ICU: Day 1

I came to visit Mom this morning with my maternal grandpa. We stayed here until lunchtime and then joined JoAnn, Bruce, Emma and Tammy (my brother and his family) for lunch. Dad came along to drink a glass of Pepsi and finish off the hamburger that Emma didn't want to finish. After that we came to the hospital and I was surprised to see my mom's cousin Yolanda and her husband Clayton come along to visit. Then Sharon and LeRoy (Mom's younger but not youngest brother and his wife) came along. Katie (my cousin, their daughter) joined them during her lunch break. She might come back tonight with her husband, Ivan.

The report on Mom is that her vitals are good and she is doing better than the surgeon expected her to do. She is still on the breathing machine which they will continue until her breathing is better. She is breathing fast right now, perhaps because of the blood clot. But all in all, the report on her is good. The nurse thinks she is strong and that Mom will make a full recovery.

I would imagine that the most difficult part for Mom is not being able to communicate with us (i.e. talk) though she can understand what we are saying and nod up and down. I would imagine the second hardest thing for her is not being able to serve herself. And perhaps the third hardest thing is asking for more pain medicine when she is hurting. After that, it is difficult for her not to bite down on the breathing tube. I think they are beginning to suspect that they need to give her more medicine when this happens. She had some problems earlier but now she is doing well.

I was blessed to have my Aunt Sharon ask me how I am doing. For me, I am thankful that Mom is still alive. Even though she has tubes going every which way, I am hopeful that she will come through. I did cry for about an hour last night as I remembered all the trauma I've seen Mom go through. I trust these are tears of joy in gratitude for the fact that Mom survived two significant ordeals that seemed to be life-threatening to some extent.

I hesitate to talk about how we are dealing with this as a family but I think it might be helpful to write this down and come to a better understanding of my own thinking and perhaps you can tell me where I am wrong in my thinking. It seems that some of my family is less optimistic. Mom's cousin Ardis suggested this is because they didn't see Mom when her blood clot apparently moved (aka the afternoon episode that seemed like ER central where Mom's heart rate and temperature shot through the roof as she shivered so bad that the bed was shaking). Or perhaps it is just difficult to see Mom in this condition.

For some reason, I am drawn to spending a lot of time with Mom in the hospital. I can't imagine any place I'd rather be and I think it does Mom good to show that she is important enough to spend time with her above all else. Not only that, but I remember when I was sick in the hospital and how difficult it was when my family wasn't around and I got edgy as I wondered when they were going to come. Meanwhile, other family members spend some time with her and go about their other duties. I'm probably not being fair in my expectation that they should be here more since I have little to no responsibility. I am just so thankful to have Mom around and I think we can (I said should but I'm trying to change my thinking with this word) show her our appreciation and love by spending a lot of time here. Now surely I am in the wrong in my thinking, aren't I?

I guess everything is what it is. Surely Mom has a sweet deal with some family members who want to spend a little time with her and one who can't do anything else. I heard a lot about "ministry of presence" in seminary and I find that we can do what we need to do here while keeping Mom company while she gets better.

She's Fine

I am pleased to share the good news that Mom came through the surgery in better condition than the surgeon expected. I would like to make mention of the fact that the surgeon is a woman. What a great thing for a woman to not only be able to have this kind of job but also to be superior at her job. I wish we would've given her applause for the work she did. But I guess we were so numb from everything that we were just glad she came through.

She still has the blood clot and she will be put on blood thinner for the next 6 months and after that they will remove the bag and connect the two pieces of her large intestine. The surgeon removed approximately one foot of Mom's large intestine and said that once Mom recovers she expects Mom to live a normal life, perhaps more normal than she did before.

She is in ICU now and she will hopefully be awake tomorrow morning. Dad and Bruce are in there now. I feel like I should sing the Hallelujah chorus, though the battle is not over. However, this is a HUGE victory. And I am thankful to God for hearing the prayers of many a people, a true testimony of God's love, grace, and forgiveness. I think Mom went into surgery feeling guilty for not taking care of her body and I trust she's going to wake up with gratitude for the grace to experience a second chance at life. She does have a long road and I trust that we will all remember that along the way.

I think that while I sing the Hallelujah chorus I'm going to shed tears of joy and thankfulness for this second chance at life and I intend to live my life differently and love my mother deeper than ever before.

Waiting is SO much fun!

Well, here I am with my family in the waiting room. My mom is being prep'd for an hour surgery with a six-hour waiting time. The anesthesiologist told her that there is a risk in doing surgery with a blood clot so we did some crying hopefully in faith that Mom will make it through. An hour can't be aaaall that bad, can it? I believe, I believe, I believe...

As I am experiencing this moment, my greatest guilt is taking Mom for granted. Mom is not the most dynamic person in the world but she has a heart of gold that leads her into a virtuous life. I remember many times when she helped me with homework until the wee hours of the morning. Of course there were the times when she got mad at me for waiting too long to do my homework.

Then there is the peacemaker side of her. Sometimes she doesn't say much when she disagrees with someone, which makes family members a little confused at times but everybody knows the reason is that she doesn't want to get into an argument with someone. The funny thing is that my girlfriend Sinae thinks this is a good thing. Of course there is a time for disagreeing which Mom does in her own way. Anyway, the point is that Mom is a peacemaker and that IS her greatest virtue.

It saddens me that Mom is kicking herself for not taking care of herself as far as a proper diet is concerned. I think it is very difficult to eat a high-fiber diet in America. And the problem is that it could have just flared up. And if she was at fault, it would seem that the doctors are equally at fault for sending her home two times from the emergency and a physician who turned her away numerous times. Or perhaps there is some truth to the other side of my thinking, that maybe there was nothing they could've done differently. I'm having a hard time believing that right now.

I didn't realize how risky the surgery was until now. There will be a second surgery 6 months after this one, so they can connect her colon again. And there is also the possibility that Mom could be better, the same or worse after surgery. But if she doesn't have the surgery, she will eventually lose to the infection.

It's funny how one's thinking changes in moments like these. I found myself submitting to a smorgasboard of theologies: Free Church, High Church, Protestant, Catholic, Lutheran. Dad liked my prayer except at the end when I went all liturgical and Trinitarian. I guess that was too "Lutheran" for him. That's okay.

I'm feeling better after writing a little bit, except when I think about what is really at stake here. And that scares me to death. Nonetheless, I choose to believe. I was hoping the doctor would come while I was writing this but I guess I don't have that many thoughts. Thanks for suffering through this long blog. I'll post the results as soon as the doctor comes and tells us something. Meanwhile, please eat right and don't let the doctor send you home sick. And above all else, treasure ALL the relationships you have and don't take those closest to you for granted. Thanks for all you are doing for my family and I.

God's Everlasting Shalom!

Update on Mom

After hearing one doctor tell Mom that she is doing okay the surgeon found something in the CT Angiogram that there is a puncture in Mom's colon so they are going to operate as soon as possible. But first they have to stop the blood thinner they've been using on the blood clot. It seems that Mom will have to use a bag for 6 months while her colon heals.

I'm writing this as we wait with her in her hospital room. Thank you for your prayers and concern.

All night in the hospital

I spent the night in the hospital last night with Mom. They moved her to a unit that specializes in watching peoples' hearts because they found that Mom has a blood clot in the artery that goes to her lungs. This is not the only issue and that in no way takes care of her diverticulitis. But apparently they are giving the blood clot priority at this point.

I slept in Mom's room last night and she did pretty well. Her heart is beating so fast that she can hear it in her ears but the nurse assured her that her vital signs are good. Her blood pressure was also higher than before so I think that is a good sign as well.

This is her third day in the hospital so she is anticipating a depressing day. If you are able to visit or send her a card, flowers or whatever I know she would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you for your continued prayers and support.

My Mom

I'm writing about my mom because her health has suddenly taken a turn for the worse. Of course we are hopeful that she will come out stronger on the other side but we would covet your prayers during this time. I'll try to post updates as they become available.

The reason Mom is in the hospital is something called, "diverticulitis". As you may know, this is the infected (though her white blood count doesn't seem to be up yet) form of diverticulosis. She had an episode of chills, a high fever and a rapid heartbeat, but thankfully she came through that. She is waiting on tests to see whether or not she needs to go to ICU.

I'll try to post more after we find out more. Thanks for your prayers and feel free to call us about visiting her as you are available.

Guilt: What is this?

Well it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything on here. I haven’t been exercising lately because of finals but maybe I’ll do that, tonight. That might lead me to do some cleaning around the house before I go to bed tonight. I’d like to start blogging in Korean as well since I think that might force me to learn some new words and my girlfriend will also be able to understand what I am writing. If you catch any mistakes, feel free to post those corrections in the comments section. If my Korean is so bad that you can’t understand anything, I apologize for butchering this highly interesting scientific language. I’m not being facetious. I find myself coming alive when I study Korean.

저는 여기에서 썼어서 오렛만에요. 요즘은 제가 운동하지 않아고 있습니다. 왜냐하면 이번 주에 마지막기말고사들을 있습니다. 하지만 아마 오늘 밤에 저는 그것을 할 것입나다. 아마 그것은 저를 자 전에 집을 청소하는 이끌을 것입니다. 저는 한국어로도 브록하고 싶습니다. 제 생각에는 제가 그것을 한다면 그것은 제가 새로운 말을 배우를 강요할 것입니다. 그리고 제 여자친구는 제 의미를 이해할 수 있습니다. 너희는 제 실수를 찾으면 코멘트로 제 한국어를 정정해주세요. 저는 한국어를 정말 나빠서 너희는 100% 이해못하면 너무 죄송합니다. 저는 농담 말지 않고 있습니다. 제 생각에는 이 과학의 언어느 정말 재밌는 국어입니다. 저는 이 언어를 공부하면 제가 생활 하고 있을 찾습니다.

I’ve been thinking a lot about helping people, lately. It seems that I’m starting to feel guilty about not helping people more than I am. I’m not sure if this is healthy or unhealthy guilt. For those of you who know me, you know that I often experience this debilitating guilt that usually leads me to feel bad about those who “have-not” and rarely leads me to any kind of constructive action.

최근에 저는 사람들을 도와주고에 대해 생각하고 있습니다. 저는 가나한 사람들을 도와주지 않아서 저는 죄를 범한 것 같습니다. 이 생각을 좋아이나 나빠서 저는 잘 모르겠습니다. 너희는 저를 알아서 너희는 제가 이 쇠약하게 유죄를 많이 번에 경험해서 저는 나쁜 생각있지만 가나한 사람들을 도와주지 않압니다.

On the weekend, I usually visit my girlfriend’s hometown and we usually have a very comfortable time together. Little by little, we seem to be getting to know each other better. Unfortunately, because of our language barrier, it is difficult for us to have deep conversation. When we do, I often use a sharp tone with her perhaps as a result of feeling stupid for not being able to understand. Sometimes this is because I am trying to endure a double-whammy: learning a new cultural perspective as well as a new language.

주말에는 보통에 여자친구 고향에 가서 우리는 편안한 시간 있습니다. 조금씩 조금씩 우리는 서로 더 알고 있습니다. 불행하게도 우리 언어 방책 때문에 긴 이야기는 어렵습니다. 우리는 그 이야기하면 저는 자주 민감한 음질을 사용합니다. 아마 왜냐하면 제 생각에는 왜냐하면 저는 이해하지 못해서 저는 바보입니다. 때때로 이것은 왜냐하면 저는 문제 2개 있습니다. 저는 새로운 문화와 언어를 배우고 있습니다.

I am planning on exploring ways to practice community development during the vacation coming up soon but that doesn’t change what I am feeling now. Like I say, I don’t know what this “conviction” means, if it is something that occurs when I feel unfulfilled in my job or if it is something that goes deep within me.

여름 방학도안 저는 어떻게 지역재발할 수 있어서 탐험하고 싶지만 그것은 제 지금 생각을 변화하지 않압니다. 이 확신을 잘 모르겠습니다. 아마 저는 이렇게 생각합니다. 왜냐하면 제 지겁은 저에게 채우지이나 이것은 저안에 긴 있습니다.

Recently, I have found myself thinking a lot about what I did in St. Louis, why I left and whether or not that was a wise move. I did it in the name of getting out of debt and now I wonder what will happen two years from now. There seems to be a part of me that would like to return to St. Louis and there is another part of me that wonders whether it will be possible for me to pick up where I left off or if I would be better to pursue a position in another location.

최근에 저는 세인트 루이스에 대해 생각하고 있습니다. 보기는 왜 저는 세인트 루이스를 출발했습니까? 이것은 지혜했습니까? 저는 한국에 왔습니다. 왜냐하면 저는 빛 없고 싶었습니다. 지금 2년후에 대해 저는 궁굼합니다. 저의 부분은 세인트 루이스에 돌아가고 싶습니다. 다른 부분은 아마 저는 다른 곳에서 일해야합ㄴ니다.

I’ve also been thinking recently about making as much money as I can so that I can help as many people as I can. Today, a colleague challenged me to make teaching English my pursuit. I don’t think he quite understands my interest in helping poor people. I do wonder if “helping the poor” is an ideal that is not reachable and if I would be better to immerse myself into the position I am in and figure out ways to use that position to help others.

저도 많이 돈을 받에 대해 생각하고 있습니다. 그리고 저는 많이 사람들을 도와줄 수 있습니다. 오늘에 동료는 저를 촉구했습니다. 그는 저에게 “다른 나라 사람들에게 영어를 가르치고 싶지 않압니까?” 라고 말했습니다. 제 생각에는 그 사람이 왜 제가 가나한 사람들을 도와주고 싶어서 잘 모르겠습니다. 제 궁굼에는 “가나한 사람들을 도와주고 싶어” 이상입니까? 이 이상은 닿할 수 있습니까? 저는 그냥 이 가르치 근무처에서 저를 파묻어야합니까? 그리고 이 근무처로 다른 사람들을 도와줄 수 있습니까?