NOBODY will be able to understand me when I say the Korean word for "finished" and I could carry it to the next level and say that nobody will EVER be able to understand what I say in Korean.

3. Mental Filter: This is where a person picks out a negative aspect of a particular situation and focuses only on that negative aspect. This distortion has probably made itself known best in my view of the world and all of its problems. For example, there was a time when I first came to South Korea when it seemed like there was nothing but bad news and I became very depressed as I felt overwhelmed about making any difference in the world, not considering the good things that people were doing in the word.

4. Disqualifying the Positive: Dr. Burns gives the example of somebody saying something nice and the receiver of the compliment thinking, "Oh, they're just being nice" (35). This happens to me when somebody tells me I'm a good teacher and I respond by saying or thinking, "If I'm such a good teacher then how come my students don't speak English better?" I suspect there is another distortion going on here as well.

5. Jumping to Conclusions: Dr. Burns divides this into two categories, (1) Mind-reading and (2) The Fortune Teller Error (37). The former is where one assumes that a person is acting in a certain way for a certain reason. Recently I e-mailed two professors about working at an NGO in Korea. Neither of them responded so I assumed they just didn't want to have any kind of correspondence with me, not considering the possibilities that they didn't receive the e-mail, they didn't understand the e-mail since it was written in Korean or that they simply forget to respond.

In the latter category, this is defined as predicting things will go a certain way. We call this self-fulfilled prophecy. I suppose I've seen this in my relationship with Sinae where I have a feeling that we're going to eventually get into a fight and then we eventually do. Or when I think to myself that she wouldn't love me if she really knew who I was and then I exaggerate mistakes I have made.

6. Magnification and Minimization: Dr. burns compares this to using binoculars but not using them in the appropriate way. It's like looking through the small lense and seeing our personal mistakes bigger than what they really are and seeing our good points as being smaller than what they really are. I see this in my relationships in a number of ways. When it comes to talking to someone and I make a small mistake (not speaking loud enough if I'm speaking in Korean or if I speak too loud when I am teaching and interrupt another class) and then when it comes to the good points why a person might want to have a conversation with me at all, those points are so small that I can't even see them.

7. Emotional Reasoning: This is where a person sees the way s/he feels and perceives her/himself as being that way in reality. I see this in myself when I feel guilt and automatically assume I am a bad person.

8. Should Statements: This is where a person tells oneself that s/he should, ought, must do something. If you know me at all, you know I fall suspect to this all the time. Here is a list of the ways I feel like I should: I should clean my apartment. I should study Korean. I should read Korean childrens' books. I should buy a new heater in my office so I can work there and stay warm. I should call my friends in America. I should prepare more for classes. I should do whatever it takes to help students improve their English. I should be careful in the ways I interact with women. I should apply for a TESOL or TEFL certification class. I should exercise. I should get up earlier. I should make more friends.

I like what Dr. Burns and (Dr?) Albert Ellis call this dysfunction: 'musturbation' and 'shouldy' (respectively, 39).

9. Labeling and Mislabeling: Dr. Burns calls this, "The measure of a man is the mistakes he makes" (ibid). Instead of a person just recognizing s/he made a mistake, s/he shames oneself for the mistake s/he made. This happened to me today when I had to put more credit on my bus card so I could use it to get to the place where I was taught English later this evening. I found that place okay thanks to my phone but when I tried to find a coffee shop to keep warm (the reason I left my office early in the first place, to keep warm) and I must have walked outside for an hour in freezing cold before I went back to the first place where I intended to drink coffee to begin with. After this whole episode, I was fully convinced that I was the greatest moron on the planet because I couldn't even find a coffee shop, even though I had the Smartphone, with which I should be able to do the impossible. That experience ruined my joyful afternoon and fortunately my joyous time at Henulim redeemed my contented spirit.

As I understand it, labeling has to do with identifying a person as being flawed because of a mistake s/he made (oneself or someone else) whereas mislabeling has more to do with events. I see this happening in my life when it comes to me needing to prepare for a lesson and instead of doing that I end up checking my e-mail a million times or watching umpteen Korean dramas and then I tell myself afterwards, "I'm such a bum" which causes me to continue in such lazy conduct.

10. Personalization: Dr. Burns calls this "the mother of all guilt" (40). This is where a person blames herself for everything that goes wrong. Just ask my fiancée about this and what drives her crazy the most. If there is any question about who's fault it is, it is natural for me to assume this guilt myself. Somehow, I think I learned to do this as a child. If I ever had a bad attitude, a negative emotion, or just wanted to end the tension with my brother, I would either apologize for feeling the way I did and doing action that provoked the other person or I would apologize for something I clearly knew was wrong. Perhaps this was never really clear to me and so I found it easier to embrace this ambiguity by always being the one to say, "I'm sorry."

I hope I have understood all of these categories correctly. Though this was a lengthy process to write all of this out, I think it was easier for me to think of scenarios from my own life in the present or recent past than I thought it would be. I am not offering quick solutions because I think I need to really process these things and wait for the next chapter to tell me what to do with these emotions. But of course I welcome all readers to leave a comment. But if you are one of the many (?) who simple prefers to remain anonymous, thank you for suffering through this blog and reading me out.

"Feeling Good" Chapter 2

The second chapter of David D. Burns' book, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy includes a depression self-test which I took. I was proud of myself for only scoring 39/100 but apparently that is worse than I thought, though not as bad as it could be. Dr. Burns breaks the score into six levels:

0-5: no depresson
6-10: normal but unhappy
11-25: mild depression
26-50: moderate depression
51-75: severe depression
76-100: extreme depression (p. 22)

He warns the reader to beware of the meaning of "moderate depression" and recommends seeking professional help within two weeks if this score doesn't change. I'm hoping that in my case, I answered worse than what I really am. My mood is certainly much better this week than it was last week, but I have included last week since I am supposed to answer the way I have felt over the last week. After a great date with Sinae and a lot more intentional effort in showing her my love without the expectation of something in return I am feeling much better and I think I am giving her more confidence as far as my love for her and this seems to be increasing the amount of trust she has in me.

As I look back on my past, it seems that I have struggled the most when I have had more stress. So it seems that my struggles with my relationship seem to come when I am feeling the most stressed, which suggests I'm not managing my stress very well. Even though I am reading a book written for people who feel depressed I am feeling more hopeful this week about myself than I have in previous weeks.

For those of you wondering, I have e-mailed Lewis B. Smedes "Grace Creed" to myself and am planning on printing it off tomorrow and then hanging it on my bathroom mirror.

Just feelings?

I started reading Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns. This is the second book I ordered in an attempt to deal with my struggles with a low self-esteem. I am learning through this book of the amazing breakthrough that came about with "Cognitive Therapy". This book serves as a means of "bibliotherapy" a fairly new method of psychotherapy, which is where a person reads a book as a form of counseling such as this book. Studies indicated that some people who only read this book and practiced its principles overcame depression quicker and the effects lasted longer than those who were taking antidepressants in conjunction with psychotherapy. In case you think I have my wires crossed, Dr. Burns refers to a study done on the effectiveness of reading self-help books such as this one and says, "They discovered that Feeling Good bibliotherapy may be as effective as a full course of psychotherapy or treatment with the best antidepressant drugs" (xxiii).

In the first chapter, Dr. Burns speaks of depression being so common that "it is considered the common cold of psychiatric disturbances" (9). But he does well in pointing out that the difference between depression and a common cold as that depression could lead a person to commit suicide. He suggests the following positive effects of this type of psychotherapy.

1. Rapid Symptomatic Improvement: This means that one's symptoms can be relieved in as soon as 12 weeks.
2. Understanding: This is in reference to the understanding of why people like me get into these downcast moods and whether such negative emotions are normal or problematic.
3. Self-Control: "I will guide you as you develop a practical, realistic, step-by-step self-help plan" (11).
4. Prevention and Personal Growth: The way this happens is through "a reassessment of some basic values and attitudes which lie at the core of your tendency toward painful depressions" (ibid).

The point of all of this is to say that according to David D. Burns, our feelings do not just come from nowhere but they come directly from our thought patterns. I have seen the positive results of this with my relationship with my fiancée. We had a problem yesterday and after enjoying the church service we participated in and starting to understand her as a result of reading a book about women which helped me to understand her more, she couldn't continue to be mad at me and I have continued down that path as much as possible today.

I am a little bit worried about reading this book, though. For some reason, as I read Shame & Grace: Healing the Shame We Don't Deserve during the last two weeks, I felt more shame or perhaps I was just made aware of the shame and I responded to Sinae more sharply than I had in the past. But I think I want to see if this book can help me overcome my struggles of a lack of self-confidence.

"For Men Only" by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn

I started and finished "For Men Only" by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn, a gift from my brother and his family, today. This was an easy read which I mostly finished on the subway from Cheonan to Seoul back to Cheonan. This book seems to have been my salvation as far as my relationship with Sinae is concerned. It seems that a lot of the areas were I misunderstood her were about the differences between women and men rather than about the differences between Koreans and Americans, though that may be true as well.

I learned in this book that there are things I do to create mistrust in Sinae's mind by not affirming my love for her beyond "I love you" which probably sometimes comes across as something I have to say out of duty than out of genuine articulation of the way I feel about her.

The book starts by explaining that we men need a roadmap to understanding women and that just having a book of laws and procedures isn't enough.

In the second chapter, the writers talk about how women and men view marriage differently, with women viewing it in terms of relationship, requiring constant re-affirmation while men tend to think of marriage in terms of a contract.

The third chapter talks about the ways that women and men differ in terms of accomplishing various tasks, in which the writers compare women to a computer whose windows are always open. Along with this comes the idea that women are always recording conversations and that they can't simply dismiss something their man may have said a year ago because it is on record.

The fourth chapter is very intriguing because it talks about the ways in which men can give security to their wives and how if women have to choose, they'd rather have their husband's emotional security (being around the house more often) than to have their husband's financial security if it meant that their man couldn't spend time with the family because he was working so much.

The fifth chapter gives some key points about listening, not just with one's ears, but really engaging in the conversation and recognizing the a woman's emotions are not the barrier but the real issue.

The sixth chapter is pretty thorough in its discussion of sex and how women think of it differently than men do. There is some useful information here about how a woman isn't necessarily rejecting her husband if she says no and how men can experience more satisfaction in this area by catering to their wife in other areas like hugging their wife for her sake and not just to get her into bed.

The seventh chapter is quite revealing in terms of the importance of affirming our significant other beyond the rote memory line, "You are beautiful". This chapter tells men that there is a little girl inside every woman who is constantly feeling insecure about her appearance and how she needs her husband or significant other to constantly re-affirm her.

Finally, the last chapter reminds men that our significant other sees us as her hero.

The areas where I see this being the most practical are in the areas where I can affirm my significant other not just in terms of the way she perceives of herself and how I perceive of her in terms of being beautiful, but also in continuing to prove to her that I really love her. Another way was in the concept of open windows. I had a hard time understanding why my fiancee would continually bring up things we talked about a year ago. I also learned through all of this that when Sinae brings up an issue that she is not trying to shame me, something I struggle with alone, but that she is trying to start a conversation about those things and that I ought not be alarmed when Sinae uses a stronger tone.

I hope this book will have a lasting impact on me in the long run and that I won't forget the lessons founds herein and that I will continue my lessons about relationships by reading more and more books. I'm not sure if it was the book or something else, but Sinae thought I was acting really strange today. This seemed to be a good thing as evidenced by my sense of confidence regarding our relationship. Of course it also helped that we went to a Korean church that had an English translation and also has an English ministry. It just so happens that we are both comfortable in that church and we are hoping to live in that area of Seoul after we get married.

Making More Room For Grace

I finished, "Shame & Grace: Healing the Shame We Don't Deserve" by Lewis Smedes. Since I haven't been writing about the book chapter by chapter I'll just try to highlight what I've learned about Grace with some of the highlights, including checklists that he gives, and of course, including application to my own struggles.

Lewis Smedes dedicates two sections to this massive subject of Grace, starting with the beginning stages of "beginning our healing." He critiques the "conventional responses" that are typically proffered to people like me who struggle with the way we think about ourselves (p. 105):

1. Lowering our ideals to the level of our abilities to meet them.
2. Making ourselves acceptable enough to satisfy the ideals we already have.
3. Persuading ourselves that we are just fine the way we are.

He critiques these statements because in his view they "don't go deep enough". The reason for this is that these statements tend to cause us to run away from our ideals or settle for something less than what we could be like some sort of self-denial. There is more which I will leave to you, the reader to find, in the book.

One of the most important points in this book is that "the experience of being accepted is the beginning of healing for the feeling of being unacceptable" (p. 107).
Herein lies one of the revelations to my tendency to think that people will abandon me if I make one mistake or do one thing wrong. I see a whole lot of this in my life from my relationship with Sinae to colleagues that I work with where there is an expectation that if people have any sense at all, they will leave me alone and not want to have anything to do with me. That seems to be the reality I have grown up in, somehow.

The next chapter is called, "With Our Shadows." Here is where Smedes reminds the reader that not all shame is bad shame and continues to underscore the motif of acceptance, talking about how God "accepts us totally as the spiritual stew we are" (p. 117). Furthermore, Grace takes care of the thing shame fears the most: rejection.

And he closes with two lessons:
1. A person will never come to the point of no longer needing grace.
2. A person will never become so poor in spirit that there is no place at the table called Grace (p. 118).

The next chapter is, "Singing 'Amazing Grace' Without Feeling Like a Wretch". Smedes points out that grace can come graciously or ungraciously. When it arrives in the former it heals and when it arrives in the latter it shames (p. 119). Perhaps the most important lesson Smedes teaches us is the difference between deserving something (merit) and worthiness (being) where he seems to parallel this difference with Shame and Grace. If we think that we deserve grace, then there is reason to think we have done something to deserve it which means that we could also do something not to deserve grace. But if we are worthy of grace that means that at the core of our being lies something valuable enough that Grace can redeem us. Smedes offers the story of The Prodigal Son as an application of this lesson where the lost son doesn't "deserve" to be called the father's son but he is worthy of being called the father's son because in fact the boy is the father's son. The interesting thing about Smedes' interpretation is that he refers to the son's worldly action as his false self and the worthiness to be the father's son as his true self.

As far as the chapter title is concerned, puts it well when he says, "I feel a worth inside of me that tells me I am a better person than the wretch whom only grace could save" (p. 123).

The sixteenth chapter is called, "Places to Find Traces of Grace". Smedes points out here that there is a difference between friendly people and genuine friends. This reminded me of my life in Korea where I know a lot of people I could have lunch with but I am not sure how many of those people I could actually tell my darkest secrets to without them running away. Smedes gives me good advice when he says, "If you wonder where God's grace can be found, find yourself a critical friend" (p. 126). This is no news to me, though I have underlined "...find yourself a critical friend."

This chapter helped me to see past all of the shameful moments in my childhood, to look to the good times in my childhood, in spite of all the painful memories. The person who came to mind the most was my mom who exemplifies the epitome of unconditional love who has been the constant in the face of a lot of changing circumstances.

The seventeenth chapter is called, "Coming to Terms with Our Shamers." Smedes gives some sound advice on working through this process of ridding ourselves of shame, which he makes clear is not a matter to take place overnight. He even speaks to the dilemma of forgiving and forgetting where he warns against the latter. "If we think we have forgotten, we have probably only stuffed the memory beneath our consciousness to fester there as the poisonous source of assorted other pains" (p. 136).

Prior to his checklist, he reminds me that (1) Forgiving is difficult, (2) The first and often only person healed by forgiveness is me, the one doing the forgiving and (3) I need to understand what I do when I really forgive someone (p. 136).

Here's the list:

1. Blame the shamer.
2. Surrender my right to get even.
3. Revise my caricature of the person who shamed me: "...as we move with the forgiving flow, we gradually change our monster back into the weak and faulty human being he is (or was), not all that different from ourselves" (ibid.).
4. Revise my feelings.
5. Accept the person who made me feel unacceptable.

That was the list for forgiveness as a personal drama. Now here is some advice Smedes gives to people like me, which may be applicable to others reading this blog.

1. Try understanding first.
2. Separate what I can put up with from what I need to forgive.
3. Don't be hasty.
4. Don't wait too long.
5. Be concrete: Forgive people for what they do, not for who they are.
6. Don't wait for my shamer to repent: "...in the worst of ironies, we give the person who shamed us the power to prevent us from healing the very shame he caused" (p. 139).
7. Do not forgive out of a sense of duty.
8. Begin by pretending if you need to.
9. Settle for silent forgiving if I must.

On the last one, I think of one of my relatives, whom I've been out of touch with by his choice and I have been contemplating contacting him again. But I think that Smedes' advice is good to me to wait for a more opportune moment to talk to him about our broken relationship and now doesn't seem to be that time.

Smedes once again closes with a profound thought that is stating the obvious that isn't so obvious to me: "When we genuinely forgive, we set a prisoner free and then discover that the prisoner we set free was us" (141).

The next chapter is called, "Accepting Ourselves." To underscore the importance of this, Smedes says that, "To experience acceptance is the beginning of our healing; to accept ourselves is a signal that we are getting healthy" (144).

Here again, it will probably suffice to list what Smedes suggests about accepting ourselves with a recommendation to the reader of this blog to follow up by reading the book or commenting on this blog.

1. First we need to see that accepting ourselves is not the same as forgiving ourselves: The difference between these is the same as that of guilt and shame, the former being for things we do and the latter for recognizing who we are.

2. We own our raw material: Here again, this is worth commenting on because I tend to complain to myself and the rest of the world that my family and I are not perfect and Smedes gently reminds me to accept my life and my circumstances for what they are and to move on with my life.

3. We acknowledge our depths: Smedes talks here about how Grace can be a means for mean to own up to my "own darksome" (p. 147). Examples he gives of such darkness are, "...a desire to strangle your father, a dark wish that one's mother-in-law would die, an urge to knock the boss's block off, a yen for forbidden sexual adventure, a longing to run away from the people we feel responsible for, or a yearning to die" (pp. 147-8). The important thing here is for me to be honest with myself about my true feelings.

4. We own our pride. Smedes point here is that there is a sense in which a shame-prone person, or any person for that matter, can feel a healthy sense of pride which is very different from the pride that the Bible speaks of leading a person to sin.

Smedes makes his objective clear in this chapter when he says, "...only that as we gain the freedom to accept ourselves, we can be reasonably sure that we are healed of shame" (p. 151).

The second to last chapter in this book is called, "Living life lightly." The point of this chapter is clear, that with a loss of shame one can live a lighter life. This is applicable to me in that if I can have a greater sense of my own acceptability that I can be more generous in the ways I think about other people without judging them so quickly through the shame-driven lens that I judge myself by.
Smedes divides this chapter into three sections, talking about "Living lightly with our unhealthy shame", "living lightly with our healthy shame", "living lightly with our true selves", "living lightly with our imperfection", and "living lightly with our critics". A good principle to follow is found in Smedes example of when he made a decision to change his job so that he could address his writing projects to people outside of academia and his colleagues thought he was making a mistake. "What you think of what I am doing matters some to me. But not much. I will not be shamed by your criticism" (p. 157).

The logical conclusion of the previous chapter is "The return of joy", the name of the final chapter of Smedes' book. According to Smedes, "...the feeling called joy is the ultimate alternative to the feeling of shame" (p. 159). Smedes gives six myths about joy that seem appropriate to repeat here for the reader's enjoyment and to remind me of the difference between myth and fact.

1. Myth: If you want joy, you have to earn it.
Fact: If you have to earn joy, you will never get it.

2. Myth: When the chips are down, we get what we pay for.
Fact: When the chips are down, we get what we cannot pay for.

3. Myth: For joy to come, something unusual needs to happen.
Fact: The most unusual things happen in the usual things that usually happen.

4. Myth: Virtue is its own reward.
Fact: Only joy is its own reward.

5. Myth: If something is wrong, it is my job to fix it.
Fact: Only God has the whole world in his hands.

6. Myth: We feel joy when our world is working right.
Fact: Our world never works right.

In the "Postscript: A Faith for the Lighter Life" Smedes offers a creed for people like me who are shame-bound.

I believe that the only self I need to measure up to is the self my Maker meant me to be.

I believe that I am accepted by the grace of God without regard to my deserving.

I believe that I am accepted along with my shadows and the mix of good and bad I breed in them.

I believe that I am worthy to be accepted.

I believe that grace has set me free to accept myself totally, and without conditions, though I do not approve of everything I accept.

I believe that nothing I deserve to be ashamed of will ever make me unacceptable to God.

I believe that I can forgive anyone who has ever infected me with shame I do not deserve.

I believe that I may forgive myself for anything that I have ever done to shame myself or another person.

I am gratefully proud of being who I am and what I shall be.

I believe that the grace of God heals the shame I do not deserve and heals the shame I do.

I believe that grace is the best thing in the world (pp. 167-8).

I'm not there yet, but I think if I post these on my bathroom mirror they will be a reminder to me of the mission I out to receive, a call to rid myself of the shame that keeps me from being what God created me to be.

Ashamed of Being Ashamed

It seems that after spending a few chapters facing the reality of my own shame I have met a turning point in Shame & Grace and that I am being challenged to do something about my shame instead of allowing whatever or whomever has caused this shame to exist. This is starting to make even more sense, that I am ashamed of the fact that I feel as much shame as I feel. The first sentence that ultimate holds me accountable is where Lewis Smedes says, "But we are, I believe, responsible for what we do with what other people did to us" (p. 83). Furthermore, he points out that "we suffer" as we do "because we deceive ourselves." It is because of the "plausible reasons" as wrong as they may be that we continue to feed ourselves this lie that we ought to be ashamed of ourselves. Dr. Smedes tells two stories that I think our telling of the devastation of the shame and how it hurts not only ourselves but those we are the closest to.

The first is about a minister who proudly preaches Total Depravity and applies it equally to himself. But when his wife tells him something very minor, such as, "You forgot to take out the trash" he flies off the handle and assumes that she is accusing him of failing as a husband when she is merely reminding him to do something he forgot. As one who is totally depraved, as he believes, does this type of response to rational?

The second story is of a university student who does well his first semester and then he nearly failed the next four semesters, after which he transferred to another university and continued down this path, transferring again and again to other universities. Why does he do this? His parents convinced him that they would approve of him only if he succeeded. But "the trap they set for him was: you are not worthy to succeed" (p. 88).

I wasn't ever a great student but I remember when I was struggling at the first college I went to after Bible School and the J-Term (January Term) class that I wound up getting a D in. It was during that time that I really got hooked on chatting and wound up spending more time chatting than I did reading the books required for that course. I also toyed with the idea of transferring to another university which I did the following year for much better reasons than, "I just can't find friends here."

Today I received e-mail from a student I worked with while I was in St. Louis. "Worked with" means I picked her up at her house and brought her to church. We had deeper conversations than I could have with anybody else in the youth group (even though I was an adult and she was in Middle School or Junior High). I received e-mail from her saying she is an Atheist now. I don't usually respond the way I did in my thinking about someone being an Atheist but when I read that I suddenly felt like I was to blame for her loss of faith. After all, I left at a time when she really needed someone who would encourage her as the dark forces of the inner city were fighting for her soul, so to speak.

This whole context reminds me of all the times I have moved around since I graduated from high school. Some of it was legitimate, like going from Wyoming to Boston, and partially legitimate in going from Boston to Idaho. And I'm sure good has come out of all of the moves after that but I wonder if I am the man who left after "first semester," after the excitement had warn off and my proneness to failure seemed more imminent, that I moved to another place.

When I first came to Korea, I felt like a movie star because I thought everybody wanted to be my friend. Later I found out that some of those people wanted to be my friends and some of them mostly just wanted to learn English. I also found it exciting to have lunch with students and to spend as much time with students as possible during English Camp. I felt more accepted during that time. Then when English Camp was over I felt depressed because I was no longer Mr. Popular.

I see this as I think about my vision to help "the poor" and I wonder how much of it is for the sake of the marginalized and how much of it is for my sake. I think Lewis Smedes addresses this in another chapter that I previously read.

So I guess that means I won't be making any sudden moves to any other countries, including America or Vietnam. I hope that someday I can live in another place but I don't want to do it for my own sake. I think I'll just start where I am, grieve whatever losses, real or imagined, may have occurred, and start where I am, being grateful for the people in my life now, especially the woman who accepts me for who I am, every quality, wart, wrinkle and flaw.

Cast Your Burdens Onto Jesus For His People Bring Shame Upon You?

I'm continuing to reflect upon Dr. Lewis Smedes' book, Shame & Grace: Healing The Shame We Don't Deserve. Last night I read, "How the Church Fed My Shame" and I was amazed how much this chapter brought to mind those areas of my church experience where I could see shame being fostered. I'll start with what he says and try to mesh in my memories and struggles along with that.

The first thing that is underlined in this chapter says that, "The church is meant to be a place where we get the courage to feel some healthy shame and the grace to be healed of it. But sometimes people come to church carrying a load of unhealthy shame and their burden gets heavier for having come. Their unhealthy shame blocks their spiritual arteries and keeps grace from getting through...The sweet hour of prayer becomes an hour of shame" (p. 77).

Just reading this simple but long quote, mixed into more than one paragraph, bring some interesting memories to mind. Perhaps the clearest one are all the youth group sessions on sex and pornography. I look back on those many Wednesday nights and remember how shamed I felt as we talked about these subjects and I wonder if we ever talked about the source of the struggles that go beyond the topics of social issues that we discussed every week. At best, we may have talked about our thought life, but I'm guessing that was just a simple "we can't control our thoughts", something ironic for a tradition known for proclaiming the idea that we can have victory over willful sin.

I also remember praying before receiving the elements in a familiar, low-church format, and feeling the shame of all the things I perceived to have done wrong. Then there were the weekly rituals of responding to the sermon every Sunday by going to the altar. There seemed to be some type of "religious experience" that occurred just by going to the altar and if I didn't go to the altar I felt guilty (or perhaps shame) for not going up to the altar that Sunday.

Lewis Smedes states that he hopes his church experience was worse than other readers but for some reason I felt pain in this area as I seem to have felt and continue to feel pain in practically every area of my life. This is surprising because I really enjoyed going to church as a child. But perhaps this was the one place where I could go and feel a sense of community.

In some places, I imagine that Dr. Smedes is describing the Reformed tradition, like where he says, "I know now what the strategy was: the bad news was meant to get me to feel so hopelessly flawed that I would be that much more grateful for the grace of God when it got to me. But, in fact, my spiritual malaise linked up with my chronic feeling of shame for being human, and the two of them brought forth in me a mess of homogenized shame, healthy and unhealthy, all mixed together." And at other places I hear the baggage of the Holiness tradition, where the Bible commands Christians to be perfect as Jesus is perfect, and of course, God the Father.

I recall times when I left my Associate Pastor's house after spending an evening with her and her family or perhaps there was some type of a youth group gathering. I recall many times when I felt so filthy and I couldn't understand why this family was so interested in having me around. I can certainly relate to Dr. Smedes when he says, "But guilt was not my problem as I felt it. What I felt most was a glob of unworthiness that I could not tie down to any concrete sins I was guilty of. What I needed more than pardon was a sense that God accepted me, owned me, held me, affirmed me, and would never let go of me even if he was not too much impressed with what he had on his hands" (p. 80). Here is where I could easily be convinced of the necessity of Eternal Security on psychological grounds though I think this doctrine has devastating consequences for some and leaves much to be desired on philosophical grounds.

There is an irony which Dr. Smedes articulated very well. "...it was my bounden duty to be overflowing with gratitude for them both [Grace and shame?]...My problem lay in my feelings: I found it hard to feel grateful for a gift when I was constantly reminded of how unworthy I was to get it."

For Dr. Smedes, as well as for me, there was a shame both for the things we did that were bad, some of which were not necessarily willful, and others that were because we were "good".

Then Dr. Smedes makes a switch and proclaims the truth that what comes with such amazing grace is the recognition that there is a distinction between not deserving something and still being worthy of it (p. 81).

I'm still not there yet and I'm having a hard time saying that I don't deserve something but that I am still worthy of it. The chief of these is my relationship with Sinae. Lest I be misunderstood, I am extremely grateful for this relationship but I find myself constantly wondering why I should have this blissful opportunity and whether it is fair for Sinae to be in a relationship with me.