Revival

I wanted to post a picture but I couldn't think of a good way to portray "revival" in a picture without snatching something off the web and that doesn't have someone else's name on it.

This has to be the biggest turning point kind of weekend that Sinae and I have seen since our relationship began. After a series of difficult conversations (I might have called these fights in the past) we decided to draw a conservative (Now for those of you who know me, you know how serious I am to use this word) boundary in terms of our physical relationship. We did this before and saw great growth during that time. Since we both seem to have some trust issues, we both agreed that we should focus on developing the emotional side of our relationship to give that aspect time to catch up with the physical side.

I felt bad about this, wondering if we were starting off where we left off when we stopped our previous boundary, hoping that our relationship has been progressing. I started to cry a little bit as I had a loss for words, something that is quite common when we don't have an issue to work through. Since we drew a new boundary, I couldn't opt for the physical side so I had to suffer through it and I cried a little bit. Then Sinae cried a little bit, and a little bit more, and a little bit more. I think we are both happy that this relationship is surviving all of these twists and turns, mountaintops and valleys. And I think that for me, my love for her has been renewed.

I want to talk about something that is a serious struggle, and something that future generations may struggle with, especially people in Korea who were influenced by conservative missionaries of yesterday. When I was a teenager, a lot of people talked about boundaries, as in what NOT to do, but I don't remember much about what we should do. I remember one lesson where the youth pastor talked about boundaries and we even went around the room and drew a boundary. Most of us drew the line at french-kissing. But I'm not sure if that is the best method for drawing a line. I think you have to consider backgrounds (in our case, differing language and cultural backgrounds) that may affect this issue as well as where the most vulnerable points are.

I think that a lot of organizations have done well in presenting the abstinence form of unwanted pregnancies and hopefully this has prospered health on a deeper level than not getting pregnant before a couple is ready. But I think it would have been helpful to address these issues on a more specific basis, and perhaps talking more about how these choices affect one's emotional well-being and how about talking about it in the positive as far as where, when and how it might be appropriate to have some physical contact.

Maybe I'll add that to my book-writing dream AFTER I get married.

Anyway, I think I have peace tonight. I'm not thrilled about the physical boundary, but I am fulfilled to have experienced a very special conversation with Sinae that may have come as a direct result of this boundary. And I hope and pray that we will be stronger about our boundary. I think the ironic thing is that fulfillment comes in waiting. This seems to be an ideal taught in Scripture that must have been as counter-cultural in the various societies represented in culture as it is in this country and others around the world. That is where I think campaigns like "True Love Waits" did well.

Love is like a roller coaster...?

I am writing on here for once in a delightful mood. I spent a long weekend with Sinae last weekend and I think our relationship grew by leaps and bounds because of it. We were together from Thursday evening through Sunday evening. That was well worth the time. There were, of course, a few disagreements or misunderstandings here and there, but it was all worth it in the end.

I think one of the greatest lessons I learned about her is that she is a keeper and very strong in the loyalty category. This makes me want to love her and treat her well. I have shocked her with a lot of things and, while she was disturbed at the time I told her, she was okay after a little alone time. It seems apparent to both of us that we are good for each other and that we are changing and growing in positive ways. We are even able to have some really interesting conversations in spite of the language, cultural and gender barriers.

I think that as a direct result of my relationship with her I am learning to love Koreans more and more. One book I read about Korean culture said that foreigners have a love-hate relationship with Korea I am finding that I have more of a love than a hate relationship with Korea. But I guess I better be cautious about my optimism since the semester just started.

I'm also glad to know that there are anonymous readers out there who don't leave comments. I learned from one student that he goes to my blog from time to time but only looks at the pictures because my entries are so long. Thanks for following me and I hope you'll leave a comment some day.

My computer battery is getting low and so is my own.

To err is human but to make a really big mistake you need a foreigner.

I am pleased to announce that my thinking that Sinae and I might separate was a complete misunderstanding that, fortunately, didn't lead to a broken relationship. We eventually discovered that we both thought the other person wanted to break up with us and now we are really happy. These seems analogous to what happened when Mom got really.

Perhaps there is a lesson here about treasuring the things we have and more importantly, the relationships we have while we have them before we lose them. I've learned this with Mom and Sinae but I think I could improve in this area with other family members.

I think with all of this behind me, it's time to get back to talk about life in South Korea and other things I've been thinking about.

On the rocks...

Last night a conversation with Sinae went south very fast. My advice to you is never to be online when someone else you are in a significant relationship with is also online without planning to meet first, especially when it is getting late. That is what I did and I am currently seeing how this relationship might be salvagable (And I'm not sure that's a word either). I don't know what to say here that can be said on a blog.

I guess I'll share my thoughts about what is going through my head. We have been in a relationship for almost 9 months. In fact, this Sunday is her birthday AND our 9 month anniversary if it is possible to call it that when dating someone for less than a year. During that time we've had a lot of ups and downs. I've shocked her with a lot of things she's never heard a guy tell her before or perhaps it was new information and she has been really good about working through that information until now.

Until now...we are waiting to see where our relationship will go from here. I'm currently waiting for her text message in response to the shotmail I sent her. Whatever happens, I wouldn't trade the last 9 months (almost) that I have had with her for all the money in the world. She has taught me so much and has instilled good values in me which I hope I will continue for a long time. Some of these are the importance of going to church, even if you don't always get something out of it, read as many books as you can, and don't forget to take some time to yourself. That also means you don't have to tell the other person everything you're thinking. Unfortunately, I may have learned that lesson a day late and a dollar short.

I hope you'll wait, and pray, with us as we try to figure out what the best decision is for us as persons who are very different as well as a couple who may or may not be able to do greater things than we could do by ourselves.

And I hope I haven't violated any kind of confidentiality this morning. Thanks for your prayers.

Community Development

Today was kind of a hard day. Even though Sinae and I spent several hours talking on the phone and had fun while I joked around, the elephant remained in the room, even now. I don't know what to make of all of this. I don't see what the big deal is with wanting to help poor people. Doesn't everybody want to help poor people? What happens when you see someone on the street in need? If you hear of a child growing up in an abusive home do you nearly cry as you pray for God to drop the answer on you or do you passively walk away without giving a single thought to this? What about in Korea where there are reportedly poor people living in the vicinity of the shopping mall where the female employees where gobs of make-up and the men where high-dollar clothing or so it seems. Do you think about the shopping center as a facade of what the neighborhood is really like, perhaps similar to the facade of West Hollywood that hides the hopelessness and despair of East Hollywood?

If I am the only person who wishes he could cry to release the sense of hopelessness that he has in helping someone else get out of a bad situation, please tell me now so that I don't chase everybody away with my wild dream.

How come most people respect those before us who have done so much for the sake of the other? Do we not all admire those martyrs of whatever faith you are who gave their all for what they believed in? How do we forget the blood, sweat and tears that they endured in order to spare someone else's life? How do we live so comfortable without thinking about the unfortunate situations of those around us?

I don't think I'm doing anything as radical as those you might be thinking of this very moment. I may have just made a baby step in that direction by visiting Heanoorim Youth Center in Cheonan, the city where I live. Students who come here apparently come from poor families who can't afford to send their children to academies which are very important in Korean culture. I don't think this is much but I hope it will be a step in the right direction and that I'll step beating myself up for not doing enough and seek ways to help others, even if their deficit is not financial but some other shortcoming. The next thing I want to check into is visiting people in the hospital. There is a licensed minister at the church I attend whom I want to ask about that. He is a medical doctor so I imagine he might be a good lead.

A while from now I will go to bed. I can't meet Sinae because she is going to visit her grandpa. I'm so glad she is going to do this. She hasn't been able to do this for a long time. I don't know if I will ever be able to meet him. He is in his mid or upper 90s and he is in the hospital. He may have been a prisoner who was taken to Japan when they tried to colonize Korea. I don't know if this is exactly right but when he went to another place they beat him at the knees to some degree. He became a Christian because he saw churches helping people they weren't related to. He couldn't believe people would help people they weren't related to. These later years he couldn't do much so he mostly sits, reads the Bible, prays, sleeps and then starts the cycle over again. When Sinae talks to him, she has to practically yell in order for her grandpa to hear her. I would love to meet him and hear his story but he is losing his memory so I may never hear that story. Of all the people in her family I'd like to meet, he is chief among them.

Tomorrow I will finish preparing for classes this week and then I'm going to continue reading "The Two Koreas". If I haven't talked about this book, I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to know more about North and South Korea's long tension. I think this also helps me to understand Koreans, including Sinae.

I think right now I'm going to try to translate Colossians 1:1-8, the passage Sinae's pastor preached on last Sunday. Then I'm going to call it a day and try to resume my habit of rising early in the morning. I think I'd like to memorize Colossians 1:1-8 but that might be very difficult since Paul wrote using such long sentences.

When I went to see my very first Korean teacher today who works at an NGO, who helped me get involved with what I am doing with the youth center, she and her colleagues laughed at me when I said some things the way I did in Korean. I was thinking about it and realized I can't say too much because I KNOW that I do the same with foreigners about the way Koreans talk in English. I hope I can figure out what the things were that I said. I suppose it is comparable to listening to a toddler learning to talk, except that I am not a native Korean speaker.

Feed my lambs...isn't it obvious?

This has been an exciting week, full of jet lag and drama. On Monday, I drove myself crazy waiting for Sinae to respond to my long text message. Somehow it seems to have gotten lost in cyberspace since I apparently didn't receive it. Then on Tuesday, I managed to keep myself busier by going to have lunch with a couple friends who work at NGOs in the same office. I had some problems finding the right place and I get a second chance to look around tomorrow. I thought I was going to stay up late tonight but I think I better just get some sleep and start again tomorrow so I can follow the bus signs.

I was excited on Tuesday because I made arrangements to start teaching underprivileged children English at an NGO everyday Monday through Wednesday and perhaps also to teach NGO staff on Thursday nights. I'm kind of waiting to see if Sinae and I work through things overnight and through the weekend. Our lesson for this week is that I like to have open conversations about different possibilities and she likes to think about things on her own and make a decision on her own.

It seems that we've hit a speed bump regarding my desire to help those who can't help themselves. I guess this is a conviction that I take for granted, figuring that most if not all Christians have that same desire. This seems to be difficult for at least some Korean women to accept. Perhaps it is difficult for women, or perhaps just people in general, of all nationalities. And in my case, this is one of those things that is important for me that the other person at least accept, regardless of whether or not she engages in that kind of work herself. I guess we just have to take time to think this through.

I'm sure there is some stuff missing but I'm so tired that I think I'll go to bed and start again in the morning. Hopefully I can finish everything necessary for preparing for classes this week.

I hope you can follow my rambled thoughts, and if so, please help me.:)

Back in Korea

Greetings from South Korea! I arrived here on Friday local time and came directly to Sinae's hometown where I am still on Sunday evening. I'm planning on going to Cheonan, the city I live in, tomorrow around 10am so I can get settled in at "home" doing business that I need to tend to as well as starting to prepare for classes next semester. I'm still not completely sure of what I am doing but I purchased a lot of books from Cambridge University that will hopefully give me some tools on teaching better classes. The internet has a lot available but sometimes I end up spending more time looking than I actually find and these tools seem to describe what the purpose of the activities are.

I also feel like I have a more realistic goal with students this time. Rather than expecting them to be able to have conversation comparable to native English-speaking university students I am setting a goal of them being able to have conversations that I can have with my nieces Emma and Tammy who are 6 and 4 years old, respectively.

It was hard to leave for the airport on Wednesday night Mountain Daylight Time. There were a few moments when I almost started crying as I remembered what I have seen Mom go through. There are some memories, both good and bad, that I don't think I will ever forget. Did I mention that I started crying as I read the last few pages of "Letters to God" to Mom just before she went home. As I read that book, I recalled times when things seemed really unstable with Mom. I learned later (back to me leaving for South Korea) that Mom cried after I left, when she was alone at home and had to do things herself.

For the most part, I am happy to be back in South Korea, though it is hard for me to be so far away from my mom during this time of recovery. I am hoping to go back in January or whenever she has her second surgery to help out around the house like I did this time. Hopefully her blood clots will be long gone by then and she won't have to go through the whole process of going from the OR to ICU to the surgical unit to TCU.

This whole dilemma about whether I should return to Korea or not is an interesting one. There does seem to be a conflict of interests between taking care of Mom at home and continuing my life in South Korea, where I am involved in a deep, romantic relationship. Both relationships are very important. I did ask Mom if she would like me to stick around for a year and she said she didn't think that would be necessary. Of course it wouldn't seem realistic since my job is in South Korea, which I need to pay off my debts and more importantly, this is where my girlfriend lives. I don't know what the future holds but I think we are both hoping marriage is in the future for both of us. This requires a lot of conversations, growth, thinking and praying on both of our parts, both together and separately.

The whole scenario is interesting because early on in our dating relationship, as we talked about our values and how they differ in both cultures I recall telling her family is not as important to me as my relationships with my friends. My how Mom's health condition change my thinking and my actions. I no longer question whether or not family is important but I still wrestle with how to continue to live my life overseas, continuing to grow and learn about others while also taking care of my family.

For me, there is no question that blood is thicker than water. But I think that we sometimes forget that and when we do we hurt those who are closest to us. To prove the significance of this statement, my relationship with my Uncle Kenneth comes to mind. I hesitate to use his name here but I think with the limited traffic of people who come here as well as the fact that he wants to be known for living up to his convictions is enough reason to name him here. Anyway, it is interesting how much he came to mind as I was going through the process of helping Mom and the family out during this eventful visit home. I'd just like to take a few minutes to reflect on these things. I intend to say nothing negative here, since that probably wouldn't do much to build him up or mend fences with our relationship as it stands now.

I think Kenneth probably had a lot to do with my ease of taking care of Mom. If you know Kenneth at all, you know that he lived with his mom (my paternal grandmother) for a number of years and did things that I didn't understand while sacrificing other things. It is not insignificant to me that Kenneth only married after my grandmother passed away. I don't think there was even a question to him of whether or not he should care for his mom except when her health came to the point where he didn't feel he could do enough for her anymore. I learned a lot of consistency from Kenneth, particularly when I was a child. While I disagreed with him regarding some of his views on the status of women he was quick to make sure that he helped women out, rather than holding one view and then expecting them to do those things his rationale said they weren't equipped to do.

That brings the many mowing lessons I had with Kenneth to mind. Of course there were many other lessons he taught me. But this was a basic one. We had conversations about how my brother Bruce, my dad and I should help my mom mow the lawn more. And I learned how to use a John Deere self-propelled push more from Kenneth. I also dare not forget the many lessons he taught Bruce and I when he, my Great Uncle Glen and Grandma would come to Greeley, the city where I lived. We would go shopping together and Kenneth would usually buy something for Bruce and I that we needed, like a tube for our bicycles or a low-priced word-processing program for the computer his older brother, my Uncle Leland, gave Bruce and I. One of the other memories I have came to mind often during my time there because I saw it every time I parked my Honda in my maternal grandpa's garage during my most recent visit.

I was working on my car, a 1970 Ford Galaxie 500, with Shane, someone I went to church with whom I thought needed some TLC. I was in a hurry to get him home before I had to be at work so I wasn't thinking very clearly (Haste certainly did bring about waste on that day). I put the transmission in reverse and it wouldn't go because the parking brake was on. The parking brake release handle was broken so I using adjustable pliers (aka "Channellock" even though that wasn't really the brand of pliers that I used) without putting my footing on the brake pedal. The idle was set quite high on that car and before I shut my door it seemed that car was flying out of the garage until the door caught the middle pilar of that garage and must have pulled the bottom out a good foot. As strong as that Ford was built, my mistake ended up bending the door, something Bruce was able to fix very quickly, partly because of his own ability and partly because of his training in auto body. The next time Kenneth came to Greeley, he fixed that pillar so that it was in at least as good of shape then as it was before my accident.

As I reflect on those things, I realize how important that time was with Kenneth. He was also very supportive of me when I went to college in Boston and Idaho, even though he didn't agree with the views I had taken on as my own. He even drove all the way from Chappell, Nebraska to Nampa, Idaho (This is about a 12 hour drive from Colorado). This meant a lot to me and is something I won't forget.

During these times, Kenneth communicated to me that I am a valuable person and that my views, as far as how close they are to being right, is not as important as our relationship was. And there is a part of me that understands why things have worked out the way they have, at least for now. It is hard to have a deep relationship with someone when your views seem so different, even though it seems to me we are probably closer than what we think, and I don't think Kenneth is interested and perhaps not even able to have a deep relationship with someone whose views are so different from his. So, instead of harboring ill feelings toward Kenneth, I want to remember these lessons he taught me and practice them in my own life. Of course I hope we are able to mend fences at the right time, but I also want to respect his privacy and his own personal convictions.

This reminds me of another lesson I learned, both through various experiences during my time at home and the insight Sinae offered me. I believe Leland also contributed to the lesson that sometimes we need to take the good with the bad in our family experiences and be grateful for what we have, learn from past mistakes, and treasure the gift of family, something not everyone has, rather than shunning our own families for not being the Platonically perfect (Somewhere out there is the perfect family which I should have been given) family. When I think about it that way, I think I have been very blessed. The funny thing is that where my family has sometimes had weaknesses, God blessed me with friends who filled in those holes as well. And sometimes I find myself identifying family members as friends (One of which reads this blog and posts comments regularly).

Now all of this is easier said than done. So I hope you will remind me of these lessons when you find me complaining about the imperfections in my own life.

This is a long post. Thanks for hanging in there. It's almost 11pm here. I think I'll take a look at my notes from the sermon this morning (I was blessed to be able to follow along a little bit this morning, especially when the pastor talked about "in Christ" in Greek. I'm hoping I can find his sermons online since he preaches in Sinae's hometown which is 2 1/2 hours away from me, and also since I think this might be a good way to study Korean. I figure that if I can understand Korean sermons listening to people speak normal speed Korean might be a breeze), brush my teeth, send Sinae a long text message (It's called "Shotmail" in Korea), and get some sleep before tomorrow morning.

I hope you have a blessed day wherever you are.