Parents Disowning Their Children: A Common Occurrence?

I read today about how parents shame their children in Shame & Guilt. Another way of naming the chapter, which is less predictable and more true to what the writer talks about is, "Ways to Disown Your Children Other Than Saying, 'I Disown You'". In thinking about the way I view myself, I often wonder if my parents have anything to do with the shame I feel. Though there have been times when I wanted to say it's all because of the way I've been raised, I think it is hard to argue that. My parents never got a divorce. There was always someone at home to take care of me (Most of the time anyway, and if they weren't there they were only a telephone call away). Perhaps one of the more painful things I remember, though it seems quite trivial now, is when my dad promised to take me driving out in the country and then he changed his mind later on.

Dr. Smedes does well in pointing out that the crux of the issue here is that when parents disown their children, which can be done in a number of ways, they give a big blow to that child seeing him/herself as a valuable commodity. Dr. Smedes points out here in this chapter the difference between "own" and "possess" as it applies to human beings. Of course it is no longer legally possible to own another person but there is in fact a difference between say I own a person and I possess a person. I certainly recall the many times when I said in jest as a child that my parents only had me so that I could work in the family business.

Whether or not these are worthwhile criticisms or feelings remains to be determined. After all, surely no parent can say s/he raised his/her children perfectly. But for whatever reason, there is a sense in me that I am not worthy of being "owned". I'm coming to realize that this is the real crux of the issue with Sinae. There is this voice inside of me that says, "She loves me now, but what if I don't change or don't do this, that or the other thing just right. Will she stay?" I don't know where this comes from. I don't think I can blame this on my parents but perhaps there is something in my paternal family's background, not just in my dad's generation where brothers manage a trivial relationship at best and aren't speaking at worst, but also because my paternal grandfather wrote many nasty letters to other family members who were not his only family but his wife's as far as I know, though he also was at odds with his own brothers at times.

And what I am coming to terms with is that with the ring on her finger and more important, the promise she made to me, that Sinae is not going to leave me. When I think about this too much I start getting tears in my eyes because this is the very type of relationship that I've dreamed of for a very long time but I don't think that I ever thought it would really happen. I think that is why I tried dating as many different people as I did and why I haven't always been careful about the ways that I related to women or whether or not I was being wise about meeting a woman one-on-one. Shame seems to be a devastating thing. I'm thankful for the woman who has really been my salvation, a gift I ought never take for granted, who owns me. And this is a good thing.