I must have chosen to read this chapter at a bad time of the day or perhaps the chapter was just not all that enlightening. That may be because I already know that the shame I tend to engage in is unhealthy. That on top of the fact that I feel tired after sitting through an orientation for a few hours. I think I found listening to this orientation almost as difficult as listening to people speak in Korean. This makes me wonder if the shame battle I fight every day is somehow related to how tired I have been feeling lately. It seems like I can't sleep enough. Hopefully this will change with English Camp starting next week.
Nonetheless, I think it is good for me to see that shaming myself is not a good thing and that it comes from others in many different forms. One of the enlightening historical perspectives is the family of John Quincy Adams, who family was made to feel like their calling was to be morally superior to other people which drove some of his siblings to alcoholism and suicide.
This made me wonder how many things I have done wrong as a result of the shame that I feel and how many times I have criticized people just to make myself feel better. This makes it extremely difficult to criticize others when I'm not really sure what to think myself. And how many times when I have done something wrong has it been because I have already felt shame.
Some key aspects that Lewis B. Smedes points to are shame coming from the outside including secular culture (i.e. you're not pretty or handsome enough), graceless religion (i.e. I have to be perfect no matter what) and unaccepting parents. The consequences of the first are that a person is made to think that s/he can't be good enough looking. This reminds me of when I went to middle school thinking that students wouldn't pick on me because I was skinny. But they found other ways to poke fun of my appearance. I'm not sure where the graceless religion comes in. I grew up under a pastor who was very relaxed and I recall my mother always encouraging me, though of course there were those times when I didn't do my homework and the times when I went to college and seminary against my father's will were difficult for both of us. Whoops! I guess I segued into "unaccepting parents" without realizing it.
Here is a checklist of ways for a person to check to see whether or not s/he has unhealthy shame. I will allude to each characteristic for myself. Would you do the same for yourself?
1. Unhealthy Shame Exaggerates Our Faults
This is an interesting one because I remember hearing all kinds of stories in church about how bad someone was and how much God changed her/his life. I regretted the fact that as a child I didn't have that kind of story to tell. I don't have to blink twice to recognize my tendency to do this. There almost seems to be a glory in doing it, as if that makes me one of those wretched people that God can use like I heard about in the years I grew up in church.
2. Unhealthy Shame is Chronic
I'm not sure if there is a way to use this as a criteria as to whether or not one shames oneself in an unhealthy manner, other than to see if one recognizes shame as being one's bedfellow, so to speak. I would imagine this is also true of me. Early on in my relationship with Sinae, I found myself shaming myself and being in utter disbelief that she would actually love me if she really knew who I was. And it seems that the longer I shame myself the more detrimental it becomes.
3. Unhealthy Shame Is Put On Us By Others
There are certainly the images in my mind of the many people who have shamed me. The most unforgettable experiences were with the people I went to school with who called me all kinds of names. Even if they didn't call me names, there is the shame that I didn't respect myself enough to stand up for myself. And when my dad's side of the family visited, I had a harder time controlling my attitude than when my mom's side of the family visited. I hated myself for this.
4. Unhealthy Shame Pervades Our Whole Being
This is what I am wondering about when I speak of being tired all of the time. It would seem more exhausting to have to deal with the constant shame nagging me than if I could naturally see myself as a good person without the shame.
5. Unhealthy Shame Is Unspiritual
Now this seems to be the most ironic of all the notions of unhealthy shame proffered by Lewis Smedes. Could it be that I have somehow picked up the idea that to shame oneself is the most spiritual? What about the tax collector who asks God to forgive him in spite of being a rotten person juxtaposed against the pharisee who merely thanks God that he is not like the tax collector. Is this story not praising the notion of shaming oneself in the presence of God?
6. Unhealthy Shame Makes Shame-bent People Proud of Their Shame
This also seems ironic that someone who is "shame-bent" would become proud of that shame. I can see this in myself because it seems to involve some kind of moral justification something like this. "If I didn't feel bad about myself, I wouldn't be able to relate to others who feel bad about themselves."
Wow! I didn't realize until now how much this chapter speaks to me as well and paints me very well. How about you?
The Good News that Dr. Smedes leaves us with at the end of this chapter is that "we do not deserve to suffer unhealthy shame and have every right to be rid of it" (p. 44).
I don't think that happens overnight but I'm ready to absorb these truths, own up to them and recognize that I am a better person than I give credit for while I look on to the next chapter.
No comments:
Post a Comment