Ashamed of Being Ashamed

It seems that after spending a few chapters facing the reality of my own shame I have met a turning point in Shame & Grace and that I am being challenged to do something about my shame instead of allowing whatever or whomever has caused this shame to exist. This is starting to make even more sense, that I am ashamed of the fact that I feel as much shame as I feel. The first sentence that ultimate holds me accountable is where Lewis Smedes says, "But we are, I believe, responsible for what we do with what other people did to us" (p. 83). Furthermore, he points out that "we suffer" as we do "because we deceive ourselves." It is because of the "plausible reasons" as wrong as they may be that we continue to feed ourselves this lie that we ought to be ashamed of ourselves. Dr. Smedes tells two stories that I think our telling of the devastation of the shame and how it hurts not only ourselves but those we are the closest to.

The first is about a minister who proudly preaches Total Depravity and applies it equally to himself. But when his wife tells him something very minor, such as, "You forgot to take out the trash" he flies off the handle and assumes that she is accusing him of failing as a husband when she is merely reminding him to do something he forgot. As one who is totally depraved, as he believes, does this type of response to rational?

The second story is of a university student who does well his first semester and then he nearly failed the next four semesters, after which he transferred to another university and continued down this path, transferring again and again to other universities. Why does he do this? His parents convinced him that they would approve of him only if he succeeded. But "the trap they set for him was: you are not worthy to succeed" (p. 88).

I wasn't ever a great student but I remember when I was struggling at the first college I went to after Bible School and the J-Term (January Term) class that I wound up getting a D in. It was during that time that I really got hooked on chatting and wound up spending more time chatting than I did reading the books required for that course. I also toyed with the idea of transferring to another university which I did the following year for much better reasons than, "I just can't find friends here."

Today I received e-mail from a student I worked with while I was in St. Louis. "Worked with" means I picked her up at her house and brought her to church. We had deeper conversations than I could have with anybody else in the youth group (even though I was an adult and she was in Middle School or Junior High). I received e-mail from her saying she is an Atheist now. I don't usually respond the way I did in my thinking about someone being an Atheist but when I read that I suddenly felt like I was to blame for her loss of faith. After all, I left at a time when she really needed someone who would encourage her as the dark forces of the inner city were fighting for her soul, so to speak.

This whole context reminds me of all the times I have moved around since I graduated from high school. Some of it was legitimate, like going from Wyoming to Boston, and partially legitimate in going from Boston to Idaho. And I'm sure good has come out of all of the moves after that but I wonder if I am the man who left after "first semester," after the excitement had warn off and my proneness to failure seemed more imminent, that I moved to another place.

When I first came to Korea, I felt like a movie star because I thought everybody wanted to be my friend. Later I found out that some of those people wanted to be my friends and some of them mostly just wanted to learn English. I also found it exciting to have lunch with students and to spend as much time with students as possible during English Camp. I felt more accepted during that time. Then when English Camp was over I felt depressed because I was no longer Mr. Popular.

I see this as I think about my vision to help "the poor" and I wonder how much of it is for the sake of the marginalized and how much of it is for my sake. I think Lewis Smedes addresses this in another chapter that I previously read.

So I guess that means I won't be making any sudden moves to any other countries, including America or Vietnam. I hope that someday I can live in another place but I don't want to do it for my own sake. I think I'll just start where I am, grieve whatever losses, real or imagined, may have occurred, and start where I am, being grateful for the people in my life now, especially the woman who accepts me for who I am, every quality, wart, wrinkle and flaw.