Finding Fulfillment when I Don't Fill It

I had a difficult time at church today. This should not be surprising since we are trying to figure out what to do about the English service. It seems that we are not on the same page as far as the leadership of the service is concerned. One person things we should let lying dogs lie and one person thinks we should keep going regardless of who shows up. Both of these are valuable perspectives, I think. Though I am verbally closer to the person who says to let the thing die, I can also respect the person who finds fulfillment in the service. This experience makes me wonder about fulfillment, something I may not think accurately about in my mind.

To me, if something is worth doing, there is some evidence of fruit. It doesn’t mean that there has to be lots of proof that something is worthwhile but some type of evidence would be nice. As one leader and I were discussing the service, it seemed that we weren’t getting anywhere. We were both probably being too abstract in our thinking. A third person seemed to bring us down to earth. He pointed out that the main reason why people are coming to the service is to learn English. He further suggested that we do something less formal.

The stress on learning English makes me want to shy away from this responsibility. That’s why I wanted to go the other direction after my lunch appointment yesterday. There is a part of me that doesn’t understand why people are so concerned about learning English. Yet there is another part of me that can see why people are so interested in learning English. This does seem curious to me, especially in light of the fact that people come to our English service to learn English. I would think they would go to hagwons or something like that but they seem to be coming to church for that.

I’m not sure what to do with this especially in terms of fulfillment. I have never had someone come up to me telling me how much they appreciate what I do, unless the person was directly involved in the service. I’m reminded of one analogy someone gave me a long time ago, that this dilemma is much the same as the person who runs sound. Nobody goes to the soundperson when everyting is going well to express gratitude to that person. They only go to that person when there is something wrong. I wonder if there is something to this analogy that is applicable to my own life, that sometimes there isn’t the life-fulfillment that I have changed somebody’s life but that I am doing something well. What motivates one to do things that are worthwhile when one does not fulfilled in them? Right now the most fulfilling thing to me is going to sleep. I have gotten a lot of work done today and I am officially out of steam.