Saying no

4/18/09 Saying No

This is my first entry on my new computer. Well, not the first since I used text edit before. But this is my first entry on my MacBook since I purchased IWork. I will save the commercial for that software for another time. I am following a friend’s advice to journal as a way of taking time for myself. I have a problem with this and I am a basketcase tonight because of a broken relationship after dating someone for a month. One of my uncles tells me we should always learn from our experiences and I think I have learned that I am in an unstable emotional state and am therefore not ready for a romantic relationship.

My assignment for today is to talk about what would happen if I were to say no. My immediate reaction was that it would be like cutting teeth. When I first heard this expression in seminary I thought it referred to the cutting that happens when the dentist removes a person’s wisdom teeth. It turns out that this is a reference to when a baby’s teeth first grow in place. My answer is still the same.

This probably doesn’t make sense. It is difficult for me to say no. I try to see the relational redemption in helping someone. Since I am living in another country I figure that the best way to get to know people is to do favors for them. But this also means that I cannot do what I would like to do because I am helping other people out. Currently, it also means that I am not able to prepare as much for classes as I would like to do. But the other problem is that I am not always good about getting work done if I am not busy.

I guess for starters I should talk about what I do. Mondays are supposed to be my research days but so far I’ve been using them as my catch-up days. One day I cleaned my apartment in preparation for my then girlfriend who was coming to visit. Other times I have prepared for classes. Then I meet with a Korean family to free-talk in English and have dinner with them. After that I teach an English class at City Hall. This is interesting and much more enjoyable than what I do at the university because people are more motivated to learn. I teach this class twice a week. My regular university responsibilities include teaching three classes, free-talking and a maximum of two meetings a week. I’m also meeting with students at 7am on Tuesday and Wednesdays for a “bible study” and free-talking with the same group in the evening on Thursdays. Fridays I teach a class and usually meet with students for free-talking. They didn’t show up last week so that probably means they gave up on the class. I’m also teaching an English free-talking class at a church on Tuesdays, helping with an English service at 9am on Sundays, teaching English after the service, going to a Korean service, eating lunch with people at church and then teaching an English class at another church.

There are other things I would like to do as well that are difficult to do since I am not good at saying no. I’m curious about ways I can help people, especially those who are poor. I’m still processing through this and I don’t think it will happen easily. I feel guilty many times because I’m not doing anything to help poor people. Even when I feel fulfilled I feel bad because I’m not doing much to help poor people. I’m also feeling a burden to learn Korean which is still quite poor for me. I’m embarassed to be among the many foreigners who cannot speak Korean fluently. I would like to get involved with NGOs (Non-Government Organizations) which seems to be virtually impossible unless I learn to speak in Korean.