I thought I was doing really well with managing my thoughts on paper yesterday until I started boiling as Sinae and I started talking about the big event of me meeting her parents. As this event gets closer, I am getting more and more nervous. And I think it is because I have the idea that this is not going to go well, which is the cognitive distortion that David D. Burns calls, "Bad Fortune Teller". Then I am also shoulding myself into thinking that I have to be nervous about this event and that I can't just be happy about the joyous occasion of meeting Sinae's parents. Needless to say, for reasons I don't understand myself, that boiling resulted in me using a sharp tone with Sinae and we have been on rocky ground since. It seems like we might be coming around but it is still hard to say at this point.
Which makes a good segue into Dr. Burns' sixth chapter, which talks about more productive ways to manage disagreements. There is a lot in this chapter that speaks to the ways I erroneously respond when Sinae and I start arguing. Of course my struggles go back long before I met Sinae and I recall the way people on my father's side criticized me and how I felt like my self-esteem was always being tampered with. Dr. Burns does well in showing some practical ways of investigating the accusations by asking questions of time and location, when and where I did such and such, and also by finding something to agree with what the person says, even if the accusation is entirely false.
I hope I can put these things into practice, especially in my relationship with Sinae, so that I stop feeling like I am being attacked and so that I can start to really hear her out on ways that I can improve myself and also my relationship with her.
By the way, I am amazed by how Dr. Burns sets himself against many if not most psychotherapists, and Freud himself.
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5 comments:
It's also important for you to think about what you can do to influence how the meeting goes, and to accept that you cannot MAKE them like you or do anything... be kind, be prepared as best you can be, but know that ultimately, you are responsible for YOUR actions, not theirs, and be less nervous... nervous never fixed anything...
Well it sounds like you are echoing what Sinae told me about "don't be nervous". I thought that Americans said, "That's okay. You don't have to be nervous but I understand why you are nervous." Am I wrong? I'll share the news of how the meeting went in my next post. I wonder if you get my responses via e-mail.:)
Some Americans might say that... but I think you don't need to be nervous... nervous is just a waste of energy.. and I'll start subscribing to your responses by email...
Now that's an interesting thought. I think I agree with you but I thought we HAD to be nervous. You are quite the free-willer. What part of you do you contribute that to?
Contribute or attribute? It's probably arrogance or self-confidence...
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