I Don't Want to be Perfect

I just finished reading, "Dare to Be Average!-Ways to Overcome Perfectionism", the 14th chapter in his book, "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy". Before I finished reading this chapter, I had a little squabble with Sinae, the cause of which was probably related to the same subject as this chapter.

I've been thinking about the counseling session we had yesterday and the things the counselor told us. I blindly followed everything he told us then and have been thinking about it today. The main things I remember are him telling Sinae to speak very easy Korean since I said that Korean would be our language of choice. I mistakenly assumed that Sinae was trying to speak even easier Korean after that and wound up criticizing her for speaking easy Korean to me. Of course, this aggravated her because here she was trying to speak simple Korean and I was still criticizing her.

The second thing he said was that we always have shame and that we can never get rid of it. We just have to know how to deal with it. As soon as I heard that, I start analyzing whether this was a Calvinistic ideal or simply a realistic approach. Either way, I didn't like that notion because it gave me a sense of defeat that I could never overcome my shame.

I'll let those thoughts hang for a while and see what you think. I've been struggling more with the concept of Sinae loving me and me loving her this week more than I did last week. I feel bad about our date yesterday because I didn't sleep very well and then I was tired after our counseling session. Since we weren't able to have a lot of deep conversation because of how tired I felt, I was a little sad when I got home. This was no problem to Sinae, of course. But I felt shame for not always being able to have deep conversation. I was so tired that I could hardly have conversation at all.

Back to Dr. Burns, he says some things about how glorious life can be when we are not trying to be perfect and the things we could miss out on if we were perfect. I think this gives me a better glimpse of what it means to love someone and perhaps this is why Sinae loves me, too. Read that last sentence correctly. I couldn't possibly doubt Sinae's love for me. I just find myself wondering why she loves me, sometimes.

"In fact, just think what it would be like if you were perfect. There'd be nothing to learn, no way to improve, and life would be completely void of challenge and the satisfaction that comes from mastering something that takes effort. It would be like going to kindergarten for the rest of your life. You'd know all the answers and win every game. Every project would be a guaranteed success because you would do everything correctly. People's conversations would offer you nothing because you'd already know it all. And most important, nobody could love or relate to you. It would be impossible to feel any love for someone who was flawless and knew it all. Doesn't that sound lonely, boring, and miserable? Are you sure you still want perfection?"