Here comes another post about how I shouldn't should. I've been in my apartment all day today with no interaction with the outside world until tonight when I decided to try exercising to see if I could rid myself of the horrible way I felt. This feeling is normal for me at the end of the day when I have been alone in my apartment. I'm not sure if it is a matter of missing Sinae or if I am shoulding myself about all the work that I didn't get done.
After a joyous conversation with Sinae, and no fighting in spite of my bad emotions, I decided to pursue this emotion further by reading the next chapter in "Feeling Good" which speaks to the issue of guilt. The aspects of this chapter that I heard over and over again are that we depressed folk tend to should ourselves into depression. Rather than sharing the methods Dr. Burns advises for working through these emotions, I thought it might be interesting to list the "shoulds" I have felt today with a possible exception in brackets.
1. I should have gotten up earlier [which means I should've gone to bed earlier].
2. I shouldn't have gotten up so late [even though I went to bed late and it IS my vacation].
3. I should have finished reading all the articles I borrowed for my meeting on Wednesday [even though I received them on Wednesday not knowing how long I would stay at Sinae's house].
4. I should do the dishes.
5. I should clean this apartment.
6. I should always be joyful, whether I am alone or I am with people.
7. I should pray for a long time.
8. I should exercise.
9. I shouldn't watch tv for two hours.
10. It shouldn't take me so long to eat dinner [even though it is difficult to eat dinner while watching tv when I have to read all of the subtitles of an hour-long drama that takes longer when I have to download it in 15-minute increments].
11. I should talk on the phone as long as Sinae wants to talk.
12. I should understand if my family seems to be uneasy about my relationship with someone from another country.
13. I should study Korean [even though it seems difficult to do all things in a day that I want to do].
14. I should do something for fun.
15. I should go to sleep [even though I'm not really tired after drinking coffee, exercising and having a delightful telephone conversation with Sinae].
16. I shouldn't feel guilty [even though this may be a natural feeling and just because I feel guilty doesn't mean that I am guilty].
As you can see, it is difficult for me to change some of these statements into "non-should" statements.
Here is an example of something that turned out differently than "should've" happened. As I wrote previously I was extremely nervous, or perhaps scared would be more accurate, about meeting Sinae's family. Since both of her parents were previously suspicious of our relationship working out, not to mention the fact that I don't speak Korean well, I'm a foreigner and I've never done a full bow properly before, I think I really believed that they shouldn't accept me.
If you are expecting me to report that Sinae's parents and family did NOT seem to accept me, I am sorry to disappoint you. Yes, that means that Sinae's family did seem to accept me, even her dad, which was a total surprise to me. By the time I arrived at her house I did my best to believe that things would turn out well. Somehow, Sinae's mom seemed to be as comfortable with me as she could've been in spite of my limited Korean ability and not being a Korean and her dad even expressed enjoying meeting me on the day I left. This was a big lesson for me in believing the impossible can be possible and that I might actually be a better person than I give myself credit for. I think I was happier as a result of this Lunar New Year experience with Sinae's family than I have been prior to that experience. That also gave me a chance to see Sinae in complete relaxed form and it proved to me how much Sinae really loves me. Even though I'm sure we could persevere if her family didn't approve of me it is a big blessing to me that they are receiving me and this is clearly a sign of Amazing Grace. How else is it possible for Sinae's parents to have changed their minds about me. As it turned out, Sinae was right all the millions of times she told me that if her parents get a chance to meet me and get to know me, they will like me.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
The Power of Negative-Thinking
I thought I was doing really well with managing my thoughts on paper yesterday until I started boiling as Sinae and I started talking about the big event of me meeting her parents. As this event gets closer, I am getting more and more nervous. And I think it is because I have the idea that this is not going to go well, which is the cognitive distortion that David D. Burns calls, "Bad Fortune Teller". Then I am also shoulding myself into thinking that I have to be nervous about this event and that I can't just be happy about the joyous occasion of meeting Sinae's parents. Needless to say, for reasons I don't understand myself, that boiling resulted in me using a sharp tone with Sinae and we have been on rocky ground since. It seems like we might be coming around but it is still hard to say at this point.
Which makes a good segue into Dr. Burns' sixth chapter, which talks about more productive ways to manage disagreements. There is a lot in this chapter that speaks to the ways I erroneously respond when Sinae and I start arguing. Of course my struggles go back long before I met Sinae and I recall the way people on my father's side criticized me and how I felt like my self-esteem was always being tampered with. Dr. Burns does well in showing some practical ways of investigating the accusations by asking questions of time and location, when and where I did such and such, and also by finding something to agree with what the person says, even if the accusation is entirely false.
I hope I can put these things into practice, especially in my relationship with Sinae, so that I stop feeling like I am being attacked and so that I can start to really hear her out on ways that I can improve myself and also my relationship with her.
By the way, I am amazed by how Dr. Burns sets himself against many if not most psychotherapists, and Freud himself.
Which makes a good segue into Dr. Burns' sixth chapter, which talks about more productive ways to manage disagreements. There is a lot in this chapter that speaks to the ways I erroneously respond when Sinae and I start arguing. Of course my struggles go back long before I met Sinae and I recall the way people on my father's side criticized me and how I felt like my self-esteem was always being tampered with. Dr. Burns does well in showing some practical ways of investigating the accusations by asking questions of time and location, when and where I did such and such, and also by finding something to agree with what the person says, even if the accusation is entirely false.
I hope I can put these things into practice, especially in my relationship with Sinae, so that I stop feeling like I am being attacked and so that I can start to really hear her out on ways that I can improve myself and also my relationship with her.
By the way, I am amazed by how Dr. Burns sets himself against many if not most psychotherapists, and Freud himself.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Write It Down
It's taken me a few days to make it through the fourth chapter of Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy partly because I've been trying to get more rest since I have had a serious cold the last week or so. But I finally got back into it, today. And the main thing he talks about in this chapter is the importance of writing down negative thoughts.
He presents a number of methods for evaluating such thoughts, framing them in a distortion (i.e. All or nothing) and suggesting an alternative positive response. I'm going to work on that right now regarding something negative that's been going through my head. I'll lead you know whether it helps me in my thought processes or not.
After reading this chapter, I feel more hopeful that I can overcome my negative thought processes, but that this is going to require work. Dr. Burns recommends taking 15 minutes to process such negative thoughts but I think my processing will require more time. We'll see.
He presents a number of methods for evaluating such thoughts, framing them in a distortion (i.e. All or nothing) and suggesting an alternative positive response. I'm going to work on that right now regarding something negative that's been going through my head. I'll lead you know whether it helps me in my thought processes or not.
After reading this chapter, I feel more hopeful that I can overcome my negative thought processes, but that this is going to require work. Dr. Burns recommends taking 15 minutes to process such negative thoughts but I think my processing will require more time. We'll see.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
"You just simply have to adjust the dials." David D. Burns, M.D.
Tonight I resume my discussion of David D. Burns book, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. This chapter includes some blunt statements about the ways in which we depressed folks alter reality in ways equivalent to world-renowned majicians. I'll start with a list of these ways.
1. All-or-Nothing Thinking: This is pretty self-explanatory. As an example, consider my apartment in the current state it is in. I've been thinking that I should clean it for some time but I don't want to do it until I can clean it perfectly. That means I have to take a whole day to clean it up to my expectations. Meanwhile, dishes are piling up in the sink, papers and books are piling on my desk and dust continues to gather on the floor, not to mention the bags of recyclable products that need to go outside.
2. Overgeneralization: This is the assumption that if something bad happens once, it will always work out that way. Another example of this from my personal life would be in regard to my efforts to communicate with people in Korean. Recently, during English Camp, people had a hard time understanding me when I tried to say, "영어 캠프는 거의 끝냈어요 (English Camp is almost finished)". If I am applying the distortion of overgeneralization, I would tend to think that NOBODY will be able to understand me when I say the Korean word for "finished" and I could carry it to the next level and say that nobody will EVER be able to understand what I say in Korean.
3. Mental Filter: This is where a person picks out a negative aspect of a particular situation and focuses only on that negative aspect. This distortion has probably made itself known best in my view of the world and all of its problems. For example, there was a time when I first came to South Korea when it seemed like there was nothing but bad news and I became very depressed as I felt overwhelmed about making any difference in the world, not considering the good things that people were doing in the word.
4. Disqualifying the Positive: Dr. Burns gives the example of somebody saying something nice and the receiver of the compliment thinking, "Oh, they're just being nice" (35). This happens to me when somebody tells me I'm a good teacher and I respond by saying or thinking, "If I'm such a good teacher then how come my students don't speak English better?" I suspect there is another distortion going on here as well.
5. Jumping to Conclusions: Dr. Burns divides this into two categories, (1) Mind-reading and (2) The Fortune Teller Error (37). The former is where one assumes that a person is acting in a certain way for a certain reason. Recently I e-mailed two professors about working at an NGO in Korea. Neither of them responded so I assumed they just didn't want to have any kind of correspondence with me, not considering the possibilities that they didn't receive the e-mail, they didn't understand the e-mail since it was written in Korean or that they simply forget to respond.
In the latter category, this is defined as predicting things will go a certain way. We call this self-fulfilled prophecy. I suppose I've seen this in my relationship with Sinae where I have a feeling that we're going to eventually get into a fight and then we eventually do. Or when I think to myself that she wouldn't love me if she really knew who I was and then I exaggerate mistakes I have made.
6. Magnification and Minimization: Dr. burns compares this to using binoculars but not using them in the appropriate way. It's like looking through the small lense and seeing our personal mistakes bigger than what they really are and seeing our good points as being smaller than what they really are. I see this in my relationships in a number of ways. When it comes to talking to someone and I make a small mistake (not speaking loud enough if I'm speaking in Korean or if I speak too loud when I am teaching and interrupt another class) and then when it comes to the good points why a person might want to have a conversation with me at all, those points are so small that I can't even see them.
7. Emotional Reasoning: This is where a person sees the way s/he feels and perceives her/himself as being that way in reality. I see this in myself when I feel guilt and automatically assume I am a bad person.
8. Should Statements: This is where a person tells oneself that s/he should, ought, must do something. If you know me at all, you know I fall suspect to this all the time. Here is a list of the ways I feel like I should: I should clean my apartment. I should study Korean. I should read Korean childrens' books. I should buy a new heater in my office so I can work there and stay warm. I should call my friends in America. I should prepare more for classes. I should do whatever it takes to help students improve their English. I should be careful in the ways I interact with women. I should apply for a TESOL or TEFL certification class. I should exercise. I should get up earlier. I should make more friends.
I like what Dr. Burns and (Dr?) Albert Ellis call this dysfunction: 'musturbation' and 'shouldy' (respectively, 39).
9. Labeling and Mislabeling: Dr. Burns calls this, "The measure of a man is the mistakes he makes" (ibid). Instead of a person just recognizing s/he made a mistake, s/he shames oneself for the mistake s/he made. This happened to me today when I had to put more credit on my bus card so I could use it to get to the place where I was taught English later this evening. I found that place okay thanks to my phone but when I tried to find a coffee shop to keep warm (the reason I left my office early in the first place, to keep warm) and I must have walked outside for an hour in freezing cold before I went back to the first place where I intended to drink coffee to begin with. After this whole episode, I was fully convinced that I was the greatest moron on the planet because I couldn't even find a coffee shop, even though I had the Smartphone, with which I should be able to do the impossible. That experience ruined my joyful afternoon and fortunately my joyous time at Henulim redeemed my contented spirit.
As I understand it, labeling has to do with identifying a person as being flawed because of a mistake s/he made (oneself or someone else) whereas mislabeling has more to do with events. I see this happening in my life when it comes to me needing to prepare for a lesson and instead of doing that I end up checking my e-mail a million times or watching umpteen Korean dramas and then I tell myself afterwards, "I'm such a bum" which causes me to continue in such lazy conduct.
10. Personalization: Dr. Burns calls this "the mother of all guilt" (40). This is where a person blames herself for everything that goes wrong. Just ask my fiancée about this and what drives her crazy the most. If there is any question about who's fault it is, it is natural for me to assume this guilt myself. Somehow, I think I learned to do this as a child. If I ever had a bad attitude, a negative emotion, or just wanted to end the tension with my brother, I would either apologize for feeling the way I did and doing action that provoked the other person or I would apologize for something I clearly knew was wrong. Perhaps this was never really clear to me and so I found it easier to embrace this ambiguity by always being the one to say, "I'm sorry."
I hope I have understood all of these categories correctly. Though this was a lengthy process to write all of this out, I think it was easier for me to think of scenarios from my own life in the present or recent past than I thought it would be. I am not offering quick solutions because I think I need to really process these things and wait for the next chapter to tell me what to do with these emotions. But of course I welcome all readers to leave a comment. But if you are one of the many (?) who simple prefers to remain anonymous, thank you for suffering through this blog and reading me out.
1. All-or-Nothing Thinking: This is pretty self-explanatory. As an example, consider my apartment in the current state it is in. I've been thinking that I should clean it for some time but I don't want to do it until I can clean it perfectly. That means I have to take a whole day to clean it up to my expectations. Meanwhile, dishes are piling up in the sink, papers and books are piling on my desk and dust continues to gather on the floor, not to mention the bags of recyclable products that need to go outside.
2. Overgeneralization: This is the assumption that if something bad happens once, it will always work out that way. Another example of this from my personal life would be in regard to my efforts to communicate with people in Korean. Recently, during English Camp, people had a hard time understanding me when I tried to say, "영어 캠프는 거의 끝냈어요 (English Camp is almost finished)". If I am applying the distortion of overgeneralization, I would tend to think that NOBODY will be able to understand me when I say the Korean word for "finished" and I could carry it to the next level and say that nobody will EVER be able to understand what I say in Korean.
3. Mental Filter: This is where a person picks out a negative aspect of a particular situation and focuses only on that negative aspect. This distortion has probably made itself known best in my view of the world and all of its problems. For example, there was a time when I first came to South Korea when it seemed like there was nothing but bad news and I became very depressed as I felt overwhelmed about making any difference in the world, not considering the good things that people were doing in the word.
4. Disqualifying the Positive: Dr. Burns gives the example of somebody saying something nice and the receiver of the compliment thinking, "Oh, they're just being nice" (35). This happens to me when somebody tells me I'm a good teacher and I respond by saying or thinking, "If I'm such a good teacher then how come my students don't speak English better?" I suspect there is another distortion going on here as well.
5. Jumping to Conclusions: Dr. Burns divides this into two categories, (1) Mind-reading and (2) The Fortune Teller Error (37). The former is where one assumes that a person is acting in a certain way for a certain reason. Recently I e-mailed two professors about working at an NGO in Korea. Neither of them responded so I assumed they just didn't want to have any kind of correspondence with me, not considering the possibilities that they didn't receive the e-mail, they didn't understand the e-mail since it was written in Korean or that they simply forget to respond.
In the latter category, this is defined as predicting things will go a certain way. We call this self-fulfilled prophecy. I suppose I've seen this in my relationship with Sinae where I have a feeling that we're going to eventually get into a fight and then we eventually do. Or when I think to myself that she wouldn't love me if she really knew who I was and then I exaggerate mistakes I have made.
6. Magnification and Minimization: Dr. burns compares this to using binoculars but not using them in the appropriate way. It's like looking through the small lense and seeing our personal mistakes bigger than what they really are and seeing our good points as being smaller than what they really are. I see this in my relationships in a number of ways. When it comes to talking to someone and I make a small mistake (not speaking loud enough if I'm speaking in Korean or if I speak too loud when I am teaching and interrupt another class) and then when it comes to the good points why a person might want to have a conversation with me at all, those points are so small that I can't even see them.
7. Emotional Reasoning: This is where a person sees the way s/he feels and perceives her/himself as being that way in reality. I see this in myself when I feel guilt and automatically assume I am a bad person.
8. Should Statements: This is where a person tells oneself that s/he should, ought, must do something. If you know me at all, you know I fall suspect to this all the time. Here is a list of the ways I feel like I should: I should clean my apartment. I should study Korean. I should read Korean childrens' books. I should buy a new heater in my office so I can work there and stay warm. I should call my friends in America. I should prepare more for classes. I should do whatever it takes to help students improve their English. I should be careful in the ways I interact with women. I should apply for a TESOL or TEFL certification class. I should exercise. I should get up earlier. I should make more friends.
I like what Dr. Burns and (Dr?) Albert Ellis call this dysfunction: 'musturbation' and 'shouldy' (respectively, 39).
9. Labeling and Mislabeling: Dr. Burns calls this, "The measure of a man is the mistakes he makes" (ibid). Instead of a person just recognizing s/he made a mistake, s/he shames oneself for the mistake s/he made. This happened to me today when I had to put more credit on my bus card so I could use it to get to the place where I was taught English later this evening. I found that place okay thanks to my phone but when I tried to find a coffee shop to keep warm (the reason I left my office early in the first place, to keep warm) and I must have walked outside for an hour in freezing cold before I went back to the first place where I intended to drink coffee to begin with. After this whole episode, I was fully convinced that I was the greatest moron on the planet because I couldn't even find a coffee shop, even though I had the Smartphone, with which I should be able to do the impossible. That experience ruined my joyful afternoon and fortunately my joyous time at Henulim redeemed my contented spirit.
As I understand it, labeling has to do with identifying a person as being flawed because of a mistake s/he made (oneself or someone else) whereas mislabeling has more to do with events. I see this happening in my life when it comes to me needing to prepare for a lesson and instead of doing that I end up checking my e-mail a million times or watching umpteen Korean dramas and then I tell myself afterwards, "I'm such a bum" which causes me to continue in such lazy conduct.
10. Personalization: Dr. Burns calls this "the mother of all guilt" (40). This is where a person blames herself for everything that goes wrong. Just ask my fiancée about this and what drives her crazy the most. If there is any question about who's fault it is, it is natural for me to assume this guilt myself. Somehow, I think I learned to do this as a child. If I ever had a bad attitude, a negative emotion, or just wanted to end the tension with my brother, I would either apologize for feeling the way I did and doing action that provoked the other person or I would apologize for something I clearly knew was wrong. Perhaps this was never really clear to me and so I found it easier to embrace this ambiguity by always being the one to say, "I'm sorry."
I hope I have understood all of these categories correctly. Though this was a lengthy process to write all of this out, I think it was easier for me to think of scenarios from my own life in the present or recent past than I thought it would be. I am not offering quick solutions because I think I need to really process these things and wait for the next chapter to tell me what to do with these emotions. But of course I welcome all readers to leave a comment. But if you are one of the many (?) who simple prefers to remain anonymous, thank you for suffering through this blog and reading me out.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
"Feeling Good" Chapter 2
The second chapter of David D. Burns' book, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy includes a depression self-test which I took. I was proud of myself for only scoring 39/100 but apparently that is worse than I thought, though not as bad as it could be. Dr. Burns breaks the score into six levels:
0-5: no depresson
6-10: normal but unhappy
11-25: mild depression
26-50: moderate depression
51-75: severe depression
76-100: extreme depression (p. 22)
He warns the reader to beware of the meaning of "moderate depression" and recommends seeking professional help within two weeks if this score doesn't change. I'm hoping that in my case, I answered worse than what I really am. My mood is certainly much better this week than it was last week, but I have included last week since I am supposed to answer the way I have felt over the last week. After a great date with Sinae and a lot more intentional effort in showing her my love without the expectation of something in return I am feeling much better and I think I am giving her more confidence as far as my love for her and this seems to be increasing the amount of trust she has in me.
As I look back on my past, it seems that I have struggled the most when I have had more stress. So it seems that my struggles with my relationship seem to come when I am feeling the most stressed, which suggests I'm not managing my stress very well. Even though I am reading a book written for people who feel depressed I am feeling more hopeful this week about myself than I have in previous weeks.
For those of you wondering, I have e-mailed Lewis B. Smedes "Grace Creed" to myself and am planning on printing it off tomorrow and then hanging it on my bathroom mirror.
0-5: no depresson
6-10: normal but unhappy
11-25: mild depression
26-50: moderate depression
51-75: severe depression
76-100: extreme depression (p. 22)
He warns the reader to beware of the meaning of "moderate depression" and recommends seeking professional help within two weeks if this score doesn't change. I'm hoping that in my case, I answered worse than what I really am. My mood is certainly much better this week than it was last week, but I have included last week since I am supposed to answer the way I have felt over the last week. After a great date with Sinae and a lot more intentional effort in showing her my love without the expectation of something in return I am feeling much better and I think I am giving her more confidence as far as my love for her and this seems to be increasing the amount of trust she has in me.
As I look back on my past, it seems that I have struggled the most when I have had more stress. So it seems that my struggles with my relationship seem to come when I am feeling the most stressed, which suggests I'm not managing my stress very well. Even though I am reading a book written for people who feel depressed I am feeling more hopeful this week about myself than I have in previous weeks.
For those of you wondering, I have e-mailed Lewis B. Smedes "Grace Creed" to myself and am planning on printing it off tomorrow and then hanging it on my bathroom mirror.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Just feelings?
I started reading Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns. This is the second book I ordered in an attempt to deal with my struggles with a low self-esteem. I am learning through this book of the amazing breakthrough that came about with "Cognitive Therapy". This book serves as a means of "bibliotherapy" a fairly new method of psychotherapy, which is where a person reads a book as a form of counseling such as this book. Studies indicated that some people who only read this book and practiced its principles overcame depression quicker and the effects lasted longer than those who were taking antidepressants in conjunction with psychotherapy. In case you think I have my wires crossed, Dr. Burns refers to a study done on the effectiveness of reading self-help books such as this one and says, "They discovered that Feeling Good bibliotherapy may be as effective as a full course of psychotherapy or treatment with the best antidepressant drugs" (xxiii).
In the first chapter, Dr. Burns speaks of depression being so common that "it is considered the common cold of psychiatric disturbances" (9). But he does well in pointing out that the difference between depression and a common cold as that depression could lead a person to commit suicide. He suggests the following positive effects of this type of psychotherapy.
1. Rapid Symptomatic Improvement: This means that one's symptoms can be relieved in as soon as 12 weeks.
2. Understanding: This is in reference to the understanding of why people like me get into these downcast moods and whether such negative emotions are normal or problematic.
3. Self-Control: "I will guide you as you develop a practical, realistic, step-by-step self-help plan" (11).
4. Prevention and Personal Growth: The way this happens is through "a reassessment of some basic values and attitudes which lie at the core of your tendency toward painful depressions" (ibid).
The point of all of this is to say that according to David D. Burns, our feelings do not just come from nowhere but they come directly from our thought patterns. I have seen the positive results of this with my relationship with my fiancée. We had a problem yesterday and after enjoying the church service we participated in and starting to understand her as a result of reading a book about women which helped me to understand her more, she couldn't continue to be mad at me and I have continued down that path as much as possible today.
I am a little bit worried about reading this book, though. For some reason, as I read Shame & Grace: Healing the Shame We Don't Deserve during the last two weeks, I felt more shame or perhaps I was just made aware of the shame and I responded to Sinae more sharply than I had in the past. But I think I want to see if this book can help me overcome my struggles of a lack of self-confidence.
In the first chapter, Dr. Burns speaks of depression being so common that "it is considered the common cold of psychiatric disturbances" (9). But he does well in pointing out that the difference between depression and a common cold as that depression could lead a person to commit suicide. He suggests the following positive effects of this type of psychotherapy.
1. Rapid Symptomatic Improvement: This means that one's symptoms can be relieved in as soon as 12 weeks.
2. Understanding: This is in reference to the understanding of why people like me get into these downcast moods and whether such negative emotions are normal or problematic.
3. Self-Control: "I will guide you as you develop a practical, realistic, step-by-step self-help plan" (11).
4. Prevention and Personal Growth: The way this happens is through "a reassessment of some basic values and attitudes which lie at the core of your tendency toward painful depressions" (ibid).
The point of all of this is to say that according to David D. Burns, our feelings do not just come from nowhere but they come directly from our thought patterns. I have seen the positive results of this with my relationship with my fiancée. We had a problem yesterday and after enjoying the church service we participated in and starting to understand her as a result of reading a book about women which helped me to understand her more, she couldn't continue to be mad at me and I have continued down that path as much as possible today.
I am a little bit worried about reading this book, though. For some reason, as I read Shame & Grace: Healing the Shame We Don't Deserve during the last two weeks, I felt more shame or perhaps I was just made aware of the shame and I responded to Sinae more sharply than I had in the past. But I think I want to see if this book can help me overcome my struggles of a lack of self-confidence.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
"For Men Only" by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn
I started and finished "For Men Only" by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn, a gift from my brother and his family, today. This was an easy read which I mostly finished on the subway from Cheonan to Seoul back to Cheonan. This book seems to have been my salvation as far as my relationship with Sinae is concerned. It seems that a lot of the areas were I misunderstood her were about the differences between women and men rather than about the differences between Koreans and Americans, though that may be true as well.
I learned in this book that there are things I do to create mistrust in Sinae's mind by not affirming my love for her beyond "I love you" which probably sometimes comes across as something I have to say out of duty than out of genuine articulation of the way I feel about her.
The book starts by explaining that we men need a roadmap to understanding women and that just having a book of laws and procedures isn't enough.
In the second chapter, the writers talk about how women and men view marriage differently, with women viewing it in terms of relationship, requiring constant re-affirmation while men tend to think of marriage in terms of a contract.
The third chapter talks about the ways that women and men differ in terms of accomplishing various tasks, in which the writers compare women to a computer whose windows are always open. Along with this comes the idea that women are always recording conversations and that they can't simply dismiss something their man may have said a year ago because it is on record.
The fourth chapter is very intriguing because it talks about the ways in which men can give security to their wives and how if women have to choose, they'd rather have their husband's emotional security (being around the house more often) than to have their husband's financial security if it meant that their man couldn't spend time with the family because he was working so much.
The fifth chapter gives some key points about listening, not just with one's ears, but really engaging in the conversation and recognizing the a woman's emotions are not the barrier but the real issue.
The sixth chapter is pretty thorough in its discussion of sex and how women think of it differently than men do. There is some useful information here about how a woman isn't necessarily rejecting her husband if she says no and how men can experience more satisfaction in this area by catering to their wife in other areas like hugging their wife for her sake and not just to get her into bed.
The seventh chapter is quite revealing in terms of the importance of affirming our significant other beyond the rote memory line, "You are beautiful". This chapter tells men that there is a little girl inside every woman who is constantly feeling insecure about her appearance and how she needs her husband or significant other to constantly re-affirm her.
Finally, the last chapter reminds men that our significant other sees us as her hero.
The areas where I see this being the most practical are in the areas where I can affirm my significant other not just in terms of the way she perceives of herself and how I perceive of her in terms of being beautiful, but also in continuing to prove to her that I really love her. Another way was in the concept of open windows. I had a hard time understanding why my fiancee would continually bring up things we talked about a year ago. I also learned through all of this that when Sinae brings up an issue that she is not trying to shame me, something I struggle with alone, but that she is trying to start a conversation about those things and that I ought not be alarmed when Sinae uses a stronger tone.
I hope this book will have a lasting impact on me in the long run and that I won't forget the lessons founds herein and that I will continue my lessons about relationships by reading more and more books. I'm not sure if it was the book or something else, but Sinae thought I was acting really strange today. This seemed to be a good thing as evidenced by my sense of confidence regarding our relationship. Of course it also helped that we went to a Korean church that had an English translation and also has an English ministry. It just so happens that we are both comfortable in that church and we are hoping to live in that area of Seoul after we get married.
I learned in this book that there are things I do to create mistrust in Sinae's mind by not affirming my love for her beyond "I love you" which probably sometimes comes across as something I have to say out of duty than out of genuine articulation of the way I feel about her.
The book starts by explaining that we men need a roadmap to understanding women and that just having a book of laws and procedures isn't enough.
In the second chapter, the writers talk about how women and men view marriage differently, with women viewing it in terms of relationship, requiring constant re-affirmation while men tend to think of marriage in terms of a contract.
The third chapter talks about the ways that women and men differ in terms of accomplishing various tasks, in which the writers compare women to a computer whose windows are always open. Along with this comes the idea that women are always recording conversations and that they can't simply dismiss something their man may have said a year ago because it is on record.
The fourth chapter is very intriguing because it talks about the ways in which men can give security to their wives and how if women have to choose, they'd rather have their husband's emotional security (being around the house more often) than to have their husband's financial security if it meant that their man couldn't spend time with the family because he was working so much.
The fifth chapter gives some key points about listening, not just with one's ears, but really engaging in the conversation and recognizing the a woman's emotions are not the barrier but the real issue.
The sixth chapter is pretty thorough in its discussion of sex and how women think of it differently than men do. There is some useful information here about how a woman isn't necessarily rejecting her husband if she says no and how men can experience more satisfaction in this area by catering to their wife in other areas like hugging their wife for her sake and not just to get her into bed.
The seventh chapter is quite revealing in terms of the importance of affirming our significant other beyond the rote memory line, "You are beautiful". This chapter tells men that there is a little girl inside every woman who is constantly feeling insecure about her appearance and how she needs her husband or significant other to constantly re-affirm her.
Finally, the last chapter reminds men that our significant other sees us as her hero.
The areas where I see this being the most practical are in the areas where I can affirm my significant other not just in terms of the way she perceives of herself and how I perceive of her in terms of being beautiful, but also in continuing to prove to her that I really love her. Another way was in the concept of open windows. I had a hard time understanding why my fiancee would continually bring up things we talked about a year ago. I also learned through all of this that when Sinae brings up an issue that she is not trying to shame me, something I struggle with alone, but that she is trying to start a conversation about those things and that I ought not be alarmed when Sinae uses a stronger tone.
I hope this book will have a lasting impact on me in the long run and that I won't forget the lessons founds herein and that I will continue my lessons about relationships by reading more and more books. I'm not sure if it was the book or something else, but Sinae thought I was acting really strange today. This seemed to be a good thing as evidenced by my sense of confidence regarding our relationship. Of course it also helped that we went to a Korean church that had an English translation and also has an English ministry. It just so happens that we are both comfortable in that church and we are hoping to live in that area of Seoul after we get married.
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