The Difference Between Sadness and Depression

I just took the BDC (Burns Depression Checklist) and I scored a 21, which he classifies as mild depression. That might sound bad but it is a huge improved compared to my two previous tests which I scored in the moderate depression category. That means I am making progress. I feel like I've had major victory this evening. My upper left side was hurting earlier today so I started to worry that I might have to have gall bladder surgery or that I might have to have kidney stones removed. I decided to take a nap to see if a little rest my help. I found myself waking up and feeling pain on my sides (which may be the result of exercising for the first time in quite a while last night). When I woke up I found myself shoulding myself as usual and I found that I had a sick feeling as I started to search for the Korean sitcom I've been watching lately. In that moment, I decided to stop feeling guilty for something I was enjoying and I have had a superb evening. I haven't gotten anxious by not receiving a text message from Sinae and I have just enjoyed being alone in my apartment without the anxiety that I SHOULD go out and meet some people somehow. I am planning on going running like I did last night but because I WANT to not because I HAVE TO.

I read some encouraging stories tonight of people who became depressed because of situations they were in. One person was diagnosed with cancer, one person had a spouse who lost a limb, another person lost his job and still another person felt guilty for giving her brother information which he used to kill himself, his fourth suicide attempt that caused his death.

The biggest lesson I learned through all of this which was probably more of a reminder than a lesson is that my worth is independent of my productivity. So if I get a lot done on the research or if I only get a little bit done, that doesn't take away from my worth as a human being. This gives me a lot of freedom as far as meeting the professor I have a meeting with tomorrow to talk about this research with. I'm also hoping to be a lot more patient with him when I don't understand what he is saying or when it seems he doesn't understand what I am saying.

Another important lesson from this chapter is that their are events that cause us to feel genuine sadness but these are authentic external events that do not cause us to feel a loss of self-esteem, such as when a family member dies or when we experience another kind of loss. If these events cause us to have a loss of self-esteem and lead us into an extended period of sadness that debilitates us in some sense that may be a symptom of depression caused by a cognitive distortion.

Ironically, today is my friend Jake Hoover's birthday and it is also the day that my maternal grandmother passed away, three days after my casual friend Jerod Krohn passed away. As I think of those events on this day, I do feel a certain level of sadness but not a loss of self-esteem. I think especially of my grandma whom I had a lot of contention with but whom I know really cared about me and I feel her love today, especially as I remember her smile. And I also remember Jerod's smile as he and I were able to have comfortable conversation even though we seemed to be very different. He was very well-liked by most of the students at the university and seemed to have a lot of friends whereas I was busy working as many hours as possible so that I wouldn't have to face the person I saw in the mirror who couldn't make friends easily.

Obviously, there is some shame there. I did eventually stop working so many hours and at this time in 2003 I found it almost impossible to finish my homework for any class, particularly philosophy. I had been seeing a counselor at that time but for some reason we didn't address the issues of shame that I was feeling at that time.