Yesterday evening, they finally transferred Mom to the Transitional Care Unit (TCU). I first learned about this unit through a patient I met on the elevator who is probably around my age, who was wheeling himself around in a wheelchair. He broke my stereotypes of someone with blue hair and a patch over his eye. It turns out he is a very positive person and extremely easy to talk to. In fact, sometimes I end up talking with him as long as I talk to my mom. I'm glad for him that he gets to go home today. I'm sure he could use your prayers. I don't know much about his background, and am not sure it would be appropriate to share his name due to confidentiality laws. I just saw him get on the elevator to go home.
One of the hospitalists (A physician working in the hospital) came to visit Mom this morning. She is the doctor who examined Mom before the surgeon came in and shortly after that decided it was time to operate on Mom. At that time, Mom could hardly get out of bed. She thought Mom had made quite a bit of progress and didn't seem to think Mom would next an extreme amount of rehab. Someone told her that she'd probably be here 10 to 14 days, but one nurse told me some people are here for less time than that while others are here longer than that. The physician is concerned about the swelling in Mom's feet and legs so hopefully they will put Mom on some kind of water pill to take care of that. It is also disconcerting that they have to keep a close eye on Mom's blood sugar but the doctor (By the way, this doctor happens to be a woman. Something I think is worth mentioning, don't you?:) said that if she didn't have diabetes before her body should be able to regulate sugar later. The thing we don't know for certain is how long that will be. So we will continue to wait and take things a day at a time.
Have I mentioned that I am reading "Letters to God" to Mom at night. This is fun for me because it gives me a chance to continue practicing my acting skills. For those of you who don't know this, my students and Sinae think I'm quite an actor. Now, don't take this too seriously but it is a fun way to show the differences in intonation. On a more serious note, I find this book to be a means for me to think through the process I've seen with Mom. So far in the book, the father/husband was killed when he had a head-on collision with a drunk driver. In the book, his wife has a lot of questions about why this happened. I suppose that somewhere deep down inside, behind all the busyness of visiting Mom and helping out around home, there is this part of me who wonders this same thing.
Last night, I received grace by talking with Sinae. I find myself in constant bewilderment about how this relationship continues to take place. I am so grateful for the relationship I have with her. I don't think this is simply a case of me being grateful for a relationship with just any woman, but with one woman in particular. I like her approach to dealing with problems and her openness to having a relationship with me. If you know me at all, you know I'm not the easiest person to be around, what with all my seriousness and the many questions I have. Sometimes these questions scare her, but after thinking through things some, she comes around. She has been quite a blessing to me over the 8 or 9 months.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
The last day on the surgical unit and then on to the rehab unit
Today was a much better day for Mom, which I think she deserves after a worrisome night wondering why she was bleeding so much. After pooping out some blood clots her bleeding stopped and the doctors think they just had her blood too thin.
Why might they be moving her, you ask? She went for a walk in the hall for the first time today and a CNA and I went with her on her second walk. She walked on her own with the walker while the CNA pushed her IV pole which is only holding the wound vac.
There is some question about which rehab unit Mom will go to. Whichever unit she is transferred to, we hope they will work with her several hours each day and that that will be her last stop before she goes home. But nonetheless, we are hopeful that the hospital staff is wise in their decisions and that Mom's progress will be slowly but surely.
I thought I would get Mom's pantry all organized this afternoon but for some reason I was lacking in energy this afternoon. I tried eating some "mini chimis" (Miniature chimichangas) which were apparently lacking in protein to my surprise. After taking a long nap (about an hour or so) I emptied out her pantry and am hoping to put everything away before I go to bed tonight. There are more things to do but I am getting things done one day at a time. Getting work done around the house (mobile home if you are talking to Dad) also gives me confidence and a nice break from sitting around most of the day.
Thanks for your comments, thoughts and prayers.
Why might they be moving her, you ask? She went for a walk in the hall for the first time today and a CNA and I went with her on her second walk. She walked on her own with the walker while the CNA pushed her IV pole which is only holding the wound vac.
There is some question about which rehab unit Mom will go to. Whichever unit she is transferred to, we hope they will work with her several hours each day and that that will be her last stop before she goes home. But nonetheless, we are hopeful that the hospital staff is wise in their decisions and that Mom's progress will be slowly but surely.
I thought I would get Mom's pantry all organized this afternoon but for some reason I was lacking in energy this afternoon. I tried eating some "mini chimis" (Miniature chimichangas) which were apparently lacking in protein to my surprise. After taking a long nap (about an hour or so) I emptied out her pantry and am hoping to put everything away before I go to bed tonight. There are more things to do but I am getting things done one day at a time. Getting work done around the house (mobile home if you are talking to Dad) also gives me confidence and a nice break from sitting around most of the day.
Thanks for your comments, thoughts and prayers.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
When things get bumpy...
Things were looking really good with Mom this morning. After getting 2 pints of blood last night she was stronger and she even walked to the bathroom mostly on her own. She felt a lot better after that. One of the CNAs said that she turned a major corner.
Then I went to get some TV dinners for the family business and that's when my wheels started squeaking somewhere. I stopped at Brakes Plus, which was on the way to Wal-Mart (Just so you know, I was spending someone else's money and they wanted me to go to Wal-Mart). They didn't have time to look at my car then so they recommended I make an appointment. I asked for a card and said I'd call later if I want to make an appointment. I proceeded on to Wal-Mart to buy 26 TV dinners. Mom tried calling me once but she couldn't hear me because of the bad reception (I still don't understand this concept after living in Korea). I proceeded to select TV dinners and as I was waiting to pay for the tv dinners Mom called me again and told me she was bleeding. I finished buying the food, called JoAnn to see what she thought I should do, and then I executively decided to put the food in the freezer and then come to the hospital.
When I got here, a doctor was examining Mom so the nurse asked me (More like, told me) to stay outside the room. He then contacted the surgeon (who by the way has a very good reputation among the nurses and the doctor who examined her today). We are waiting for the blood test and the surgeon to finish surgery (That is, we are waiting for the blood test results and we are waiting for the surgeon to finish doing surgery on a patient, just in case there are any wisenheimers out there).
Mom is feeling a little more relaxed after the nurse told her that when she used the restroom she only lost an amount of blood equivalent to a woman's period. This helped Mom relax some, though she is feeling pain like she felt before she had surgery.
Thanks for your prayers.
Then I went to get some TV dinners for the family business and that's when my wheels started squeaking somewhere. I stopped at Brakes Plus, which was on the way to Wal-Mart (Just so you know, I was spending someone else's money and they wanted me to go to Wal-Mart). They didn't have time to look at my car then so they recommended I make an appointment. I asked for a card and said I'd call later if I want to make an appointment. I proceeded on to Wal-Mart to buy 26 TV dinners. Mom tried calling me once but she couldn't hear me because of the bad reception (I still don't understand this concept after living in Korea). I proceeded to select TV dinners and as I was waiting to pay for the tv dinners Mom called me again and told me she was bleeding. I finished buying the food, called JoAnn to see what she thought I should do, and then I executively decided to put the food in the freezer and then come to the hospital.
When I got here, a doctor was examining Mom so the nurse asked me (More like, told me) to stay outside the room. He then contacted the surgeon (who by the way has a very good reputation among the nurses and the doctor who examined her today). We are waiting for the blood test and the surgeon to finish surgery (That is, we are waiting for the blood test results and we are waiting for the surgeon to finish doing surgery on a patient, just in case there are any wisenheimers out there).
Mom is feeling a little more relaxed after the nurse told her that when she used the restroom she only lost an amount of blood equivalent to a woman's period. This helped Mom relax some, though she is feeling pain like she felt before she had surgery.
Thanks for your prayers.
Monday, July 26, 2010
No move to therapy today, but maybe tomorrow.
We thought they might be moving Mom to the TCU (Transitional Care Unit) but they decided not to since Mom is still on a catheter and she is still using pain medicine through the IV. She needs to be more able to get up and walk to the bathroom in order to lose her catheter so hopefully they will get her to that point today. Otherwise Mom is doing well as far as her recovery is concerned.
Mom is a little discouraged because she is still not able to walk further than it takes to get to the chair. I, too, am a little frustrated with this unit because the surgeon put her here in order for them to get her up and going but they have been pretty easy on her. Last Thursday, nobody came from PT (Physical Therapy) and on Friday a woman who was 8 months pregnant came but she couldn't work with Mom other than telling Mom to do exercises with her legs because she is so far along in her pregnancy and she didn't come with another person who could help her with therapy. I told a nurse about that today and she was going to check into that. I'll be more than happy to help Mom along as far as walking is concerned. She stood for a long time yesterday with the help of a walker so I'm not seeing why they are taking things so easy with her. She has been sitting up in a chair quite a bit so I think she is getting stronger. She just needs more personal attention in my opinion. She didn't feel like getting up the first time in ICU but she had to because they made her.
I guess my job isn't to tell people what their job is. I'm just comparing with my own experience (granted I was about 40 years younger) and what I have heard from others. I saw an elderly woman walking with a therapist today in the therapy unit and I think Mom is in much better condition than her.
Sorry...there I go complaining again. I better follow my Uncle Leland's advice and focus on faith today. Faith in Mom's ability to recover, faith in the process (Sinae's favorite word), faith in those who are responsible for seeing Mom to good health, and of course, faith in God. It's just hard to see Mom as discouraged as she is. Nonetheless, she is doing a whole lot better than she was a week ago. We are just waiting in anticipation for the next step.
Meanwhile, I'm trying to get things rolling with getting things organized for when she does get home. Of course, I'd like to do basic cleaning like making sure all the newspapers have been recycles and that the bathroom and kitchen are clean. But I also want to organize her pantry, defrost her freezer in the kitchen, organize a drawer in the dining room and organize the cabinets in the bathroom. If we do all of these things, Mom will not be overwhelmed with the condition of her home and she will be able to focus on getting well. I'm also hoping Dad can get rid of a card table that he uses for doing some of his paperwork which will make it much easier for Mom to get around.
I think there are a lot of people who are ready, willing and able to help and I hope we can put all of them to good use. I just need to make a list of how we can best use you so that all of us feel satisfied and not frustrated. If you are able to tell me what you would like to do and when, I will try to work out a schedule so that your service to Mom is fulfilling and not too exhausting.
I am thankful for all of you (most of which are probably not reading this blog) for the ways you are expressing your concern to Mom. I think she is probably amazed at all the people who care for her. She couldn't believe that both of her brothers and their spouse and children (Jeff's children I mean) came 150 miles from their home to be with her and her family in the middle of harvest. I think she needs to be reminded of how important she is to all of us, including God himself.
Hmm...I feel much better now after focusing on the positive. While I am hanging around with Mom at the hospital I am thinking about lots of things. I'm thinking about my relationship with Sinae, how I can teach English better in South Korea, my life in South Korea, what it's like to be in America for longer than I have been for a while, and the mystery of me being so comfortable in the hospital. As you know, I have this crazy vision for helping those who can't help themselves and I see the hospital as one place that is doing that in the most amazing way. Interestingly enough, the hospital is an institution that probably has more politics than I could handle myself. So I am thinking about how this might be a place where I could help people. I could get involved in a hospital as a Chaplain, which wouldn't require more degrees or I could get involved in some other aspect of the hospital which may require another degree and might open more possibilities outside of the United States.
Right now, the most important thing to me is being with my mom and family now, but continuing my relationship with Sinae for a long time (my vote is forever) and to continue doing things outside of the United States while also visiting the US once or twice a year.
Sorry for the overload. I keep meaning to post more of my reflections about living in America. I'll try to do that soon.
Thanks for everything.
Mom is a little discouraged because she is still not able to walk further than it takes to get to the chair. I, too, am a little frustrated with this unit because the surgeon put her here in order for them to get her up and going but they have been pretty easy on her. Last Thursday, nobody came from PT (Physical Therapy) and on Friday a woman who was 8 months pregnant came but she couldn't work with Mom other than telling Mom to do exercises with her legs because she is so far along in her pregnancy and she didn't come with another person who could help her with therapy. I told a nurse about that today and she was going to check into that. I'll be more than happy to help Mom along as far as walking is concerned. She stood for a long time yesterday with the help of a walker so I'm not seeing why they are taking things so easy with her. She has been sitting up in a chair quite a bit so I think she is getting stronger. She just needs more personal attention in my opinion. She didn't feel like getting up the first time in ICU but she had to because they made her.
I guess my job isn't to tell people what their job is. I'm just comparing with my own experience (granted I was about 40 years younger) and what I have heard from others. I saw an elderly woman walking with a therapist today in the therapy unit and I think Mom is in much better condition than her.
Sorry...there I go complaining again. I better follow my Uncle Leland's advice and focus on faith today. Faith in Mom's ability to recover, faith in the process (Sinae's favorite word), faith in those who are responsible for seeing Mom to good health, and of course, faith in God. It's just hard to see Mom as discouraged as she is. Nonetheless, she is doing a whole lot better than she was a week ago. We are just waiting in anticipation for the next step.
Meanwhile, I'm trying to get things rolling with getting things organized for when she does get home. Of course, I'd like to do basic cleaning like making sure all the newspapers have been recycles and that the bathroom and kitchen are clean. But I also want to organize her pantry, defrost her freezer in the kitchen, organize a drawer in the dining room and organize the cabinets in the bathroom. If we do all of these things, Mom will not be overwhelmed with the condition of her home and she will be able to focus on getting well. I'm also hoping Dad can get rid of a card table that he uses for doing some of his paperwork which will make it much easier for Mom to get around.
I think there are a lot of people who are ready, willing and able to help and I hope we can put all of them to good use. I just need to make a list of how we can best use you so that all of us feel satisfied and not frustrated. If you are able to tell me what you would like to do and when, I will try to work out a schedule so that your service to Mom is fulfilling and not too exhausting.
I am thankful for all of you (most of which are probably not reading this blog) for the ways you are expressing your concern to Mom. I think she is probably amazed at all the people who care for her. She couldn't believe that both of her brothers and their spouse and children (Jeff's children I mean) came 150 miles from their home to be with her and her family in the middle of harvest. I think she needs to be reminded of how important she is to all of us, including God himself.
Hmm...I feel much better now after focusing on the positive. While I am hanging around with Mom at the hospital I am thinking about lots of things. I'm thinking about my relationship with Sinae, how I can teach English better in South Korea, my life in South Korea, what it's like to be in America for longer than I have been for a while, and the mystery of me being so comfortable in the hospital. As you know, I have this crazy vision for helping those who can't help themselves and I see the hospital as one place that is doing that in the most amazing way. Interestingly enough, the hospital is an institution that probably has more politics than I could handle myself. So I am thinking about how this might be a place where I could help people. I could get involved in a hospital as a Chaplain, which wouldn't require more degrees or I could get involved in some other aspect of the hospital which may require another degree and might open more possibilities outside of the United States.
Right now, the most important thing to me is being with my mom and family now, but continuing my relationship with Sinae for a long time (my vote is forever) and to continue doing things outside of the United States while also visiting the US once or twice a year.
Sorry for the overload. I keep meaning to post more of my reflections about living in America. I'll try to do that soon.
Thanks for everything.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Surgical Unit: Day 3
I'm sitting with Mom in her room on this Sunday morning. We are trying to find a good church service on TV but that's a little difficult. I may try to find something online.
Mom is continuing to make progress. She has been taken off of Heparin (blood thinner by IV) and is on Coumadin (the pill form of one type of blood thinner). She is eating regular meals provided by the hospital. She's still not able to walk on her own but she did use a walker yesterday with the assistance of nurses and I got to help another nurse get Mom out of bed yesterday. The most challenging part was dealing with all the lines for her medicine and wound vac.
I wasn't sure whether I should go to church this morning or not. Since I don't live here I feel like I can do Mom more good by being with her than by going to a church by myself or with a family where I don't know the people. Part of this is because I remember how hard it was to be alone during the time my family was at church when I was in the hospital with a ruptured appendicitis.
So far I have three followers leaving comments. I hope to add to that but am grateful for those of you following this blog.
God's Shalom!
Mom is continuing to make progress. She has been taken off of Heparin (blood thinner by IV) and is on Coumadin (the pill form of one type of blood thinner). She is eating regular meals provided by the hospital. She's still not able to walk on her own but she did use a walker yesterday with the assistance of nurses and I got to help another nurse get Mom out of bed yesterday. The most challenging part was dealing with all the lines for her medicine and wound vac.
I wasn't sure whether I should go to church this morning or not. Since I don't live here I feel like I can do Mom more good by being with her than by going to a church by myself or with a family where I don't know the people. Part of this is because I remember how hard it was to be alone during the time my family was at church when I was in the hospital with a ruptured appendicitis.
So far I have three followers leaving comments. I hope to add to that but am grateful for those of you following this blog.
God's Shalom!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Surgical Unit: Day 2
I've become a little disorganized about my blogging but hopefully it is still making sense. The surgeon who first met with Mom is covering for the surgeon who operated on Mom and saved Mom's life came to see Mom today. He remembered seeing Mom before they discovered the blood clot in her artery and the hole in her colon. I probably overstated how grateful we are to Dr. Burton without expressing gratitude to him for what Dr. Burton did. I hope I didn't sound like a cranky customer. I guess there is just a part of me that wonders how the hole in Mom's colon was missed when Dr. Burton (the surgeon who operated on Mom) found it. But I guess it is harder to read a CT scan than it seems to those of us who don't know the first thing about reading a CT scan.
The surgeon talked about putting Mom on a regular diet so hopefully they'll be experimenting with her diet today to see how she does. She hasn't been eating a lot so hopefully with some more appetizing food, she will start eating more. Her blood sugar has been going up and down but things are going well.
Mom's greatest desire is to start walking and hopefully that will happen as the fluid they pumped in through her veins comes out slowly but surely. Right now I'm going to visit another lady in the ICU with my grandpa. He's very good at making friends with a lot of different people.
Thanks for following Mom's journey and participating with us.
God's Shalom!
The surgeon talked about putting Mom on a regular diet so hopefully they'll be experimenting with her diet today to see how she does. She hasn't been eating a lot so hopefully with some more appetizing food, she will start eating more. Her blood sugar has been going up and down but things are going well.
Mom's greatest desire is to start walking and hopefully that will happen as the fluid they pumped in through her veins comes out slowly but surely. Right now I'm going to visit another lady in the ICU with my grandpa. He's very good at making friends with a lot of different people.
Thanks for following Mom's journey and participating with us.
God's Shalom!
Blood IS thicker than water.
It seems that I am learning a lot more about family after being in America for a bit longer than I anticipated. I have had problems with my only grandpa still living, whom I have always enjoyed being around, and the problem seems to be about money. I usually let him buy my meals since he is usually the one to invite me to meals and since I figure he has more money than I do. I also assume that since he is older than me and that since I have limited funds until I return to South Korea, he will be more than happy to buy the meals. The second issue is about the garage that I have used since I was old enough to drive a car. Regarding the first issue, it is not easy to convince Grandpa that I should buy the meal. He seems like he wants to but he often complains about how much more expensive the restaurants in my hometown are than they are in the city where he lives. This suggests to me that he doesn’t really want to do this so I think he should just do what he wants to do. The garage issue is a baffling one, one that comes up time and time again. Though it seemed he brought it up in a very passive-aggressive way, I decided I was tired of hearing him complain about it so I said I’d start paying the $9/month for electricity. Eventually he told me he didn’t like my attitude but we both agreed that I should go ahead and starting paying this part of the electricity. After all, I’m not paying any rent for use of the garage. Though yesterday was rough, today seems to have gone better.
I should’ve known this wouldn’t be the end of the family squabbles. I guess it started when I decided that after all the company Mom had today, she deserved to have a little rest and relaxation with her husband. So I opted to take my nieces into the nearby waiting room. I figured there might not be any people there, there would be plenty of space, it would be easier to keep them under control since they don’t listen to me all that well and I sure didn’t want to my mom to have more stress and have to get after them herself. I thought this was a good idea. Then when their mom came back, we went back with her into Mom’s room.
Now what happened after that I’m not quite sure about. I didn’t receive any information that might correct my negative thinking. All I have to go off of is vibes and the one thing I have learned from Sinae is that it is sometimes better to let someone be mad at me and wait for her/him to talk to me than to make the issue worse by bringing it up. So this is only my perception. Remember, I am an INTJ, NOT an INFJ, so I probably can’t feel very well.
That being said, it seems to me that my sister-in-law was bothered by the fact that I took her daughters away from their grandma whom they haven’t been able to see very much over the past week. She left me in charge of them while she went to change vehicles in case you were wondering why she left. I think she changed vehicles because her husband needed the car she was driving for a business appointment he had tonight.
My hint to this possible confrontation was when my sister-in-law asked my mom if she was burdened by her daughters being in the room with her. Then something seemed different about the way she communicated with me. I did get a response when I told one of her daughters she has a big belly. Apparently, this was one of those moments when I didn’t say everything I was thinking. What I was thinking is how concerned I am about her bloated belly and the fact that her stomach always seems to be bothering her. She seems to be a prime candidate for IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). When my sister-in-law said, “That’s not a very nice thing to say to girls”, I justified my action by saying, “It’s okay this time.” I didn’t really think about what I was saying when I said that. I think that’s probably something my brother and/or father might say. I wasn’t too happy about that thought. Then my other niece asked her mom as if I wasn’t in the room, “Why did he say that, Mommy?” Then I said I was concerned about her sister always having a bloated tummy but I suppose I didn’t communicate that very well.
So, now I guess I’ll wait to see what happens next in this family episode. My sister-in-law hasn’t been sleeping well these days for some reason. I suppose that could be taxing and could set her on edge to some extent. But I would imagine there is something that set her off when I took her girls into the waiting room around the corner from my mom’s room. And perhaps there was something else that caused this upset.
Whatever the answer to this perplexing situation, I suppose I should take a step back and try to look at things from a mother’s perspective and then I would like to return to my overwhelming question, “If family is important, so what?”
The thing I don’t know that might be telling as to why my nieces’ mother was upset, if she was in fact upset with me due to how I took care of her daughters while she was gone, taking the girls out of their grandma’s room while their parents were gone, is the feelings of the girls I was taking care of. My oldest niece didn’t seem to be bothered by my telling her that we were going to go to another room so that grandma can have some peace and quiet but my youngest niece didn’t seem to want to go. Nonetheless, neither of them cried and we had a fun time in the waiting room where we went. And I do believe I asked my mom if she’d like us to leave the room for a while so she and my dad could talk for a while. I do believe I had my mom’s best interests in mind, not the girls. Whoops. I’m supposed to see things from my sister-in-law’s side. The only thing I can come up with as to why she would be upset is if she felt like I was taking her daughters away from one of their grandma’s or if I was just power hungry and didn’t think about their grandma, them or my sister-in-law. I wonder what the big deal is. If someone puts someone else in charge, is it reasonable for the person who left to question the other person’s judgment, especially without saying a word about it to the person who was left in charge?
I do think my comment to my niece does deserve some negative criticism. If it were possible to say what I was thinking, I suppose I could’ve (I’m trying to get away from “should”) said, “It seems like your tummy is bloated (What is the equivalent of this that a 4 year-old would understand?). Does it seem like your tummy feels big when your tummy hurts the most (Again, I question how much of this is intelligible to a 4 year-old).” Then again, perhaps I should’ve just kept my thoughts to myself and talked to her parents about it later. I find this kind of situation hopeless no matter how one looks at it.
This is probably analogous of something I’ve been struggling with since Mom got sick. That is, “How can I help my family improve things for Mom?” I find myself sometimes trying to fix things that I can’t really fix. It seems that regarding one of my nieces, it is really none of my business how my brother and his wife deal with her, even though I think that one of their daughters has the same problem I have.
Now for the question about what to do about those members of society who are most important to us, our family. It seems to me that family is important to us. But what does that mean? Does that mean that we drop everything for them? Does that mean that we do things for them that we wouldn’t do for anyone else?
For me, the thing that makes friends, significant others or spouses so valuable is that we get to choose them. And if we don’t get along with those people we call our friends or whatever, we don’t have to continue relationships with them anymore. Sadly, at least in my family, this happens sometimes, too. I wonder if my family and I were only friends if we would still be friends. There is a part of me that is glad that family members are more sticktoitive than that. But then there is another part of me that is perplexed at these kinds of situations where it seems like we do things much more cautiously for the sake of having peace, rather than being more open as it seems I am with some of my closest friends who surely couldn’t be as close as family. But in my case, especially during my college and seminary years, my friends provided me with at least what appeared to be closer relationships. And yet, it is my family that I meet most often when I come home from another country.
Lest this blog suggest that this question is closed by ending in a statement, this subject is not closed. And perhaps it would do me well to think seriously about the difference between friends and family. Do friends fill the void that family members sometimes leave or are they merely the most plausible substitute for a void that only family can fill?
I should’ve known this wouldn’t be the end of the family squabbles. I guess it started when I decided that after all the company Mom had today, she deserved to have a little rest and relaxation with her husband. So I opted to take my nieces into the nearby waiting room. I figured there might not be any people there, there would be plenty of space, it would be easier to keep them under control since they don’t listen to me all that well and I sure didn’t want to my mom to have more stress and have to get after them herself. I thought this was a good idea. Then when their mom came back, we went back with her into Mom’s room.
Now what happened after that I’m not quite sure about. I didn’t receive any information that might correct my negative thinking. All I have to go off of is vibes and the one thing I have learned from Sinae is that it is sometimes better to let someone be mad at me and wait for her/him to talk to me than to make the issue worse by bringing it up. So this is only my perception. Remember, I am an INTJ, NOT an INFJ, so I probably can’t feel very well.
That being said, it seems to me that my sister-in-law was bothered by the fact that I took her daughters away from their grandma whom they haven’t been able to see very much over the past week. She left me in charge of them while she went to change vehicles in case you were wondering why she left. I think she changed vehicles because her husband needed the car she was driving for a business appointment he had tonight.
My hint to this possible confrontation was when my sister-in-law asked my mom if she was burdened by her daughters being in the room with her. Then something seemed different about the way she communicated with me. I did get a response when I told one of her daughters she has a big belly. Apparently, this was one of those moments when I didn’t say everything I was thinking. What I was thinking is how concerned I am about her bloated belly and the fact that her stomach always seems to be bothering her. She seems to be a prime candidate for IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). When my sister-in-law said, “That’s not a very nice thing to say to girls”, I justified my action by saying, “It’s okay this time.” I didn’t really think about what I was saying when I said that. I think that’s probably something my brother and/or father might say. I wasn’t too happy about that thought. Then my other niece asked her mom as if I wasn’t in the room, “Why did he say that, Mommy?” Then I said I was concerned about her sister always having a bloated tummy but I suppose I didn’t communicate that very well.
So, now I guess I’ll wait to see what happens next in this family episode. My sister-in-law hasn’t been sleeping well these days for some reason. I suppose that could be taxing and could set her on edge to some extent. But I would imagine there is something that set her off when I took her girls into the waiting room around the corner from my mom’s room. And perhaps there was something else that caused this upset.
Whatever the answer to this perplexing situation, I suppose I should take a step back and try to look at things from a mother’s perspective and then I would like to return to my overwhelming question, “If family is important, so what?”
The thing I don’t know that might be telling as to why my nieces’ mother was upset, if she was in fact upset with me due to how I took care of her daughters while she was gone, taking the girls out of their grandma’s room while their parents were gone, is the feelings of the girls I was taking care of. My oldest niece didn’t seem to be bothered by my telling her that we were going to go to another room so that grandma can have some peace and quiet but my youngest niece didn’t seem to want to go. Nonetheless, neither of them cried and we had a fun time in the waiting room where we went. And I do believe I asked my mom if she’d like us to leave the room for a while so she and my dad could talk for a while. I do believe I had my mom’s best interests in mind, not the girls. Whoops. I’m supposed to see things from my sister-in-law’s side. The only thing I can come up with as to why she would be upset is if she felt like I was taking her daughters away from one of their grandma’s or if I was just power hungry and didn’t think about their grandma, them or my sister-in-law. I wonder what the big deal is. If someone puts someone else in charge, is it reasonable for the person who left to question the other person’s judgment, especially without saying a word about it to the person who was left in charge?
I do think my comment to my niece does deserve some negative criticism. If it were possible to say what I was thinking, I suppose I could’ve (I’m trying to get away from “should”) said, “It seems like your tummy is bloated (What is the equivalent of this that a 4 year-old would understand?). Does it seem like your tummy feels big when your tummy hurts the most (Again, I question how much of this is intelligible to a 4 year-old).” Then again, perhaps I should’ve just kept my thoughts to myself and talked to her parents about it later. I find this kind of situation hopeless no matter how one looks at it.
This is probably analogous of something I’ve been struggling with since Mom got sick. That is, “How can I help my family improve things for Mom?” I find myself sometimes trying to fix things that I can’t really fix. It seems that regarding one of my nieces, it is really none of my business how my brother and his wife deal with her, even though I think that one of their daughters has the same problem I have.
Now for the question about what to do about those members of society who are most important to us, our family. It seems to me that family is important to us. But what does that mean? Does that mean that we drop everything for them? Does that mean that we do things for them that we wouldn’t do for anyone else?
For me, the thing that makes friends, significant others or spouses so valuable is that we get to choose them. And if we don’t get along with those people we call our friends or whatever, we don’t have to continue relationships with them anymore. Sadly, at least in my family, this happens sometimes, too. I wonder if my family and I were only friends if we would still be friends. There is a part of me that is glad that family members are more sticktoitive than that. But then there is another part of me that is perplexed at these kinds of situations where it seems like we do things much more cautiously for the sake of having peace, rather than being more open as it seems I am with some of my closest friends who surely couldn’t be as close as family. But in my case, especially during my college and seminary years, my friends provided me with at least what appeared to be closer relationships. And yet, it is my family that I meet most often when I come home from another country.
Lest this blog suggest that this question is closed by ending in a statement, this subject is not closed. And perhaps it would do me well to think seriously about the difference between friends and family. Do friends fill the void that family members sometimes leave or are they merely the most plausible substitute for a void that only family can fill?
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