I'm Prejudiced

I hope I spelled that right. This is my latest, and perhaps the most difficult revelation, that has come to my attention. I've been having a lot of battles with my wife. I thought, perhaps we thought, it was because of vision or my wanting to become an ordained minister of some kind, but it seems that the real problem is prejudice? My crime? I apparently thought that if a Korean woman loved me at all it was because I am an American and that I could be her ticket to freedom. Fortunate for me, for a lot of growth, I didn't marry a Korean who was scouting her odds of being matched up with an American. Somehow she just fell in love with this odd duck. If you know me at all, you may be either thinking what a hypocrite I am or perhaps you are one of my many good friends who thinks I need to cut myself a little slack. To be honest with you, I'm not sure where I stand myself. I will say there is a strange sense of peace after going out and shopping by myself, something I probably haven't done since I got married. And one of the shocking places I found myself was in the car section. Actually, that shouldn't be so shocking. I've been into cars since I was in elementary or middle school. My first vow of independence to myself and God was to show my dad and brother that I could fix a car on my own. I mostly succeeded at that, except when I tried to change ball joints on my '78 Ford Fairmont and I wound up taking the whole front end apart. I learned a lot but the mechanic wasn't happy with me at all. And here I am, under different circumstances, and the same feeling of peace and confusion and disappointment, all at the same time. I suppose things will be okay. I hope they will. But the blessing and the curse of this mystery that there is no certainty on how everything will turn out. But something tells me I am right where I need to be, which makes me all the more indebted to my wife who happens to be from another country. I hope I can learn to see her as my wife without the culture or the ethnicity. Does she really see me that way?

In Motion

It's been a while since I've posted anything. I would say that means life is busy and good for me. Today I hit a bump in the road by "settling" into married life. It seems ironic to me how a very simple action or no action can turn into a big problem. I suppose the same could be true, stated from a positive standpoint. If a person does a small thing, it could turn into something big. When Lent started on Ash Wednesday, I vowed to go to early morning prayer meetings called, "Early Morning Prayer Meetings (새벽기도회, saebyeokkidohwae)". I started off doing well, since it was vacation. I would get up around 4:30, go to the prayer meeting at 5:00, exercise after leaving church and then coming home to take a nap. Once the semester started, I didn't have a chance to take a nap but I still felt good about getting up early in the morning and I found that my sense of shame diminished as well. Then I decided to treat myself to a morning of sleeping in and my commitment was broken. So now I am left with the dilemma of what to do now that Lent is nearly over and what I will do after Easter comes. To tell you the truth, I feel like I have said sorry to God so many times that there is no forgiveness left.

From "The Notebook" to "Forest Gump"

I've been thinking a lot about the past lately...perhaps too much. Watching "The Notebook" stirred up some raw emotions in me. It reminded me of my own past and things I've been struggling with lately. It seems to make one think a lot about choice, though the gist of the movie seems to be about loyalty to the person one loves. Then I watched "Forest Gump", a movie about a guy who seems to be doing his own thing but then winds up making a significant difference. Of course the movie deals with destiny from time to time. And I found myself at the altar of a Sovereign God this morning. My life has taken some interesting turns lately. I met a woman whom I expected to simply learn Korean from while she learned English, though I probably expected a little bit more. We fell in love and now we've been married for almost seven months. We didn't believe it at the time but things just fell together between us and our families accepting each other and now we are focusing on developing a healthy relationship with each other before we have children. Sometimes I really feel like I am my own worst enemy. If Satan is real, I could pretty easily convince myself that I am my own Satan. I find myself thinking back to the friends I had before I got married. Even though I didn't date them, I now see the emotional bond I had with them and why it was so important to my wife to cut those ties in order to be faithful to her. I wish that someone I could tell all of them thanks for all the things they taught me and that I'm sorry we couldn't be friends forever. I thought we could. But that we carry those memories with us. Some of those friends I didn't even bid goodbye to because I thought it would be rude to say, "I can't talk to you anymore because I'm getting married." And there is still a part of me that hopes that in God's sovereignty that those friends can somehow naturally become friends with my wife someday. Sounds impossible? With God, all things are possible, are they not? But lest I set myself up for disappointment, for now, I'm content entrusting those friends in God's loving care. After all, God can do more for them than I ever could.

A Shameless Time?

I haven't done cognitive therapy for a while. Does that mean I'm cured? This tends to happen until I have more stress or feel stupid for doing something wrong and then it is back to the Cognitive Therapy. I went to a meeting tonight about curriculum-development where I teach. I went with the mindset that I was going to learn but that I wasn't going to listen passively. I was certainly not passive but I don't know that I asked the questions in a comfortable way. However, I think asking those questions helped me to learn more. That seems a little odd since I am an INTJ. The time is currently 1:28 Korean Standard Time and I am debating whether to stay awake while I try to translate some surveys or if I should just go to bed. I'm trying to get a head-start so that I can spend some time with Sinae tomorrow. She's got cabin fever from hanging out in the apartment all the time. Sinae and I have been watching "Ghost Whisperers" which starts out family-friendly and then it gets more and more scary all the time. I'm also not sure whether showing a woman getting dressed is family-friendly. Speaking of family-friendly, I showed Sinae clips from "I Love Lucy" and "Home Improvement" and I told her how America was at one time family-oriented in terms of the way TV shows were presented. I wrote a paper on this when I was in high school from a more condescending perspective but I tried to tell Sinae in a more matter-of-fact way. This is a little more random than what I usually write about. I just wanted to put something fresh on here. I am being encouraged by people who leave comments and by those who don't. One of my friends reminded me of another perspective on facial gestures which I will post on that blog sometime in the near future.

Off With My Head...or at least my face

Sinae and I are learning that the greatest barrier in my relationship is my face. When we were dating, and even now that we have gotten married, she told me how handsome my face is. But now that we are meeting people and I can't hide my emotions, it is keeping her from enjoying company. So here I sit, wondering what on earth to do. I don't recall being told this reality by any American women but I suppose it happened. I tend to think this is not a bad thing. What human being is actually able to control her/his emotions all of the time to the point that s/he doesn't show what s/he is thinking. I believe I will become a hermit or at the most, interact with animals. I am trying not to protest this new revelation, though I find it difficult to fathom. At best, this is just cultural differences and I am afraid of what it might be at worst. Before I got married, I wanted to marry someone from a different culture, such as a black American, a Latina or a Korean. I thought the Bible talked about people coming together from different nations. Now I have to wonder if that notion is a downright lie because cultural norms seem to be laws by which we judge a person's morale. And it's amazing just how different our morale can be from one country to another. I'd invite you to join me in being a hermit, but somehow I guess that would defeat the purpose and you too might be offended by my facial expressions.

Still Trying to Grow

I continued my quest to grow through Cognitive Therapy by making files via the computer to use for sorting through my numerous negative thoughts. I'm hoping this will help me not just think about myself more positively but that it will also improve my quality of life by changing my behavior. I think today may have been a good start. I was with my wife all day today and we both seemed to enjoy each others' company. We were also doing different things though we were in each others' presence all day. Cognitive therapy is the beginning. I hope that during this vacation, and in the New Year, that I will find a renewed experience with God and that God will find me and renew me in a way I haven't known for a long time. However, regardless of what happens, I aim to continue my pursuit of truth in all facets, and I hope you'll join me whoever you are and wherever you are. I'll also try to be honest about what I am experiencing. Perhaps we can start the year fresh, together, as one people seeking for truth and finding it in the numerous ways that God reveals Godself to us.

Back to the basics...again

It's 12:50am and I am starting again at Ground Zero. No, there are no disasters. I'm still employed. I'm happily married, though my wife and I have hit a bump in the road with what language to communicate in. But I think my struggles with shame were the predecessor. I would like to trace my Christian experience from the time I got married. You may recall that I was thinking pretty seriously about Calvinism for a while. That was because I couldn't believe that there was a beautiful woman in this world who could love me for who I am and say to me, "No matter what, I will be here." I learned differently when I got married, that such a thing is true. I think we can call this the Honeymoon. And since my wife seemed to accept me unconditionally, I thought that God would have to accept me that way. I still believe my wife accepts me unconditionally, but I don't think that means she is indifferent to the way I act (aka the way I treat or her fellow Koreans). I'm learning that it is the unconditional love that has such high expectations and it is that unconditional love that confronts me to be different. It says something like, "You're stuck with me forever, Buddy. Are you gonna change or do you wanna make us miserable for the rest of your life?" So I'm learning that marriage doesn't make me perfect and it doesn't remove the many weaknesses that I have. I now think that it doesn't even cover up those weaknesses, whether they be minor or major. I would've thought that my weakness in cooking would be pretty minor but now I am finding myself dreading meals because I'm afraid of making a mistake. I really hate the feeling of not knowing what to do. Of course I can cook for myself, but cooking for someone else is another story. When I first got married, I found myself being more conservative and less cynical about God. Now I suspect I was replacing my relationship with God with my relationship with my wife. In other words, if things are good with my wife, and if we pray together then things with God must be good. Yet I hear God calling me back to God in a way I haven't heard in a long time. It seems to be as much God calling me back as it is a thirst in my heart to find God NO MATTER WHAT! So here I am. I suppose I'm making progress and successes (Something I will share more about when it becomes official) but that big capital S (Shame) is still hanging over me and it haunts me everywhere I go. You know where it has plagued me the most? In the classes I have taught. It seems that I extended the shame I feel to my students. And now I've extended it to my wife as well. So what am I going to do? I've been reading, "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David D. Burns. This is the same writer of "Feeling Good" which I highly recommended about a year or so ago. In his second book he recommends doing Cognitive Therapy fifteen minutes every day. So I'm finally going to start that tonight. So here is to yet another beginning back to the basics. That means pushing aside that constant nagging that I'm not being a good enough Christian unless I'm helping the poor (I might mention that voice still hangs around even when I am teaching English to children who can't afford to go to an academy, though I'm suspicious now that I see them with smartphones). I'm also going to cool it with the voice that tells me I need to move to another country or just go back home. I'm going to follow my favorite pastor's advice and stay where I am until God moves me. And I'm going to read the Bible, pray and look for ways to love my neighbor. That's my wife, the people who live on both sides of my apartment, the professors next to my office, the people I work with and the students I teach. Will you keep me accountable to this and call me on the carpet, so to speak, when I get all idealistic and poor-hungry? You can join me, too...if you want.