Yesterday I went against my intentions of reading Shame & Guilt on the subway. I thought it would be a bad idea because of how deep it goes with the emotions and I was right. First of all, for some reason, something was bothering me about Sinae. Then we weren't able to talk on the phone because she needed some time for herself. Then she called me for only a minute because of a lack of time on her part and then we ended up meeting in a place other than we had planned. And on top of that, she hung up the phone while I was telling her that I loved her (Koreans don't usually say "goodbye" when they end the telephone call). On top of all of that, reading the book on the subway took me into the emotional valley of the shame that I feel and I felt even worse after I realized I misunderstood Sinae when she told me where we would meet. Further, I ended up making two mistakes on the subway when I transferred. The first time I thought I got on the wrong train. It turned out that I got on the right train but I quickly got off before it departed, thinking it was the wrong train. And then I realized it was the right train and so then I had to backtrack two times. By the time I arrived, I was about 40 minutes late. Had I been in a better mood, there wouldn't have been any problem but since I was in a bad mood we both started our date off on the wrong foot. Fortunately, we made it through about an hour later, though we had another misunderstanding which was probably my fault for bringing it up anyway and then the way I spoke of the future sounded different to her than what I intended.
In any event, I don't think that what I read on the subway was in vain but I'm still not sure it was wise to read this kind of book in public because it is quite daunting on the emotions. When I first started reading the book, I was excited because I felt like the writer was talking to me. But as the writer continued he spent a lot of time dealing with the details of what this shame is and how it feels and why we shame ourselves before getting to the solution. So these days, when I read this book, I sometimes feel worse and I think it is because of the reality of how much shame I really feel. I think it is really opening up a wound that I've needed to deal with for a very long time.
In Chapter Six, the next Chapter, Dr. Smedes talks about spiritual shame and how this can be an appropriate response to God but also how it can be a bad thing unless our "shame [is] overcome by grace" (p. 50). But what makes it difficult is that I think I have felt more shame than grace. Or perhaps I just never learned what to feel beyond that shame.
Chapter Seven talks about social shame. This has a lot of application for me because I think this is probably the most plausible explanation for why I feel shame. As a child I was picked on by a lot of people that I went to school with and I sometimes felt the same thing when I was in church. I remember when my pastor was interviewing me regarding some type of scholarship I received from one of the denomination's universities and I told him my understanding of the scholarship which was different from his (in front of the congregation). Though he didn't say anything to me that was harsh in front of the congregation I felt shame because I was trying to correct the pastor in front of the congregation. Lewis Smedes talks about how we feel shame when we feel like we are being viewed as less than human. I feel that a lot in Korea where people look at me and even tell their family or friends, "Foreigner". During some of my difficult moments of culture shock I have felt like people saw me as some sort of an "English Tramp". One of the areas where I felt shamed was when I went to a Bible school with a slightly different doctrine from the way I believe. At one time, one student came to my room around 6am every morning to share a verse of why I should believe in Eternal Security. A lot of students and staff talked about me so much that I was known as "The one who believes someone can 'lose' his/her salvation" or as "The Nazarene". At the time I was proud of the latter title but I think it was still demeaning to me as a person. Or perhaps Lewis Smedes is correct in saying that, "It may be that all the shame we feel inwardly, alone, in the privacy of our souls, is rooted in the fear of being shamed by other people" (p. 60).
Chapter Eight talks about our own sense of shame and the mysteries we keep ourselves. I feel like I carry a lot of mystery and find myself thinking, "If this person who likes me really knew what I was like on the inside, or if s/he saw me the way I see myself s/he may not think so much of me." Perhaps none of these things are necessarily bad and that there is just a lesson here for me to find the time to reveal that mystery to someone close to me or just to spend the time in prayer. Lewis Smedes puts the concept of a prayer closet in a new light when he says, "When Jesus told his followers to get themselves inside a closet when they bared their souls to God, he revealed an uncommon sensitivity to the need for privacy that keeps alive our link to divinity" (p. 66).
I posted a picture here of The Joker from Dark Knight, the most recent Batman movie. For some reason, he was my favorite character because of the way he talks and the chills that go up my spine when he is in the scene. I think he has a lot of shame in this movie (And I have to wonder what kind of shame the actor himself had when he committed himself shortly after the movie came out). And I wonder what it would be like, what it was like, for him to meet God.
No comments:
Post a Comment