Yesterday (Sunday) I was reminded of the things I've done to get through the last thirty-two years (or thirty-three years if you are in Korea) that have not always been healthy but have gotten me through a lot of difficult circumstances that I didn't understand and if I allowed myself may have caused me to go insane. Well at least that is how I see it. If you are from my father's side of the family you know exactly what I am talking about...being critical.
It seems that my college and seminary careers foster this natural cynicism that I grew up with to some extent and have been aware of but only now do I realize the real urgency of changing my thinking. It certainly isn't any easier now than before but now I have more of a sense of urgency and I think that given the fact that this is my third entry in one night hopefully demonstrates my desire to change. But we all know that the first step is easier than following through, at least on something like this where I'm not sure that people even read this blog very often. No offense if you're reading this now.
I’m not sure how, but somehow this cynicism exposed itself slightly on Saturday and moreso on Sunday. I think I had some legitimate concerns, like how I can have deep conversation with my Korean girlfriend in the same language, what to make of the voices that are telling me this can’t really work and why I can’t understand a Korean sermon after living in Korea for two years but rather than express these concerns (obviously the second one is something I have to figure out for myself) honestly or try to figure them out without planting seeds of doubt in my girlfriend’s mind (I think I want to call her by her name from now on) I used the passive-aggressive tool that has been my bed-fellow for so long, being critical. Note: this is not to be confused with critical thinking which I take to be a good thing.
And the cultural difference that goes along with this conflict is that related to the importance of family. This is something I have probably wondered about for a long time, perhaps before I moved to Korea. In my family, I have seen some brokenness that has probably lended itself to more brokenness in subsequent generations. This of course is merely speculation and I’m sure there is as much evidence against this as there is for this. But hearing negative talk about my paternal grandfather, all the things he did to cause discourse not just in the immediate family but in the extended family, the things his father did to feed his bad habits and the things that are happening now, has caused me to wonder what the importance is of family.
Then, of course there also seem to be suggestions in the Bible that the family is not THE most important thing in the world. From the early command that a man shall leave his parents (or perhaps family) and cleave to his wife, God’s call (or command, which could amount to a debate grounded in semantics) to Abram (later to be called Abraham) to leave his land, family and father’s household, along with Jesus identification of those who follow him as his mother and brothers and the Lukan account of Jesus telling prospective followers that if they want to follow him they are to hate their own family members. In one gospel account, I recall one person expressing interest in being Jesus’ disciple but feeling the need to bury his own parent, to which Jesus tells him to let the dead bury the dead.
In my own personal experience, I have had many encounters with people who were under no obligation to do what they did for me, which would suggest to me they were as much my own “family” as those I was related to. But all the while, I don’t want to underemphasize the importance of my real family. My own mother has supported me through every phase of my life, regardless of whether she always agreed with my choices. And my relationship with my father has come a long ways, having grown by leaps and bounds since our strong disagreement about where I should go to school, which led to four, five or six of the most difficult years in terms of our relationship. And of course my maternal grandparents were an unbelievable blessing to me, treating me as one of their friends rather than merely as a grandson. They modeled Christian faith for me in very quiet but convicting ways. And of course my paternal grandmother always cared for me, though the way she expressed this love was not what I thought I needed at the time. I am grateful for the way she opened her mind up to my perspective especially towards the latter part of her life. I’ll never forget the time when I was so upset about her thoughts regarding a youth conference in another state that I started crying and left the table. My mom as my witness, my maternal grandma’s attitude toward me seemed different from that time forward.
And of course the real reason why I am writing on this subject: the importance of family in Korean culture. This is significant to me because I am dating a Korean woman, now. It seems apparent by our willingness to endure through the difficult moments of misunderstanding, that we really like each other and that this liking for one another has the potential to grow into love for one another. But there is a slight obstacle: that is our understanding of family and more important, the importance of her relationship with her family, particularly with her parents. Unfortunately, I have heard a lot of accounts of foreigners who dated Koreans only to break up because the Korean family didn’t approve of their daughter or son marrying a foreigner. And in my case this is a situation that causes concern and anxiety for me because in my experience, parents don’t change their mind easily.
But that is something I don’t have any control over. I have a lot of reason to believe the Sinae is willing to overcome this mountain in order to have a relationship with me. After having had lunch with her brother, I think I understand at least her family’s culture a little bit more. And I was relieved to receive a text message from her mom tonight in response to my text message wishing her a happy mother’s day. She said, “I hope you will be healthy and have a strong mind in the Lord.” And of course she said thank you for sending her that message.
So now the next step is to finish the book I’m currently reading and start learning about family in Korean culture. I think I’ll finish the chapter I’m working on in my Korean language book, say a prayer regarding all the things I have written about tonight, send a good night text-message to Sinae and call it a night.
