You are alone.

This morning we met a conflict about the problem we had recently resolved. And the cause of the conflict? Cultural and language differences. It's funny what a difference there is between saying, "You are alone" and "You are lonely".

Sinae's friend Jeongsu tried to explain the differences between Korean and American culture to me per her request. But I knew nothing about this because he went right into the explanation of this without saying, "Sinae has asked me to talk to you about..." so I felt like they were ganging up on me. And then when he said, "You are alone" as in nobody else thinks the way you do that was the straw that broke the camel's back. What he meant to say is that "You must feel like you are alone" or "You are probably lonely living in another country" but those words "You are alone" stung. So I said I didn't want to talk about this and that pretty much ended the possibility of talking about anything.

I was so aggravated and shocked that whatever chance I had of understanding the sermon in Korean was eliminated so I decided to arrange my thoughts by writing four pages in a notebook while the pastor was preaching. This turned out well since it helped me to prepare for a frank conversation with Sinae and Jeongsu. As is normal with me, I had misunderstood the whole situation.

But I learned something valuable about cultural differences. First, the definition of "friend" seemed to be more related to activities and commonality than intention (I'm still not sure I'm understanding this right). Second, it is normal for one friend to explain to his friend's boyfriend an issue that her boyfriend may not understand from her (I don't understand Sinae's perspective so she asks her friend to explain the situation to me).

I'm so very glad that we were able to resolve this issue between the three of us and I hope that we have not only a stronger relationship between Sinae and I but also between Jeongsu and I.

Loving the sinner and hating the sin

Here is a report of yet another victory in my relationship with Sinae which seems to have a parallel with what Jesus (as it stands in my mind Jesus taught this either both in words and actions or at least by actions) taught about loving the sinner but hating the sin.

Sinae and I discovered a cultural difference (Either a difference between Korean and American culture or at least a difference between our own frames of mind) regarding chatting online with people we've never met. Of course I didn't think there was anything wrong with this, particularly because I've heard a lot of good explanations about Korean or about Asian culture. But in the end I chose my relationship with Sinae as being more important than these virtual relationships. As part of our victory, I decided to delete those women I've chatted with whom I've never met in person.

My Uncle Leland reminded me of the difference between not being able to accept a part of a person's life (i.e. chatting) and not being able to accept the person. I'm not sure I've ever experienced this paradox in real life comparable to what I experienced yesterday and a little bit today.

Now that I've deleted those contacts I hope that this dilemma will be one that only exists in our memories and hopefully that memory will become less and less, and by God's grace, hopefully it will never resurface again.

Love the sinner but hate the sin...what a stark contrast. How does this work?

Revival

I wanted to post a picture but I couldn't think of a good way to portray "revival" in a picture without snatching something off the web and that doesn't have someone else's name on it.

This has to be the biggest turning point kind of weekend that Sinae and I have seen since our relationship began. After a series of difficult conversations (I might have called these fights in the past) we decided to draw a conservative (Now for those of you who know me, you know how serious I am to use this word) boundary in terms of our physical relationship. We did this before and saw great growth during that time. Since we both seem to have some trust issues, we both agreed that we should focus on developing the emotional side of our relationship to give that aspect time to catch up with the physical side.

I felt bad about this, wondering if we were starting off where we left off when we stopped our previous boundary, hoping that our relationship has been progressing. I started to cry a little bit as I had a loss for words, something that is quite common when we don't have an issue to work through. Since we drew a new boundary, I couldn't opt for the physical side so I had to suffer through it and I cried a little bit. Then Sinae cried a little bit, and a little bit more, and a little bit more. I think we are both happy that this relationship is surviving all of these twists and turns, mountaintops and valleys. And I think that for me, my love for her has been renewed.

I want to talk about something that is a serious struggle, and something that future generations may struggle with, especially people in Korea who were influenced by conservative missionaries of yesterday. When I was a teenager, a lot of people talked about boundaries, as in what NOT to do, but I don't remember much about what we should do. I remember one lesson where the youth pastor talked about boundaries and we even went around the room and drew a boundary. Most of us drew the line at french-kissing. But I'm not sure if that is the best method for drawing a line. I think you have to consider backgrounds (in our case, differing language and cultural backgrounds) that may affect this issue as well as where the most vulnerable points are.

I think that a lot of organizations have done well in presenting the abstinence form of unwanted pregnancies and hopefully this has prospered health on a deeper level than not getting pregnant before a couple is ready. But I think it would have been helpful to address these issues on a more specific basis, and perhaps talking more about how these choices affect one's emotional well-being and how about talking about it in the positive as far as where, when and how it might be appropriate to have some physical contact.

Maybe I'll add that to my book-writing dream AFTER I get married.

Anyway, I think I have peace tonight. I'm not thrilled about the physical boundary, but I am fulfilled to have experienced a very special conversation with Sinae that may have come as a direct result of this boundary. And I hope and pray that we will be stronger about our boundary. I think the ironic thing is that fulfillment comes in waiting. This seems to be an ideal taught in Scripture that must have been as counter-cultural in the various societies represented in culture as it is in this country and others around the world. That is where I think campaigns like "True Love Waits" did well.

Love is like a roller coaster...?

I am writing on here for once in a delightful mood. I spent a long weekend with Sinae last weekend and I think our relationship grew by leaps and bounds because of it. We were together from Thursday evening through Sunday evening. That was well worth the time. There were, of course, a few disagreements or misunderstandings here and there, but it was all worth it in the end.

I think one of the greatest lessons I learned about her is that she is a keeper and very strong in the loyalty category. This makes me want to love her and treat her well. I have shocked her with a lot of things and, while she was disturbed at the time I told her, she was okay after a little alone time. It seems apparent to both of us that we are good for each other and that we are changing and growing in positive ways. We are even able to have some really interesting conversations in spite of the language, cultural and gender barriers.

I think that as a direct result of my relationship with her I am learning to love Koreans more and more. One book I read about Korean culture said that foreigners have a love-hate relationship with Korea I am finding that I have more of a love than a hate relationship with Korea. But I guess I better be cautious about my optimism since the semester just started.

I'm also glad to know that there are anonymous readers out there who don't leave comments. I learned from one student that he goes to my blog from time to time but only looks at the pictures because my entries are so long. Thanks for following me and I hope you'll leave a comment some day.

My computer battery is getting low and so is my own.

To err is human but to make a really big mistake you need a foreigner.

I am pleased to announce that my thinking that Sinae and I might separate was a complete misunderstanding that, fortunately, didn't lead to a broken relationship. We eventually discovered that we both thought the other person wanted to break up with us and now we are really happy. These seems analogous to what happened when Mom got really.

Perhaps there is a lesson here about treasuring the things we have and more importantly, the relationships we have while we have them before we lose them. I've learned this with Mom and Sinae but I think I could improve in this area with other family members.

I think with all of this behind me, it's time to get back to talk about life in South Korea and other things I've been thinking about.

On the rocks...

Last night a conversation with Sinae went south very fast. My advice to you is never to be online when someone else you are in a significant relationship with is also online without planning to meet first, especially when it is getting late. That is what I did and I am currently seeing how this relationship might be salvagable (And I'm not sure that's a word either). I don't know what to say here that can be said on a blog.

I guess I'll share my thoughts about what is going through my head. We have been in a relationship for almost 9 months. In fact, this Sunday is her birthday AND our 9 month anniversary if it is possible to call it that when dating someone for less than a year. During that time we've had a lot of ups and downs. I've shocked her with a lot of things she's never heard a guy tell her before or perhaps it was new information and she has been really good about working through that information until now.

Until now...we are waiting to see where our relationship will go from here. I'm currently waiting for her text message in response to the shotmail I sent her. Whatever happens, I wouldn't trade the last 9 months (almost) that I have had with her for all the money in the world. She has taught me so much and has instilled good values in me which I hope I will continue for a long time. Some of these are the importance of going to church, even if you don't always get something out of it, read as many books as you can, and don't forget to take some time to yourself. That also means you don't have to tell the other person everything you're thinking. Unfortunately, I may have learned that lesson a day late and a dollar short.

I hope you'll wait, and pray, with us as we try to figure out what the best decision is for us as persons who are very different as well as a couple who may or may not be able to do greater things than we could do by ourselves.

And I hope I haven't violated any kind of confidentiality this morning. Thanks for your prayers.

Community Development

Today was kind of a hard day. Even though Sinae and I spent several hours talking on the phone and had fun while I joked around, the elephant remained in the room, even now. I don't know what to make of all of this. I don't see what the big deal is with wanting to help poor people. Doesn't everybody want to help poor people? What happens when you see someone on the street in need? If you hear of a child growing up in an abusive home do you nearly cry as you pray for God to drop the answer on you or do you passively walk away without giving a single thought to this? What about in Korea where there are reportedly poor people living in the vicinity of the shopping mall where the female employees where gobs of make-up and the men where high-dollar clothing or so it seems. Do you think about the shopping center as a facade of what the neighborhood is really like, perhaps similar to the facade of West Hollywood that hides the hopelessness and despair of East Hollywood?

If I am the only person who wishes he could cry to release the sense of hopelessness that he has in helping someone else get out of a bad situation, please tell me now so that I don't chase everybody away with my wild dream.

How come most people respect those before us who have done so much for the sake of the other? Do we not all admire those martyrs of whatever faith you are who gave their all for what they believed in? How do we forget the blood, sweat and tears that they endured in order to spare someone else's life? How do we live so comfortable without thinking about the unfortunate situations of those around us?

I don't think I'm doing anything as radical as those you might be thinking of this very moment. I may have just made a baby step in that direction by visiting Heanoorim Youth Center in Cheonan, the city where I live. Students who come here apparently come from poor families who can't afford to send their children to academies which are very important in Korean culture. I don't think this is much but I hope it will be a step in the right direction and that I'll step beating myself up for not doing enough and seek ways to help others, even if their deficit is not financial but some other shortcoming. The next thing I want to check into is visiting people in the hospital. There is a licensed minister at the church I attend whom I want to ask about that. He is a medical doctor so I imagine he might be a good lead.

A while from now I will go to bed. I can't meet Sinae because she is going to visit her grandpa. I'm so glad she is going to do this. She hasn't been able to do this for a long time. I don't know if I will ever be able to meet him. He is in his mid or upper 90s and he is in the hospital. He may have been a prisoner who was taken to Japan when they tried to colonize Korea. I don't know if this is exactly right but when he went to another place they beat him at the knees to some degree. He became a Christian because he saw churches helping people they weren't related to. He couldn't believe people would help people they weren't related to. These later years he couldn't do much so he mostly sits, reads the Bible, prays, sleeps and then starts the cycle over again. When Sinae talks to him, she has to practically yell in order for her grandpa to hear her. I would love to meet him and hear his story but he is losing his memory so I may never hear that story. Of all the people in her family I'd like to meet, he is chief among them.

Tomorrow I will finish preparing for classes this week and then I'm going to continue reading "The Two Koreas". If I haven't talked about this book, I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to know more about North and South Korea's long tension. I think this also helps me to understand Koreans, including Sinae.

I think right now I'm going to try to translate Colossians 1:1-8, the passage Sinae's pastor preached on last Sunday. Then I'm going to call it a day and try to resume my habit of rising early in the morning. I think I'd like to memorize Colossians 1:1-8 but that might be very difficult since Paul wrote using such long sentences.

When I went to see my very first Korean teacher today who works at an NGO, who helped me get involved with what I am doing with the youth center, she and her colleagues laughed at me when I said some things the way I did in Korean. I was thinking about it and realized I can't say too much because I KNOW that I do the same with foreigners about the way Koreans talk in English. I hope I can figure out what the things were that I said. I suppose it is comparable to listening to a toddler learning to talk, except that I am not a native Korean speaker.