Today was a long day. I guess I said that yesterday. But today was filled with responsibilities with no play time in between. I started my day at 7am and got home a little before 9pm. After that I drank some water and started working on an evaluation sheet for a test I am giving tomorrow. Evaluating the class I had on Tuesday was very difficult so I made a rubric of sorts tonight. After that I added some Korean vocabulary words. I’m not sure if it is completely helpful but I don’t think it is helping me to fly through the textbook without learning these words. Now that I think about it, I should probably separate the nouns from the verbs and try to write sentences using those words. This is a long process but I think a lack of Korean ability is contributing to my feelings of inadequacy. I said contributing, not that it is the main reason or cause of these feelings.
Today was a fairly routine day of free-talking after meeting with my early morning Bible study crew. The topic of today was Jesus casting the demon out of the man in the cemetary in Mark’s gospel. This led to a brief discussion of whether demons really exist. I tapped into my experience in an urban church in Kansas City where we sang, “Victory is Mine.” This song makes no explicit reference to God but it does refer to Satan. I suggested to those who question the existence of demons that we think of demons as those things that lead us to believe things that are not true, such as thinking we have to get drunk one more time or get one more fix on the street or being lured away from studying by chatting online or playing video games or whatever. This is an interesting experience because most of the people in the group seem to be Christians to some extent while two people are not Christians. I try to be affirming of those who trust Christ as their savior while also trying to be sensitive to those who are not Christians.
The victory came for me today when I went to lunch with a colleague. I thought this was a routine “go to lunch with a collegue” day. I realized differently when he knocked on the window of the building where we met and a mother and her daughter came inside the building. I realized then that it was an attempt to have me help her or her daughter with her English. Knowing what was ahead, even though I didn’t have any warning about this beforehand, I decided before anybody asked me that I would say no because my plate is already fuller than it needs to be. I think this surprised my colleague since I have developed the reputation on campus of always saying yes when people ask me for favors. I tried to gently explain that I am already doing to much and that my plate is full (without the idiom I hope). This didn’t seem to make much sense so he kept pushing. Finally I expressed my frustration over feeling like a commodity whose obligation it is to help people learn English. My ultimate bluntness came when I said that many people want me to help them but not too many people were interested in helping me when I had food poisoning or when my emotions are out of sort. I guess I looked like a bum who had lost his enthusiasm since I was enthusiastic when I came. Interestingly enough, he mentioned something to her about Vietnam which I said nothing about. I have expressed interest to him in moving to Vietnam and I suspected that he told her about this as if I had lost my love for Korea in hopes of moving to Vietnam.
I felt good about this in a way and bad about this in another way. I have met many people by helping them with their English. This has also given me opportunity to practice Korean since people sometimes struggle to listen or speak in English. But sometimes this is a realization that what seems like a friendship is only that on the surface and that the “friendship” only succeeds as long as I do people favors. I hope that is not true in this case but I guess time will tell.
After lunch I was exhausted. I don’t know if it was the emotional drain of saying no and wondering if I did the right thing or if it was a lack of sleep or just the exhaustion of my emotional disposition. After some free-talking students left, I had no energy to do anything. But then I was revived when a colleague knocked on my door to offer me coffee and a quote about letting people know they are not alone. After this, I had energy to do the things I was needing to do and my disposition changed. I was finally able to overcome my emotions and get ready for doing other things.
I wasn’t sure if the students I usually go to dinner with were going to come so I started to contemplate going to a restaurant alone which would also give me practice speaking in Korean. I’m glad I waited though since they came after all. They were not late, it just seemed to me that they were because my free-talking students before them left early to prepare for a major test tonight.
Having dinner with the students was a bit strange due to a combination of issues. We went a little ways from the campus where a student suggested. But when we got there they said it was too expensive. So we went to another restaurant that was about the same price. I told them I didn’t have time to keep walking around to the different restaurants since I had another class to teach after dinner. One of the students who is in one of my classes expressed interest, through one of the other students, in having me help him with his grammar. His English communication skills are quite low and I have not seen him put forth much effort in the class. In the end I said we’d see if he shows up whenever we decide is a good time to meet. One of the frustrating things that happened shortly after we got to the second restaurant was when two of the three guys said they needed to go to the toilet. The truth was that they “needed” to smoke. I didn’t realize this until they came back to the table and I could smell the cigarette smoke. This frustrated me because the other student and I had been waiting for them to order. In the end, I was ten minutes late to the class at city hall as a result of this situation.
Oddly enough, the most rewarding part of the day came at the end of the day. This is one of those things that I said yes to that does wear me out in a certain way but is rather fulfilling. The people who go to that class are more motivated than university students and their English level is high enough that we can have intelligent conversation. This gives me the ability to ask a lot of interesting questions. Tonight we talked about driving and who we’d be the most comfortable riding with. It ended up being a philosophical conversation to some extent and the people seemed to respond well to it though sometimes it was difficult for them to respond to my questions. Even though I am a difficult person to put up with in general because of the difficult questions, I feel like I can be myself in that type of setting. Of course I worry that I am not doing good enough or that I am giving those with the highest English level the most opportunities to speak. I’ve been trying to go around and ask different people questions.
After that I came home without a depressed feeling, finished writing up an evaluation sheet, added some Korean words to a spreadsheet I started over winter vacation and after I post this, I will be ready to brush my teeth and go to bed after a few moments of reflection. This is difficult for me since I am not good at sitting still and doing nothing more than being quiet.
But I can’t forget the highlight of my day. That was talking to my Korean cousin about a traditional dress she would like me to buy for her and take it to her in the US. You all know I am not much of a clothing shopper so this should be an interesting experience.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
A Good Day in Hindsight
Today has been a long day. This is typical of most Tuesdays. It started with an early morning “Bible study” at 7am, then a faculty/staff chapel at 8am, followed by a Mid-Term exam in my 9:00 class. The mid-term did not go as well as planned because of the language barrier and some students not doing as well as I had anticipated. I take this to be due to the language barrier and perhaps a lack of studying on their parts. It is the language barrier that makes it difficult to know how to grade the students in a way that is fair to everyone involved.
I had a important lunch meeting with a friend to talk about the way I have been feeling. This was helpful to me just to talk about some of the issues and get some advice on how to work through these issues to attain some degree of sanity though it didn’t deliver me from this present age.
After that I met with a student to proofread something she wrote for me to correct. Unfortunately, I didn’t get all the way through it so I will have to finish it sometime tomorrow or the next day. I won’t be meeting with her until next Thursday so that gives me some time to do some work in this regard. I was not all that alert by this time which probably slowed me down some.
After that I went to a church to teach a free-talking class. On my way there, I had to drop off a trip request form in my department’s office to be approved by the Department Chair. Since nobody in that office can speak in Korean I got to practice some Korean using a sentence I haven’t used before. Then the person I was speaking to asked me another question which I didn’t know the answer to because I didn’t understand her question. Eventually she figured it out or else she just gave up asking. A Korean professor who can speak well was going to call the office to make sure they understood what to do. At the church, we played a version of baseball where I ask a question and they respond. I don’t do it like some people play the game but it served the purpose of getting the students to speak in English and it seemed that everybody was having fun, those who wanted to study and those who wanted to play games.
After that, I went home for a while as I waited for time to pass. I made plans to meet my Korean teacher to study a little bit of Korean. We ended up talking a lot about other things as usual and some of that time was occupied with talking to another student whom she also teaches. This time had some good points and some bad points. The good points were of course the times of relaxing and the difficult points were the points of studying Korean and being reminded how bad I am at speaking Korean.
After the coffee shop closed, we went to the grocery store to get a few items I needed. This was our original plan to go to the store to give me practice speaking to people in Korean. But I didn’t do much more speaking than usual, though it was helpful to learn the different types of tofu and talk more about Korean culture.
I became more depressed as I talked with my Korean teacher about my struggles. If I let myself, I can get really bogged down. But when I think of the people I interacted with, the students, the staff members, my teacher and the people at the grocery store tonight, I think this has been a good day. Now I think I will get some shuteye before my alarms go off at 5:15.
I had a important lunch meeting with a friend to talk about the way I have been feeling. This was helpful to me just to talk about some of the issues and get some advice on how to work through these issues to attain some degree of sanity though it didn’t deliver me from this present age.
After that I met with a student to proofread something she wrote for me to correct. Unfortunately, I didn’t get all the way through it so I will have to finish it sometime tomorrow or the next day. I won’t be meeting with her until next Thursday so that gives me some time to do some work in this regard. I was not all that alert by this time which probably slowed me down some.
After that I went to a church to teach a free-talking class. On my way there, I had to drop off a trip request form in my department’s office to be approved by the Department Chair. Since nobody in that office can speak in Korean I got to practice some Korean using a sentence I haven’t used before. Then the person I was speaking to asked me another question which I didn’t know the answer to because I didn’t understand her question. Eventually she figured it out or else she just gave up asking. A Korean professor who can speak well was going to call the office to make sure they understood what to do. At the church, we played a version of baseball where I ask a question and they respond. I don’t do it like some people play the game but it served the purpose of getting the students to speak in English and it seemed that everybody was having fun, those who wanted to study and those who wanted to play games.
After that, I went home for a while as I waited for time to pass. I made plans to meet my Korean teacher to study a little bit of Korean. We ended up talking a lot about other things as usual and some of that time was occupied with talking to another student whom she also teaches. This time had some good points and some bad points. The good points were of course the times of relaxing and the difficult points were the points of studying Korean and being reminded how bad I am at speaking Korean.
After the coffee shop closed, we went to the grocery store to get a few items I needed. This was our original plan to go to the store to give me practice speaking to people in Korean. But I didn’t do much more speaking than usual, though it was helpful to learn the different types of tofu and talk more about Korean culture.
I became more depressed as I talked with my Korean teacher about my struggles. If I let myself, I can get really bogged down. But when I think of the people I interacted with, the students, the staff members, my teacher and the people at the grocery store tonight, I think this has been a good day. Now I think I will get some shuteye before my alarms go off at 5:15.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Alone, depressed; With People, Happy
Today was one of those days that started out difficult but ended well. Because of the way I have been feeling, I didn’t wake up with much motivation. I called a friend whom I try to talk with on a weekly basis after I called my parents and they weren’t home. So I went on with my plans to study about Korean culture to prepare for the presentation I will most likely be making in September. While I got some things done I didn’t get as much done as I anticipated. I also was not able to meet with the family I usually have dinner with on Monday evenings before I teach a class at city hall.
Today we had a special meeting to discuss changes with the way the university deals with foreign professors. There was a lot of disconcertion regarding this, especially for those who have been placed in departments where the professors can’t speak fluently in English. According to these changes, the foreign professors are no longer under the wings of a Korean professor who tends to our questions and concerns. This seems to be part of a bigger plan to have all of the classes in English. For this to happen, the professors will have to improve their English skills and the students will also have to improve. This seems like a marketing strategy to make the university more appealing. But it doesn’t seem to take into account the English level of the students. Even for the best English speakers, it would be difficult for Korean students to take all there classes in English. Not even all the prestigious universities in Seoul do this.
After this meeting, I went to have dinner at a restaurant. Since I had to teach a class at city hall I wasn’t all that interested in going back home. So I went to Kimbap Nara (김밥 나라). Kimbap is basically rice, vegetables and meat wrapped in seaweed. I didn’t have this, but instead I had curry which was good. I went by myself so I had to order it myself in Korean, of course. It always makes me feel good when I do this rather than hiding behind a Korean who usually orders for me when I go with a Korean. This type of restaurant is also very reasonable. It probably cost me about 1.5 USD for a whole meal. It’s probably not the most healthy Korean meal but it is better than McDonald’s by a long shot in my opinion.
By this time, I was feeling much better than I felt most of the day. This is the mystery of my emotional disposition. When I am alone I feel depressed but when I am with people I feel much better about myself. It makes me wonder if I am hiding out in my apartment. I also wonder if my own feelings keep me from doing everything I could do. When I talked to my dad about this he suggested that I not let my feelings rule me. I took this to mean he was saying that I should ignore my feelings. I didn’t like this advice because I feel like that is what I have done for much of my life.
But when I thought about what changed in my own mind from the morning and afternoon time to the evening time, it did seem to me that I did “ignore” my feelings in some sense. If I didn’t, I would probably never have done anything today because I didn’t feel like I was adequate for the task. So I sucked it up and did what I had to do. That totally changed my disposition and I also had an enjoyable time with the staff I taught at city hall tonight. We talked about a lot of things from one university student referring to another student as one’s senior to making a list for one of the people who wants to get married in the future. This led to an interesting discussion about whether it is necessary for a man to have a car in order for a woman to fall in love with him.
After that one of the staff people took me home and my day was officially over. Well, not quite over since I had some things I wanted to work on. I decided to do the dishes, something I have been putting off for longer than I can say publicly. This made me feel better. Then I also studied Korean and learned how to link sentences together to make one longer sentence. By the way, my Korean journal is up to 273 sentences. Now if I could just remember everything that I wrote. So now I guess it is about time to get some shuteye for a while. I have to start my day at 7am with an early-morning Bible study. So tomorrow will be a long day with that, a faculty/staff chapel in 100% English even though there are people who won’t be able to understand the whole thing (I’d be mad if I were a Korean), a mid-term, lunch with a pastor, free-talking, teaching a class at a church and hopefully meeting my Korean teacher at the store to practice some things with Korean and to buy some groceries. I think I’m going to buy enough for breakfast but also try to eat out more and see if that changes my disposition. I just have to figure out how to manage that in terms of my budget.
Today we had a special meeting to discuss changes with the way the university deals with foreign professors. There was a lot of disconcertion regarding this, especially for those who have been placed in departments where the professors can’t speak fluently in English. According to these changes, the foreign professors are no longer under the wings of a Korean professor who tends to our questions and concerns. This seems to be part of a bigger plan to have all of the classes in English. For this to happen, the professors will have to improve their English skills and the students will also have to improve. This seems like a marketing strategy to make the university more appealing. But it doesn’t seem to take into account the English level of the students. Even for the best English speakers, it would be difficult for Korean students to take all there classes in English. Not even all the prestigious universities in Seoul do this.
After this meeting, I went to have dinner at a restaurant. Since I had to teach a class at city hall I wasn’t all that interested in going back home. So I went to Kimbap Nara (김밥 나라). Kimbap is basically rice, vegetables and meat wrapped in seaweed. I didn’t have this, but instead I had curry which was good. I went by myself so I had to order it myself in Korean, of course. It always makes me feel good when I do this rather than hiding behind a Korean who usually orders for me when I go with a Korean. This type of restaurant is also very reasonable. It probably cost me about 1.5 USD for a whole meal. It’s probably not the most healthy Korean meal but it is better than McDonald’s by a long shot in my opinion.
By this time, I was feeling much better than I felt most of the day. This is the mystery of my emotional disposition. When I am alone I feel depressed but when I am with people I feel much better about myself. It makes me wonder if I am hiding out in my apartment. I also wonder if my own feelings keep me from doing everything I could do. When I talked to my dad about this he suggested that I not let my feelings rule me. I took this to mean he was saying that I should ignore my feelings. I didn’t like this advice because I feel like that is what I have done for much of my life.
But when I thought about what changed in my own mind from the morning and afternoon time to the evening time, it did seem to me that I did “ignore” my feelings in some sense. If I didn’t, I would probably never have done anything today because I didn’t feel like I was adequate for the task. So I sucked it up and did what I had to do. That totally changed my disposition and I also had an enjoyable time with the staff I taught at city hall tonight. We talked about a lot of things from one university student referring to another student as one’s senior to making a list for one of the people who wants to get married in the future. This led to an interesting discussion about whether it is necessary for a man to have a car in order for a woman to fall in love with him.
After that one of the staff people took me home and my day was officially over. Well, not quite over since I had some things I wanted to work on. I decided to do the dishes, something I have been putting off for longer than I can say publicly. This made me feel better. Then I also studied Korean and learned how to link sentences together to make one longer sentence. By the way, my Korean journal is up to 273 sentences. Now if I could just remember everything that I wrote. So now I guess it is about time to get some shuteye for a while. I have to start my day at 7am with an early-morning Bible study. So tomorrow will be a long day with that, a faculty/staff chapel in 100% English even though there are people who won’t be able to understand the whole thing (I’d be mad if I were a Korean), a mid-term, lunch with a pastor, free-talking, teaching a class at a church and hopefully meeting my Korean teacher at the store to practice some things with Korean and to buy some groceries. I think I’m going to buy enough for breakfast but also try to eat out more and see if that changes my disposition. I just have to figure out how to manage that in terms of my budget.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Purpose
Today was the exact opposite of yesterday. I left my apartment around 8:40 this morning and came back around 3pm while I waited for a friend (I’m not sure if Aristotle would classify us as this or not) to finish her church duties. I was going to take a nap but I decided to type out the text messages I’ve sent and received in Korean. This was about 100 messages. When I came back tonight after coffee and dinner I translated them and sent them off to my Korean teacher. I’m sure she will love me for this.
My day started with the English service at the university church. My role in this was rather minimal today because I was only responsible for greeting people coming to the service, leading the congregation in confession, reading the Scripture passages (except for the sermon text) and leading the congregation in affirming our faith by reading the Apostles’ Creed. Okay, maybe my role was more than minimal. What I mean is that I did not preach. But that will change next week as I will be preaching. After the service I talked to a Korean professor and with the other ministers of the service about the future of the service.
I am concerned about a service in English in a Korean church that has more foreigners leading it than Koreans. Since there are few foreigners who go to this service, and since it is in a Korean church, it seems to me that there should be more Koreans leading the service than foreigners. I guess today it was half and half. But still, it seems to me the ideal would be for there to be more Koreans leading it than foreigners.
I’m really not sure whether to continue my involvement in this service. It seems that I experience God’s grace in some sense through this service, especially when I feel like the sermon is just for me as it seemed to be today. The vision of the service seems to be unclear so it is difficult to manage the success of the service when I am not sure how to manage that. It seems that different people come to the service but there is little consistency except that the service is attended by few people. Some people have found it difficult to understand what is going on in the service. I’m sure some of this is due to my complex sentence structure but I’m not sure about the rest of the service. It could be that this service is structured differently than a typical Korean Nazarene service. I am wondering if having a service completely in English is too much. When I went to the Anglican Cathedral on Easter Sunday the service was partly in Korean and partly in English. I suggested that we might want to try that if we continue to do the service.
After a lengthy discussion about the service and the church in general, I had lunch with a few people I know at the same church. I talked with them some about the English service but I didn’t learn much from them except that the service is difficult to understand.
After lunch I went to Grace Church (은혜교회) to teach English to some children and their mothers. This was quite challenging when I tried to talk about the names of the 12 disciples in English. I learned that I don’t know much when it comes to the details of these names. It was difficult trying to figure out the differences between the English and Korean translations. Then it also got confusing when I tried to explain these differences and when the people in the class tried to explain them to me. This was difficult and frustrating because I can’t speak Korean fluently and they can’t speak English fluently. The name that is the most unique is James. One of the students suggested that the Korean translation is wrong. When I asked why the Korean translation must be wrong and not the English translation, they said that when the Bible was translated into Korean there were people involved who were not Christians. I challenged this when I noticed that a fairly recent translation of the Korean Bible (New Korean Revised Version) which was copyrighted in 1998 for the first time used the same name for James. I argued to the contrary because I heard that one of the theologians at KNU participated in this translation. Of course it is entirely possible that I am the one that is wrong. I was surprised that one of the students was so quick to assume that it is the Korean Bible that is wrong.
After that class was over, I went back to my apartment while I waited for a friend to finish her church duties. She ended up taking longer than she expected so I just kept working on Korean. We met at 4pm and had coffee followed by kalguksu (갈국수). This was a fun for both of us I think though it was a little difficult with the language barrier. She tried to get me to try speaking in Korean and I failed miserably.
After I came back to my apartment, I felt that same empty feeling that I’ve been feeling the last few days. I persevered in spite of it through the Korean sentences and am feeling mildly better. Now to figure out what the source is of these feelings. For now, I think I’ll post this and call it a day. I need to get up early tomorrow to call my parents and a friend in America.
My day started with the English service at the university church. My role in this was rather minimal today because I was only responsible for greeting people coming to the service, leading the congregation in confession, reading the Scripture passages (except for the sermon text) and leading the congregation in affirming our faith by reading the Apostles’ Creed. Okay, maybe my role was more than minimal. What I mean is that I did not preach. But that will change next week as I will be preaching. After the service I talked to a Korean professor and with the other ministers of the service about the future of the service.
I am concerned about a service in English in a Korean church that has more foreigners leading it than Koreans. Since there are few foreigners who go to this service, and since it is in a Korean church, it seems to me that there should be more Koreans leading the service than foreigners. I guess today it was half and half. But still, it seems to me the ideal would be for there to be more Koreans leading it than foreigners.
I’m really not sure whether to continue my involvement in this service. It seems that I experience God’s grace in some sense through this service, especially when I feel like the sermon is just for me as it seemed to be today. The vision of the service seems to be unclear so it is difficult to manage the success of the service when I am not sure how to manage that. It seems that different people come to the service but there is little consistency except that the service is attended by few people. Some people have found it difficult to understand what is going on in the service. I’m sure some of this is due to my complex sentence structure but I’m not sure about the rest of the service. It could be that this service is structured differently than a typical Korean Nazarene service. I am wondering if having a service completely in English is too much. When I went to the Anglican Cathedral on Easter Sunday the service was partly in Korean and partly in English. I suggested that we might want to try that if we continue to do the service.
After a lengthy discussion about the service and the church in general, I had lunch with a few people I know at the same church. I talked with them some about the English service but I didn’t learn much from them except that the service is difficult to understand.
After lunch I went to Grace Church (은혜교회) to teach English to some children and their mothers. This was quite challenging when I tried to talk about the names of the 12 disciples in English. I learned that I don’t know much when it comes to the details of these names. It was difficult trying to figure out the differences between the English and Korean translations. Then it also got confusing when I tried to explain these differences and when the people in the class tried to explain them to me. This was difficult and frustrating because I can’t speak Korean fluently and they can’t speak English fluently. The name that is the most unique is James. One of the students suggested that the Korean translation is wrong. When I asked why the Korean translation must be wrong and not the English translation, they said that when the Bible was translated into Korean there were people involved who were not Christians. I challenged this when I noticed that a fairly recent translation of the Korean Bible (New Korean Revised Version) which was copyrighted in 1998 for the first time used the same name for James. I argued to the contrary because I heard that one of the theologians at KNU participated in this translation. Of course it is entirely possible that I am the one that is wrong. I was surprised that one of the students was so quick to assume that it is the Korean Bible that is wrong.
After that class was over, I went back to my apartment while I waited for a friend to finish her church duties. She ended up taking longer than she expected so I just kept working on Korean. We met at 4pm and had coffee followed by kalguksu (갈국수). This was a fun for both of us I think though it was a little difficult with the language barrier. She tried to get me to try speaking in Korean and I failed miserably.
After I came back to my apartment, I felt that same empty feeling that I’ve been feeling the last few days. I persevered in spite of it through the Korean sentences and am feeling mildly better. Now to figure out what the source is of these feelings. For now, I think I’ll post this and call it a day. I need to get up early tomorrow to call my parents and a friend in America.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Poor Time Management
Today was another unproductive Saturday. Well, in the end it was productive but I sure could’ve done a lot more things today than I ended up doing. I stayed in my apartment all day today. I intended to spend four hours preparing for my class on Tuesday and another four hours preparing for my class on Thursday and another few hours preparing for my class on Friday. But as it turned out, I found other things to do that seemed more appealing. And now I have two of the three things done. I need to figure out what to do on days like today. It seems that I don’t have much drive to prepare for classes. I have heard it said that insanity is when you do the same thing and get the same results over and over again. I think I messed up that quote but you get the idea, right?
About the only thing I did today to intentionally relax was watching a Korean movie. This was quite meaningful. It is called, “Jung Cheon” (중천) which means The Mid-Heaven. This might be the first Korean action movie I have seen. I was able to pick up a few words but not most of it so thank goodness for English subtitles. I won’t tell you how it ends in case you want to watch it. It’s a good movie for those of us who can’t understand Korean because there is less speaking than the romance movies I have seen. I have two more movies to watch and then I will have seen every movie once. Then it is time to start over again. I’m hoping to learn Korean little by little as I watch these. I recommend these to people who need something to help them work through the drama of life (well they help me anyway).
I’m embarassed that I haven’t studied Korean today or yesterday. As you can see, I tend to waste a lot of time procrastinating which contributes to my feeling of not being fulfilled. This has been a decent day, but a day filled with recovering from regret.
About the only thing I did today to intentionally relax was watching a Korean movie. This was quite meaningful. It is called, “Jung Cheon” (중천) which means The Mid-Heaven. This might be the first Korean action movie I have seen. I was able to pick up a few words but not most of it so thank goodness for English subtitles. I won’t tell you how it ends in case you want to watch it. It’s a good movie for those of us who can’t understand Korean because there is less speaking than the romance movies I have seen. I have two more movies to watch and then I will have seen every movie once. Then it is time to start over again. I’m hoping to learn Korean little by little as I watch these. I recommend these to people who need something to help them work through the drama of life (well they help me anyway).
I’m embarassed that I haven’t studied Korean today or yesterday. As you can see, I tend to waste a lot of time procrastinating which contributes to my feeling of not being fulfilled. This has been a decent day, but a day filled with recovering from regret.
Friday, April 24, 2009
I Have a Choice
This has been another good day. Not quite as good as yesterday, but still a good day. It started with making another call to the bank in America, then giving some oral mid-terms, then having a long lunch with a colleague while we ate kalby tong (갈비 탕), then working on some stuff in my office followed by meeting with a colleague tonight.
By the time I got back to my office after lunch and calculated the grades for the tests I gave this morning, I was worn out. I’m not exactly sure why. For the last hour before meeting with my colleague I read something another professor invited me to peruse.
When I met with my colleague this evening, we talked about many things. The first hour was consumed mostly by the subject of how to speak English. He has been a Godsend for me in terms of figuring out how to manage the class and figure out how to teach English the most effectively. I’m still learning and am feeling much better about teaching than I did at the beginning of the semester. I lost my cool a few times but have learned through the process thanks to some colleagues whose know-how far exceeds mine.
As we left his office, I gave him the details of my recent break-up. This was helpful and hurtful in terms of working through the process. I am mostly over the broken relationship though there is still sadness and regret for the things I did wrong. There is also a recognition that many things did not make sense and they still don’t make sense. But it is still more natural for me to blame myself for these things rather than her.
We even spent some time talking about ministers, titles (a key issue of the subject in the above paragraph), and a little bit of theology. Now I did my best to keep it simple but anybody who knows me at all knows I don’t do well at keeping things simple. That’s why I carry around my electronic dictionary with me as much as possible. It is just so difficult to speak simple, short sentences. This is something I’ve struggled with since I arrived here though I think I might be slightly better at it than I was a year ago. I remember hearing complaints about how complicated my e-mail messages were. That was when I learned to write in shorter sentences and to hit the return key each time I used a period and to doublespace between sentences.
The thing that kind of surprised me tonight is when my colleague told me he liked me. I didn’t ask many questions because I don’t want to let the secret out. I was hoping he would go into more detail but I guess we got distracted and started talking about something else. Here again was someone who didn’t really have to say this. I didn’t ask him of his opinion about me but it was something he freely offered. I guess I have a choice. I can spend my life wondering why I am not a better person or I can accept myself with all the flaws and recognize there something good within me. Of course I want to do the latter but this is not so easy for me.
By the time I got back to my office after lunch and calculated the grades for the tests I gave this morning, I was worn out. I’m not exactly sure why. For the last hour before meeting with my colleague I read something another professor invited me to peruse.
When I met with my colleague this evening, we talked about many things. The first hour was consumed mostly by the subject of how to speak English. He has been a Godsend for me in terms of figuring out how to manage the class and figure out how to teach English the most effectively. I’m still learning and am feeling much better about teaching than I did at the beginning of the semester. I lost my cool a few times but have learned through the process thanks to some colleagues whose know-how far exceeds mine.
As we left his office, I gave him the details of my recent break-up. This was helpful and hurtful in terms of working through the process. I am mostly over the broken relationship though there is still sadness and regret for the things I did wrong. There is also a recognition that many things did not make sense and they still don’t make sense. But it is still more natural for me to blame myself for these things rather than her.
We even spent some time talking about ministers, titles (a key issue of the subject in the above paragraph), and a little bit of theology. Now I did my best to keep it simple but anybody who knows me at all knows I don’t do well at keeping things simple. That’s why I carry around my electronic dictionary with me as much as possible. It is just so difficult to speak simple, short sentences. This is something I’ve struggled with since I arrived here though I think I might be slightly better at it than I was a year ago. I remember hearing complaints about how complicated my e-mail messages were. That was when I learned to write in shorter sentences and to hit the return key each time I used a period and to doublespace between sentences.
The thing that kind of surprised me tonight is when my colleague told me he liked me. I didn’t ask many questions because I don’t want to let the secret out. I was hoping he would go into more detail but I guess we got distracted and started talking about something else. Here again was someone who didn’t really have to say this. I didn’t ask him of his opinion about me but it was something he freely offered. I guess I have a choice. I can spend my life wondering why I am not a better person or I can accept myself with all the flaws and recognize there something good within me. Of course I want to do the latter but this is not so easy for me.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
A Good Day...For Real
I really don’t think it is necessary to blog today. I’ve had a really good day. But I guess I will continue the habit just in case this is the last good day I have in a while. Then it can go down in the record books that Brent Dirks (aka 도영웅) had at least one good day. And the truth be known, I have probably had many good days.
I’m not exactly sure what made today so good. I’m not complaining or anything it just seemed to be a normal day and for some strange reason I am feeling good even after I ate kimbap that was probably a little old. Hopefully this day won’t end with food poisoning.
It started with a trip to the bank to transfer funds. This can be a depressing experience with the exchange rate but since the Bank Manager assures me he’s giving me a better rate than the standard one, I’ll receive his goodness with gratitude. After that I consulted with colleagues about Korean culture, starting with a question about 나는 하고 내가, and led into a discussion about church. I had to cut that short so that I could find the person who brought me kimbap, a beverage, and two oranges. Then it was back to my office to write out a letter to the bank that recently closed. Now that is an interesting thing to try to inform an organization about your current address when there is a check with your name but nobody can pick it up because their name isn’t on the account. Note to self: if you start up an account before leaving the country, put a family member’s name on the account. After I finished that and attached questions for the Mid-Terms coming up tomorrow and next week I went to the copy (not 거피) shop to make some copies but the form I printed had too much gray background so they wouldn’t make the copies. That’s okay because I ended up saving paper this way. And I faxed the letter to the bank for the third time. Hopefully this time it went to the right place.
That was just for the morning activities. The highlight of the day was having lunch with a Korean colleague. We walked around for quite a while and we finally settled on kalguksu (갈국수) even though we both had bibimbap (비빔밥). My colleague wanted rice like a good Korean and that is what she got. I didn’t care what we ate. Since I had a class at 1pm both of us were under a little stress to eat, talk and get back to campus on time. But it worked out just fine.
I was a little nervous about class because this was supposed to be a review day. The students often lack motivation and I knew this would be no different during Mid-Terms week, a time when few students get sleep. I think they are hoping that the professor will give them extra points for every hour they don’t sleep. Of course they used some of the time in my class to sleep. But it was during this time that I negotiated the final. I started with 45 questions and ended up with 15 questions by the end of class. This mostly changed the fact that the students know what they are expected to present and raised the bar on my expectation that they be ready to knock the socks off their “professor” so to speak. They seemed to be happy with my compromise (each group is responsible to present five roleplays, for a total of 15 roleplays, which should take two or three hours) and I feel good about not getting upset with the students when they lacked the motivation to work with their groups and I think I treated them with respect by reasoning with them about the Mid-Term. I guess time will tell whether or not this is true.
After that was the second highlight of my day when I accepted an invitation from one of the students in that class to join him for coffee. He invited another student who also free-talks with me from that class to join us. I remembered another student who also free-talks with me and I invited her to join us there as well (thank goodness for cell phones and text-messaging). She brought a friend and we talked for a few hours. Another free-talking student also came during that time.
An awkward moment came at the end of the conversation when one student invited another student to his house for dinner. He asked me what my evening plans were and I wasn’t sure if he was inviting me or not. I asked him after embracing the awkwardness for a moment and he said he would do that another time. I made it clear to him that I wasn’t trying to invite myself but I was just trying to make some clarification. Hopefully he won’t feel obligated to invite me in the future.
After that I packed my belongings and came home to enjoy the food that a lady from church gave me earlier that day. Now I have come to the end of the day and am having an online conversation with one of my Vietnamese friends. What better way to end the day?
I think there are some good reasons why I feel the way I do. Of course this is one day, and it could just be the luck of the draw, but I suspect the lack of pressure also has something to do with it. Because this is Mid-Terms week most of my free-talking has been canceled. This subject is a puzzle to me as to how to manage free-talking with students without getting overwhelmed. Also, I am not responsible for the early-morning Bible study this week because of it being Mid-Terms week.
So I guess another thing, perhaps the most important thing, I’d like to do with my free-time is to develop relationships with people. I have also been able to continue the practice of studying Korean and doing a little bit with classroom work to prepare for tomorrow. Now I think I need to figure out a way to add exercise to my routine. I have done less chatting online tonight which I think has given me a chance to do other things.
I’m not exactly sure what made today so good. I’m not complaining or anything it just seemed to be a normal day and for some strange reason I am feeling good even after I ate kimbap that was probably a little old. Hopefully this day won’t end with food poisoning.
It started with a trip to the bank to transfer funds. This can be a depressing experience with the exchange rate but since the Bank Manager assures me he’s giving me a better rate than the standard one, I’ll receive his goodness with gratitude. After that I consulted with colleagues about Korean culture, starting with a question about 나는 하고 내가, and led into a discussion about church. I had to cut that short so that I could find the person who brought me kimbap, a beverage, and two oranges. Then it was back to my office to write out a letter to the bank that recently closed. Now that is an interesting thing to try to inform an organization about your current address when there is a check with your name but nobody can pick it up because their name isn’t on the account. Note to self: if you start up an account before leaving the country, put a family member’s name on the account. After I finished that and attached questions for the Mid-Terms coming up tomorrow and next week I went to the copy (not 거피) shop to make some copies but the form I printed had too much gray background so they wouldn’t make the copies. That’s okay because I ended up saving paper this way. And I faxed the letter to the bank for the third time. Hopefully this time it went to the right place.
That was just for the morning activities. The highlight of the day was having lunch with a Korean colleague. We walked around for quite a while and we finally settled on kalguksu (갈국수) even though we both had bibimbap (비빔밥). My colleague wanted rice like a good Korean and that is what she got. I didn’t care what we ate. Since I had a class at 1pm both of us were under a little stress to eat, talk and get back to campus on time. But it worked out just fine.
I was a little nervous about class because this was supposed to be a review day. The students often lack motivation and I knew this would be no different during Mid-Terms week, a time when few students get sleep. I think they are hoping that the professor will give them extra points for every hour they don’t sleep. Of course they used some of the time in my class to sleep. But it was during this time that I negotiated the final. I started with 45 questions and ended up with 15 questions by the end of class. This mostly changed the fact that the students know what they are expected to present and raised the bar on my expectation that they be ready to knock the socks off their “professor” so to speak. They seemed to be happy with my compromise (each group is responsible to present five roleplays, for a total of 15 roleplays, which should take two or three hours) and I feel good about not getting upset with the students when they lacked the motivation to work with their groups and I think I treated them with respect by reasoning with them about the Mid-Term. I guess time will tell whether or not this is true.
After that was the second highlight of my day when I accepted an invitation from one of the students in that class to join him for coffee. He invited another student who also free-talks with me from that class to join us. I remembered another student who also free-talks with me and I invited her to join us there as well (thank goodness for cell phones and text-messaging). She brought a friend and we talked for a few hours. Another free-talking student also came during that time.
An awkward moment came at the end of the conversation when one student invited another student to his house for dinner. He asked me what my evening plans were and I wasn’t sure if he was inviting me or not. I asked him after embracing the awkwardness for a moment and he said he would do that another time. I made it clear to him that I wasn’t trying to invite myself but I was just trying to make some clarification. Hopefully he won’t feel obligated to invite me in the future.
After that I packed my belongings and came home to enjoy the food that a lady from church gave me earlier that day. Now I have come to the end of the day and am having an online conversation with one of my Vietnamese friends. What better way to end the day?
I think there are some good reasons why I feel the way I do. Of course this is one day, and it could just be the luck of the draw, but I suspect the lack of pressure also has something to do with it. Because this is Mid-Terms week most of my free-talking has been canceled. This subject is a puzzle to me as to how to manage free-talking with students without getting overwhelmed. Also, I am not responsible for the early-morning Bible study this week because of it being Mid-Terms week.
So I guess another thing, perhaps the most important thing, I’d like to do with my free-time is to develop relationships with people. I have also been able to continue the practice of studying Korean and doing a little bit with classroom work to prepare for tomorrow. Now I think I need to figure out a way to add exercise to my routine. I have done less chatting online tonight which I think has given me a chance to do other things.
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