It's been way to long since I've posted anything on here. I'd like to get ready for bed but I feel like I have too much energy to go to bed just yet. Besides, I'm so tired these days that it doesn't seem to take away my feelings of exhaustion if I sleep more.
A lot has happened, at least to me, since I last posted on this blog. The biggest thing that has happened is that Sinae and I have decided to prepare for getting married. I haven't proposed to her yet, and I won't say my plans on here in case she is reading along, but we have basically made a decision to move forward in our relationship, being convinced that we love each other so much that we can't imagine our lives without each other.
Prior to that decision, I realized that my self-esteem problems were hindering our relationship and that I was afraid to commit to marriage even though I told Sinae that I had been thinking about her many times in the context of marriage and that I used debt and time as excuses for putting this decision off. The amazing thing is that Sinae discerned all of this through one sentence about me saying I thought we should get married after my debts are paid off. After a long and difficult week we both agreed that we wanted to get married. I've been living in bliss ever since then while also dealing with my own shortcomings that I hope to at least start working through before that blissful day.
For those of you who know me well, you know that self-esteem is a constant problem for me. I realized that even when one is in a romantic relationship with one s/he loves, a low self-esteem continues to be a thorn in my flesh. One of my former professors recommended a few good books to me on this subject and I am debating on whether to buy them now and pay the higher cost of shipping to have them sent to Korean from America or wait until I am in America again. Even though the books may be more expensive I think I should start reading them now.
The two biggest areas where I see my self-esteem holding me back is in terms of my relationship with Sinae as well as in getting things done on a daily basis. I have yet to catch up on grading things that should've been done shortly after the Mid-term exam. I feel a constant war going on inside of me about whether or not I am good enough.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
A Good Weekend
I usually post on here for a specific reason, like if I want to work on my Rule of Life, complain about culture, talk about a problem with Sinae or sort through some of my negative thinking. But I'm not going to do any of that tonight.
Instead, I'm going to talk about my splendid weekend that was quite different than normal. Before I get into it, I am surprised that one of the events that I was looking forward to before, wasn't quite as perfect as I hoped, and then afterward ended up being a good experience.
The start to my weekend was attending the required KOTESOL conference which the university paid for, as well as our membership in the society. I almost renewed my membership with them, but I decided not to and I am glad I did. The two best presentations I saw were the first and the last. The first was about the narrative of those teaching English as a second or foreign language. She is an Australian doing Ph.D. studies on qualitative research. I found this interesting just because she's looking at how teaching in another culture changes one's own beliefs about a variety of things. The last one, which was related to a sales pitch though done much better than any I've seen before, was about incorporating English education with technology. After hearing the statistics about people who are involved with technology, it is no wonder that my students are having trouble communicating in English in my classroom. I'll be posting more about this on my "We Can English" blog. The most interesting and unfortunately, the most difficult for me to stay awake to, was the presentation by a well-known ESL/EFL scholar about vocabulary.
Today, I returned to that area again today in Seoul to meet Sinae for our weekly date. We intended to go to the largest Church of the Nazarene in Seoul but ended up missing that service after making a mistake on the subway. We went to a service at a church near her alma mater this afternoon. The preaching pastor was not the main pastor but she received grace through his sermon and she helped me by writing a few sentences related to what he was saying.
We had many good conversations today about our future and I finished the book, "In Love But Worlds Apart". This book lists a lot of practical questions which I'm going to start e-mailing to Sinae and perhaps posting parts of on here. I am learning that talking on the phone for 4, 5 or 6 hours at a time isn't always the best thing for our relationship because of the language barriers and communication problems that take place over the phone.
And now it's time to get myself to bed in hopes of getting up early enough to get geared up for Mid-Terms which start tomorrow as well as making a telephone call to my parents. It's hard to get a hold of my dad these days since I teach at 9am every Monday morning.
Instead, I'm going to talk about my splendid weekend that was quite different than normal. Before I get into it, I am surprised that one of the events that I was looking forward to before, wasn't quite as perfect as I hoped, and then afterward ended up being a good experience.
The start to my weekend was attending the required KOTESOL conference which the university paid for, as well as our membership in the society. I almost renewed my membership with them, but I decided not to and I am glad I did. The two best presentations I saw were the first and the last. The first was about the narrative of those teaching English as a second or foreign language. She is an Australian doing Ph.D. studies on qualitative research. I found this interesting just because she's looking at how teaching in another culture changes one's own beliefs about a variety of things. The last one, which was related to a sales pitch though done much better than any I've seen before, was about incorporating English education with technology. After hearing the statistics about people who are involved with technology, it is no wonder that my students are having trouble communicating in English in my classroom. I'll be posting more about this on my "We Can English" blog. The most interesting and unfortunately, the most difficult for me to stay awake to, was the presentation by a well-known ESL/EFL scholar about vocabulary.
Today, I returned to that area again today in Seoul to meet Sinae for our weekly date. We intended to go to the largest Church of the Nazarene in Seoul but ended up missing that service after making a mistake on the subway. We went to a service at a church near her alma mater this afternoon. The preaching pastor was not the main pastor but she received grace through his sermon and she helped me by writing a few sentences related to what he was saying.
We had many good conversations today about our future and I finished the book, "In Love But Worlds Apart". This book lists a lot of practical questions which I'm going to start e-mailing to Sinae and perhaps posting parts of on here. I am learning that talking on the phone for 4, 5 or 6 hours at a time isn't always the best thing for our relationship because of the language barriers and communication problems that take place over the phone.
And now it's time to get myself to bed in hopes of getting up early enough to get geared up for Mid-Terms which start tomorrow as well as making a telephone call to my parents. It's hard to get a hold of my dad these days since I teach at 9am every Monday morning.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Things to Do
My life has become serious chaos in recent weeks due to poor time management. If you know me at all, you know this is a big struggle for me. When I was in seminary, I wrote a Rule of Life, which I think would be a good exercise to revisit. I don't remember the exact details but I'd like to start by making a list of all the things I need to incorporate into my schedule in a wholesome manner. Then I'll try organizing all of that and you can also tell me what you think I should do to organize these thoughts.
1. Respond to comments on my English blog.
2. Register attendance online.
3. Research Project
4. Study Korean
5. Devotions
6. Clean my apartment
7. Think about my future and contact the appropriate people.
8. Exercise
9. Read
10. Class Preparation
11. Class Reflection
12. Record grades for assignments
13. Prepare for a new Bible Study
14. Accountability
15. Initiate conversation with someone I don't know.
16. Practice Justice
17. Develop Relationships (i.e. family, Sinae, friends, colleagues etc.)
1. Respond to comments on my English blog.
2. Register attendance online.
3. Research Project
4. Study Korean
5. Devotions
6. Clean my apartment
7. Think about my future and contact the appropriate people.
8. Exercise
9. Read
10. Class Preparation
11. Class Reflection
12. Record grades for assignments
13. Prepare for a new Bible Study
14. Accountability
15. Initiate conversation with someone I don't know.
16. Practice Justice
17. Develop Relationships (i.e. family, Sinae, friends, colleagues etc.)
Monday, September 27, 2010
Determining My Mind
After spending 10 days with Sinae, we came to the most serious dilemma we have faced yet. That is about our visions and specifically where in the world (literally) we are going to live after my contract runs out.
Rather than give the details about what took place there, I want to start dealing with my ideas about returning to St. Louis. This is a safe thing to think about right now because I still have a year-and-a-half left before my contract runs out. If I remember correctly, I went through the same thing a year or so ago and then I decided to sign make contract to stay here longer.
But now this decision involves another person and so I need to start figuring out what I want to do. This dilemma came as a result of me thinking constantly about St. Louis. I guess I see myself settling into an easy life in South Korea at the cost of the reason why I came to Korea in the first place. The reason was that I had more debt than I could manage and that I would return to St. Louis once I had contained the debt enough to invest in helping others.
So therein lies the first goal of this dilemma of whether or not to return to St. Louis. I'm hoping to be debt-free in 2 years but that is something I aimed for nearly two years ago and I am just getting to the point where all I have left to pay are my school loans.
The second major factor that leads me to wonder about returning to St. Louis is the dreams I've been having lately, combined with a sense of guilt for leaving St. Louis and wondering what might have happened if I would've stayed. Recently, I dreamed of when I first started moving things to St. Louis before I officially moved to St. Louis. While most of this guilt as about St. Louis, there is also some guilt about leaving Kansas City.
I've contacted one pastor that I connected with well during the short time that I was in St. Louis. I am waiting for his reply and hoping for a telephone conversation in the near future. I'm curious if I could continue down the line of ordination if I were to live in another part of South Korea, not working for a Nazarene-affiliated position, as well as what possibilities I might be eligible for regarding working with Asian communities after having lived in Korea for four years (As of the time when my contract will have ended).
My next plan of action will be to contact the pastors I worked with as a volunteer at the church I attended. I had a difficult time working with them at times perhaps because of the idealism I had about ministry. Nonetheless, I think they were patient with me overall, though perhaps a little disappointed that I didn't practice what I preached about building relationships with people in the neighborhood where I lived.
After this, there is just the matter of exploring community development, the field I'd like to work in if I do end up moving back to St. Louis. And after that, all that seems to be left are my mentors around the US as well as the people I know in Korea.
The main question, as it seems to me, is whether this is just a pipe-dream I will fantasize about for the rest of my life or if this is some kind of vocational calling. Is this something that I MUST return to St. Louis for or is it something I could actualize in South Korea just as much as I could in St. Louis or another major city in the US or somewhere else in the world.
I remember when I was living in the US and how grateful I was for the opportunity to live in another country for a while. I didn't get the opportunity to visit St. Louis so I'm not sure about the pull in that direction. But when I visited there the year before, I think it was hard for me to leave St. Louis.
Will you pray with me and offer me guidance on this serious matter that has consequences not only on my life but on Sinae's as well as we both consider the plausibility of our relationship regarding this serious discussion?
Rather than give the details about what took place there, I want to start dealing with my ideas about returning to St. Louis. This is a safe thing to think about right now because I still have a year-and-a-half left before my contract runs out. If I remember correctly, I went through the same thing a year or so ago and then I decided to sign make contract to stay here longer.
But now this decision involves another person and so I need to start figuring out what I want to do. This dilemma came as a result of me thinking constantly about St. Louis. I guess I see myself settling into an easy life in South Korea at the cost of the reason why I came to Korea in the first place. The reason was that I had more debt than I could manage and that I would return to St. Louis once I had contained the debt enough to invest in helping others.
So therein lies the first goal of this dilemma of whether or not to return to St. Louis. I'm hoping to be debt-free in 2 years but that is something I aimed for nearly two years ago and I am just getting to the point where all I have left to pay are my school loans.
The second major factor that leads me to wonder about returning to St. Louis is the dreams I've been having lately, combined with a sense of guilt for leaving St. Louis and wondering what might have happened if I would've stayed. Recently, I dreamed of when I first started moving things to St. Louis before I officially moved to St. Louis. While most of this guilt as about St. Louis, there is also some guilt about leaving Kansas City.
I've contacted one pastor that I connected with well during the short time that I was in St. Louis. I am waiting for his reply and hoping for a telephone conversation in the near future. I'm curious if I could continue down the line of ordination if I were to live in another part of South Korea, not working for a Nazarene-affiliated position, as well as what possibilities I might be eligible for regarding working with Asian communities after having lived in Korea for four years (As of the time when my contract will have ended).
My next plan of action will be to contact the pastors I worked with as a volunteer at the church I attended. I had a difficult time working with them at times perhaps because of the idealism I had about ministry. Nonetheless, I think they were patient with me overall, though perhaps a little disappointed that I didn't practice what I preached about building relationships with people in the neighborhood where I lived.
After this, there is just the matter of exploring community development, the field I'd like to work in if I do end up moving back to St. Louis. And after that, all that seems to be left are my mentors around the US as well as the people I know in Korea.
The main question, as it seems to me, is whether this is just a pipe-dream I will fantasize about for the rest of my life or if this is some kind of vocational calling. Is this something that I MUST return to St. Louis for or is it something I could actualize in South Korea just as much as I could in St. Louis or another major city in the US or somewhere else in the world.
I remember when I was living in the US and how grateful I was for the opportunity to live in another country for a while. I didn't get the opportunity to visit St. Louis so I'm not sure about the pull in that direction. But when I visited there the year before, I think it was hard for me to leave St. Louis.
Will you pray with me and offer me guidance on this serious matter that has consequences not only on my life but on Sinae's as well as we both consider the plausibility of our relationship regarding this serious discussion?
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
The Latest on Mom
It's been a while since I wrote anything about how Mom is doing. Since I just talked to her on the phone, I figured this might be a good time to give you the latest.
Mom is no longer using a wound vac. Because of a yeast infection they took the wound vac off of Mom and once the infection was gone they said Mom no longer needed the wound vac.
This does not mean that Mom's incision is completely healed. It still has another inch until it has grown completely together. I think Mom is a little concerned that this isn't happening as fast as when I was sick but I suspect that a difference in age and procedures has a little bit to do with this. Mom is still seeing some puss in her incision but apparently this is no reason for concern as far as the doctors are concerned.
Mom is still on medicine for reducing her blood sugar. Mom's blood sugar is usually low unless she has something sweet. I'm hopeful that this means she will be released from the blood sugar pill.
When I called Mom and Dad last Sunday night (American time) they were driving around and planning on going shopping. These are all very good signs to me and Mom seems to look forward to these outings. I think her anticipation to get outside of the house is a good sign as far as her health is concerned.
The second surgery hasn't been confirmed yet, but it will probably be sometime in January or February. Mom is hoping for sometime in February since her birthday is in January and she doesn't want to be bogged down during that time. She's also itching to take care of her granddaughters again.
While it is has been difficult for Mom with Dad and Bruce working so much and me being in another country, JoAnn has been good about going to help Mom in the afternoon and Mom has a friend, Laurie, who is a nurse who has been a Godsend for Mom.
Mom is no longer using a wound vac. Because of a yeast infection they took the wound vac off of Mom and once the infection was gone they said Mom no longer needed the wound vac.
This does not mean that Mom's incision is completely healed. It still has another inch until it has grown completely together. I think Mom is a little concerned that this isn't happening as fast as when I was sick but I suspect that a difference in age and procedures has a little bit to do with this. Mom is still seeing some puss in her incision but apparently this is no reason for concern as far as the doctors are concerned.
Mom is still on medicine for reducing her blood sugar. Mom's blood sugar is usually low unless she has something sweet. I'm hopeful that this means she will be released from the blood sugar pill.
When I called Mom and Dad last Sunday night (American time) they were driving around and planning on going shopping. These are all very good signs to me and Mom seems to look forward to these outings. I think her anticipation to get outside of the house is a good sign as far as her health is concerned.
The second surgery hasn't been confirmed yet, but it will probably be sometime in January or February. Mom is hoping for sometime in February since her birthday is in January and she doesn't want to be bogged down during that time. She's also itching to take care of her granddaughters again.
While it is has been difficult for Mom with Dad and Bruce working so much and me being in another country, JoAnn has been good about going to help Mom in the afternoon and Mom has a friend, Laurie, who is a nurse who has been a Godsend for Mom.
Everybody needs their independence, but when?
I learned today that different cultures view independence in different ways. Not only is the definition of independence different, but so is the timing of it.
For most of my life, I seem to recall always dreaming of when I might be set free from the limitations of living with my parents. I presume this to be part of the American dream. Before today, I thought this was the normal thought of people around the world, and perhaps even on other planets.
But I learned that is not the case, especially for Korean women. Instead, it is apparently traditional for Korean women to live with their parents until they get married. The exception to this may be when one goes to college (aka university) or when one is offered a job in another city or when one's own family can't support him or herself, or perhaps when one should support his or her family.
This means that when someone gets married they may have had little or no independent, single experience which makes the transition from the single to the married life much more stressful. Not only do you go from being dependent on others making choices for you or at least helping you make choices to having to make your own choices but your choices also have consequences not only for you but for the person you are in a covenant relationship.
This was very hard for me to swallow. I think it is mostly because of my own experiences. I cannot imagine having to live with my parents for the last 32 years with the exception of going to college. Even though that is a dependence of sorts it is not the same as having to pay rent every month and deal with maintenance issues that you can't simply report to the Resident Assistant (RA) or his/her superior.
This conversation opened up a whole new can of worms as far as my thinking is concerned.
For most of my life, I seem to recall always dreaming of when I might be set free from the limitations of living with my parents. I presume this to be part of the American dream. Before today, I thought this was the normal thought of people around the world, and perhaps even on other planets.
But I learned that is not the case, especially for Korean women. Instead, it is apparently traditional for Korean women to live with their parents until they get married. The exception to this may be when one goes to college (aka university) or when one is offered a job in another city or when one's own family can't support him or herself, or perhaps when one should support his or her family.
This means that when someone gets married they may have had little or no independent, single experience which makes the transition from the single to the married life much more stressful. Not only do you go from being dependent on others making choices for you or at least helping you make choices to having to make your own choices but your choices also have consequences not only for you but for the person you are in a covenant relationship.
This was very hard for me to swallow. I think it is mostly because of my own experiences. I cannot imagine having to live with my parents for the last 32 years with the exception of going to college. Even though that is a dependence of sorts it is not the same as having to pay rent every month and deal with maintenance issues that you can't simply report to the Resident Assistant (RA) or his/her superior.
This conversation opened up a whole new can of worms as far as my thinking is concerned.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
You are alone.
This morning we met a conflict about the problem we had recently resolved. And the cause of the conflict? Cultural and language differences. It's funny what a difference there is between saying, "You are alone" and "You are lonely".
Sinae's friend Jeongsu tried to explain the differences between Korean and American culture to me per her request. But I knew nothing about this because he went right into the explanation of this without saying, "Sinae has asked me to talk to you about..." so I felt like they were ganging up on me. And then when he said, "You are alone" as in nobody else thinks the way you do that was the straw that broke the camel's back. What he meant to say is that "You must feel like you are alone" or "You are probably lonely living in another country" but those words "You are alone" stung. So I said I didn't want to talk about this and that pretty much ended the possibility of talking about anything.
I was so aggravated and shocked that whatever chance I had of understanding the sermon in Korean was eliminated so I decided to arrange my thoughts by writing four pages in a notebook while the pastor was preaching. This turned out well since it helped me to prepare for a frank conversation with Sinae and Jeongsu. As is normal with me, I had misunderstood the whole situation.
But I learned something valuable about cultural differences. First, the definition of "friend" seemed to be more related to activities and commonality than intention (I'm still not sure I'm understanding this right). Second, it is normal for one friend to explain to his friend's boyfriend an issue that her boyfriend may not understand from her (I don't understand Sinae's perspective so she asks her friend to explain the situation to me).
I'm so very glad that we were able to resolve this issue between the three of us and I hope that we have not only a stronger relationship between Sinae and I but also between Jeongsu and I.
Sinae's friend Jeongsu tried to explain the differences between Korean and American culture to me per her request. But I knew nothing about this because he went right into the explanation of this without saying, "Sinae has asked me to talk to you about..." so I felt like they were ganging up on me. And then when he said, "You are alone" as in nobody else thinks the way you do that was the straw that broke the camel's back. What he meant to say is that "You must feel like you are alone" or "You are probably lonely living in another country" but those words "You are alone" stung. So I said I didn't want to talk about this and that pretty much ended the possibility of talking about anything.
I was so aggravated and shocked that whatever chance I had of understanding the sermon in Korean was eliminated so I decided to arrange my thoughts by writing four pages in a notebook while the pastor was preaching. This turned out well since it helped me to prepare for a frank conversation with Sinae and Jeongsu. As is normal with me, I had misunderstood the whole situation.
But I learned something valuable about cultural differences. First, the definition of "friend" seemed to be more related to activities and commonality than intention (I'm still not sure I'm understanding this right). Second, it is normal for one friend to explain to his friend's boyfriend an issue that her boyfriend may not understand from her (I don't understand Sinae's perspective so she asks her friend to explain the situation to me).
I'm so very glad that we were able to resolve this issue between the three of us and I hope that we have not only a stronger relationship between Sinae and I but also between Jeongsu and I.
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