Finding things

After waiting longer than what Amazon.com predicted it would take for books to arrive at my door, I finally received them today. These are significant books, as evidenced by my decision to pay for the extra shipping in order to have them shipped internationally. These books are perhaps my most intentional attempt and sorting through my self-esteem struggles, which I would imagine will be an every-day battle for me.

The first of these books that I started reading is Shame & Grace: Healing the Shame We Don't Deserve. Lewis B. Smedes is the writer and he apparently taught at Fuller Theological Seminary and was known as an author, ethicist and theologian. I learned about this book, and the other two which I will mention later when I start reading them, from the Professor of Pastoral Counseling at the seminary I graduated from.

This book hits the nail right on the head for me. I've only read the first section, three chapters, and there have already been moments where the tears started to well up though I didn't actually cry. It's funny after all the years that I've struggled that I am just coming to realize that I feel shamed. I wish that in all the lessons I heard in youth group about waiting to have sex until I got married that someone would've talked about how to manage thoughts or how to deal with sexual temptation beyond making a boundary or something like that. But then again, maybe these lessons were there and I just didn't pick up on them.

One of the key areas that struck me is in the third chapter where different types of shame (people) are described. One of them that I clearly identified with was in the description of people who feel a burden for the problems of the world, as if the problems will only get worse if that person (me) doesn't do something about it. The other one was in reference to morality, feeling like everything a person does is either right or wrong. This makes me wonder about my whole sense of vocation in working in the inner city. Or is it possible that while my emotions or shame has been extreme that I could still do that kind of work but in a more healthy way?

I'll try to share more later and do an in-depth reflection once I finish the book, something I intend to take my time doing.