"For Men Only" by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn

I started and finished "For Men Only" by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn, a gift from my brother and his family, today. This was an easy read which I mostly finished on the subway from Cheonan to Seoul back to Cheonan. This book seems to have been my salvation as far as my relationship with Sinae is concerned. It seems that a lot of the areas were I misunderstood her were about the differences between women and men rather than about the differences between Koreans and Americans, though that may be true as well.

I learned in this book that there are things I do to create mistrust in Sinae's mind by not affirming my love for her beyond "I love you" which probably sometimes comes across as something I have to say out of duty than out of genuine articulation of the way I feel about her.

The book starts by explaining that we men need a roadmap to understanding women and that just having a book of laws and procedures isn't enough.

In the second chapter, the writers talk about how women and men view marriage differently, with women viewing it in terms of relationship, requiring constant re-affirmation while men tend to think of marriage in terms of a contract.

The third chapter talks about the ways that women and men differ in terms of accomplishing various tasks, in which the writers compare women to a computer whose windows are always open. Along with this comes the idea that women are always recording conversations and that they can't simply dismiss something their man may have said a year ago because it is on record.

The fourth chapter is very intriguing because it talks about the ways in which men can give security to their wives and how if women have to choose, they'd rather have their husband's emotional security (being around the house more often) than to have their husband's financial security if it meant that their man couldn't spend time with the family because he was working so much.

The fifth chapter gives some key points about listening, not just with one's ears, but really engaging in the conversation and recognizing the a woman's emotions are not the barrier but the real issue.

The sixth chapter is pretty thorough in its discussion of sex and how women think of it differently than men do. There is some useful information here about how a woman isn't necessarily rejecting her husband if she says no and how men can experience more satisfaction in this area by catering to their wife in other areas like hugging their wife for her sake and not just to get her into bed.

The seventh chapter is quite revealing in terms of the importance of affirming our significant other beyond the rote memory line, "You are beautiful". This chapter tells men that there is a little girl inside every woman who is constantly feeling insecure about her appearance and how she needs her husband or significant other to constantly re-affirm her.

Finally, the last chapter reminds men that our significant other sees us as her hero.

The areas where I see this being the most practical are in the areas where I can affirm my significant other not just in terms of the way she perceives of herself and how I perceive of her in terms of being beautiful, but also in continuing to prove to her that I really love her. Another way was in the concept of open windows. I had a hard time understanding why my fiancee would continually bring up things we talked about a year ago. I also learned through all of this that when Sinae brings up an issue that she is not trying to shame me, something I struggle with alone, but that she is trying to start a conversation about those things and that I ought not be alarmed when Sinae uses a stronger tone.

I hope this book will have a lasting impact on me in the long run and that I won't forget the lessons founds herein and that I will continue my lessons about relationships by reading more and more books. I'm not sure if it was the book or something else, but Sinae thought I was acting really strange today. This seemed to be a good thing as evidenced by my sense of confidence regarding our relationship. Of course it also helped that we went to a Korean church that had an English translation and also has an English ministry. It just so happens that we are both comfortable in that church and we are hoping to live in that area of Seoul after we get married.