After hearing one doctor tell Mom that she is doing okay the surgeon found something in the CT Angiogram that there is a puncture in Mom's colon so they are going to operate as soon as possible. But first they have to stop the blood thinner they've been using on the blood clot. It seems that Mom will have to use a bag for 6 months while her colon heals.
I'm writing this as we wait with her in her hospital room. Thank you for your prayers and concern.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
All night in the hospital
I spent the night in the hospital last night with Mom. They moved her to a unit that specializes in watching peoples' hearts because they found that Mom has a blood clot in the artery that goes to her lungs. This is not the only issue and that in no way takes care of her diverticulitis. But apparently they are giving the blood clot priority at this point.
I slept in Mom's room last night and she did pretty well. Her heart is beating so fast that she can hear it in her ears but the nurse assured her that her vital signs are good. Her blood pressure was also higher than before so I think that is a good sign as well.
This is her third day in the hospital so she is anticipating a depressing day. If you are able to visit or send her a card, flowers or whatever I know she would greatly appreciate it.
Thank you for your continued prayers and support.
I slept in Mom's room last night and she did pretty well. Her heart is beating so fast that she can hear it in her ears but the nurse assured her that her vital signs are good. Her blood pressure was also higher than before so I think that is a good sign as well.
This is her third day in the hospital so she is anticipating a depressing day. If you are able to visit or send her a card, flowers or whatever I know she would greatly appreciate it.
Thank you for your continued prayers and support.
Friday, July 16, 2010
My Mom
I'm writing about my mom because her health has suddenly taken a turn for the worse. Of course we are hopeful that she will come out stronger on the other side but we would covet your prayers during this time. I'll try to post updates as they become available.
The reason Mom is in the hospital is something called, "diverticulitis". As you may know, this is the infected (though her white blood count doesn't seem to be up yet) form of diverticulosis. She had an episode of chills, a high fever and a rapid heartbeat, but thankfully she came through that. She is waiting on tests to see whether or not she needs to go to ICU.
I'll try to post more after we find out more. Thanks for your prayers and feel free to call us about visiting her as you are available.
The reason Mom is in the hospital is something called, "diverticulitis". As you may know, this is the infected (though her white blood count doesn't seem to be up yet) form of diverticulosis. She had an episode of chills, a high fever and a rapid heartbeat, but thankfully she came through that. She is waiting on tests to see whether or not she needs to go to ICU.
I'll try to post more after we find out more. Thanks for your prayers and feel free to call us about visiting her as you are available.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Guilt: What is this?
Well it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything on here. I haven’t been exercising lately because of finals but maybe I’ll do that, tonight. That might lead me to do some cleaning around the house before I go to bed tonight. I’d like to start blogging in Korean as well since I think that might force me to learn some new words and my girlfriend will also be able to understand what I am writing. If you catch any mistakes, feel free to post those corrections in the comments section. If my Korean is so bad that you can’t understand anything, I apologize for butchering this highly interesting scientific language. I’m not being facetious. I find myself coming alive when I study Korean.
저는 여기에서 썼어서 오렛만에요. 요즘은 제가 운동하지 않아고 있습니다. 왜냐하면 이번 주에 마지막기말고사들을 있습니다. 하지만 아마 오늘 밤에 저는 그것을 할 것입나다. 아마 그것은 저를 자 전에 집을 청소하는 이끌을 것입니다. 저는 한국어로도 브록하고 싶습니다. 제 생각에는 제가 그것을 한다면 그것은 제가 새로운 말을 배우를 강요할 것입니다. 그리고 제 여자친구는 제 의미를 이해할 수 있습니다. 너희는 제 실수를 찾으면 코멘트로 제 한국어를 정정해주세요. 저는 한국어를 정말 나빠서 너희는 100% 이해못하면 너무 죄송합니다. 저는 농담 말지 않고 있습니다. 제 생각에는 이 과학의 언어느 정말 재밌는 국어입니다. 저는 이 언어를 공부하면 제가 생활 하고 있을 찾습니다.
I’ve been thinking a lot about helping people, lately. It seems that I’m starting to feel guilty about not helping people more than I am. I’m not sure if this is healthy or unhealthy guilt. For those of you who know me, you know that I often experience this debilitating guilt that usually leads me to feel bad about those who “have-not” and rarely leads me to any kind of constructive action.
최근에 저는 사람들을 도와주고에 대해 생각하고 있습니다. 저는 가나한 사람들을 도와주지 않아서 저는 죄를 범한 것 같습니다. 이 생각을 좋아이나 나빠서 저는 잘 모르겠습니다. 너희는 저를 알아서 너희는 제가 이 쇠약하게 유죄를 많이 번에 경험해서 저는 나쁜 생각있지만 가나한 사람들을 도와주지 않압니다.
On the weekend, I usually visit my girlfriend’s hometown and we usually have a very comfortable time together. Little by little, we seem to be getting to know each other better. Unfortunately, because of our language barrier, it is difficult for us to have deep conversation. When we do, I often use a sharp tone with her perhaps as a result of feeling stupid for not being able to understand. Sometimes this is because I am trying to endure a double-whammy: learning a new cultural perspective as well as a new language.
주말에는 보통에 여자친구 고향에 가서 우리는 편안한 시간 있습니다. 조금씩 조금씩 우리는 서로 더 알고 있습니다. 불행하게도 우리 언어 방책 때문에 긴 이야기는 어렵습니다. 우리는 그 이야기하면 저는 자주 민감한 음질을 사용합니다. 아마 왜냐하면 제 생각에는 왜냐하면 저는 이해하지 못해서 저는 바보입니다. 때때로 이것은 왜냐하면 저는 문제 2개 있습니다. 저는 새로운 문화와 언어를 배우고 있습니다.
I am planning on exploring ways to practice community development during the vacation coming up soon but that doesn’t change what I am feeling now. Like I say, I don’t know what this “conviction” means, if it is something that occurs when I feel unfulfilled in my job or if it is something that goes deep within me.
여름 방학도안 저는 어떻게 지역재발할 수 있어서 탐험하고 싶지만 그것은 제 지금 생각을 변화하지 않압니다. 이 확신을 잘 모르겠습니다. 아마 저는 이렇게 생각합니다. 왜냐하면 제 지겁은 저에게 채우지이나 이것은 저안에 긴 있습니다.
Recently, I have found myself thinking a lot about what I did in St. Louis, why I left and whether or not that was a wise move. I did it in the name of getting out of debt and now I wonder what will happen two years from now. There seems to be a part of me that would like to return to St. Louis and there is another part of me that wonders whether it will be possible for me to pick up where I left off or if I would be better to pursue a position in another location.
최근에 저는 세인트 루이스에 대해 생각하고 있습니다. 보기는 왜 저는 세인트 루이스를 출발했습니까? 이것은 지혜했습니까? 저는 한국에 왔습니다. 왜냐하면 저는 빛 없고 싶었습니다. 지금 2년후에 대해 저는 궁굼합니다. 저의 부분은 세인트 루이스에 돌아가고 싶습니다. 다른 부분은 아마 저는 다른 곳에서 일해야합ㄴ니다.
I’ve also been thinking recently about making as much money as I can so that I can help as many people as I can. Today, a colleague challenged me to make teaching English my pursuit. I don’t think he quite understands my interest in helping poor people. I do wonder if “helping the poor” is an ideal that is not reachable and if I would be better to immerse myself into the position I am in and figure out ways to use that position to help others.
저도 많이 돈을 받에 대해 생각하고 있습니다. 그리고 저는 많이 사람들을 도와줄 수 있습니다. 오늘에 동료는 저를 촉구했습니다. 그는 저에게 “다른 나라 사람들에게 영어를 가르치고 싶지 않압니까?” 라고 말했습니다. 제 생각에는 그 사람이 왜 제가 가나한 사람들을 도와주고 싶어서 잘 모르겠습니다. 제 궁굼에는 “가나한 사람들을 도와주고 싶어” 이상입니까? 이 이상은 닿할 수 있습니까? 저는 그냥 이 가르치 근무처에서 저를 파묻어야합니까? 그리고 이 근무처로 다른 사람들을 도와줄 수 있습니까?
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Problem=>Victory=>Growth
It has been a long time since I’ve posted something on here, which means things are going well. Sinae and I overcame the last mountain. It seems that I may have misunderstood her, which is usually the cause of many of our mountains. I guess that is to be expected in a relationship of any kind, and especially since we are of different cultures and different languages.
I have to admit that I am finding myself in disbelief these days. I keep thinking this can’t work but it keeps on working. Tonight I was just a little bit worried that maybe all was not well but in the last hour or two we’ve been sending messages back and forth and it seems that things are well between us. So far, my first impression of Sinae being a loyal person in a relationship such as this, has yet to be proven wrong. Sometimes she has some trouble with something that comes up and after a little bit of alone time and arranging her own thoughts, and me mine, we come out on top, and I think that our relationship is getting stronger because of it.
Today, I arrived at church right on time. This was directly related to me getting up almost at the same time as my alarms went off. This still left me enough time to prepare for the class I taught this afternoon but we ended up playing other games instead. I found the sermon a little bit difficult to understand as usual, though I did find that if I stopped thinking about anything else and only focused on the pastor I could piece together what he was saying. And of course, the fact that he showed two videos also helped me make sense of what he was saying.
I think I have already referenced, “Why Men Hate Church”. I’m not recommending the book yet since I haven’t read it myself, though I do think the title has a lot of credibility. One of the videos I saw today at church was quite humorous and apparently originally directed at an English-speaking audience. Since it didn’t have much speaking from the main characters, there was not much need for a translation. The video seemed to point to the fact that a guy sometimes doesn’t fit into a traditional church service and he ends up spending more time trying to do what everyone else is doing rather than doing the things that mean the most to him personally as it relates to his relationships with other people and his relationship with God. I’m not sure if that was the original intent or if that was even the intent of the pastor, but that was my sense of it, along with a video showing Father’s School (아버지 학교), which showed men praying and hugging together as well as doing service projects. I think this fits my idea of church much better and I wonder how it suits the thinking of most men. If this has some credence to it, I wonder how the Church can bridge this gap between women and men. I’m sure there is some credence from the feminist voice for not making the church too masculine but I also wonder if there is a need to take seriously these major gender differences in order to fulfill God’s mission for the Church.
I have to admit that I am finding myself in disbelief these days. I keep thinking this can’t work but it keeps on working. Tonight I was just a little bit worried that maybe all was not well but in the last hour or two we’ve been sending messages back and forth and it seems that things are well between us. So far, my first impression of Sinae being a loyal person in a relationship such as this, has yet to be proven wrong. Sometimes she has some trouble with something that comes up and after a little bit of alone time and arranging her own thoughts, and me mine, we come out on top, and I think that our relationship is getting stronger because of it.
Today, I arrived at church right on time. This was directly related to me getting up almost at the same time as my alarms went off. This still left me enough time to prepare for the class I taught this afternoon but we ended up playing other games instead. I found the sermon a little bit difficult to understand as usual, though I did find that if I stopped thinking about anything else and only focused on the pastor I could piece together what he was saying. And of course, the fact that he showed two videos also helped me make sense of what he was saying.
I think I have already referenced, “Why Men Hate Church”. I’m not recommending the book yet since I haven’t read it myself, though I do think the title has a lot of credibility. One of the videos I saw today at church was quite humorous and apparently originally directed at an English-speaking audience. Since it didn’t have much speaking from the main characters, there was not much need for a translation. The video seemed to point to the fact that a guy sometimes doesn’t fit into a traditional church service and he ends up spending more time trying to do what everyone else is doing rather than doing the things that mean the most to him personally as it relates to his relationships with other people and his relationship with God. I’m not sure if that was the original intent or if that was even the intent of the pastor, but that was my sense of it, along with a video showing Father’s School (아버지 학교), which showed men praying and hugging together as well as doing service projects. I think this fits my idea of church much better and I wonder how it suits the thinking of most men. If this has some credence to it, I wonder how the Church can bridge this gap between women and men. I’m sure there is some credence from the feminist voice for not making the church too masculine but I also wonder if there is a need to take seriously these major gender differences in order to fulfill God’s mission for the Church.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
"What I Do Is My Business and Only My Business" What a Misconception
I had a good weekend with Sinae. We decided to draw a conservative physical boundary to ensure that we would have many deep conversations over the next few months. Sometimes it is more comfortable just to get physical because of our cultural and language barriers. So we both felt really good after keeping that boundary and having many deep conversations. I learned a lot about her family which explained why they have the concerns they have about us. I also told her some of the reasons why I think we have different understandings on the importance of family which she greeted with welcome arms so we seemed to have some mutual understanding without wholly understanding the other person’s thinking. Unfortunately, we had another qualm today which I will say more about in a minute.
Last night I set my alarm for the wrong time which resulted in me getting up an hour later than I should’ve. I didn’t realize this until I got out of bed. Had I skipped breakfast, I would’ve only been a few minutes late but I didn’t want to skip breakfast so I wound up choosing to eat breakfast rather than going to church. I thought I would just go late but with the distraction of reading some blogs I wasn’t ready until 11:30 or so. By that time it was too late to go to the service which usually ends at 12:00. So I decided to stay home and prepare for the English class I had to teach at the same church this afternoon. Incidentally, I saw a man at the park who is known as “Chaplain” by the International Church where he attends. I haven’t seen him in quite a while so it was nice to cross paths with him. Unfortunately, I couldn’t talk to him long because I had to teach the class at church. It was funny how he greeted me: “Hey, American Guy!” For some reason I wasn’t offended when I realized who it was. I went to the International Church and really enjoyed talking to him because he was blunt.
I taught the class at Grace Church (천안 은혜교회) and it seemed to go fairly well. I wrote out questions from an ESL website that involved scrambled sentences and trivia questions about Europe and the USA. I divided the class into two teams and had a competition back and forth. Because one student was better at English than the other students I had to be careful that he didn’t get all the glory.
After the class, I went with Yeon Sook (연숙씨), a good church friend to have lunch, since I skipped lunch in order to prepare for the English class. After that we went to an inauguration service at another church. While I was there, I was surprised to see the president of KNU (나사렛대학교), the university where I work, join the others on the platform. Then I remembered what a close relationship the university has with churches of the same denomination.
After the service, I headed home, thinking I would have some time to prepare for this week or rest for a while. Then I read a text message from my friend So-Hee (소희) who graduated from the university where I work and we wound up having sam-gyup-sal (삼겹살) with a student and one of her other friends. I was surprised how little they dominated the conversation. It turned out to be a pretty good conversation, though I was tired by the end.
I sent Sinae a text message in response to her message to me and somewhere around that time everything went south. It seems that the fact that I didn’t go to church was a really big deal to her. I wondered if it might be but since this happened once before I didn’t think it would be a big deal to her now. I was wrong. Perhaps that explains why she didn’t respond for a while. I sent her the message at 1pm telling her I didn’t go to church and she asked me about it this evening. She usually takes a nap in the afternoon so this may have had something to do with it.
The worst part about this is that when something starts to bother her she likes to have time to herself to think about this. This is hard for me to understand because if I am alone my molehills become mountains. But for her, it seems to be the opposite. I was afraid she might want alone time, which means we may not talk on the phone again until Thursday night.
Her concern is that she wants to be with someone who is a good spiritual leader. I expressed my concern about whether it is important for me to go to church when I can’t understand the Korean sermon and I am not needed in that service. Of course I believe I should go to church, but I also need to see the practical reason for it, especially because of my INTJ personality. Before I started dating her, I dreamed of talking with my girlfriend and, eventually, wife, about the many questions in my head. Of course I was just dreaming of my own conception of the perfect woman. But now I’m beginning to wonder if this is possible. I’m not sure what I could’ve done differently except to say much less about why I didn’t go to church. Since Sinae asked me, “You didn’t listen to the service?” in Korean which I understand to mean, “You didn’t go to church?” I thought she wanted to know why I didn’t go to church. Then I figured that because she has struggled with a lot of questions herself, that she would understand my situation, particularly because I don’t speak or understand Korean well. But this time my suspicions were dead wrong.
I suspect her disconcerted feelings are related to the problem we had last Sunday (exactly a week ago). I was frustrated in the church service because I couldn’t understand what the pastor was saying, again because he preached in Korean. Apparently I am in the valley of culture shock, tired of not being able to understand Korean spoken at the speed of fluency, feeling stupid, as if I will never learn to speak Korean fluently. I expressed that concern to Sinae in some passive-aggressive ways (see previous blogs for further details) which led to having a disagreement. That issue was related to cultural understandings and a bad tone on my part. But this time it was about my own personal struggle which apparently also hits home with Sinae.
I thought there might be someone else who has talked about this struggle online (http://www.musicademy.com/2009/03/why-men-hate-going-to-church/). I couldn’t find much on the search, “What is the point of going to church when you can’t understand a sermon which is in another language?” but I did stumble across an article about David Murrow’s book, “Why Men Hate Going to Church.” I found this article quite stimulating, affirming and reassuring that I am not the only one who struggles to go to church.
While I could pass this off as simply being about culture or language, I think that is only part of the puzzle. I do think there is a very real inner struggle in me about going to church. I’m not sure where this comes from, since I loved going to church when I was a child. Perhaps it happened when I started to think about the implications or because I struggled with my faith or was involved in a church whose numbers dwindled down from nearly 40 people to somewhere around 10 people. I’m not sure about the numbers but there was no argument that the church lost people as a result of a pastoral change or perhaps because of the behavior of some of the people in the church at that time.
Well, I have yet to receive a reply to my text message, and perhaps I have found another issue that I have to sort through in order to be healthy so that I can be a better person and so that I can be the boyfriend that Sinae needs. Hold on...I just received a response. I’m a little nervous but I better check it out.
Last night I set my alarm for the wrong time which resulted in me getting up an hour later than I should’ve. I didn’t realize this until I got out of bed. Had I skipped breakfast, I would’ve only been a few minutes late but I didn’t want to skip breakfast so I wound up choosing to eat breakfast rather than going to church. I thought I would just go late but with the distraction of reading some blogs I wasn’t ready until 11:30 or so. By that time it was too late to go to the service which usually ends at 12:00. So I decided to stay home and prepare for the English class I had to teach at the same church this afternoon. Incidentally, I saw a man at the park who is known as “Chaplain” by the International Church where he attends. I haven’t seen him in quite a while so it was nice to cross paths with him. Unfortunately, I couldn’t talk to him long because I had to teach the class at church. It was funny how he greeted me: “Hey, American Guy!” For some reason I wasn’t offended when I realized who it was. I went to the International Church and really enjoyed talking to him because he was blunt.
I taught the class at Grace Church (천안 은혜교회) and it seemed to go fairly well. I wrote out questions from an ESL website that involved scrambled sentences and trivia questions about Europe and the USA. I divided the class into two teams and had a competition back and forth. Because one student was better at English than the other students I had to be careful that he didn’t get all the glory.
After the class, I went with Yeon Sook (연숙씨), a good church friend to have lunch, since I skipped lunch in order to prepare for the English class. After that we went to an inauguration service at another church. While I was there, I was surprised to see the president of KNU (나사렛대학교), the university where I work, join the others on the platform. Then I remembered what a close relationship the university has with churches of the same denomination.
After the service, I headed home, thinking I would have some time to prepare for this week or rest for a while. Then I read a text message from my friend So-Hee (소희) who graduated from the university where I work and we wound up having sam-gyup-sal (삼겹살) with a student and one of her other friends. I was surprised how little they dominated the conversation. It turned out to be a pretty good conversation, though I was tired by the end.
I sent Sinae a text message in response to her message to me and somewhere around that time everything went south. It seems that the fact that I didn’t go to church was a really big deal to her. I wondered if it might be but since this happened once before I didn’t think it would be a big deal to her now. I was wrong. Perhaps that explains why she didn’t respond for a while. I sent her the message at 1pm telling her I didn’t go to church and she asked me about it this evening. She usually takes a nap in the afternoon so this may have had something to do with it.
The worst part about this is that when something starts to bother her she likes to have time to herself to think about this. This is hard for me to understand because if I am alone my molehills become mountains. But for her, it seems to be the opposite. I was afraid she might want alone time, which means we may not talk on the phone again until Thursday night.
Her concern is that she wants to be with someone who is a good spiritual leader. I expressed my concern about whether it is important for me to go to church when I can’t understand the Korean sermon and I am not needed in that service. Of course I believe I should go to church, but I also need to see the practical reason for it, especially because of my INTJ personality. Before I started dating her, I dreamed of talking with my girlfriend and, eventually, wife, about the many questions in my head. Of course I was just dreaming of my own conception of the perfect woman. But now I’m beginning to wonder if this is possible. I’m not sure what I could’ve done differently except to say much less about why I didn’t go to church. Since Sinae asked me, “You didn’t listen to the service?” in Korean which I understand to mean, “You didn’t go to church?” I thought she wanted to know why I didn’t go to church. Then I figured that because she has struggled with a lot of questions herself, that she would understand my situation, particularly because I don’t speak or understand Korean well. But this time my suspicions were dead wrong.
I suspect her disconcerted feelings are related to the problem we had last Sunday (exactly a week ago). I was frustrated in the church service because I couldn’t understand what the pastor was saying, again because he preached in Korean. Apparently I am in the valley of culture shock, tired of not being able to understand Korean spoken at the speed of fluency, feeling stupid, as if I will never learn to speak Korean fluently. I expressed that concern to Sinae in some passive-aggressive ways (see previous blogs for further details) which led to having a disagreement. That issue was related to cultural understandings and a bad tone on my part. But this time it was about my own personal struggle which apparently also hits home with Sinae.
I thought there might be someone else who has talked about this struggle online (http://www.musicademy.com/2009/03/why-men-hate-going-to-church/). I couldn’t find much on the search, “What is the point of going to church when you can’t understand a sermon which is in another language?” but I did stumble across an article about David Murrow’s book, “Why Men Hate Going to Church.” I found this article quite stimulating, affirming and reassuring that I am not the only one who struggles to go to church.
While I could pass this off as simply being about culture or language, I think that is only part of the puzzle. I do think there is a very real inner struggle in me about going to church. I’m not sure where this comes from, since I loved going to church when I was a child. Perhaps it happened when I started to think about the implications or because I struggled with my faith or was involved in a church whose numbers dwindled down from nearly 40 people to somewhere around 10 people. I’m not sure about the numbers but there was no argument that the church lost people as a result of a pastoral change or perhaps because of the behavior of some of the people in the church at that time.
Well, I have yet to receive a reply to my text message, and perhaps I have found another issue that I have to sort through in order to be healthy so that I can be a better person and so that I can be the boyfriend that Sinae needs. Hold on...I just received a response. I’m a little nervous but I better check it out.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Potential Negative Thinking Turns Out Well
I have several files with the same name for some reason. Apparently there is enough similarity between the names to get them confused but enough difference to keep them separate. I’m sure there is a lesson in there somewhere. Suffice it to say that someday I’m going to have a headache merging all those things together.
My Uncle Leland told me to beware of using “should” in my blogs. I can’t find it but apparently my sense of guilt is implied in this language of what the voices in my head are telling me to do. Please feel free to remind me of this if you see this in my writing.
Today has not been a perfect day but I have been surprised to see the way my thinking changed from bad to good. This started with an awkward conversation with a student over dinner. I told him some time ago that I was going to make sam-gyeopsal (삼겹살) and he said that we should eat dinner together sometime after Mid-terms. I agreed and today ended up being that day. For some reason he has a hard time understanding my Korean and English pronunciation. Eventually I got frustrated to the point of not talking unless I absolutely had to when I started to think about Sinae. I remembered what she told me about how uncomfortable it makes her when I complain about Korean culture. My first thought was, “Well, I just won’t tell her about this.” Of course I’m not good at that sort of thing so I quickly realized that if I didn’t want to tell her I had a bad experience that I had to figure out a way to tell her that would be positive. Before I knew it, I found myself turn an uncomfortable situation into a positive one by remembering that not everybody has troubles with my pronunciation in Korean OR English and that perhaps I just needed to talk slow and keep trying to speak in Korean. Of course his roommate (or friend anyway) came and could understand my Korean AND my English for the most part and before I knew it I was comfortable. The first student’s name is Min-Cheol (민철), who told me on the way back to campus that my Korean pronunciation was improving. I said thank you and quickly added that he was probably just getting used to it. He agreed. I was so happy that I didn’t have to mess with the burden of telling Sinae about a bad experience but rather, about an initially uncomfortable experience that turned out well.
I had a second situation that also lended itself to negative thinking and problems with Sinae if I didn’t deal with it properly. I met a friend of mine who can’t see. His name is Gil-Jun (길준) and he can speak English better than I can speak Korean, and probably better than most of my students. He humbles me often as I see how comfortable he is with himself and how he is able to live independently, whereas I often find myself being enslaved to my own hindrances that seem much less excusable than for him to complain about not being able to see. Now his English is good but it is not perfect. This means that we often have problems communicating. Either he doesn’t understand my English or I don’t understand his. While there are some people I try to communicate with primarily in Korean he seems to want to practice English with me so I usually only speak Korean with him if we are with his girlfriend or someone else who can’t speak English well.
Here again was another situation where I found myself handling the situation differently than I have in the past, probably again thinking about what Sinae has said recently about criticizing Korean culture. I have found myself thinking a lot today about how these Koreans that I meet all day long are her people. I found myself respecting Koreans more than usual when I don’t understand Korean culture by making mental notes of questions I have about Korean culture without being critical about why people do the things they do. Usually I ask students, “Why does that matter in Korean culture?” but I didn’t today because I think that more often than not those answers are dissatisfactory because of language and cultural barriers which often lead to further complications down the road, i.e. with Sinae. I will try to list those questions at the end of this entry.
I told Gil-Jun about my problems with Sinae over the weekend which I perceive to be mostly my fault since I was the one who had the bad attitude. It seemed that Gil-Jun was giving me advice that presumed the relationship would go beyond where it is, something I’m not wanting to entertain at this moment simply because I want to live in the moment without dwelling on the anticipations of what may happen in the future. For the record, I hope this relationship will continue for a long time, lest there be any misunderstandings about that.
Now usually when there is an obstacle between Gil-Jun and I because of the language problem I find myself complaining inside that I just can’t be close friends with anyone who is a Korean. But I learned over the weekend that I have to stop that kind of thinking, which probably has less to do with people who happen to have been born in another culture and country and more to do with my own personal issues of not liking who I am and then diffusing that on others by imagining there is a perfect friend out there who just doesn’t live in Korea. The reality is probably that such a person doesn’t exist and that I ought to be thankful for the people who may not be perfectly perfect but could be great friends for me and hopefully I can return the favor to them. Shortly after this, Gil-Jun’s girlfriend Han-Ol (한올) came to his apartment with a new rice-cooker. After helping them deal with recycled goods, something Korea seems to be more organized with than America, we had ddeok-bokki, soondae (pigs intestines), and twigeem. This was a very fun and comfortable time for me, mostly because this is some of my favorite Korean food and the company was comfortable. And also because what happened to be uncomfortable at some points also gave me a lot of joy and satisfaction in the end. And now I have survived my second night of alone time not feeling a burden about the struggle of being alone or second-guessing Sinae and why she needs this alone time. I think I am doing better with this than I have in previous weeks. I also feel like she is compromising by constantly offering to have a conversation when needed. And I am compromising by giving her the space she needs while also looking forward to seeing her again on Friday if that works out as planned.
Now as for culture, here are the things that came up today in conversation. (1) Why do Koreans go to church during the sunrise every day (Monday or Tuesday-Friday or Saturday), on Wednesday, Friday and sometimes Saturday nights, as well as the 9:00, 11:00 or Sunday evening service? (2) Why are students of different ages or years (i.e. Freshmen, Seniors etc.) usually not friends with one another? I thought I had more than that but apparently that is all I can think of right now. I think that after I spend some time thinking about my questions about family that I will want to spend some time learning Buddhism, Confucianism and Shamanism, three major religions or worldviews that have highly influenced Koreans. Of course Christianity has influenced Korean culture or at least Koreans themselves, particularly Protestant Christians. I was surprised to see titles of books about the relationship between Protestant Churches and Nationalism in Korea.
My Uncle Leland told me to beware of using “should” in my blogs. I can’t find it but apparently my sense of guilt is implied in this language of what the voices in my head are telling me to do. Please feel free to remind me of this if you see this in my writing.
Today has not been a perfect day but I have been surprised to see the way my thinking changed from bad to good. This started with an awkward conversation with a student over dinner. I told him some time ago that I was going to make sam-gyeopsal (삼겹살) and he said that we should eat dinner together sometime after Mid-terms. I agreed and today ended up being that day. For some reason he has a hard time understanding my Korean and English pronunciation. Eventually I got frustrated to the point of not talking unless I absolutely had to when I started to think about Sinae. I remembered what she told me about how uncomfortable it makes her when I complain about Korean culture. My first thought was, “Well, I just won’t tell her about this.” Of course I’m not good at that sort of thing so I quickly realized that if I didn’t want to tell her I had a bad experience that I had to figure out a way to tell her that would be positive. Before I knew it, I found myself turn an uncomfortable situation into a positive one by remembering that not everybody has troubles with my pronunciation in Korean OR English and that perhaps I just needed to talk slow and keep trying to speak in Korean. Of course his roommate (or friend anyway) came and could understand my Korean AND my English for the most part and before I knew it I was comfortable. The first student’s name is Min-Cheol (민철), who told me on the way back to campus that my Korean pronunciation was improving. I said thank you and quickly added that he was probably just getting used to it. He agreed. I was so happy that I didn’t have to mess with the burden of telling Sinae about a bad experience but rather, about an initially uncomfortable experience that turned out well.
I had a second situation that also lended itself to negative thinking and problems with Sinae if I didn’t deal with it properly. I met a friend of mine who can’t see. His name is Gil-Jun (길준) and he can speak English better than I can speak Korean, and probably better than most of my students. He humbles me often as I see how comfortable he is with himself and how he is able to live independently, whereas I often find myself being enslaved to my own hindrances that seem much less excusable than for him to complain about not being able to see. Now his English is good but it is not perfect. This means that we often have problems communicating. Either he doesn’t understand my English or I don’t understand his. While there are some people I try to communicate with primarily in Korean he seems to want to practice English with me so I usually only speak Korean with him if we are with his girlfriend or someone else who can’t speak English well.
Here again was another situation where I found myself handling the situation differently than I have in the past, probably again thinking about what Sinae has said recently about criticizing Korean culture. I have found myself thinking a lot today about how these Koreans that I meet all day long are her people. I found myself respecting Koreans more than usual when I don’t understand Korean culture by making mental notes of questions I have about Korean culture without being critical about why people do the things they do. Usually I ask students, “Why does that matter in Korean culture?” but I didn’t today because I think that more often than not those answers are dissatisfactory because of language and cultural barriers which often lead to further complications down the road, i.e. with Sinae. I will try to list those questions at the end of this entry.
I told Gil-Jun about my problems with Sinae over the weekend which I perceive to be mostly my fault since I was the one who had the bad attitude. It seemed that Gil-Jun was giving me advice that presumed the relationship would go beyond where it is, something I’m not wanting to entertain at this moment simply because I want to live in the moment without dwelling on the anticipations of what may happen in the future. For the record, I hope this relationship will continue for a long time, lest there be any misunderstandings about that.
Now usually when there is an obstacle between Gil-Jun and I because of the language problem I find myself complaining inside that I just can’t be close friends with anyone who is a Korean. But I learned over the weekend that I have to stop that kind of thinking, which probably has less to do with people who happen to have been born in another culture and country and more to do with my own personal issues of not liking who I am and then diffusing that on others by imagining there is a perfect friend out there who just doesn’t live in Korea. The reality is probably that such a person doesn’t exist and that I ought to be thankful for the people who may not be perfectly perfect but could be great friends for me and hopefully I can return the favor to them. Shortly after this, Gil-Jun’s girlfriend Han-Ol (한올) came to his apartment with a new rice-cooker. After helping them deal with recycled goods, something Korea seems to be more organized with than America, we had ddeok-bokki, soondae (pigs intestines), and twigeem. This was a very fun and comfortable time for me, mostly because this is some of my favorite Korean food and the company was comfortable. And also because what happened to be uncomfortable at some points also gave me a lot of joy and satisfaction in the end. And now I have survived my second night of alone time not feeling a burden about the struggle of being alone or second-guessing Sinae and why she needs this alone time. I think I am doing better with this than I have in previous weeks. I also feel like she is compromising by constantly offering to have a conversation when needed. And I am compromising by giving her the space she needs while also looking forward to seeing her again on Friday if that works out as planned.
Now as for culture, here are the things that came up today in conversation. (1) Why do Koreans go to church during the sunrise every day (Monday or Tuesday-Friday or Saturday), on Wednesday, Friday and sometimes Saturday nights, as well as the 9:00, 11:00 or Sunday evening service? (2) Why are students of different ages or years (i.e. Freshmen, Seniors etc.) usually not friends with one another? I thought I had more than that but apparently that is all I can think of right now. I think that after I spend some time thinking about my questions about family that I will want to spend some time learning Buddhism, Confucianism and Shamanism, three major religions or worldviews that have highly influenced Koreans. Of course Christianity has influenced Korean culture or at least Koreans themselves, particularly Protestant Christians. I was surprised to see titles of books about the relationship between Protestant Churches and Nationalism in Korea.
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