Cast Your Burdens Onto Jesus For His People Bring Shame Upon You?

I'm continuing to reflect upon Dr. Lewis Smedes' book, Shame & Grace: Healing The Shame We Don't Deserve. Last night I read, "How the Church Fed My Shame" and I was amazed how much this chapter brought to mind those areas of my church experience where I could see shame being fostered. I'll start with what he says and try to mesh in my memories and struggles along with that.

The first thing that is underlined in this chapter says that, "The church is meant to be a place where we get the courage to feel some healthy shame and the grace to be healed of it. But sometimes people come to church carrying a load of unhealthy shame and their burden gets heavier for having come. Their unhealthy shame blocks their spiritual arteries and keeps grace from getting through...The sweet hour of prayer becomes an hour of shame" (p. 77).

Just reading this simple but long quote, mixed into more than one paragraph, bring some interesting memories to mind. Perhaps the clearest one are all the youth group sessions on sex and pornography. I look back on those many Wednesday nights and remember how shamed I felt as we talked about these subjects and I wonder if we ever talked about the source of the struggles that go beyond the topics of social issues that we discussed every week. At best, we may have talked about our thought life, but I'm guessing that was just a simple "we can't control our thoughts", something ironic for a tradition known for proclaiming the idea that we can have victory over willful sin.

I also remember praying before receiving the elements in a familiar, low-church format, and feeling the shame of all the things I perceived to have done wrong. Then there were the weekly rituals of responding to the sermon every Sunday by going to the altar. There seemed to be some type of "religious experience" that occurred just by going to the altar and if I didn't go to the altar I felt guilty (or perhaps shame) for not going up to the altar that Sunday.

Lewis Smedes states that he hopes his church experience was worse than other readers but for some reason I felt pain in this area as I seem to have felt and continue to feel pain in practically every area of my life. This is surprising because I really enjoyed going to church as a child. But perhaps this was the one place where I could go and feel a sense of community.

In some places, I imagine that Dr. Smedes is describing the Reformed tradition, like where he says, "I know now what the strategy was: the bad news was meant to get me to feel so hopelessly flawed that I would be that much more grateful for the grace of God when it got to me. But, in fact, my spiritual malaise linked up with my chronic feeling of shame for being human, and the two of them brought forth in me a mess of homogenized shame, healthy and unhealthy, all mixed together." And at other places I hear the baggage of the Holiness tradition, where the Bible commands Christians to be perfect as Jesus is perfect, and of course, God the Father.

I recall times when I left my Associate Pastor's house after spending an evening with her and her family or perhaps there was some type of a youth group gathering. I recall many times when I felt so filthy and I couldn't understand why this family was so interested in having me around. I can certainly relate to Dr. Smedes when he says, "But guilt was not my problem as I felt it. What I felt most was a glob of unworthiness that I could not tie down to any concrete sins I was guilty of. What I needed more than pardon was a sense that God accepted me, owned me, held me, affirmed me, and would never let go of me even if he was not too much impressed with what he had on his hands" (p. 80). Here is where I could easily be convinced of the necessity of Eternal Security on psychological grounds though I think this doctrine has devastating consequences for some and leaves much to be desired on philosophical grounds.

There is an irony which Dr. Smedes articulated very well. "...it was my bounden duty to be overflowing with gratitude for them both [Grace and shame?]...My problem lay in my feelings: I found it hard to feel grateful for a gift when I was constantly reminded of how unworthy I was to get it."

For Dr. Smedes, as well as for me, there was a shame both for the things we did that were bad, some of which were not necessarily willful, and others that were because we were "good".

Then Dr. Smedes makes a switch and proclaims the truth that what comes with such amazing grace is the recognition that there is a distinction between not deserving something and still being worthy of it (p. 81).

I'm still not there yet and I'm having a hard time saying that I don't deserve something but that I am still worthy of it. The chief of these is my relationship with Sinae. Lest I be misunderstood, I am extremely grateful for this relationship but I find myself constantly wondering why I should have this blissful opportunity and whether it is fair for Sinae to be in a relationship with me.