Thou Shalt Not Should!

Here comes another post about how I shouldn't should. I've been in my apartment all day today with no interaction with the outside world until tonight when I decided to try exercising to see if I could rid myself of the horrible way I felt. This feeling is normal for me at the end of the day when I have been alone in my apartment. I'm not sure if it is a matter of missing Sinae or if I am shoulding myself about all the work that I didn't get done.

After a joyous conversation with Sinae, and no fighting in spite of my bad emotions, I decided to pursue this emotion further by reading the next chapter in "Feeling Good" which speaks to the issue of guilt. The aspects of this chapter that I heard over and over again are that we depressed folk tend to should ourselves into depression. Rather than sharing the methods Dr. Burns advises for working through these emotions, I thought it might be interesting to list the "shoulds" I have felt today with a possible exception in brackets.

1. I should have gotten up earlier [which means I should've gone to bed earlier].
2. I shouldn't have gotten up so late [even though I went to bed late and it IS my vacation].
3. I should have finished reading all the articles I borrowed for my meeting on Wednesday [even though I received them on Wednesday not knowing how long I would stay at Sinae's house].
4. I should do the dishes.
5. I should clean this apartment.
6. I should always be joyful, whether I am alone or I am with people.
7. I should pray for a long time.
8. I should exercise.
9. I shouldn't watch tv for two hours.
10. It shouldn't take me so long to eat dinner [even though it is difficult to eat dinner while watching tv when I have to read all of the subtitles of an hour-long drama that takes longer when I have to download it in 15-minute increments].
11. I should talk on the phone as long as Sinae wants to talk.
12. I should understand if my family seems to be uneasy about my relationship with someone from another country.
13. I should study Korean [even though it seems difficult to do all things in a day that I want to do].
14. I should do something for fun.
15. I should go to sleep [even though I'm not really tired after drinking coffee, exercising and having a delightful telephone conversation with Sinae].
16. I shouldn't feel guilty [even though this may be a natural feeling and just because I feel guilty doesn't mean that I am guilty].

As you can see, it is difficult for me to change some of these statements into "non-should" statements.

Here is an example of something that turned out differently than "should've" happened. As I wrote previously I was extremely nervous, or perhaps scared would be more accurate, about meeting Sinae's family. Since both of her parents were previously suspicious of our relationship working out, not to mention the fact that I don't speak Korean well, I'm a foreigner and I've never done a full bow properly before, I think I really believed that they shouldn't accept me.

If you are expecting me to report that Sinae's parents and family did NOT seem to accept me, I am sorry to disappoint you. Yes, that means that Sinae's family did seem to accept me, even her dad, which was a total surprise to me. By the time I arrived at her house I did my best to believe that things would turn out well. Somehow, Sinae's mom seemed to be as comfortable with me as she could've been in spite of my limited Korean ability and not being a Korean and her dad even expressed enjoying meeting me on the day I left. This was a big lesson for me in believing the impossible can be possible and that I might actually be a better person than I give myself credit for. I think I was happier as a result of this Lunar New Year experience with Sinae's family than I have been prior to that experience. That also gave me a chance to see Sinae in complete relaxed form and it proved to me how much Sinae really loves me. Even though I'm sure we could persevere if her family didn't approve of me it is a big blessing to me that they are receiving me and this is clearly a sign of Amazing Grace. How else is it possible for Sinae's parents to have changed their minds about me. As it turned out, Sinae was right all the millions of times she told me that if her parents get a chance to meet me and get to know me, they will like me.