Potential Negative Thinking Turns Out Well

I have several files with the same name for some reason. Apparently there is enough similarity between the names to get them confused but enough difference to keep them separate. I’m sure there is a lesson in there somewhere. Suffice it to say that someday I’m going to have a headache merging all those things together.

My Uncle Leland told me to beware of using “should” in my blogs. I can’t find it but apparently my sense of guilt is implied in this language of what the voices in my head are telling me to do. Please feel free to remind me of this if you see this in my writing.

Today has not been a perfect day but I have been surprised to see the way my thinking changed from bad to good. This started with an awkward conversation with a student over dinner. I told him some time ago that I was going to make sam-gyeopsal (삼겹살) and he said that we should eat dinner together sometime after Mid-terms. I agreed and today ended up being that day. For some reason he has a hard time understanding my Korean and English pronunciation. Eventually I got frustrated to the point of not talking unless I absolutely had to when I started to think about Sinae. I remembered what she told me about how uncomfortable it makes her when I complain about Korean culture. My first thought was, “Well, I just won’t tell her about this.” Of course I’m not good at that sort of thing so I quickly realized that if I didn’t want to tell her I had a bad experience that I had to figure out a way to tell her that would be positive. Before I knew it, I found myself turn an uncomfortable situation into a positive one by remembering that not everybody has troubles with my pronunciation in Korean OR English and that perhaps I just needed to talk slow and keep trying to speak in Korean. Of course his roommate (or friend anyway) came and could understand my Korean AND my English for the most part and before I knew it I was comfortable. The first student’s name is Min-Cheol (민철), who told me on the way back to campus that my Korean pronunciation was improving. I said thank you and quickly added that he was probably just getting used to it. He agreed. I was so happy that I didn’t have to mess with the burden of telling Sinae about a bad experience but rather, about an initially uncomfortable experience that turned out well.

I had a second situation that also lended itself to negative thinking and problems with Sinae if I didn’t deal with it properly. I met a friend of mine who can’t see. His name is Gil-Jun (길준) and he can speak English better than I can speak Korean, and probably better than most of my students. He humbles me often as I see how comfortable he is with himself and how he is able to live independently, whereas I often find myself being enslaved to my own hindrances that seem much less excusable than for him to complain about not being able to see. Now his English is good but it is not perfect. This means that we often have problems communicating. Either he doesn’t understand my English or I don’t understand his. While there are some people I try to communicate with primarily in Korean he seems to want to practice English with me so I usually only speak Korean with him if we are with his girlfriend or someone else who can’t speak English well.

Here again was another situation where I found myself handling the situation differently than I have in the past, probably again thinking about what Sinae has said recently about criticizing Korean culture. I have found myself thinking a lot today about how these Koreans that I meet all day long are her people. I found myself respecting Koreans more than usual when I don’t understand Korean culture by making mental notes of questions I have about Korean culture without being critical about why people do the things they do. Usually I ask students, “Why does that matter in Korean culture?” but I didn’t today because I think that more often than not those answers are dissatisfactory because of language and cultural barriers which often lead to further complications down the road, i.e. with Sinae. I will try to list those questions at the end of this entry.

I told Gil-Jun about my problems with Sinae over the weekend which I perceive to be mostly my fault since I was the one who had the bad attitude. It seemed that Gil-Jun was giving me advice that presumed the relationship would go beyond where it is, something I’m not wanting to entertain at this moment simply because I want to live in the moment without dwelling on the anticipations of what may happen in the future. For the record, I hope this relationship will continue for a long time, lest there be any misunderstandings about that.

Now usually when there is an obstacle between Gil-Jun and I because of the language problem I find myself complaining inside that I just can’t be close friends with anyone who is a Korean. But I learned over the weekend that I have to stop that kind of thinking, which probably has less to do with people who happen to have been born in another culture and country and more to do with my own personal issues of not liking who I am and then diffusing that on others by imagining there is a perfect friend out there who just doesn’t live in Korea. The reality is probably that such a person doesn’t exist and that I ought to be thankful for the people who may not be perfectly perfect but could be great friends for me and hopefully I can return the favor to them. Shortly after this, Gil-Jun’s girlfriend Han-Ol (한올) came to his apartment with a new rice-cooker. After helping them deal with recycled goods, something Korea seems to be more organized with than America, we had ddeok-bokki, soondae (pigs intestines), and twigeem. This was a very fun and comfortable time for me, mostly because this is some of my favorite Korean food and the company was comfortable. And also because what happened to be uncomfortable at some points also gave me a lot of joy and satisfaction in the end. And now I have survived my second night of alone time not feeling a burden about the struggle of being alone or second-guessing Sinae and why she needs this alone time. I think I am doing better with this than I have in previous weeks. I also feel like she is compromising by constantly offering to have a conversation when needed. And I am compromising by giving her the space she needs while also looking forward to seeing her again on Friday if that works out as planned.

Now as for culture, here are the things that came up today in conversation. (1) Why do Koreans go to church during the sunrise every day (Monday or Tuesday-Friday or Saturday), on Wednesday, Friday and sometimes Saturday nights, as well as the 9:00, 11:00 or Sunday evening service? (2) Why are students of different ages or years (i.e. Freshmen, Seniors etc.) usually not friends with one another? I thought I had more than that but apparently that is all I can think of right now. I think that after I spend some time thinking about my questions about family that I will want to spend some time learning Buddhism, Confucianism and Shamanism, three major religions or worldviews that have highly influenced Koreans. Of course Christianity has influenced Korean culture or at least Koreans themselves, particularly Protestant Christians. I was surprised to see titles of books about the relationship between Protestant Churches and Nationalism in Korea.