See you later...Farewell to a friend who became family

This morning I heard the sad news that Elmer Hays, a long-time family friend who was more like family, passed away. He had been sick for quite a well and from what I hear he had been praying to be sent home away from a body that was inflicting so much pain.

I realized tonight when I started crying after seeing his obituary, apparently the realization that his passing wasn't simply a nasty rumor, that he was a significant piece to me being who I am today, one of the many people that is easy to take for granted for all the good things that have taken place in my life in spite of the many difficulties. In fact, I think talking about him is right in line with my ongoing discussion with my reflections on shame.

When I was a little boy (I'm sure that is a classic storyline, right?) my mom babysat four boys who demanded a lot of attention. I'm sure my brother blended right in with them but apparently Elmer realized this wasn't the case more than anybody else. At some point, he noticed that I hardly even talked amongst the rest of the clan and he had a talk with my dad about this which I'm sure was pretty forceful. I don't know what was said but I don't think it was too long after that Mom didn't babysit those four brothers anymore. And from what my dad tells me, I started coming out of my shell. Thanks, Elmer, for telling me then and so many years later, "You're important."

I remember one time when Elmer took Mom, my older brother Bruce and I to Mom's hometown in the company van. On the way there or back, Elmer spotted a turtle on the highway and pulled over so he could rescue that turtle and give it to Bruce and I to take care of. Of course the rest of the story is that in one of my moments of selfishness the turtle got away because Bruce went inside to use the bathroom and I was ordered to watch the turtle. That didn't seem too exciting to me, especially being ordered around by my brother. Anyway, thanks Elmer, for telling the turtle, "You're important."

It's funny how much pressure I put on myself to be an outgoing person and say all the right things. When I think of Elmer I remember four things: his eyes, his beard, his smile and his hand that I always shook when we met. The most impressionable part of him to me was his eyes for it was with his eyes that he told me, "You're important." I still remember that look so many years after seeing him face to face.

One of the later memories I have of him, perhaps the last of him when he was in really good health, was when I was attending a Bible school about 45 minutes from Elmer and Francee's house. I somehow wound up visiting them one night and we talked about my confusion about eternal security. Elmer seemed to agree wholeheartedly with my dad on that issue but he gave a slightly different interpretation that was beneficial to me. Once again I heard him say, "You're important."

Elmer was also very respectful to Dad. There was a time in my life when I didn't respect my dad as much as I do now and Elmer told me what a good friend Dad was. That made me really proud. I heard him say, "You're dad is important and so are you."

It may sound like I'm exaggerating that point but I think in most if not all of my interactions with Elmer that was the message I got the most from him. What you may not know about Elmer is that he was a big man and he gave me the impression that he could get mad at somebody and even hurt them if he really wanted to. And yet in his dealings with me, and this was probably his real personality, he was as tender of a person as anyone could ever meet.

I'm sorry to Elmer Hays for all the times that I doubted myself and felt like the whole world was turning against me, including myself, that I forgot what you always said to me: "You're important." I also know that you're important and I will never forget all the good things you did for me. And thanks for saying a word to Dad to give me the love and attention that I needed. I suppose I was worthy of that but your actions were most definitely an act of grace.

Houston, We've Got A Problem!

Wow! That's my response after reading the chapter for tonight from Feeling Good. Here I thought I had made all kinds of progress and it turns out I'm still thinking in some majorly unhealthy ways. How does a guy who falls in love with philosophy and logical thinking get so messed up in his own thinking and perception of day-to-day kinds of issues?

The first part starts out well with some common statements about figuring out what causes one's depression and how important it is to deal with that in order to get down to the root of one's depression. There's even a practical method for figuring this out.

It's the test that comes next, proposed as an alternative, easier way to evaluate oneself, that was so alarming to me. In all six areas including approval, love, achievement, perfectionism, entitlement, omnipotence and autonomy, I scored in the negative. The good news is that if I take the coming chapters serious and use the tools of the book, I may be able to overcome these challenges. The bad news is that I must be bringing on this depression myself just because of the way I think. I've been told a number of times that I think too much, but I would say that my problem is not in thinking but just in thinking inappropriately. I suppose not thinking would cut the source and perhaps end my bad thinking.

I had an interesting conversation with a colleague who is helping me with a research program. The truth is that Nahk Bohk should have cast me out of his office a long time ago. The irony is that those things which would seem negative to me like my English communication-skills seeming less fluent than a native speaker usually is, my negative thinking, my complaints about the universities policies, and my lacking the appearance of a preacher and being much gloomier than any other Christian he'd encountered were the very things that made him want to be friends with me. Now I don't quite get this. It would seem like these things are vices and he would want to steer clear of me, but after giving him plenty of reasons not to tell me to come back, he kept inviting me back. Now I think Lewis B. Smedes would call this grace.

The Difference Between Sadness and Depression

I just took the BDC (Burns Depression Checklist) and I scored a 21, which he classifies as mild depression. That might sound bad but it is a huge improved compared to my two previous tests which I scored in the moderate depression category. That means I am making progress. I feel like I've had major victory this evening. My upper left side was hurting earlier today so I started to worry that I might have to have gall bladder surgery or that I might have to have kidney stones removed. I decided to take a nap to see if a little rest my help. I found myself waking up and feeling pain on my sides (which may be the result of exercising for the first time in quite a while last night). When I woke up I found myself shoulding myself as usual and I found that I had a sick feeling as I started to search for the Korean sitcom I've been watching lately. In that moment, I decided to stop feeling guilty for something I was enjoying and I have had a superb evening. I haven't gotten anxious by not receiving a text message from Sinae and I have just enjoyed being alone in my apartment without the anxiety that I SHOULD go out and meet some people somehow. I am planning on going running like I did last night but because I WANT to not because I HAVE TO.

I read some encouraging stories tonight of people who became depressed because of situations they were in. One person was diagnosed with cancer, one person had a spouse who lost a limb, another person lost his job and still another person felt guilty for giving her brother information which he used to kill himself, his fourth suicide attempt that caused his death.

The biggest lesson I learned through all of this which was probably more of a reminder than a lesson is that my worth is independent of my productivity. So if I get a lot done on the research or if I only get a little bit done, that doesn't take away from my worth as a human being. This gives me a lot of freedom as far as meeting the professor I have a meeting with tomorrow to talk about this research with. I'm also hoping to be a lot more patient with him when I don't understand what he is saying or when it seems he doesn't understand what I am saying.

Another important lesson from this chapter is that their are events that cause us to feel genuine sadness but these are authentic external events that do not cause us to feel a loss of self-esteem, such as when a family member dies or when we experience another kind of loss. If these events cause us to have a loss of self-esteem and lead us into an extended period of sadness that debilitates us in some sense that may be a symptom of depression caused by a cognitive distortion.

Ironically, today is my friend Jake Hoover's birthday and it is also the day that my maternal grandmother passed away, three days after my casual friend Jerod Krohn passed away. As I think of those events on this day, I do feel a certain level of sadness but not a loss of self-esteem. I think especially of my grandma whom I had a lot of contention with but whom I know really cared about me and I feel her love today, especially as I remember her smile. And I also remember Jerod's smile as he and I were able to have comfortable conversation even though we seemed to be very different. He was very well-liked by most of the students at the university and seemed to have a lot of friends whereas I was busy working as many hours as possible so that I wouldn't have to face the person I saw in the mirror who couldn't make friends easily.

Obviously, there is some shame there. I did eventually stop working so many hours and at this time in 2003 I found it almost impossible to finish my homework for any class, particularly philosophy. I had been seeing a counselor at that time but for some reason we didn't address the issues of shame that I was feeling at that time.

Thou Shalt Not Should!

Here comes another post about how I shouldn't should. I've been in my apartment all day today with no interaction with the outside world until tonight when I decided to try exercising to see if I could rid myself of the horrible way I felt. This feeling is normal for me at the end of the day when I have been alone in my apartment. I'm not sure if it is a matter of missing Sinae or if I am shoulding myself about all the work that I didn't get done.

After a joyous conversation with Sinae, and no fighting in spite of my bad emotions, I decided to pursue this emotion further by reading the next chapter in "Feeling Good" which speaks to the issue of guilt. The aspects of this chapter that I heard over and over again are that we depressed folk tend to should ourselves into depression. Rather than sharing the methods Dr. Burns advises for working through these emotions, I thought it might be interesting to list the "shoulds" I have felt today with a possible exception in brackets.

1. I should have gotten up earlier [which means I should've gone to bed earlier].
2. I shouldn't have gotten up so late [even though I went to bed late and it IS my vacation].
3. I should have finished reading all the articles I borrowed for my meeting on Wednesday [even though I received them on Wednesday not knowing how long I would stay at Sinae's house].
4. I should do the dishes.
5. I should clean this apartment.
6. I should always be joyful, whether I am alone or I am with people.
7. I should pray for a long time.
8. I should exercise.
9. I shouldn't watch tv for two hours.
10. It shouldn't take me so long to eat dinner [even though it is difficult to eat dinner while watching tv when I have to read all of the subtitles of an hour-long drama that takes longer when I have to download it in 15-minute increments].
11. I should talk on the phone as long as Sinae wants to talk.
12. I should understand if my family seems to be uneasy about my relationship with someone from another country.
13. I should study Korean [even though it seems difficult to do all things in a day that I want to do].
14. I should do something for fun.
15. I should go to sleep [even though I'm not really tired after drinking coffee, exercising and having a delightful telephone conversation with Sinae].
16. I shouldn't feel guilty [even though this may be a natural feeling and just because I feel guilty doesn't mean that I am guilty].

As you can see, it is difficult for me to change some of these statements into "non-should" statements.

Here is an example of something that turned out differently than "should've" happened. As I wrote previously I was extremely nervous, or perhaps scared would be more accurate, about meeting Sinae's family. Since both of her parents were previously suspicious of our relationship working out, not to mention the fact that I don't speak Korean well, I'm a foreigner and I've never done a full bow properly before, I think I really believed that they shouldn't accept me.

If you are expecting me to report that Sinae's parents and family did NOT seem to accept me, I am sorry to disappoint you. Yes, that means that Sinae's family did seem to accept me, even her dad, which was a total surprise to me. By the time I arrived at her house I did my best to believe that things would turn out well. Somehow, Sinae's mom seemed to be as comfortable with me as she could've been in spite of my limited Korean ability and not being a Korean and her dad even expressed enjoying meeting me on the day I left. This was a big lesson for me in believing the impossible can be possible and that I might actually be a better person than I give myself credit for. I think I was happier as a result of this Lunar New Year experience with Sinae's family than I have been prior to that experience. That also gave me a chance to see Sinae in complete relaxed form and it proved to me how much Sinae really loves me. Even though I'm sure we could persevere if her family didn't approve of me it is a big blessing to me that they are receiving me and this is clearly a sign of Amazing Grace. How else is it possible for Sinae's parents to have changed their minds about me. As it turned out, Sinae was right all the millions of times she told me that if her parents get a chance to meet me and get to know me, they will like me.

The Power of Negative-Thinking

I thought I was doing really well with managing my thoughts on paper yesterday until I started boiling as Sinae and I started talking about the big event of me meeting her parents. As this event gets closer, I am getting more and more nervous. And I think it is because I have the idea that this is not going to go well, which is the cognitive distortion that David D. Burns calls, "Bad Fortune Teller". Then I am also shoulding myself into thinking that I have to be nervous about this event and that I can't just be happy about the joyous occasion of meeting Sinae's parents. Needless to say, for reasons I don't understand myself, that boiling resulted in me using a sharp tone with Sinae and we have been on rocky ground since. It seems like we might be coming around but it is still hard to say at this point.

Which makes a good segue into Dr. Burns' sixth chapter, which talks about more productive ways to manage disagreements. There is a lot in this chapter that speaks to the ways I erroneously respond when Sinae and I start arguing. Of course my struggles go back long before I met Sinae and I recall the way people on my father's side criticized me and how I felt like my self-esteem was always being tampered with. Dr. Burns does well in showing some practical ways of investigating the accusations by asking questions of time and location, when and where I did such and such, and also by finding something to agree with what the person says, even if the accusation is entirely false.

I hope I can put these things into practice, especially in my relationship with Sinae, so that I stop feeling like I am being attacked and so that I can start to really hear her out on ways that I can improve myself and also my relationship with her.

By the way, I am amazed by how Dr. Burns sets himself against many if not most psychotherapists, and Freud himself.

Write It Down

It's taken me a few days to make it through the fourth chapter of Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy partly because I've been trying to get more rest since I have had a serious cold the last week or so. But I finally got back into it, today. And the main thing he talks about in this chapter is the importance of writing down negative thoughts.

He presents a number of methods for evaluating such thoughts, framing them in a distortion (i.e. All or nothing) and suggesting an alternative positive response. I'm going to work on that right now regarding something negative that's been going through my head. I'll lead you know whether it helps me in my thought processes or not.

After reading this chapter, I feel more hopeful that I can overcome my negative thought processes, but that this is going to require work. Dr. Burns recommends taking 15 minutes to process such negative thoughts but I think my processing will require more time. We'll see.

"You just simply have to adjust the dials." David D. Burns, M.D.

Tonight I resume my discussion of David D. Burns book, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. This chapter includes some blunt statements about the ways in which we depressed folks alter reality in ways equivalent to world-renowned majicians. I'll start with a list of these ways.

1. All-or-Nothing Thinking: This is pretty self-explanatory. As an example, consider my apartment in the current state it is in. I've been thinking that I should clean it for some time but I don't want to do it until I can clean it perfectly. That means I have to take a whole day to clean it up to my expectations. Meanwhile, dishes are piling up in the sink, papers and books are piling on my desk and dust continues to gather on the floor, not to mention the bags of recyclable products that need to go outside.

2. Overgeneralization: This is the assumption that if something bad happens once, it will always work out that way. Another example of this from my personal life would be in regard to my efforts to communicate with people in Korean. Recently, during English Camp, people had a hard time understanding me when I tried to say, "영어 캠프는 거의 끝냈어요 (English Camp is almost finished)". If I am applying the distortion of overgeneralization, I would tend to think that NOBODY will be able to understand me when I say the Korean word for "finished" and I could carry it to the next level and say that nobody will EVER be able to understand what I say in Korean.

3. Mental Filter: This is where a person picks out a negative aspect of a particular situation and focuses only on that negative aspect. This distortion has probably made itself known best in my view of the world and all of its problems. For example, there was a time when I first came to South Korea when it seemed like there was nothing but bad news and I became very depressed as I felt overwhelmed about making any difference in the world, not considering the good things that people were doing in the word.

4. Disqualifying the Positive: Dr. Burns gives the example of somebody saying something nice and the receiver of the compliment thinking, "Oh, they're just being nice" (35). This happens to me when somebody tells me I'm a good teacher and I respond by saying or thinking, "If I'm such a good teacher then how come my students don't speak English better?" I suspect there is another distortion going on here as well.

5. Jumping to Conclusions: Dr. Burns divides this into two categories, (1) Mind-reading and (2) The Fortune Teller Error (37). The former is where one assumes that a person is acting in a certain way for a certain reason. Recently I e-mailed two professors about working at an NGO in Korea. Neither of them responded so I assumed they just didn't want to have any kind of correspondence with me, not considering the possibilities that they didn't receive the e-mail, they didn't understand the e-mail since it was written in Korean or that they simply forget to respond.

In the latter category, this is defined as predicting things will go a certain way. We call this self-fulfilled prophecy. I suppose I've seen this in my relationship with Sinae where I have a feeling that we're going to eventually get into a fight and then we eventually do. Or when I think to myself that she wouldn't love me if she really knew who I was and then I exaggerate mistakes I have made.

6. Magnification and Minimization: Dr. burns compares this to using binoculars but not using them in the appropriate way. It's like looking through the small lense and seeing our personal mistakes bigger than what they really are and seeing our good points as being smaller than what they really are. I see this in my relationships in a number of ways. When it comes to talking to someone and I make a small mistake (not speaking loud enough if I'm speaking in Korean or if I speak too loud when I am teaching and interrupt another class) and then when it comes to the good points why a person might want to have a conversation with me at all, those points are so small that I can't even see them.

7. Emotional Reasoning: This is where a person sees the way s/he feels and perceives her/himself as being that way in reality. I see this in myself when I feel guilt and automatically assume I am a bad person.

8. Should Statements: This is where a person tells oneself that s/he should, ought, must do something. If you know me at all, you know I fall suspect to this all the time. Here is a list of the ways I feel like I should: I should clean my apartment. I should study Korean. I should read Korean childrens' books. I should buy a new heater in my office so I can work there and stay warm. I should call my friends in America. I should prepare more for classes. I should do whatever it takes to help students improve their English. I should be careful in the ways I interact with women. I should apply for a TESOL or TEFL certification class. I should exercise. I should get up earlier. I should make more friends.

I like what Dr. Burns and (Dr?) Albert Ellis call this dysfunction: 'musturbation' and 'shouldy' (respectively, 39).

9. Labeling and Mislabeling: Dr. Burns calls this, "The measure of a man is the mistakes he makes" (ibid). Instead of a person just recognizing s/he made a mistake, s/he shames oneself for the mistake s/he made. This happened to me today when I had to put more credit on my bus card so I could use it to get to the place where I was taught English later this evening. I found that place okay thanks to my phone but when I tried to find a coffee shop to keep warm (the reason I left my office early in the first place, to keep warm) and I must have walked outside for an hour in freezing cold before I went back to the first place where I intended to drink coffee to begin with. After this whole episode, I was fully convinced that I was the greatest moron on the planet because I couldn't even find a coffee shop, even though I had the Smartphone, with which I should be able to do the impossible. That experience ruined my joyful afternoon and fortunately my joyous time at Henulim redeemed my contented spirit.

As I understand it, labeling has to do with identifying a person as being flawed because of a mistake s/he made (oneself or someone else) whereas mislabeling has more to do with events. I see this happening in my life when it comes to me needing to prepare for a lesson and instead of doing that I end up checking my e-mail a million times or watching umpteen Korean dramas and then I tell myself afterwards, "I'm such a bum" which causes me to continue in such lazy conduct.

10. Personalization: Dr. Burns calls this "the mother of all guilt" (40). This is where a person blames herself for everything that goes wrong. Just ask my fiancée about this and what drives her crazy the most. If there is any question about who's fault it is, it is natural for me to assume this guilt myself. Somehow, I think I learned to do this as a child. If I ever had a bad attitude, a negative emotion, or just wanted to end the tension with my brother, I would either apologize for feeling the way I did and doing action that provoked the other person or I would apologize for something I clearly knew was wrong. Perhaps this was never really clear to me and so I found it easier to embrace this ambiguity by always being the one to say, "I'm sorry."

I hope I have understood all of these categories correctly. Though this was a lengthy process to write all of this out, I think it was easier for me to think of scenarios from my own life in the present or recent past than I thought it would be. I am not offering quick solutions because I think I need to really process these things and wait for the next chapter to tell me what to do with these emotions. But of course I welcome all readers to leave a comment. But if you are one of the many (?) who simple prefers to remain anonymous, thank you for suffering through this blog and reading me out.